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#17 - thoughts outloud


It's been two weeks and I am still thinking about the accident I saw, about the guy that flew in his wheel chair. Its not that I care about what happened to him, I mean I do, but not really- he's a complete stranger who I know nothing about, but I'm thinking about the accident, about what I saw, or more like how I saw.
It's hard to explain. I'll try...

It was weird because I had seen him just a second before the hit, and then when I looked back I couldn't tell what I was seeing. Something flying.

My eyes or my brain didn't know what I was looking at. It was a person and I couldn't recognize it was a person. Like, how does that work? A thing so familiar then unknown. I couldn't see it. I couldn't identify it, him, whatever.

What else am I not seeing?

I'm often driving and looking at stuff and thinking 'what is that?' I get closer and what I had first thought it was is not what it is at all. Not when I get close enough and can finally see it.

I think I know things, and then I don't.

Like 'E', I start to think I know her some and then she says something or does something that totally destroys what I had thought.

Is she a true believer, or what is she? I'm afraid to ask.

I've always thought of myself as independent and I've always taken care of myself, paid for myself, but I never feel 'safe' around her.

She comes, or she calls, always on her terms , and we meet or go to a meeting, and sometimes to a private place where she never explains; we do... whatever she wants ( mostly I just lay there- while she-) which is so weird, because I sort of hate her but I can't not do it, and it's like totally separate from everything. And after, we don't talk.

She never explains; never tells me anything except don't ask questions, and now with this latest thing, the videos she showed men about the Kronstadt thing, the rebellion ( as well as the stuff about the greens) and the... disillusionment that got so bad they took up arms against what they'd helped install.

They didn't go over to the other side, either, they told the whites basically to fuck-off, which in those days it was civil war so it was spoken in bullets. You lose you die. And they said the same thing to the Reds. They fought them.

And then they got wiped out. It wasn't just soldiers and sailors but the people they were defending. And when they were getting attacked and overrun some tried to flee across the ice to Finland, but they didn't make it; they were caught and executed. Like... fuck?!
I shouldn't care.

So now I'm fucked up thinking about it. I can't do my lists, don't want to go to meetings. What am I doing, what am I about?
There is like... right and wrong, what I think I see, or saw, but now I'm seeing things closer and not... liking it.

'E' did this. I hate her again, but I know I can't say no to her about anything.

'E' didn't do this. She just showed me it. All I can think is now I'm screwed.

Can I get it back, my purpose? I had something... bigger than my stupid life, a cause, a purpose. And now I'm questioning it. This fucking sucks. What am I doing?



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