Since I've had a good day or two, one thing I've decided is to finally start one of my books that I've had thoughts about for awhile now. I have three different concepts for books that I've been tossing around in my head. Some of them have more content that I've written than others. I've been in debates (and quite honestly, just lazy about) of which one I should start with. I decided to go with the one that will most resemble me.
I haven't decided yet whether I will try to have this book become something more than just me trying to make sense of some things in my life. I guess my ultimate goal with this particular book is to have the essence of issues and heartache I experienced in my life in the last five years, but to have it be this character's own story. I want her to speak to me through this process. I want it to be something where I can fictionalize my life. I want her to do all the things that I couldn't. I want her to show me that she will be okay, and that she was stronger. I know that nothing can take away what happened, but at least I can create someone who can go on a path to rise above it all. I hope she can do it.
I've written 1,000 words so far. There are other bits and bobs of chapters I've written over the last several years to maybe plug in here and there, but I've officially started. So I want to try and write 1,000 words a day. I figure I will start small, create a good habit and just increase the word count from there. I'm not going to go back and edit anything or change things until I'm completely done and decide what to do with it. It might be complete crap, but that's okay. It's something I feel like I need to do. I've had encouragement in all different forms for awhile, and this place has probably been a big kick-start for me. So thanks to everyone that's simply been here or talked to me. It's helped in more ways than I can really express.
Another thing I've decided is that I need to try and make myself laugh more. Yesterday I spent time with an old friend that I went to middle school with. She talked about herself the entire time. Not in a vain sort of way, but I just asked her questions and it was so fantastic to just focus on her and what she was saying. And she made me laugh. Like, fall over in my chair, going to spit out my water, super silent clicky kind of laughter. I've had my laughs the last several months, but I guess because the last few weeks have been especially difficult for me, I feel like I haven't laughed like that in forever. So, when I'm feeling my worst, I gotta try and find something that can make me laugh. It really was good seeing her. It reminded me of how simple things used to be, even when I thought they weren't at the time.
She also told me something else in the car when I was driving her home that completely blew me away. She said that when we were younger that she wanted to be me. Like, not even just admire me or be like me, but be me. She thought I knew everything and that I was so cool.
It completely rocked me when she said that. I couldn't believe it. I still kind of don't. I never would think that someone would want to be like me, especially when I had so much self-loathing in middle school (still have a good bit of it now). I dunno, it was just a big shock to the system.
Anyway, I'm going to try and laugh from now on, even if I don't want to, or hate the idea of even laughing because my day looks bleak, I'm going to try regardless.