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Sooperjesus
July 22nd, 2005, 01:47 AM
I started this idea as a novel-ish type story, but I am also trying it as a script. I'm not sure the exact format scripts are made in, but I think I've done a fairly good job copying the format of the scripts I read on the Internet. Let me know what you think.

EXT. AERIAL SHOT OF THE CITY OF AASTAAN, DAY

VOICE OVER
The city of Aastaan, the last bastion of mankind. It is a city ruled by the rich. A city built upon the backs of the poor, oppressed masses. Outside these walls lie an uninhabitable wasteland, a place where no man has dared to venture in countless generations.

EXT CITY STREET, DAY

ARTHUR PENNINGTON is a man about to burst at the seams as he runs, desperately, through the crowded, filthy streets of Aastaan. He is man of little character, and no dream but the betterment of his own position. Tightly tucked under his arm is a folder overflowing with papers.

ARTHUR
Out of my way, perfidious pedestrians! Get out of my way! Out of my way or Ill have you jailed for... for obstruction of me!

Arthurs breathing is labored, but still he presses on. People are cursing at him.

CUT TO: SHOT OF THE TUCLUMP TOWER.

The tower reaches far into the atmosphere, and the tip is lost in the clouds.

Arthur reaches the staircase that ascends to the entrance of the building. He pauses a moment to catch his breath.
He approaches the imposing iron doors and rings the bell. A loud, terrible ringing startles him and he steps backwards, nearly falling down the steps.

VOICE
Enter.

Slowly, the doors open and Arthur steps inside.

CUT TO:
INT. ENTRANCE

Arthur steps into a large room with iron walls. Dim glowing orbs are hung on the walls, and spaced evenly apart. There is no ceiling that he can see, or it is swallowed by darkness.
Arthur is struck by sudden vertigo.

ARTHUR
Hello?

His voice is echoed.

ARTHUR
Hello? I am Arthur Pennington and Im here to see Mr. Tuclump. Its urgent Business!

Echoed again.

VOICE
Enter.

Suddenly the far wall opens up. A blinding light pours from the opening. Covering his eyes, Arthur steps toward it.

INT. WAITING ROOM

In the middle of the waiting room is a desk. At this desk is DORIS, the secretary. She watches Arthur stumble inside with a keen satisfaction.

DORRIS
Hello. How may I help you?

ARTHUR
I am here to see Mr. Tuclump. I am Arthur Pennington and I work for the company.

DORRIS
Do you have an appointment?

ARTHUR
No, but I-

DORRIS
Im sorry. No one is permitted to see Mr. Tuclump without an appointment. Good day.

Dorris swivels her chair away from Arthur and begins tapping facetiously at her keyboard.
Arthur coughs to get her attention. When that doesnt work, he coughs louder.

ARTHUR
Maam, now what I have in my possession will prove to be very important and Mr. Tuclump would be keen to see it. Now, either you let me give this to him or I will see to it that you are promptly fired for insubordination.[/b]

DORRIS
And just where do you work, Mr. Pennington?

ARTHUR
Im manager of the research and development department.

DORRIS
Manager, Mr. Pennington?

ARTHUR
Well, mid-manager, but-

Dorris sighs and picks up the phone.

DORRIS
Mr. Tuclump? Sir? Yes, I have a Mr. Pennington here to see you. Yes, he says he has documents you must see.
Yes. Yes sir, I understand. Goodbye.

ARTHUR
Was that Mr. Tuclump? What did he say? May I go see him now?

DORRIS
Yes. And no. To answer your question, Mr. Pennington, Mr. Tuclump has instructed me to take the papers up to him myself.

Arthur becomes desperate. He clutches the folder tightly to his chest.

ARTHUR
Please, you must understand that I have to deliver this to Mr. Tuclump myself! It is of a very sensitive matter, and I could not bear for this to become lost or fall into the wrong hands. Why, such an occurrence would devastate the company and embolden our rivals![/b]

DORRIS
Mr. Pennington, please, if you do not give me those papers then I will have no other alternative but to call security. Believe me when I say that our security forces are much more adapted at the art of persuasion than I.

With a sigh that shakes the very foundation of his being, Arthur lays the folder on Dorris desk and turns to walk away.
Dorris reaches for the folder, then cringes when she realizes that it is drenched in sweat.

DORRIS
Oh, Mr. Pennington.

ARTHUR
Yes?!?

DORRIS
On second thought, why dont you take this to Mr. Tuclump yourself. Its my lunchtime.

With a whoosh, a chain driven elevator descends next to Dorris desk. She motions towards it.

DORRIS
Well, what are you waiting for?

Arthur steps on and the elevator begins its slow ascent.

CUT TO:

INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT
The elevator shaft is nearly pitch black. It rises slowly and Arthur becomes nervous. There are no floors at all, just darkness.
The elevator stops suddenly and Arthur nearly drops the folder. The papers scatter and he scrambles to catch them all, nearly falling off the platform himself.
A door opens. From the elevator, Arthur looks into the posh office of Mr. Tuclump.

MR. TUCLUMP
Who are you?

ARTHUR
Mr. Tuclump, I am Arthur Pennington and I-

MR. TUCLUMP
Ah, the fellow with the urgent package for me. Please, excuse my callowness, I was expecting my secretary. Have you seen her?

ARTHUR
She said it was her lunchtime, sir.

MR. TUCLUMP
My, oh my. Good help is hard to find, as they say. Dont you agree, Mr. Pennington?

ARTHUR
Yes, sir, it is.

MR. TUCLUMP
Well, come, come. Please, sit.

INT. MR. TUCLUMPS OFFICE

MR. TUCLUMP
So, Arthur. You dont mind if I call you Arthur, do you? Of course not. So, what do you have for me, Arthur?

ARTHUR
Here sir, these were just finished today.

Arthur hands Tuclump the folder.

MR. TUCLUMP
This report is a bit damp.

ARTHUR
I apologize sir. You see, I ran here from the R&D office as soon as the reports were completed. I knew youd want to see them and I couldnt trust an idol laborer with something as important as this.

MR. TUCLUMP
(Reading Report)
Very good, very good. I see that we have located the Vessel. Good, good. We are far ahead of the fellows down at Taboada and Company.


ARTHUR
Its all for the good of the company, sir.

MR. TUCLUMP
Now, that is the kind of talk I like to hear from my employees. I can see that you will be going places, Arthur.

ARTHUR
Thank you sir, I would be honored to serve the company in any way that I can.

MR. TUCLUMP
Good. Now, in appreciation of your service, why dont you take the express elevator down?

ARTHUR
Express elevator, sir?

Tuclump grins wickedly and the floor behind Arthur opens up. The char tilts back and spills him into the hole.
Arthur drops, but manages to grab on to the ledge. For a few moments he hangs, a frightful look in his eyes. Tuclump watches with amusement. Then, Arthur loses his grip and falls. His screams are quickly lost as he falls further away.
Tuclump picks up the phone.

DORRIS
Mr. Tuclump, what may I do for you sir?
(On the other line)

MR. TUCLUMP
Dorris dear, we have discussed this before. Youre lunchtime is at 1, not whatever time pleases you.
Now, see to it that Martin comes to my office immediately. Be sure to tell him that weve found the Vessel, hell know what you mean.

A screaming can be heard on Dorris end. Its becoming gradually louder. There is a loud crashing noise and the scream immediately stops.

DORRIS
Yes sir, Ill contact him immediately. By the way, sir, Mr. Pennington has just arrived.

MR. TUCLUMP
Good, good. See to it that he is disposed of properly. And, remember, lunch is at 1.

DORRIS
Yes sir, I understand. Goodbye.
Tuclump hangs up the phone. He swivels his chair and gazes out the window overlooking the city. He stretches his arms behind his head and relaxes with a smile on his face.

CUT TO:
CREDITS

CUT TO:
INT. FACTORY

A single bulb swings lazily from the ceiling, casting a dull light over the factory. A few dozen workers labor at the assembly lines, their hands working autonomously from their weary minds. They are all clearly exhausted.
The machines spew noxious black smoke which hangs in the unventilated factory like a fog.
THE FOREMAN, a scarred, evil looking man, runs up and down the lines, cursing and yelling orders at his underlings.

FOREMAN
Faster, you lazy sons of bitches! I swear, if any of you bastards hold my line up, Ill send you down to the boiler room myself! You can shovel rat droppings into the furnaces til you drop, for all I care!
I said faster!

A WORKER on the line slumps forward. CALEB FITZPATRIC helps him up. Seeing this, the Foreman rushes over and bashes Caleb in the leg with his baton.

FOREMAN
What is this? What the hell is this?
(To Caleb)
Get back to work there, you!
(To Worker)
And you! You better get up right now or I swear Ill rip your heart out! Do you hear me?

Worker slumps to the ground and the Foreman kicks him hard in the ribs.

FOREMAN
Get up you bastard! Oh, fuck it.
(To Caleb)
You! Get him out of here. Throw him out the front door, I dont care. And when you get back, you got your job AND his to do. Go!

CALEB
But, Foreman, I think hes sick!

FOREMAN
Im sorry? Did I tell you to talk to me? Huh? Are we having a play date? Did you bring your dolls here to play with all your little girlfriends? Didja? Huh?

CALEB
No, sir. I didnt.

FOREMAN
Dont call me sir, you son of a bitch. I work for a living. Now, if you value your skin youd better get this piece of trash out of here and return on the double. I said go!

CALEB
Yes, Foreman.

Caleb grabs Worker and lifts him over his shoulder. As he carries him to the door, the machine running the assembly line suddenly kicks and then stalls. The Foreman rushes past Caleb, pushing him violently out of the way. Worker falls off his shoulder and lands head first on the floor. Hes bleeding profusely.

FOREMAN
You piece of shit machine! Work! I have a goddamned quota to meet!
(He kicks the machine, which reluctantly starts again. He waves his baton threateningly at it, as if the machine could see and hear him.)
Youd better not do that again.
(To the laborers around him)
What are you girls gawking at? Get back to work!

Caleb is trying to stop Workers head from bleeding. He looks desperate, and his uniform is drenched in blood.
The Foreman rushes over angrily.

FOREMAN
What the hell is going on here? I told you to take this trash outside!

CALEB
Foreman, hes bleeding really bad. We need to stop it or hes gonna die if we dont stop it.

FOREMAN
The only thing Im concerned about is keeping todays quota. You do what I told you and throw him outside. Do not disobey me again, do you understand?

CALEB
Foreman, I -
(The Foremans eyes turn cold. He grips his baton tightly)
I mean, Yes, Foreman. Ill do as you say.

Caleb grabs Worker and drags him towards the door, leaving a trail of blood in his wake.

EXT. OUTSIDE FACTORY, NIGHT

Caleb drags Worker through the door and sets him gently against the wall of the factory.

CALEB
Dont worry, buddy, Ill get you some help as soon as I can. Youre gonna be ok.

Worker mumbles weakly, and Caleb struggles emotionally to leave, but his fear of the Foreman overshadows any empathy he feels for his injured co-worker.

INT. FACTORY

Caleb picks up where he left off on the assembly line, but now hes rushing between two stations and doing the work of two men.
The Foreman can be heard cursing and beating laborers around him, but Caleb focuses solely on his task.
A whistle blows.
Men pile through the factory doors and line up on the walls.

FOREMAN
Alright, girls. Shifts over. Get your sorry asses out of here and dont hold my line up.
The workers pile out the door as their gloomy replacements take position on the line and immediately begin working.
Caleb pushes past his coworkers, trying to be the first out of the door.

EXT. FACTORY, NIGHT

Caleb rushes to Worker outside. Hes slumped against the wall, pale.

CALEB
Hey buddy, you ok?
(Shakes Worker)
Buddy, hey, cmon, say something.

Hes dead. Caleb stares for a moment in disbelief. His hands are bloody and he wiped them on his already blood stained shirt.

BARNEY approaches. Hes been waiting outside.

BARNEY
Hey, Cal, is that the guy who passed out earlier?

CALEB
(Shaken)
Yeah...

BARNEY
He doesnt look so good.

CALEB
Hes dead, Barney. I should have done something.

BARNEY
Hey, man, theres nothing you could have done. If you would have tried to help... hell, you couldve ended up just like him. Thats our lot in life.

CALEB
I still should have done something. Now hes dead.

BARNEY
Whats his name?

CALEB
I dont know.

BARNEY
Man, I wonder if he had a family.

CALEB
We need to do something now, at least. Can you help me pick him up?

BARNEY
Whoa! Im not touching that corpse! Security will be here soon enough. Theyll know what to do with him.

CALEB
We cant just leave him here.

BARNEY
Caleb, hes already dead. Theres nothing you can do. Lets just get out of here. Cmon, Ill buy you a drink at the Rusty Dog.

Barney grabs Calebs shoulder and tries to get him up.

CALEB
Get your hands off me! Im not leaving him. I cant... I just-

SECURITY MAN walks up to see whats going on.

SECURITY MAN
Hey! You two, whats going on here?

BARNEY
This guy died earlier in the factory.

SECURITY MAN
How?

BARNEY
He hit head, I think. Theres blood everywhere.

SECURITY MAN
(Checking the dead mans neck for a pulse)
Hes dead alright. You fellas get moving, Ill take care of this.

Barney turns to leave but Caleb is staring at the body, a desperate sorrow on his face.

SECURITY MAN
(To Caleb)
Hey, pal, I said get going.

BARNEY
Cmon, Caleb, theres nothing else we can do.

SECURITY MAN
(Pulls a prod from his belt. It cackles with electricity)
Youd better listen to him, unless you want to join your friend here.

Reluctantly, Caleb rises and follows Barney away from the scene.

SECURITY MAN
Yeah, I got a cold one down at sector 787. Ill need a transport to the dump, over.

BARNEY
Theres nothing you could have done. Cmon, how bout that drink?

CACKLING VOICE OVER RADIO
ETA on that transport is 5 mike, over.

CALEB
This isnt a life, Barney.

BARNEY
This isnt a life indeed, Cal.

INT. RUSTY DOG CANTINA

Empty glasses surround Barney and Caleb in the crowded bar. The duo are obviously drunk.
Barney pulls a wooden pipe from his shirt pocket and lights it. He exhales smoke rings with keen satisfaction.

BARNEY
What a day, Cal, what a day. And we get to do it all again tomorrow.

CALEB
Do you ever wonder why we do this?

BARNEY
Do I wonder why we do what?

CALEB
Ive been working since as far back as I can remember. I started off at the slaughterhouse as a kid, mopping up blood and bits of guts from the floor. Im 32 now and I cant think of a time that I was ever happy.

BARNEY
Happy? Youre worried about being happy? Let me tell you something, my friend, forget happiness. It dont exist, at least not unless youre born with a silver tit in your mouth.
You need to focus on surviving. You need to focus on not ending up like your friend outside the factory today. Thats what you should be worried about. Happiness. Bah. Who needs it?

CALEB
Look, all Im saying is that we deserve better than this. I mean, Ill work but a human being was not designed to be a slave. There are limits to what we should be made to do.

BARNEY
Slaves? I tell you what, Id much rather be a slave then be tossed out of the gates, to die in the wastes. Maybe we aint got the best station in life, but at least here we have security and a place to sleep and food on our plates.

CALEB
Barney, this city would fall apart without us. The police and the rulers, theyre all crooked I tell you this: We outnumber them. If we rose up in mass thered be no stopping us, wed -

BARNEY
(Kicking Cal hard)
Shut up, you fucking idiot. You know that kind of talk can get you jailed. And Id be in trouble just listening to your stupid ass talk.

CALEB
Im sorry. Its just... I really... I really need a woman.

BARNEY
Now thats the kind of talk I like to hear. Cmon, I know just the place to go.
Barkeep, how much I owe ya?

BARKEEPER approaches. Hes cleaning a glass with a filthy rag.

BARKEEPER
(Motions to the man in the corner)
The fella over there has already taken care of yer tab.

Barney and Caleb look over to the man in the corner. They dont know it yet, but that is MARTIN.

MARTIN nods, they nod, and he suddenly leaves.

BARNEY
Thats funny. Do you know him?

CALEB
No, but he looked kind of familiar. Like I saw him in a dream or something.

BARNEY
Barkeep! Who was the guy who paid for our drinks?

BARKEEPER
Beats me. Never seen him before. Didnt drink himself, just in the corner. Said he was waiting for someone.

BARNEY
Certainly couldnt have been us.

BARKEEPER
Gnight, fellas. Be safe.

BARNEY
We will, thanks.

CALEB
Yeah, thanks.

Barney and Caleb leave the bar.[/b][/b]

mammamaia
July 22nd, 2005, 05:15 PM
needs much work on both format and writing style, sj... if you want some help with it, feel free to email me any time at all... i work with a lot of aspiring screenwriters and will be happy to help you get the format and style closer to 'right'...

here's a small sample of what needs to be 'fixed'... i'll have to add a bit to make it work, but am just guessing, so hope you'll forgive anything that doesn't fit your vision:

EXT. CITY OF AASTAAN - DAY

Seen from above, the city is surrounded by high walls. What lies beyond is shrouded in mist.

MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)

The city of Aastaan, the last bastion of mankind. It is a city ruled by the rich. A city built upon the backs of the poor, oppressed masses. Outside these walls lie an uninhabitable wasteland, a place where no man has dared to venture in countless generations.

EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY

ARTHUR PENNINGTON (age) runs desperately, through the crowded, filthy streets. He is slender, bookish, and neatly dressed, though a bit disheveled. Tightly tucked under one arm is a folder overflowing with papers.

ARTHUR

Out of my way, perfidious pedestrians! Get out of my way! Out of my way or Ill have you jailed for... for obstruction of me!

His breathing labored, he runs on. PEOPLE curse at him, as he shoulders his way through the crowd.

EXT. THE TUCLUMP TOWER - MINUTES LATER

The tower reaches far into the atmosphere, its tip lost in the clouds.

Arthur reaches the steps to the entrance. He pauses to catch his breath, climbs to the imposing iron doors and presses a button marked "RING FOR ENTRANCE"

The loud RING startles him and he jumps, nearly falls down the steps.

...you can see some of what needs 'adjusting' from the sample... but you have a good beginning that catches the imagination and makes me want to read further... not a bad start for a beginner!

love and hugs, maia
[email protected]

[margin settings won't work on a post, but in a proper script, dialog is set in from action w/ character's name centered above it... the rest looks much as i have it here]

Sooperjesus
July 25th, 2005, 03:00 PM
Thank you for taking the time to help. Your tips helped out quite a bit, I think.

mammamaia
July 25th, 2005, 03:02 PM
sorry i can't really show you how it should look in a post... if you'd like a more accurate version, just email me that excerpt in the format you wrote it in, and i'll be glad to edit that for you...

hugs, maia