Comedy sketch - please read

[Tom15]

Hi all. I've written a load of comedy sketches and would like to know your opinions on some of them, and hopefully some helpful crits that will help me improve them. The first is as following...

Dead Son sketch

Man (working-class accent) knocks on neighbour's door holding bunch of flowers. Quite elderly woman answers

Man: Hi Ms Peters, just dropping by to say sorry about your son
Ms Peters: What about my son?
Man: (uneasily) His death
Ms Peters: (in shock) What?
Man: (realising she doesn't know) ...what?
Ms Peters: (panicking) What the hell're you talking about?
Man: (improvising; slowly) As in, err, Jesus, ya know he's like a son to all of us, and he died, o-on the cross...sort of
Ms Peters: (unsurely) Ok then
A younger woman, also working-class, appears at the doorway.
Woman: Hi Ms Peters, just coming by to say sorry about your son's dea-
Man raises arms quickly and elbows woman in face, before styling it out into an unconvincing yawn
Ms Peters: What has happened to my son?
Man: (giving up; regretfully) He was in a crash yesterday
MS Peters: (beginning to cry) Oh my God. What happened?
Woman: (rises; suddenly conversational and up-beat) Well it was quite funny actually, wasn't it?
Man: (laughing also) Yeah it was pretty funny
Woman: Huge, and I'm talking HUGE truck custard truck comes out of nowhere and rams into the side of his car. Spilt custard all over him – he turned completely yellow.
Man: (agreeing) Kinda like Homer Simpson
Woman: Yeah that's what I was gonna say
Ms Peters: (wiping away the tears) And then he was dead?
Pause
Man: (slightly confused) Well he's neither dead or alive, is he?
Ms Peters: What?
Man: He's a cartoon character, innit?
Ms Peters: (practically screaming) I'm talking about my son!
Man: Oh right, no he wasn't dead
Ms Peters: (suddenly beaming) So he didn't die? (throws her arms round the man)
Man: (brightly) No! (Ms Peters hugs him again; more quietly) But, then a two-tonne lorry rammed into the other side and kinda took his head off
Ms Peters screams in despair. Long uncomfortable pause
Woman: (quietly) Sort of rolled along the pavement like a football
Man: Yeah...except with blood gushing out from it and, well, a horrified expression of absolute terror on its face
They watch as the distraught mother weeps desperately
Woman: (guiltily) I bought you a football (holds out a ball), just a little memory of his death
Ms Peters: (looks up with an expression of boiling rage on her face)
Man: (brightly) Well, we best be off
They both walk off rather uneasily
Man: (to woman) Which one’s Homer again?

[Aztecsfinest]

I'm sorry but... Where's the comedy? I like dark comedy as much as the next man but it wasn't funny at all. It was more... Depressing than funny.
I'm very sorry but it has to be said.
And what do middle class people sound like?

But I can help you a little with the script, space out the dialogue more and center it, align left the stage directions. Remember it is actors that read the script and should be made out as thus.

Sorry if I was too harsh and I hope I helped a little.

Regards-
Aztecs Finest

[mammamaia]

i have to agree it wasn't the least bit funny... not even for black humor... and you do need to learn proper format for a script...

but dialog isn't centered... in a film script, dialog has indents on both sides, but left side of the dialog itself is aligned... in most stage scripts, dialog extends across the page and direction is in the center, in parentheses...

in both, character names are in all-caps for dialog... in film, they're all-caps in action/direction, only on first intro... in stage scripts, they're all-caps throughout...

[Asphyxiation Len]

Tom15, I can't comment on the scripting, but i'm afraid I didn't find it funny.

I did though, identify what I believe was meant to be humour, but, alas, I don't think it works because it's so hard to believe that a person could be so stupid as to get confused over the Homer S. and the dead man (which I realise is meant to be hugely comical in itself.) If you meant to point to an 'inherent stupidity' in the man's class, then this doesn't work (though i'm not offended by this, it's just a bit lazy and doesn't ring true.) It would be funnier perhaps if you were to write a dialogue where the confusion would seem more obvious to the audience, and the stupidity less absurd... still, I don't think i'd laugh.

Perhaps you thought of the premis and thought it funny enough alone, and it is, v.mildly i'd say, but it falls down because of the reasons I give above. Try to think more carefully about how people are in real life... people can be funny.

[humour-me]

i got to confused reading that, i stoped after the thing about jesus.
hey, i just had an idea for one of those scetchy things, and its not very funny, but i did give me a little giggle. im crazy and laughing at myself. any way, my thought is this.

paparazzi are outside on the red carpet of premier of a new movie staring...errr...some people i guess.
movie finishes and they all come out.

interveiwer: how was is sir?
highly regarded film critiqe: it was a bit shakey at the start there, but it just got better and better. it was a bit long, but i still loved it. best experience in the cinemas ever!
interveiwer turns to the camaras.
interveiwer: and thats the scope from the mens room. now lets head over to the people who have just watched the movie....



hey hey, not funny right?
lol. right.

[humour-me]

ok, so i was out of my lazy mode and i read it.
it wasn't all that funny, but certainly clever.
definetly better than mine and i think we can all agree on that :)

[Archduke Robert of France]

This was not funny. I didn't even manage a grin, and I am a very macabre person (or so the people at school say). :pen:

[hirshmon]

This isn't comedy...this is tragedy. Nothing is resolved in the end except that the woman learns of her sons death. All's well doesn't end well.

[MyThrivingMemoir]

I liked some parts because they made me laugh, but I don't think it's a "comedy" sketch.

[Ruben]

Ms Peters: (wiping away the tears) And then he was dead?
Pause Man: (slightly confused) Well he's neither dead or alive, is he?
Ms Peters: What?
Man: He's a cartoon character, innit?My humour must suck, cause that part made me laugh.