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louiej77
August 20th, 2006, 06:17 AM
This is a one act I wrote for a class, I had a lot of problems getting through it. You'll notice I use "beat" now and then, this is just a short pause (I had some comments questioning that in my last post).

It's not supposed to be appropriate, just funny.

Please let me know what you think, how to improve it, and any other criticisms.

Writers Block

By Louie j


Kevin- The more serious writer, wearing a casual outfit.
Bruce- The joking writer, wearing pajamas, tends to go too far with jokes. (The fatter the better; a Jack Black/Chris Farley like character)
Dave- The Average Joe senator, from a small town.
Scott- Gives off a homosexual tone; struggling actor usually seen in commercials, a drunkard? Dressed like a member Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
Mark- Starts out as narrator with a suit on; uses a remote to control the characters freezing. Different when playing Mark in front of the other characters, then he is the stereotypical male, dressed in sports regalia.
Angel- Dressed in white robe.
Devil- Dressed in black robe with hood.

Stage- On stage right the writers will have a table and chairs. Stage center is the living room; with a couch, end table, chair, and TV on the floor in front. Stage left is the podium with the presidential seal.

Props- A table, 2 chairs, a couch, recliner, end table, TV, 2 laptops (for the writers), a remote control, Pepto Bismal, a podium with the presidential seal

Scene- Bruce and Kevin are meeting in an office to work on their script due very soon.

(Bruce enters.)

Bruce: Hey, Kevin.

Kevin: Oh, hey, Bruce. I was wondering when youd show up.

Bruce: Yeah, sorry Im late. The wife just wouldnt shut her trap.

Kevin: I know how it is! (Mocking his wife) We never talk, you never spend time with me

Bruce: (Continuing mocking) Why cant we just cuddle, you never listen, were getting a divorce Am I right or what?

Kevin: (Awkwardly) Yeah something like that.

Bruce: But anyway

Kevin: So, lets get started on this. FOX wants the script ASAP.

Bruce: Alright, would you like to hear what Ive came up with so far?

Kevin: Shoot.

Bruce: It starts out: Once upon a time.

Kevin: Ok, Im gonna stop you right there. Were not writing another fairy tale, at least not after your Beauty & the Seven Dwarf Beasts fiasco. Where did you find such hairy dwarfs anyway?

Bruce: eBay.

Kevin: (Like it makes sense) Ohhhhh. Well, regardless, no more fairy tales! Did you have anything else?

Bruce: Just that we need to incorporate a donkey into the story so we can say ass more often. I think the more ass we show the higher male audience well receive.

Kevin: Thats funny. You did a play on words there. How long have you been hiding that gem from me?

Bruce: I am guessing by your sarcasm that we will not include random donkeys?

Kevin: Unfortunately not. Now, what Ive got has a, oh, how do you say? An overall better feel.

Bruce: (Jokingly angry) I know where you live. Dont sleep tonight.

Kevin: Im kidding! But seriously, this is some good shit. It starts out with a zoomed out view of the world, slowly zooming in, and a narrators voice over saying: (Kevin deepens his voice) This story has been told for as far back as man has been on this little marble we call earth. Its a story of contempt

Bruce: (With a deepened voice) A story of remorse, a story of deep and utter ineptitude, a story showing the unmitigated, unadulterated truth of one mans soul, a story so blank that it will so on and so forth, a story

Kevin: (Gives Bruce a fed up, evil stare. Regular voice.) I think thats enough. (Narrator voice) It all starts in an apartment in major city, USA.

(Lights down stage right, lights up center stage. Enter Dave and Narrating Mark following. Dave freezes.)

Mark: I probably should tell you, this is Dave. I know what youre thinking, and no he cant see me nice ass though and not bad in the sack (Using finger quotations) having sexual intercourse at least when he doesnt forget his pills. (Happily nodding and staring off into the distance. Beat) Where was I? Oh, yes, Dave is well, quite a paradox actually, great guy, with good friends. Wheres the conflict? Relationship problems. What a surprise, right? Like there arent enough stories about that already. Ok, heres the twist, Dave is a senator... yeah, an Average Joe senator. And, action!

(Dave is putting things away and starts reading Michael Moore is a Big Fat Stupid Idiot. Dave speaks after some silence.)

Dave: Its so true.

(Dave freezes.)

Mark: Yeah, this is boring. (Beat. Snapping.) I got it friends, thatll help us out.

(Enter Scott.)

Dave: Hey, Scott, I was wondering when youd be over.

(Scott freezes.)

Mark: You guessed it, thats Scott. He is a struggling actor, who can usually be seen every 10 minutes on TV in commercials.

(Scott and Dave continue.)

Scott: Hey, Dave.

Dave: How was job hunting?

Scott: Well, I wasnt able to start my day off until I had the great taste of Capitan in me (picks up a Captian Morgan bottle) but apparently they didnt want me to come to the audition hammered.

Dave: No luck?

Scott: Not even the genital warts one. I dont get it, I really made it look like I couldnt ride a bike until I took my Premarin.

Dave: Probably for the best.

(Both Freeze.)

Mark: Now were getting somewhere. I need another, let me think. (stroking chin) Ah, for the next character, I will play the special guest actor. Mark is my name. Mark is your everyday stereotypical male, likes breasts, football, beer, twins, farts, talking about farts, farting, and fart jokes. And Go!

(The Narrating Mark rips off his suit to show sporting teams regalia. Enter Mark with a deeper, more manly voice.)

Mark: Hey fags, que pasa? (Gets a beer from the fridge.)

Dave: And by that I take it that you like the Spanish translating toilet paper I got you?

Mark: No, I dont use toilet paper, I just shower. I got it from a Mexican Porno.

Scott: You know, Mark, fag is offensive.

Dave: So is not using toilet paper.

Scott: Very unlike the new perfume from Britney Spears. Its called Curious, an exhilarating white floral accented with Louisiana Mongolia and wrapped in the sensuality of vanilla-infused musk.

Dave: And still the stench of whore overcomes that.

Mark: I brought over a movie to watch if were all just going to yap.

Scott: We are so not watching Mexican Porno

Mark: No, I brought Pooty Tang.

(Silnece. Scott and Dave stare at Mark. Mark farts.)

Dave: Im just going to ignore that.

(Lights down center stage. Lights up stage right where Bruce is sitting alone, writing.)

Bruce: (Trying to control his laughter) Pooty Tang (Sighs.)

(Enter Kevin tucking in his shirt.)

Kevin: I knew I shouldnt have eaten those clams last night. (Chugs some Pepto Bismal, sits down, and while looking over the paper) Whatd you get while I was Pooty Tang? Mexican Porno?

Bruce: You can thank me later.

Kevin: You turned gold into shit. I didnt think it was possible, but you did it.

Bruce: Youre welcome. Pffffft snoogins.

Kevin: (Becoming furious) Quit saying that, its not a word! Im fed up with this, time after time you turn Shakespeare in Love to Shakespeare in Heat, Texas Chainsaw Massacre to Mexican Saw Fight, Snatch to The Muppets Present: Snatch.

Bruce: What about Iron Chef?

Kevin: That was a fluke, you were hungry! You just wanted as much food you could get in an hour. Its hopeless and Im quitting. (Starts to pack up.)

Bruce: Oh, come on, Kevin. This is how we always work. You start it out, I crazy it up, you get pissed and conform, you get really pissed and straighten the story back up, and we shit out gold. Thats why were the best in the biz Kevy boy!

Kevin: (Frustrated) Fine, you know what, fine. Lets get this done then, lets just do it. (Beat.) Where are we then, Caligula, please, show me the way.

Bruce: Atta boy! Well, after theyre done watching Pooty Tang, they all go out to a brothel and get their freak on if you know what I mean. Because no movie is complete without the scantily clad ladies, slash nudity.

Kevin: (Detached) Oh and lets see, how about Scott the homosexual has a break through, becomes the first openly gay Buddhist Monk and Dave becomes President of the US?

Bruce: (Giddy) Yeah, and then Dave, the president, addresses the people: My fellow

(Lights down stage right. Lights up stage left on Dave giving a speech.)

Dave: Americans, I speak to you today not as a president, but as a private citizen of the United States. My military informants inform me of an eminent strike from our North American neighbors of: Canada, Mexico, Cuba, Haiti, Dominican Republic, and the rest of South America. Our only answer is to strike first and so I call for the surrender of the aforementioned countries and continent. The coalition of the forced is on our side, with our allies of Micronesia, the Philippians, Iraq, Afghanistan, Liberia, and Puerto Rico. Knowing that we surly have the upper hand, I assume victory and thus annex the both Americas into the United States. Thank you and God bless America.

(Dave walks to stage center, revealing that he is only wearing a sport coat and underwear. Lights off stage left, lights up stage center. Podium is taken off. Mark is sitting in the room, Scott is admiring his orange toga in a mirror.)

Scott: Well done, Mr. President! Pay up, biatch.

Mark: (Handing Scott money) Damn it! I didnt think you could do that.

Dave: Yeah, I shouldnt have. Now Im going to get calls all day from that pussy, Kofi Annan. Its enough for a man to clone Adolf Hitler.

Mark and Scott: Again?

Dave: Come on, Hitler was begging to be cloned. (Beat) Scott, would you quit looking at yourself! Is that the only reason you turned Buddhist, for the orange toga?

Scott: Not at all! Ouch, Dave, that hurts.

Dave: Im sorry, youre right, that was out of line.

Scott: (In a very homosexual voice) Theyve got great health benefits with paid vacations.

Mark: Man, youre gay.

Scott: Awe, thanks, buddy. Come here and give Lil Scooter a hug!

Mark: No, get away from me. I know you dont wear anything under that! Ill fart!

(Mark tries unsuccessfully to avoid Scott but without standing up.)

Dave: Great, now it smells in here.

Mark: Dont blame me, it was Faggy McFaggerson over there.

Scott: Oh, now thats mature.

Mark: Youre right, it is.

Scott: No, its not.

Mark: Yes, it is.

(Lights down stage center, lights up stage right.)

Kevin: No, its not.

Bruce: Yes, it is.

Kevin: Yes, it is.

Bruce: No, its not.

Kevin: Ahhh, gotcha!

Bruce: Oh, come on, Kev.

Kevin: Whats your idea again?

Bruce: Seven Hitlers come out and do that Russian dance, you know the one where they bend and kick?

(Bruce proceeds to give an example of the dance. Kevin stares at Bruce with a wide mouth and eyes.)

Bruce: Kevin? Kevin!? (Bruce slowly approaches Kevin and pokes him. Kevin falls from the chair, dead.) Why God?! WHY!?!?

(A bright light shines on Kevin and Bruce and a choir of angels is heard. The voice of God answers Bruce through speakers.)

God: (With a German accent) You killed him, it was your pure stupidity. But dont worry, he can now finally sleep.

Bruce: Well, thats a relief. Say, could you give me the best script ever made?

God: (Voice and lights fading away) You just made it my boy, you just made it.

(Bruce and Kevin stand up and go back to their chairs.)

Kevin: I die, and thats the last line?

Bruce: Yeah, thats how all the good ones end.

Kevin: I quit.

(Kevin stands up, grabs his items and exits stage right. Lights change to red and Bach- Toccata begins to play.)

Bruce: (Maniacal laughter) Excellent excellent!

(Kevin enters and sits back down.)

Kevin: So, you wrote us into the script and there are two fake endings.

Bruce: Yeah, I figured if were going to confuse people, we may as well go out on a limb and confuse everybody.

Kevin: (Sighs, disappointed. Beat. Excitedly.) FOX is going to love this mini-movie!

Bruce: They really are. Itll fit perfectly in their Desperate for Ratings Monday.

Kevin: Lets see, make Dave black, add some random boobs, edit in the scene from Independence Day where the White House blows up, and add the ending to Seven.

(Kevin typing frantically on the laptop.)

Bruce: Man, Will Smith was spot on in that role.

Kevin: (Pauses) Oh, I know, such a great actor.

Bruce: Yeah.

Kevin: Yeah.

(Silence.)

Bruce: See, right now would be the perfect time to fart.

(Kevin stares at Bruce. Beat. Kevin continues typing frantically, and makes one big final hit on the keyboard.)

Kevin: You lucky sonufabitch, we made the deadline.

Bruce: We always do.

Kevin: Were an ok team, Brucey Boy.

Bruce: Touch.

Kevin: Same time next week?

Bruce: Yeah, but bring your wife then, shes been givin me the googley eyes if you know what I mean.

Kevin: Fuck you, Bruce. Fuck you.

(Lights down stage right, up down stage center. Enter Angel and Devil.)

Angel: End it with a swear word? Really, you think we need another swear word in this? Ive already given up so much.

Devil: Oh, come on. I let you have Christopher Walken, and this is the thanks I get? You win in most of the movies anyway.

Angel: Well, alright. But you have to agree to make the next Olsen Twins movie good this time.

Devil: Ehhh, well talk.

(Lights down.)

mammamaia
August 20th, 2006, 11:22 PM
pretty clever dialog in many places, but i can't for the life of me figure out what the point of the whole thing is, with all that jumping around and fancy-schmancy staging schtick... overall, it's way too 'teen' for my taste, but then i'm so old, many of my 18 grandkids have already left their teen years behind!

i'd say you definitely have writing talent and show promise as a playwright, but need to simplify your staging... this may make sense to your facile, wonderfully-warped mind, but may well leave most of the audience scratching their heads, along with me...

write on!

love and hugs, maia

A_Clockwork_Brian
August 21st, 2006, 09:43 PM
Bravo! That was great, I actually laughed out loud a couple of times, scared my kittens but it was worth it.

The only thing that I had a beef with was you had too many unnecessary directions in it.
Example: Kevin: (Frustrated) Fine, you know what, fine. Let’s get this done then, let’s just do it.

This is something that bothers directors because they have a vision for your script in their head. I'm only giving you this advice from a former theater director/actors point of view.

Overall it was fantastic! Keep up the good work.