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Foxee
November 27th, 2006, 10:31 PM
There is a certain quiet
of play and all is well
in that breathless instant
when he tripped and fell

Explorers feet so tiny
head an awkward weight
balance so uncertain
bravely testing fate

Then disaster takes him
the footstool it resounds
his head has hit against it
with a knocking sound

One heartbeat, two thud by
building stormy gales
then the silence broken
by I need Mommy wails.

Immortal
November 27th, 2006, 11:29 PM
Brings up the image of a baby learning how to walk. The "'I need Mommy' wails" made me chuckle.

Keep poeming...yea...I said it...poeming.

J.R. MacLean
November 28th, 2006, 02:14 AM
nice Foxee. enjoy this, soon they'll be teenagers!
The second stanza reads beautifully.
cheers
J.R.

Angelica
November 28th, 2006, 02:25 AM
I love piece!! There aren't enough poems about kids, I don't think. This was just great, I loved it. (And I definately know all too well that the calm usually precedes the head crack!)

Foxee
November 28th, 2006, 02:59 AM
Immortal: Thanks! I'm glad the image came accross. More 'poeming' it shall be, then. ;)

J.R.: Thanks for the feedback. I am in terror of them becoming teenagers. LOL!

Angie: I think you're right about there not being enough poems about children. Which is suprising considering what wells of inspiration the guys/gals can be. O:)

The Amory Warrior
November 28th, 2006, 03:49 AM
To be honest, the ryhming seemed to be kinda flowless, but that just might just be me. Anywho, really great poem, nonetheless!

*poeming is power*

Foxee
November 28th, 2006, 05:38 AM
Thanks Armory Warrior... as I've noted before I'm not really a poet (this is me faking it) but I'd like to learn what I don't know. So if you have any suggestions as to how this could flow better I'd appreciate your input. I'm glad you enjoyed the overall subject. Thanks for replying! :)

walrus
November 28th, 2006, 08:16 AM
Your way with words shines through in this one! As J.R. wrote the second stanza is great! Quite true, a subject matter that isn't poetically explored enough ...run with it! What a muse ...

Enjoyed the read.

:)

dannyboy
November 28th, 2006, 09:07 AM
do you need that first stanza - seems far more telly than the rest of the poem - otherwise well done.

Foxee
November 28th, 2006, 01:57 PM
Walrus: I'm glad you enjoyed it. I think I need to check a book on writing poetry out of the library. ;)

Dannyboy: Thanks! You know, rereading it I have to agree...the rest of the poem covers the same ground as the first stanza so I'd feel comfortable losing it. I do this in prose, too... often do a first draft then cut much of the beginning (first paragraph or whole first page sometimes). Thank you for reading this and giving me feedback, DB.

slayerofangels
November 28th, 2006, 03:09 PM
I have little to add that hasn't already been said. First stanza seems slightly extranous but the rest is beautifully worded. Keep it up. Please.

Slayer

Foxee
November 28th, 2006, 03:15 PM
Why, ty, slayer. I appreciate that. :)

PAGEMASTER
December 10th, 2006, 02:26 PM
An enjoyable read. I've reread it a few times and tried to vision this piece without the first stanza, I'm not so sure I agree with others about removing it but meh, what do I know. Either way this poem flowed smoothly, the rhyming was nicely chosen, for someone who hasnt writen poetry this is a great start, keep at it and I'll look forward to your future work.

Bika
December 10th, 2006, 10:11 PM
If this is you faking it, Foxee, you should fake it more often ;)

WrittenEscape
December 11th, 2006, 06:00 AM
I really liked this. I'm not a mom, but you got your emotions and imagery through so clearly I don't need to be to appreciate the poem. Very nice!

Due on Maple Street
April 5th, 2007, 09:19 PM
I really liked it, of course as a parent I know those moments all too well. I thought it was a really strong poem. Its hard to write about kids and not sound cheesy or too schmaltzy. Part of why I don't. You did it really well though.

gordon
April 5th, 2007, 11:59 PM
Danny boy was right the first verse is just lost the rest is a little obvious take away the subject matter and it feels like i,ve heard it all before not great certainly not good as a poem but it held its own as prose.
Diary type words well written without the punch or verse poets require.

Foxee
April 6th, 2007, 01:01 AM
Wow...I had forgotten I posted this!

Thanks, Pagemaster, Bika, WrittenEscape, and Due on Maple Street for your encouraging words. I'm glad you enjoyed it!

gordon, I'm not sure what you mean by 'take away the subject matter'...I mean, I get the gist that you're talking about purely the wording but I've never tried to divorce the two very much before...it would seem to me that the subject matter would dictate the words chosen. Is that a prose-y way to look at it? I'm not sure what you mean by Diary-type words. Sorry you found it lackluster. Oh well.

Cran
April 6th, 2007, 03:46 AM
Well, I don't know what is or is not poetry ...
and quite frankly, I don't care ...
if I like it, I like it, and the measurements don't matter ...

and Foxee, I like it!

Actually, I even like the first stanza (verse ... whatever)
and would repeat it as a final refrain ...

but I would make one tiny little change:

until that breathless instant ...

or would that be too many syllables? :?

Foxee
April 6th, 2007, 05:10 AM
Hey, Cran!

Thanks for reading and commenting. Glad you liked the flavor. Your comment reminds me of one I heard that Duke Ellington said of music, "If it sounds good, it IS good!"

Yep! I like "until" and it really doesn't upset the flow (or lack thereof) of anything. Thanks for the suggestion. :)

Hmm..a refrain. That's a thought.

Thanks again.

-Foxee

PS. Your sig line about the cats is a hoot.

Lyonidus
April 8th, 2007, 04:54 PM
hey foxee,

i just thought id post to say nice poem, i liked it, lol it reminded me of when i was a small kid and i especially likedthe last bit.

Foxee
April 8th, 2007, 06:46 PM
Thanks for your kind words, Lyonidus! I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

DeeKing
January 26th, 2008, 04:21 PM
Thanks Armory Warrior... as I've noted before I'm not really a poet (this is me faking it) but I'd like to learn what I don't know. So if you have any suggestions as to how this could flow better I'd appreciate your input. I'm glad you enjoyed the overall subject. Thanks for replying! :)

Loved the poem and the subject, as somebody said if this is 'faking' I'd like to see you when you're writing for real!

I love interpreting things in my own way and have taken the liberty to reproduce this in slightly different words (absorbing the first stanza). Hope you don't mind, but it may give a different perspective on approach:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Explorer’s feet so tiny,
his head an awkward weight,
balance so uncertain
but still bravely testing fate.

Disaster then befell him
with a crunching awful sound
as his head bounced off the footstool
and he fell upon the ground.

Breathing interupted...
in a gasp the silence fails,
as a scream escapes his panic
with his “I need Mommy” wails.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Love to see more of you (especially in rhyme),

Have Fun,

Ivor

Patrick
January 26th, 2008, 04:32 PM
This is brill. I found myself holding my breath and then it was released at the right time at the end. I also got the image of a grown man committing suicide as an alternative reading, too. Interesting work, foxee.

Baron
January 26th, 2008, 04:42 PM
I really don't know why you don't post more poems on the forum. They're rare and invariably well worth the read. I agree with dannyboy about that first stanza.

Mirror
January 26th, 2008, 04:43 PM
I like this. Very arresting - all images encased within one breath. It's one of those few poems, in which rhyme does not constrain content; on the contrary, it enhances the latter. Well done.

Foxee
January 26th, 2008, 08:05 PM
Loved the poem and the subject, as somebody said if this is 'faking' I'd like to see you when you're writing for real!

I love interpreting things in my own way and have taken the liberty to reproduce this in slightly different words (absorbing the first stanza). Hope you don't mind, but it may give a different perspective on approach:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Explorer’s feet so tiny,
his head an awkward weight,
balance so uncertain
but still bravely testing fate.

Disaster then befell him
with a crunching awful sound
as his head bounced off the footstool
and he fell upon the ground.

Breathing interupted...
in a gasp the silence fails,
as a scream escapes his panic
with his “I need Mommy” wails.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Love to see more of you (especially in rhyme),

Have Fun,

Ivor
Thank you, Ivor! I was surprised to see this thread resurrected because I'd more or less forgotten about it. I don't mind your rewrite, it's interesting to see what different interpretations and perspectives others have. I found yours scary! You see, my first child rolled off of a couch and did slightly fracture her skull when she was an infant. 'crunching awful sound'...eek!

This is brill. I found myself holding my breath and then it was released at the right time at the end. I also got the image of a grown man committing suicide as an alternative reading, too. Interesting work, foxee.
Glad you liked it, M. Thank you! I really never had the suicide interpretation in mind so it's surprising to look back and see it.

I really don't know why you don't post more poems on the forum. They're rare and invariably well worth the read. I agree with dannyboy about that first stanza.
Looking back at it now I think I could lose the first stanza, too, though it does set the stage. Still, when several critiquers agree on something it's worth considering. (especially when the critiquers are excellent poets themselves). I only write poetry when the mood hits, usually because a few words wrecked together in my head and made an interesting pattern. If I can build on it I do. Thank you for your kind words!

I like this. Very arresting - all images encased within one breath. It's one of those few poems, in which rhyme does not constrain content; on the contrary, it enhances the latter. Well done.
Thank you, Mirror. I have much respect for your talent and so appreciate this even more.

MisterJack
January 27th, 2008, 06:27 PM
Yes Foxee, more writing from you please\\:D/

regards

Jack

Foxee
January 27th, 2008, 06:30 PM
Thanks, Mr. Jack! :)

new_romantic
January 27th, 2008, 08:28 PM
This is a really good poem. I agree with most of the other people about the second stanza, its great. :sunny:

Foxee
January 27th, 2008, 08:56 PM
Thanks for reading, Romantic. :)

vangoghsear
January 28th, 2008, 04:22 PM
Foxee, Good job. As for the first stanza, you need part of it. The rest of the poem speaks of the coming injury, the first stanza has that marvelous observation that I imagine inspired this piece, that moment when the sounds of peaceful playing stop, and in that instance, before the bump, before the wail, the parent knows something has happened. Rather than remove it, that image should be expanded. So many thoughts must go through a parent's mind at that instance. Thoughts like, how many more times will the child fall? Will he be injured, seriously, minor, laugh, cry, I won't always be there to help him or her up, I can't protect them, just teach them, etc.

Baron
May 11th, 2011, 01:44 AM
Couldn't lose a rare Foxee poem in the clean-up. I agree with Danny's comment, BTW.

candid petunia
May 11th, 2011, 10:34 AM
Aww this was nice. Liked the rhythm. Liked the whole read. I imagined the whole thing, and it brought a smile to my face. :)