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Satori1
December 18th, 2005, 09:35 PM
A comic script. What do you think?

Page
Donald and his family are driving in a car towards their new home, in the mountains. The window are down and dad is in the drivers seat while his mom sits beside him, happily knitting a kid-sized sweater.
Sitting backwards in the car seat, with his arms folded across his chest, Donald glares through the back window towards the direction of his previous residence.
Donald(cap): My name is Donald. Im 12 years old and ever since I can remember Ive lived in Los Antonio. (sigh) Its back there, 256 miles away and yes, I have been facing it since we left yesterday morning.
Dad: (Taps a tune on the steering wheel and using mirror, looks at Donald) Come on son, just breath in that fresh mountain air. We should be entering town soon so just relax and try to be happy.

Page 2
Don(cap): (frowns) Thats my father, one of the reason why were moving. (shot of dad) See hes an artist and thinks he needs a new place of inspiration. Whatever. (looks at mom) But the real reason why we left is cause of my mom. (shot of mom) As you can see, shes gonna have a baby and she doesnt wanna bring up little Timmy in the big city. Well, she brought up my sister and I in the city and we turned out fine. {Vapors waft over Donald as he glances to the side}What is that smell?

Page 3
Don: I spoke too soon
Sitting in the midst of herbs, charms, and other items dealing with sorcery, Silver holds a small, smoking, black pot on her lap, into which, she adds a vile of colored liquid. The wind blows strands of hair over her face and as she turns to Donald. Her gray eye glints.
Silver: Do you want some?
Don (th): (grimaces at pot) Thatis my morbid older sister, Silver. My parents tell me ever since she learned to read, she has studied witchcraft. I think its because of her evil eye.
Silver: Its the black arts. And if you dont stop looking at me Ill try some of it on you. {places the pot on the floor}
Don: No you wouldnt
Silver: Would I. You would be surprised by the powers of an apprentice sorceress.

Page 4
Don: (still grimacing)
Mom: Children, were here.
Don: Huh?! {Donald tries to turn around in his seat but his leg cramps}Crap. {he tumbles into the pot}
Silver: (laughs evilly)
Dad: Please dont say the c word
Don: (process of getting up) You did that on purpose. Mom!
Page 5
Don: Mom! (peeks over his mothers shoulders and sees the town which appears old and completely deserted) Great. Its basically a ghost town.
Mom: I think its charming.
Dad: I agree and the buildings will be a perfect backdrop for many of my paintings.
Silver: I like the seclusion.
Don: You would. {turns to face Silver who has a stick of incense and is preparing to light it} What are you doing?

Page 6
Silv: Im going to welcome our essence into this place.
Don: No youre not (snatches the stick away) No more smoke and no more fire in this car.
Silver: (hisses in her throat and pounces on Donald)
They wrestle for awhile and then Donald manages to throw the incense out the window.
Don: (sits back in seat) Hah. (the wind ruffles his exposed hair and he notices his bandana missing) What?! Wheres my

Page 7
Don: No! (reaches out for bandana) Dont
Silver: (lights the bandana afire and tosses it out the window) Hah
Don: Mom.
Donalds mom and dad ignore him and continue admiring the town.
Don: {Folds his arms and slouches in his seat while his sister pulls out another incense and begins her ceremony.} I hate this stupid place.

Page 8
Inside a vintage clothing store in the downtown, Angelas mother is picking out clothes while her Amelia chatters around her. Through one of the windows, Mrs. Bee glances at Angela who has her head bent towards the ground and her sons which are playing over a gutter.
Ang(cap): I wishI were dead. At least Ill be someplace other than here. (she looks ahead) Someplace I could be loved or at least, liked. I wish
Andy: (points at Donalds car which is coming towards them) Look Ally, theyre smoking that good stuff.
They all look towards the car.
Ally: What do you know about, that good stuff.
Andy: I saw a program about it
Ally: Oh

Page 9
Ang(wh): Its them
As the car comes towards them Donald leans towards the window to look at Angela. They meet each others gaze and then car drives past. After it disappears down the road a commotion erupts inside the store as Angelas mom bursts out onto the sidewalk, still wearing the clothing stores apparel. Its owner, ranting in a foreign language, follows after her.

Page 10
Bee: Was that them?
Ang: (Angela remains silent)
Bee: {she shades her eyes against the sun as she tries to catch a glimpse of them but they have already turned down a street}Oh Ange, youre completely useless. Angela. I simply asked you to tell me when the car comes.
Andy: I saw them mommy. They were smoking that good stuff.
Bee: Hm? (ponders) Come on, lets go. (turns to the store owner) Just charge it to my account k. Rufe. (winks eye at the store owner and gets into the car and ) Love ya!
Rufe: (mumbles)

Page 11
Inside Mrs. Bees car, Bee is smoking. Amelia sits in the passenger seat and her brothers are in the back, rolling up paper cigarettes. Angela is sitting with them and is smiling to herself.
Ang(th): Who was that boy? I cant believe he actually noticed me. At least I think he noticed me.
Bee: (looks into mirror at Angela) Why are you smiling, Angela?
Andy(grinning): She saw a boy today and was making googily faces at him, mommy
Ang: (casts an annoyed glance at her brother)

Page 12
Bee: A boy? Your age, I suppose. Well, dont get your hopes up. I mean you do have an acceptable figure but no one likes quiet girls.
Amelia: (sings a random song loudly)
Bee: Anyway I believe most of your suitors, if you ever have any, will probably fall for my little Amelia. (smiles adoringly at Amelia and strokes her hair)
Ang(th): (glares at her mother) Curse you
Andy: (chants and claps) tunnel, tunnel, tunnel

Page 13
The car goes under a short tunnel.
Bee: Now Angela, try not to set your face like that, youll get wrinkles.
Ang: (looks away)
They drive out of the tunnel and through a neighborhood. All its neighbors are in the yard raking leaves and doing other various yard chores.
Bee: Tsk, tsk. How predictably nosey they all are.

Page 14
Bee steps out of her car and a group of neighborhood wives flocks to her lawn, gossiping the entire way.
Wife: Why Mrs. Bee, we didnt expect you back so early. Did you see the new family?
Bee: No, thanks to my daughter.
Ang: (looking down)
Bee: But my sons did. They said there were four of them and from the amount of smoke Andy saw billowing out the car, Id say they were all crack addicts.
The women begin gossiping amongst themselves.
Bee: But thats besides the point. You all need to go inside. Theyd be pretty suspicious of this place if they saw all of you standing on your lawns, gawking at them. Go on now, ladies.
(wives disperse)
Bee(to kids): We need to go inside too. Theyll be here shortly.


Page 15
Dad: Stop complaining, son. I believe after awhile this town might even grow on you if you give it a chance.
Don: This place sucks
Silver: You werent thinking that when you saw that girl on the sidewalk. It was as if she cast a spell on you.
Don: Shut up about the magic stuff, o.k.. And I wasnt looking at her.
Dad: Please dont say the s word Donald

Page 16
Mom: (holds up the finished knitted sweater) So what do you think, Donald? Its for your new baby brother.
Don (grouchy): Its too big for a baby and the colors are too bright.
Mom: (tears swell in her eyes) Well, I was just thinking about the future and the b..the ba(sniffs)
Alarmed, everyone looks at mom.
Mom (sobs): The baby

Page 17
Dad: Aw Don, see what youve done to youre poor mother. You know how she gets.
Silv: (sarcastic): Good job, Donald
Don: Mom, I didnt mean it. Its a nice sweater, really it is.
Dad: Calm down, honey. Look, were in our neighborhood now.
Mom (sniffs): We are?
Don: (looks out window) Everyones peeking out their windows at us. Its kinda creepy.
Dad: Hush Donald!

Page 18
Inside Angelas home, Bee is on the phone and is peeking out the blinds at Donalds family who are parked in their driveway, a ways down the street.
Bee: There are four of themyeahwife looks pregnantuh huh.
Amelia: (tugs on her mothers dress) Mommy, when are we going to see them?
Bee: In a minute. (directs her attention to phone again) Uh hnIll send the signal and you follow. Tell the others. (hangs up phone) Boys, go bring the jell-o.
Andy: Im way ahead of you mommy.
Bee: Oh Andy, please help your little brother before he drops that. (pats her hair into place and opens the door for her children) Angela, you stay here with the phone. I wouldnt want you to embarrass me in front of the new neighbors.
Ang: (looks away)

Page 19
Don is sitting on the front steps of his new two-story home. His family is inside.
Don(mutters): Im not going inside that place. Its not my real home. My home is in Los Antonio.
Silv(yells through house): This room is perfect.
Mom: Look at this dear.
Dad: Yes I see. It is huge.
Bee: Yoohoo
Don: (looks up and sees Bee walking towards him with a jello mould) Mom, we have company.

Page 20
Bee: Hello there. Whats your name? (peers past him and into the windows) Are your parents home?
Don: My names Donald.
Mom: (opens the door) Hello, Im Mrs. Trump and I see youve already met Donald.
Bee: Yes, hes such a sweet boy. Im Mrs. Bee.
Mom: Please come in.
Bee: (waves her hand before entering)
Don: (regards her gesture questionably)

Page 21
Ally: Thats her signal for the rest of the neighbors to come
Don (yells): Mom, more company
The children stare at each other until Donald breaks the silence.
Don: So, whats your names?
Ally: Im Ally, hes Andy, and thats Amelia
Amelia (curtsies): Please to meet you

Page 22
(neighbors walk pass them and more children join)
Don: So, what do you all do around this place?
Andy: Watch t.v.
Amelia: And go to school
Ally: generally nothing interesting
Don: Wanna play tag? {They stare at him} Do you even know how to play tag? {all of them shake their heads} (sighs) This is a first. Guess, Ill teach you then.

Page 23
They gather in a circle with Donald standing in the middle.
Don: (holds a fist full of sticks in his hand) Now listen, whoever draws the shortest stick is it understand?
Each of the kids draw a stick and hold it up.
Don: (opens his hand and he has the shortest) Just my luck Im it. (he looks up and all the kids are staring at him) Heres the running part you guys.
Kids: (glance at each other questionably)
Don: Move!
Kids: (scatter and Donald chases after them.)

Page 24
Donald starts chasing after Andy who stops running and begins staring across the street. The other children do the same.
Don: Hey why did you stop running? I didnt touch you yet. (sees Nathan and his group approach them)
Sam: Is your sister in there? (she motions her eyes towards the house)
Don: Yes, why?

Page 25
Nath: None of your business little man. (they walk off) And by the way, stop playing that silly little game. It annoys me.
Don: Why should we?
Nath: (stops walking) Because if you dont, tomorrow, you might find yourself having a very unpleasant day at school.
Don: Are you threatening me?
Nath: Actually

Page 26
Nath: Yes
Donald starts to go after Nathan but is subdued by the kids.
Don: (breaks away from the kids grasp) Whyd you stop me? I couldve taken him on.
Ally: We dont doubt that Donald. Its just...nevermind.
Don: Whadya mean, nevermind?
Ally: Theyre teenagers and we better do what they say.
Don: Whatever, Im going inside cause if they mess with my sister, someones gonna git hurt and its not gonna be me.

Page 27
Nathan enters the house which is bustling with the neighbors. A couch sits in the middle of the living room and a few folded chairs. In the back there is a staircase which leads up to the second floor.
Nath: Split up and find her
Silvers room is bare except for a bed, dresser, and a few boxes scattered around. Various lit candles, sitting on the boxes illuminate her room. Silver is sitting on her bed in a meditative position.
Mom: (knocks on door) Its me, dear.
Silver(wh): Rood nepo Rood (door opens)
Mom: (walks in and looks at the doorknob questionably) I see youre excelling at whatever art youre pursuing.
Silver: The black arts, mother.

Page 28
Mom: Well, thats nice. Why dont you come down stairs and share your hobby with some of the nice young girls down there.
Silver: Because they will most likely call me a freak.
Mom: No they wouldnt and it would make me happy if you at least gave them a chance.
Silv: Fine. (descends to the bed) Ill come.
Nathan looks upstairs and sees Silver following her mom down the stairs. He smiles.
Nath(wh): Found you

Page 29
Silver sits in a chair in a corner. She scans the crowded house through her hair which falls over her face. Nathan walks towards her.
Nath: Hi
Silver: (looks up) Hi, yourself
Nath: Whoa! Wicked Eyes.
Silver: (partial smile) Thank you
Across the room, Donald watches them both.

Page 30
Nath: (leaning against the wall) So, Silver whats youre deal? I mean, what do you like to do.
Silv: I like to study sorcery.
Nath: Really, could you show me some magic.
Silv: A sorceress never reveals her spells
Nath: (smiles)
Sam: Hey Nathan, dont tell me youre already offering her a membership. (approaches them followed by the rest of the crew)

Page 31
Sam: You dont even know if shell fit in.
Silv: (hisses at Sam)
Sam: Ugh, she looks rabid
Nath: Aw Sam, looks can be deceiving
Silv: In my case, theyre not
Sam: (grimaces) Lets go (leaves)
Nath: (follows her) Bye, Silver
Silv: Goodbye



Page 32
Night falls and the last family leaves. Mom is sitting down and dad collapses beside her.
Dad: I never knew neighbors could be so friendly.
Mom: (rests her head on her husbands shoulders) I think we fit in perfectly, dont you.
Dad: (smiles)
Don: (walks past them with his shoulders slumped and a scowl on his face)
Mom: So how did your evening go, Donald dear.
Don: Fine (goes upstairs and slams his door)
Dad: (glances at wife) Ill go talk to him

Page 33
Dad: (knocks on Donalds door) May I come in son
Don: Yes
Dad: (enters)(Donald is lying on his bed with his face in the pillow) You know Donald, this move was not only beneficial for me but for your mother as well. You should at least try to cope with it. Youre making your mother and I very worried.
Don: I hate this place
Dad: Donald, dont say hate because you may learn to love it here after a week or two. Dont you think so, son?
Don: No, I wanna go back to my real home.


Page 24
Dad: This is your home know. And tomorrow youll start your first day of school.
Don: (groans and sits up to face his dad who is holding a uniform in his hand) Whats that?
Dad: Oh this, its your new uniform. Youre teacher dropped it by. (holds up uniform)
Don: (entire body cringes) Itsugly. Im not wearing it.

mammamaia
December 18th, 2005, 10:29 PM
sorry, doesn't do a thing for me... starts too slow, imo and heads downhill from there...

btw, the town name, 'los antonio,' is off... 'los' is the plural of 'the' and 'antonio' is a man's name... so, unless it's named after more than one 'spanish tony' [in which case it would have to be 'antonios'], it makes no sense...

Satori1
December 19th, 2005, 01:31 AM
well, yeah, the town's name isn't my main concern. I plan to change that later...its just something I came up with at the moment. k. Its not really a fast-paced action packed story either so if you could give me some tips on how the pacing could be picked up, I would appreciate it. Thanks for your comment.

mammamaia
December 19th, 2005, 07:29 PM
sorry, but this seems to be a comic book ms, not a play or film script, so i don't know why it's here in the 'scripts & plays' section... and i don't do comics, so really can't give you a valid opinion... even if i did, the format is not right and too hard to read...

Satori1
December 20th, 2005, 10:28 PM
It is a comic book "script," and there is no particular format as long as the artist can read it. Anyway, I edited it, and I assure you it's definitely different, easier to read, and I cut out alot of stuff. I just want to know if the overall story is represented well.

Issue 1 (edited much)

Page
Afternoon-Donald and his family are driving in a small car towards their new home in the mountains. Donalds father is in the drivers seat and his mother sits beside him looking out the window with an annoyed expression. Sitting backwards in the car seat, with his arms folded across his chest, Donald glares through the back window.
Dad: (taps a tune against the steering wheel) Come now, son. We should be coming into town soon so try to have a behave pleasantly.
Donald: Hmph
Dad: (smiles) Your sister seems to be enjoying the ride.
Don: (glances at Silver)
Silv: (gives Don a flat glare)
Don: Do you really want to compare me to her?
Silv: Why not?
Don: Because youre weird.
Silv: (smirks) Ill show you weird. (flashes her black painted fingernails as she prepares to pounce on Donald)

Page 2
Donalds mom becomes more irritated as her children pinch each others cheeks and whatever other body parts they can get to. Finally, she cracks.
Mom: (turns to back) Shut it up you two. (they continue to fight) Dont make me come back there. (reaches in the back and tries to break them apart)
Dad: (lifts eyebrows and wears a amused expression because of the situation, and his wifes behind which is flailing around in the air)(smiles) Were here.
Kids and mother stop fighting to look at downtown.
Far shot of car entering town:
Don: Great, its a ghost town

Page 8
Inside a vintage clothing store in the downtown, Angelas mother is picking out clothes. She glances at Angela who has her head bent towards the ground and her sons which are looking at a gutter.
Andy: (looking into gutter) I bet it goes to China
Ally: No actuallyit goes to the underworld. I saw it on television.
Andy: Stop lying, Ally. It goes to China.
Ally: No, its true. And if you stare at it long enough, you will be able to see dead souls at the bottom.
Andy: (looks harder into gutter and hears water rushing at the bottom)(shivers)
Ally: (nudges him)
Ally: (falls onto gutters bars and screams)
Andy: (laughs, but stops when he sees car coming)

Page 9
Ang (wh): Theyre here
The car swerves unsteadily as it comes towards them. Through the windows, they can see that Donald has his sister pinned against the seat, and his mother is yelling at both of them.
Mom: (yells) Donald, you let youre sister go, right now.
Donald leans towards the window to look at Angela. Their gaze is broken by Silver who forces Donald off of her and they begin fighting again.
Andy: Whoa! Talk about your dysfunctional family, eh Angela.
Angela: (staring down the road at the disappearing car)
Andy: Angela
Andy cringes at the commotion which erupts inside the store behind him.

Page 10
Angelas mom, Mrs. Loveless, bursts out onto the sidewalk, wearing the clothing stores apparel. Its owner, ranting in a foreign language, follows after her.
Love: Was that them?
Ang: (remains silent and steps away from mom)
Love: (shades eyes against the sun, trying to catch a glimpse of them) Oh Ange, I swear youre completely useless most of the time. Dont walk away from me. (catches Ange by the shoulder and presses her against her thighs) Now, tell mommy what you saw.
Ally: She saw nothing because she was too busy gawking at a boy in the car.
Mom: A boy? Your age I suppose. Well now(wags her finger in Angelas face) No, flirting for you until youre your sisters age. (releases her)
Ang: (exhales)
Love: (yells) Amelia, come on, we gotta split.

Page 11
Aml: (exits store wearing a hat.) Mommy, dont you think this hat looks just lovely on me.
The boys are already in the car and Angela is about to get in.
Mom: Yes dear, now get in the car.
Aml: (bumps into Angela as she squeezes past her and into the front seat)(smiles)
Owner: (rants)
Mom: Thanks for the clothes, just charge it to my account k. (winks eye at the store owner and zooms off) Love ya!
Owner: (folds arms and grumbles)

Page 12
Family, except for Donald, is standing outside the car admiring their new 1-story home. All enter house except for dad and Donald.
Dad: Donald, get out the car.
Don: (grumbles and grudgingly comes out) Ill come out but Im not going inside.
Dad: Fine, then you can sleep out here.
Don: (under breath) Im looking forward to it
Dad: (turns away from Donald and goes inside)
Don: (kicks rocks) Stupid townwhy did we hafta moveI was perfectly happy where I was. Just me and my crew. (sits down on steps)
Lady 1: (walks across lawn towards him with jello mould in hand) Hey there!
Don (th): Maybe if I close my eyes, everything will return to the way it was. (closes eyes)

Page 13
Lady 1: (standing over him) Wake up sonny-boy and lemme git a good look atcha
Don: (opens eyes) Definitely not the way it was. (stands)
Lady 1: (examines him) Ah, now youre a handsome fella. Bet your parents just as good-looking. They here?
Don: (while looking at her peculiarly) Mom, company!
Dad: (opens door) Hello!
Lady 1: (slaps Donald on the shoulder) Now, whaddit I tellya. (laughs)
Dad: Im Mr. Trenton, please come in.
Lady 1: Dont mind if I do. (walks inside home)

Page 14
Don: (grasps head and groans) Why me? (plunks down on steps and looks up)
Several other women, some with children, and all carry jell-o moulds, walk towards Donald.
Don: Oh look, theres more of them. And they brought their spawns of evil.
The women completely disregard Donald and walk inside his house.
Don (th): Oh yeah, open invitation. Just walk right into my househey, did I say my house (notices there are now a group of whispering children looking at him)
Girl 1 (wh): Hes kinda mean lookin
Girl 2 (wh): Yeah, but he sure is cute
Don: Do you want something?
Group parts in the back.
Eins: Move it! Outta my way! I said move, people.
Don: (stands up to see who it is)

Page 15
Eins: (pushes himself through kids to Donald) Hello, maybe I can be of some assistance.
Don: (grimaces at his nerdish garb) Who are you?
Eist: My name is Einstein, the genius of this town, and Ive come here to give you some information. But first(turns attention to the kids) Go away, all of you. Theres nothing to see here.
Kids turn to leave.
Don: Whyre you telling them to go. (picks ears) I was hoping theyd like to play a game or something.
Hopeful, the kids turn back around.
Don: (smiles at them)
Eist: Oh ho. Thats just it. Around here, we dont play games. Its one of our implied rules. (gestures with hands)
Don: (glowers down at him)

Page 16
Don: (steps towards him) No, this is whats it. Because I despise this town so much and Im really in the mood for starting some trouble, Im gonna make it my business to break every rule I can. Starting with this one.
Girl 1: See I told you he was scary.
Girl 2: Uh hn.
Eist: (shrinks) Alright, as long as its a quiet game.
Don: (smiles) Cool, well play prison break. (places hand on Einsteins shoulder) And youre our first prisoner.
Eint: (forces a smile)

Page 17
Inside Angelas home which is dimly lit and having few pieces of furniture including a television which is sitting on the floor. Loveless has a jell-o mould in hand and is preparing to leave out the front door.
Love: (yells) Alright kids, you all have fun doing whatever it is that you do. Ill be back tonight. (steps out door and is surprised to see Nathan leaning against house) Oh, Nathan, you scared me.
Nath: Evening, Mrs. Loveless, is Amelia ready?
The rest of his crew silently watches them.
Love: I guess. Is she going somewhere?
Nath: Yeah, to that new familys house.
Love: Well then, shell be out in a minute. You guys have fun. Bye. (walks away, swaying her hips)
Nath: Bye (smirks at his crew and they smile in return)

Page 18
Inside Angelas house and this time, Angelas preparing to leave.
Aml: (smoothes blouse) Cmon boys.
Boys come down hall.
Ally: Were comin. I just had to get Andy dressed.
Aml: (opens door)
Ang(wh): Am I going?
Aml: No, you stay here. I wouldnt want you to embarrass me in front of Na(turns to see Nathan smiling at her) Hey, Nathan.
Ally and Amelia exit house.
Andy: (turns to Angela before leaving) Ill bring back some jell-o for you, Ange.
Ange: (partly smiles)
Door closes and she is left in the dark house.

Page 19
Walking towards new neighbors home.
Nath: So, you ready to meet this new kid?
Aml: Yeah, I was born ready. (th) Even though this is my first time interviewing a new member. (grimaces) What is that awful noise?
Standing across the street from the new house they see a group of kids playing prison break. They kids are divided into two lines; everyone linking hands.
Kids: (unison yell) Prison Break!
Einstein runs across the field in a nerdish manner and tries to break the link but is repelled easily. Angelas brothers grin at each other in amusement then turn to look back at Amelia.
Aml: (glowers at brothers)
Ron: (smoothly) Apparently, Einstein didnt inform him of the rules.
A.J.: Yeah boss

Page 20
Nath: Then lets pay our friend a visit
The two girls who have a crush on Donald prepare to call over the next prisoner.
Girl 2: I call..
Girl 1: (whispers in Girl 2s ear)
Girl 2: (coyly) Donald!
Don: (looks down and smirks) Dont think Ill go easy on you.
Kids: (unison yell) Prison Break!
Don: (sprints towards them)
Girls: (giggle and try to hold their composer)
Girl 1: (looking towards street) Look
Girl 2: (looks)
They slowly release each others grip.

Page 21
Don: (Easily sprints through their hands, expecting resistance. He tries to slow himself down but ends up slipping and falling instead.)(gets up with fists clenched) The point of this game is to stop me from breaking through. (turns around) What part of that dont you understand? (sees teen group and puts fist down)
Nath: Donald, is it.
Don: So, I see youve come for me. (looks down smirking to himself) I new Izzy would send the good word for me, I just didnt expect you to come so quickly. (reaches out to shake his hand) Its a pleasure to meet you.

Page 22
Nath: (looks down at his hand) Einstein.
Don: (embarrassed look and is still holding out his hand)
Eins: (cautiously breaks away from line) Yes boss
Nath: I thought I told you to tell him about the rules.
Eint: (approaches him) I did sir. (glares at Donald) But he wouldnt listen.
Nath: A tough kid, I see.
Don: (lowers hand) Toughest around. Im sure my previous leader told you of my accomplishments. Ive been apart of three gangs and this will be my fourth
Nath: What makes you so sure weve come here for you?

Page 23
Don: Well I
Sam: We came here for your sister.
Don: (baffled beyond logical reason) My sister, what possibly could you want with her?
Ron: Our crew is only composed of teenagers. The real question is why would we need a kid like you.
A.J.: So is your sister in the house? Or not?
Don: (nods in surprise)
Nathan and his crew walks away.
Nath: And do us a favor, stop playing that silly little childs game.
Don: (prepares to go after him but is subdued by kids)(rants) Youll regret this!

Page 24
Aml: Cute kid.
Nath: Hes a little too stubborn for me but hell come around.
Crew: (smirks)
Nath: (opens door) Now, lets find this girl.
Donalds mom is at her daughters door.
Mom: (knocks on door) Its me, dear.
Silv: Come in
Mom: (enters the room which is dark so she flicks on the light)
Silvers room is bare except for a bed, dresser, and a few boxes scattered around. Silver is laying on her bed.
What are doing in this dark room?

Page 25
Silv: Nothing
Mom: Well get up. I just saw a sweet group of teenager walk in and Im sure they wont mind your company.
Silv: Mom, I dont do sweet teenagers.
Mom: Why not?
Silv: Because theyll think Im a freak.
Mom: (frowns) Silver Trenton, you get up out that bed now.
Silv: (grudgingly gets up)
Mom: (Come on. Grabs her by the hand and ushers her out the room.)

Page 26
The house is bustling with neighbors. A couch sits in the middle of the living room and a few folded chairs.
Mom (th): (looks down at Silver) Im tired of you sulking around in your dark room all the time. If Im going to grow accustomed to this new neighborhood, so will you. (stops a few yards from where Nathans crew is standing) There they are.
Nath: (looks up) There she is.
Silv: (whines) Mom
Mom: (glares sternly)
Silv: Fine, Ill go.
Mom: Thats my girl

Page 27
Mom: (smiles at Silver whos talking to Nathan)
Nath: So, we finally get to meet you. Im Nathan. This is Sam, Ron, and A.J..
Silv: My names Silver.
Nath: Make her feel comfortably, Sam, and tell her the jest of our operations.
Aml: ( smiles at Nathan and links her arm around Silvers) Well, to start with
Mom: (walks away smiling)

Page 28
Night falls and the last family leaves. Mom is sitting down rubbing her temples and dad collapses beside her.
Dad: (exclaims) I never knew neighbors could be so friendly.
Mom: (moans) Mn. I need to take some pills.
Dad: (smiles)
Don: (walks past them with his shoulders slumped and a scowl on his face)
Mom: So how did your evening go, Donald.
Don: Fine (goes upstairs)
Dad: (glances at wife) Ill go talk to him

Page 29
Dad: (knocks on Donalds door) May I come in son
Don: Yeah, whatever.
Dad: (enters)(Donald is lying on his bed with his face in the pillow) You know Donald, Im very proud of you for trying to cope with this town by playing with those children today.
Don: I hate this place
Dad: Well, thats besides the point, this is your home know and tomorrow youll start your first day of school.
Don: (groans and sits up to face his dad who is holding a uniform in his hand) What is that?
Dad: Oh this, its your new uniform. Youre teacher dropped it by. (holds up uniform)
Don: (grimaces) Im notwearing that.

Nails
December 28th, 2005, 09:43 AM
While I have yet to get anything published in the comic book biz, I do have quite a lot of experience in writing comic scripts and thus I shall attempt to offer some insight:

A) You're really not giving the artist much to go on. Comics are a visual medium, and there ain't much there in terms of visuals. I'd recommend sitting down and doing a panel by panel description, because that's how I do it, but if you want to go page by page then at least provide a page worth of visuals. The first page, for example, gives only this to the artist:

"Afternoon-Donald and his family are driving in a small car towards their new home in the mountains. Donalds father is in the drivers seat and his mother sits beside him looking out the window with an annoyed expression. Sitting backwards in the car seat, with his arms folded across his chest, Donald glares through the back window."

Now that's a good description for one panel. Not a whole hell of a lot an artist can do with it for a whole page though, and even if they do come up with 4-6 ways to show people sitting in a car it's still not a very interesting image. After that it's like you got lazy and didn't provide ANY description. This really isn't a script at all, it's just written dialogue. I don't mean this to be a personal insult in any way, shape, or form, but no artist would ever waste their time with this.

Which brings us to B) Even reading between the lines of the dialogue, there aren't many interesting images. This seems more like a prose piece than a comic. There's nothing to grab the attention in the visuals, nothing interesting happening at all. Virtually no action, either.

C) Not a very interesting story, either. What you have here would probably make for a good first 3-4 pages of a first issue, but stretching it out over the whole issue is just boring

D) It's a non-standard page length. Most mini-series in comics are 32 pages long. Most monthly books are 22.

Having said that:

E) The writing is good! Though I'm not terribly interested in your story, and the script is rather hard to read and impossible to percieve visually, the writing is perfectly fine on a technical level. Your weaknesses are in the crafting of the script and its content, but you do have talent. With revisions to the story and tighter scrip formatting you should have no problem making this a damn entertaining book.


Just my two cents. Take it or leave it. :)

silver_melusine
December 31st, 2005, 02:33 AM
In my opinion, this is a very well written script. I like it a lot. I have never written a script but in my opinion this is really good. Keep writing!