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Green
July 1st, 2005, 04:01 PM
--Hello. I'm new here. I wasn't exactly sure where to put this, so here it is. It's a play I've made - and I could use critique. You don't have to read the whole thing for it is long... Thank you.

MRS. MCGEE!
An Eccentric Fairytale by Green

Let Me Entertain You, by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim.
Revised Lyrics by Green.

One, by Marvin Hamlisch and Edward Kleban.
Revised Lyrics by Green.

I Love To Laugh and Lets Go Fly a Kite, by the Sherman Brothers.
Revised Lyrics by Green.

Cast (in Order of Appearance):

MRS. MCGEE Aldens new magical-esque, imperfect Nanny. (To be played by an Ethel Merman-like woman, or a man.)
NANNY The old nanny.
MARY NICH Aldens Mother.
GLENN NICH Aldens Father.
ALDEN NICH Our teenage main character.
CALPURNIA The Nich Familys African American maid.
MR. MCGEE Mrs. Mcgees husband.
ABBY (played by same actress as Calpurnia) A flower person
MUFFY MONEYMOOCH A big Connecticut social climber.
HISPANIC BYSTANDER A Hispanic bystander.
MR. BIGG The creator of the Magical Traveling Watch
JEANNE A female actress. Why the random character? Because all plays need a love interest.
POLICE OFFICER Police officer

Act 1

Scene 1.
The House on Cracker Cake Lane The Living Room

(MRS. MCGEE hovers above stage with her umbrella full of holes.)

MRS. MCGEE: Helloooo! Hellooooo! SHADDUP! I bet youre wondering who I am well, Im Mrs. Mcgee! But, youll hear more about me later in the show! Now, my dearies you are about to witness one of the most timeless stories One of parents that dont show love and a struggling teenager One of a certain magical nanny that helps them on the way One of plagiarism And one of intoxication, greed, comedy, love, and an extremely overweight Irish American lady all the things that scare young children out of their Halloween candy! Alright, lets start the show. (She laughs hysterically and flies away.)

(The NANNY enters, along with MARY.)

NANNY: Im leaving, Mrs. Nich! This time for good!

MARY: No! You cant leave! Im a working mother I cant take care of a child!

NANNY: Good bye, Maam!

(NANNY leaves.)

MARY: Glenn!

(GLENN enters, with a cigar.)

GLENN: Hello, dear. What is it?

MARY: Oh, Glenn Another nannys left. This is the sixth one in a row except for that one that died of a heart attack Our Alden must be a monster.

GLENN: Or he just wants our attention.

(Pause.)

BOTH: Naw.

MARY: What should we do about this? We cant just say that we love him! Its not the Connecticut way. Also, we live on the most prestigious road in the state Cracker Cake Lane! We have a reputation to keep up!

GLENN: Thats true.

BOTH: Hmmmm

(Lights up on ALDEN, in another room. It is revealed that he was listening to the conversation all along.)

ALDEN: Why cant my parents just understand that I want their attention? I just want them to show me they love me! Im a teenager All I want is attention!

MARY: Ah! This is more confusing than a Chinese laundry mat! What would a Davenport, Connecticut resident do under these conditions? (She uncovers a bottle of gin and takes a drink.) Thats better.

GLENN: Maybe we should give him a pony. (He randomly takes out a glass of wine from his jacket and sips.) That always worked back in my childhood days.

(ALDEN shakes his head.)

MARY: Yes. Good idea. It is easier to buy love.

GLENN: You know what they say money is worth a million words.

(ALDEN shakes his head.)

MARY: Or maybe we should send him to military school.

(ALDEN pounds loudly on the wall separating him from his parents.)

MARY: Dear, what was that?!

GLENN: Mary, it must have been one of those Connecticut earthquakes. I think I may have read about those somewhere.

MARY: (She drinks some more gin.) Quite. (Remembering something.)Well, you know, its our anniversary today.

GLENN: It is?

MARY: Yes. Happy anniversary!

GLENN: To you also.

(They awkwardly embrace. Pause.)

MARY: Anyway, were off subject. What should we do about this nanny problem?

GLENN: Yes! Right! Nanny! Sure! I shall put an advertisement in the Davenport Times. What do we want, dear?

(GLENN takes out a pad of paper and writes.)

MARY: We want a perfect nanny.

ALDEN: No we dont.

MARY: Yes, a perfect nanny that will show our son love without us getting involved! Got that, dear?

GLENN: Yes, Mary!

(ALDEN pounds on the wall again, loudly.)

GLENN: Second one today. The Goldbergs must be having one of the sacrilegious sance sinohgogoo things again.

MARY: Nannies dont just fall from the sky with an umbrella! Oh, how long will it be before we find the perfect nanny?

(Blackout. Everyone leaves.)

Scene 2.
The sky

(Lights up on MRS. MCGEE, who sits in her home in the sky. There is a big sign on her wall saying, "NANNY EVALUATION: The Imperfect Nanny." The "Im" is crossed out. A newspaper clipping is on the table. She powders her face, applies some rouge, lipstick, curls her hair into a neat beehivestyle bun, puts on her dress, shoes, glasses, and takes a rather big swig of vodka. She does this all in about 2 minutes. Then she descends into the sky with an umbrella full of holes. Then she falls, screaming, because she is fat.)

Scene 3.
The Patio

(ALDEN sits on the patio, sipping a glass of iced tea - long island style, contemplating something. A bird whistles.)

ALDEN: Hello little bird! Whats your name?

(He whistles to the bird. MRS. MCGEE falls into the tree next to him, yelling a profanity. This tree the same tree that the bird is perched in. The bird whistles again. It is grabbed by MRS. MCGEE. Feathers scatter.)

ALDEN: Gah! What was that?! It sounded like an exotic animal like a Mexican. But it sounded more Ugly and fat really ugly and fat. It cant be some sort of imperfect nanny, can it?

(MRS. MCGEE struggles out of the bushes. Alden looks startled.)

MRS. MCGEE: Helloooo! Are you of the Nich Family?

(ALDEN picks up a large stone.)

ALDEN: Y-Yes. Im Alden Nich. What are you here for?!

MRS. MCGEE: Well, kiddo, Im here to murder your family! (ALDEN looks very frightened.) Oh, Im just kidding, (She laughs hysterically.) Oh, I got a billion of em! Like the Chinese! Anywho, Im here for the new nanny position! My names Mrs. Mcgee! You look frightened, honey. Im not an Indian. I wont bite or use arrows.

ALDEN: How did you know a-about the nanny job?

MRS. MCGEE: Oh, I have my ways.

(GLENN and MARY fall on to stage, from nowhere. Theyve been drinking, obviously.)

MRS. MCGEE: Hellooooo!

(GLENN and MARY cling into action, immediately. MARY pretends to do housework.)

MARY: Im cleaning! Im a good housewife! Right!

GLENN: Quite, dear! Im going to work. Must bring home the bacon.

MRS. MCGEE: Dont worry, sir, maam. Im not with social services.

MARY: Oh! Yes! Yes! What are you here for Mrs?

MRS. MCGEE: Mcgee! Mrs. Patricia Mcgee! I am here for the new nanny position.

MARY: Yes, fine. What are your credentials?

MRS. MCGEE: Well, Ive brought up many children Including Um The Rajas son in India, J.P. Morgans children, Adolph Hit The list goes on! Every person I raise becomes just like me practically perfect.

(MARY and GLENN clap for her.)

MRS. MCGEE: Thank you! Thank you! One of the most prized possessions I picked up was this. (She brings out a golden pocket watch out of her alligator purse.) Isnt it a beauty? Given to me by the Dali Lama himself on my vacation to Tibet to see the Taj Mahal and the Eiffel Tower.

GLENN: May I see the pocket watch, Mrs. Mcgee?

MRS. MCGEE: Sure!

(She hands him the pocket watch.)

GLENN: Remarkable! I remember that exact pocket watch from my childhood. My old nanny used to hit me with it Hey! (Remembers something) You Mrs. Mcgee, you You must be! You used to be my old nanny. I know it!

ALDEN and MARY: Gasp!

MRS. MCGEE: Thats right, Glenn. It is so good to see you. I havent seen you since I dangled you out of a window and the lawsuits kicked in. And I see you have children of your own now. Youre all grown up.

GLENN: Then its settled. You shall be Aldens new nanny.

ALDEN: Father, I really think I dont need a nanny

GLENN: Of course you do! Mrs. Mcgee, Im sure youll be a great nanny for my son, Alden.

MARY: So nice to meet you, Mrs. Mcgee. Let me help you to your room.

MRS. MCGEE: Wait, Maam. I have to say something to Alden. ALDEN!

ALDEN: Yes, Mrs. Mcgee?

(MRS. MCGEE hugs ALDEN hardly, but lovingly.)

MRS. MCGEE: Oh, Alden, Im going to open doors for you! Ill show you my philosophy that great quote by Mame Life is a banquet and most poor countries are starving!

ALDEN: I really dont think thats correct

MRS. MCGEE: Of course it is! Lets go! As the Germans say, "Allons-y!"

(Led by Mrs. Mcgee, everyone exits.)

Scene 4.
The Dining Room

(ALDEN enters.)

ALDEN: I will show my parents I dont need a nanny. I will drive this Mrs. Mcgee out just like the other nannies. Rats, stones, bugs, pranks, Chinese food I know how to scare nannies away. She seems so different but I bet shes not! Here she comes.

(MRS. MCGEE enters in an outrageous gaudy outfit.)

ALDEN: Good morning Mrs. Mcgee. (Noticing the outfit.) What the heck is that?!

MRS. MCGEE: Good morning, Alden! This old thing? Oh, just something I picked up in the orient.

ALDEN: The says, MADE IN HOLLAND.

MRS. MCGEE: Isnt that Japanese for something?

(Pause.)

ALDEN: Mrs. Mcgee, I saved you a seat. Sit.

MRS. MCGEE: Oh, thank you, Alden. You know (She sits down to find a pine cone on the bottom of the chair.) A pine cone? Whats this doing here? (ALDEN waits for the response.) Well, thats good fortune for me. Martha Steward says these things make great soap for those boring jail yard days.

ALDEN: Hey, would you like a glass of water?

MRS. MCGEE: Sure. I am very thirsty. Whoever said gin was a good thirst quencher was dead wrong. (He hands her the glass. It is a dribble cup. It splatters all over her. ALDEN waits for the response.) I am so clumsy. Ah! This reminds me of my old Cabaret days. I scared away a lot of customers. I wonder why.

ALDEN (frustrated): Since this your first official day as Nanny, I got you these chocolates.

(He hands them to her.)

MRS. MCGEE: Thank you! That is so nice. Lifes like a box of chocolate full of different colors and flavors, as they say. (She opens the box to find it is full of maggots. ALDEN waits for the response) AHHHHH!! MAGGOTS!! And juicy, disgusting ones too. When I was in the Turkish prison, we only got rationed two of these a day. High in protein, you know and they eat the dead, rotting tissue! (She laughs hysterically. ALDEN looks baffled.) Good times.

(MARY and GLENN enter.)

GLENN: Good morning, Mrs. Mcgee.

MARY: Yes, good morning!

MRS. MCGEE: Good morning! Your Alden sure is a gentleman.

GLENN and MARY: He is?

MRS. MCGEE: Why, yes he is!

MARY: Wow Well, lets go have some breakfast, shall we? CALPURNIA!

(MARY, GLENN and ALDEN sit down with MRS. MCGEE. CALPURNIA enters.)

CALPURNIA: Hello, Mrs. Nich. What shall I bring for yall to eat? Oh! You got a new nanny, I see. Whats your name?

MRS. MCGEE: Mrs. Mcgee. Hey, dont I know you?

CALPURNIA: Huh?

MRS. MCGEE: Werent you on ROOTS?

(Pause. Then all but ALDEN laugh.)

CALPURNIA: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Mrs. Mcgee, you slay me! The racisms killing me and hopefully you!

MARY: Im sorry if Calpurnia seems a bit confusing, Mrs. Mcgee. Shes not from here. Where are you from again?

CALPURNIA: South Carolina.

(Pause. Then all but ALDEN laugh.)

MARY: Never heard of it but it sounds exotic! Anyway, Calpurnia, Lets have a light breakfast some lettuce and an egg and a bloody mary for me. I have the biggest hangover.

CALPURNIA: Yes, maam! (To herself.) I am the biggest stereotype.

(CALPURNIA exits.)

GLENN: Do you like Davenport, Connecticut, very much?

MRS. MCGEE: Yes, it is very nice and bland. What is there to do in a swingin town like this?

MARY: You could go to the park or um Go to the park!

GLENN: Top drawer idea, dear. Top drawer! Why dont you and Alden go to the park? Its a nice Connecticut day. The breeze is blowing, the sky is blue, everything is the right color and the way it should be

MRS. MCGEE: Alright!

ALDEN: But I dont want to.

MRS. MCGEE: ALDEN! WE ARE GOING AND THATS FINAL. WE ARE GOING TO THE

MARY: Park.

MRS. MCGEE: Oh yes, the park. In fact, we are going right now!

(MRS. MCGEE rises and leads ALDEN to a closet. They step inside. Blackout on MARY and GLENN, in the dining room.)

MRS. MCGEE: Well, here we are.

ALDEN: But this is a closet.

MRS. MCGEE: Wait, I forgot about something.

(She takes out her pocket watch and spins it. Random colors and etc. appear around them.)

ALDEN: Whats happening?!

MRS. MCGEE: Were going to the park! (She laughs hysterically.) Hang on tight!

BOTH: AHHHHHHHH!!

(Blackout. Everyone exits.)

Scene 5.
The Park

(ALDEN is asleep on the grass. What surrounds him is a park filled with statues, fountains, furniture, and etc. There is a big gold door near him. He wakes up.)

ALDEN: Where am I? I know what my parents feel like now. What happened? Did Mrs. Mcgee knock me out, drug me, and drag me here? I remember many colors and et cetera around me (He checks his arms for injection holes.) Well, she didnt use heroin. Could this be real?

(MRS. MCGEE enters.)

MRS. MCGEE: Helloooooo, dear! I see youre awake now.

ALDEN: Where are we?

MRS. MCGEE: The park! This is a special park too. My husband lives here.

ALDEN: What are you talking about? How can your husband live in the park. Is he homeless?

MRS. MCGEE: Why dont you ask him for yourself? Tooooooooooooom!

MR. MCGEE (Offstage): What is it, honey?

MRS. MCGEE: Come out, dear. We have company.

MR. MCGEE: Okay.

(MR. MCGEE enters.)

MRS. MCGEE: This is my husband, Thomas Mcgee. Tom, this is Alden Nich. Say, hello, TOM!

MR. MCGEE: Hello, sonny - Alden. (He chuckes.) So Patty is your new nanny, huh? Im sure she takes good care of you. Just in case, take this rather large rock to protect yourself. Sit down. Make yourself at home.

(They all sit down on chairs.)

ALDEN: Gee, thanks So, what do you do, Mr. Mcgee If you live in a park.

MR. MCGEE: Well, I was a doctor. But you see, I didnt like being a doctor seeing all those patients and making all that money but its what Patty wanted me to do. What Ive really always dreamed of, was becoming a fisherman. A humble fisherman. (He sighs.) I got so fed up with doctor life, I fled to this park. Now, it is a special park.

ALDEN: It looks normal to me.

MR. MCGEE: How would you like some tea, Alden, my boy?

ALDEN: Sure.

MR. MCGEE: Abby!

(ABBY, a purple flower person, enters. She resembles CALPURNIA.)

ABBY: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Mcgee. How yall doing? I see you got a new kid. Whered you steal him from?

MRS. MCGEE: Im his nanny, Abby. And why would I steal a child? I am a very responsible person!

(ALL, but ALDEN laugh.)

ABBY: Just dont get the social worker involved this time. Anyway, what do yall want?

MR. MCGEE: Tea, Abby.

ABBY: Like the letter?

MR. MCGEE: Dont be smart with me, girl! Flower people dont have the right to read. You know that.

ABBY: Thats right. Thats right. Ill get it right away. And Ill put the Jack Daniels in your cup, Mrs. Mcgee.

MRS. MCGEE: You know me well!

(ABBY exits.)

MR. MCGEE: Sorry about that, Alden, my boy. Some people dont know their place.

ALDEN: What was that lady with the petals?

MR. MCGEE: Oh! (He chuckles.) Abby is a flower person. She is the dominant race of this park. Obviously, flower people are below us what with their colors and all! You see, Colors like them are bad, KEVIN! BAAAAD!! When I came to this park, I was full of knowledge from medical school and the doctoring business, so naturally these colored folks bowed down to me making me their master oh, and they danced DANCED WITH GLEE! Its because they cant think like us. Theyre dumb. Due to this, I forbid them to learn how to read and write. If its theres thing I learned in medical school, Kevin, it is that keeping people ignorant is easiest way to keep control over people. Get it, Kevin? (He chuckles.)

ALDEN: My names not Kevin. Its Alden. Remember?

MR. MCGEE: Oh, yes. (He chuckles.) Thats right, Alden, my boy.

ALDEN: I noticed that big door over there. I was wondering what that was. Could you tell me, Doctor?

MR. MCGEE: KEVIN! DONT ASK SUCH THINGS! Asking is bad! BAD, I say!! You know, life is a battle. The best way to unify people in this life-battle is to put them against something! That door is evil, Kevin. Dont go near the door, Kevin! Its BAD, KEVIN!! Youll die if you go near it! Then well all dance DANCE WITH GLEE!! (He chuckles.) Get it, Kevin?

ALDEN: Okaaaayyy Sure. Why not. (To himself) Is everyone in Mrs. Mcgees family freaking insane?!

MR. MCGEE: What was that?

ALDEN: Oh, nothing.

MR. MCGEE: Oh Quite... (To himself) Note to self kill the kid.

ALDEN: What was that?

MR. MCGEE: Oh, nothing.

ALDEN: Well, Mrs. Mcgee Mr. Mcgee Im going to go take a walk.

MRS. MCGEE: Good Idea! I can have a little drink while youre gone. I dont drink much, you know. ABBY!!

(ALDEN Walks off near the door. MRS. MCGEE and MR. MCGEE exit. ABBY enters, dancing with glee.)

ABBY: Hey, Master Alden! Watch me dance for you!

ALDEN: Thats okay. I wanted to know, what is behind this door?

ABBY: Thats an evil door, Master Alden. Itll eat your family and Master Mcgee will dance for some reason.

ALDEN: You remind me of someone back home, Abby.

ABBY: Really?

ALDEN: Yes You remind me of someone my family and I should treat better Anyway, lets open this door.

ABBY: NOOOOOOO!!

(ALDEN opens the door. He sees brown flower people working on a big farm. ABBY runs away.)

ALDEN: I wonder what all these flower people are doing working on a farm. Theyre all brown colored, too. Theyre like like like indentured servants. A bunch of brown indentured servants working on a big farm Hmmmm Im pretty sure this should remind me of something But Im not entirely sure what.

(MR. MCGEE enters with a gun.)

MR. MCGEE: Bad, Kevin! VERY BAD! Looking at Mr. Mcgees insane and potentially illegal indentured servant farm is bad, Kevin. (He chuckles.) YOU DIDNT REMEMBER MY WARNING ABOUT ASKING QUESTIONS! Now youll have to die!!

ALDEN: But why do all this?

MR. MCGEE: Why not? These people are below me. I have all the reason and right to do this. Its mostly because I wanted to become a fisherman and didnt get to, so I fled to this park, seizing power wherever I could get it out of rage. Because I didnt get to fisherman, I do this! I need the money. Im not a doctor, anymore. If theres one thing I learned in medical school, it is that taking over mass amounts of land and enslaving the people is not wrong under the right circumstances, Kevin!

ALDEN: You learned that in medical school?

MR. MCGEE: Yes! AND BECAUSE I CANT BECOME A FISHERMAN, YOULL HAVE TO DIE, KEVIN! DIIIEEEEE

(MRS. MCGEE interrupts him, by hitting him with a random boot. He passes out.)

MRS. MCGEE: Looks like Mr. Mcgees gone insane again. Time to go! I believe thats what they said to the Japanese-Americans in 1944 (She laughs hysterically.) Well, time to go. Hold on!

(She takes out the pocket watch and spins it. Lights sputter everywhere. Blackout. Everyone exits.)

Scene 6.
Aldens bedroom, later that night

(ALDEN is in bed, pondering something. MRS. MCGEE enters.)

ALDEN: Mrs. Mcgee

MRS. MCGEE: Alden Im sorry about the park. Sometimes my husband gets a little crazy. Well, so do I! (She laughs.) But the point is, my husband is wrong. He thinks that power and ignorance is the key to success, but he is wrong. What really matters is love and your family and friends. Also, being ignorant is wrong. You must find out all you can, like me! My husband thinks ignorance is bliss, but its wrong to forget about everything outside for the sake of being ignorant Dont ever be ignorant.

ALDEN: (surprised by her profound words.) Thank you, Mrs. Mcgee.

MRS. MCGEE: At least me and you arent ignorant, huh, kiddo? (She laughs hysterically.) Hey look out the window! (She rushes to the window.) Its a janitor! And hes got his hommies with him! Hey, dawg! Im hissen to the shissen, till ya just cant stop the drop, yo! Represent!

(She laughs hysterically, pounding on her chest, trying to imitate the janitor. A shattering window is heard. Blackout.)

Scene 7.
The Kitchen

(MARY and GLENN enter. MARY is in an apron. It seems as if shes been through some great ordeal, judging by the dirt on her apron.)

MARY: Glenn! Come quick! Look! Look what Ive done!

(GLENN grasps the phone.)

GLENN: Im calling 911 as we speak, dear.

MARY: No! Its nothing bad. (She takes out a tray of cinnamon buns.)

GLENN: My goodness. Look at the sweet crusty outside and just smell that wonderful essence. And the icing is just perfect. Where did you these? They must have cost a lot much more than those Mc Donalds ones you usually get.

MARY: No, I made these.

(GLENN laughs. Then stops, seeing MARY is not laughing.)

GLENN: Oh! Y-Youre serious. Well, this a momentous occasion. You havent made or baked something since Since you made those mashed potatoes when Alden was baby. So much surgery! So many bills So many social workers

MARY: Well, the only thing left to do is try them.

(Pause.)

MARY: Yes, try them. There are a lot.

GLENN: You are the chef. They do look scrumptious (to himself) So did the mashed potatoes (To her.) I think you should try them first.

(MARY takes a bite of one and her eyes buldge. GLENN grasps the phone.)

MARY: GLENN!

GLENN: Im calling 911 as we speak, dear.

MARY: No! No! No! These These arent bad.

(GLENN tries one. Then he gobbles it down.)

GLENN: My, my, Mary. These are pretty good actually.

MARY: I know. Who knew I could to things like this. You know, I never was able to do things like this before

(Pause.)

MARY: Before that Mrs. Mcgee person came into our lives. And ever since then, Alden has been such a good boy. No more rap music no more sass no more hormone-driven terror threats

GLENN: I know. I dont much about my childhood, but I do remember that, Mrs. Mcgee has that effect on people.

MARY: And shes so nice and kind and not offensive at all.

(MRS. MCGEE enters, with a black face.)

MARY: Ahhhh! A criminal!

GLENN: Ill get the pepper spray, Mary. You get the prescription drugs.

(MRS. MCGEE laughs.)

MRS. MCGEE: Dont worry. Im not a criminal. Id bring my leaf blower with if I was. Its me, Mrs. Mcgee!

GLENN: I didnt recognize you. Why is your face?

MRS. MCGEE: I was using the hair dryer, and I set it up to the max and it blew up. I havent the foggiest why. By the way, how many plugs are you supposed the plug in at the same time? Wait, no time for chat. I have to teach Alden how to play Monopoly. First, we need those little wooden letter blocks and a die. Anyhoo, have a nice day.

(MRS. MCGEE exits. GLENN kisses MARY.)

MARY: Glenn! This is the first time youve done anything with me since

GLENN: I dont what came over me.

MARY: This reminds me of when we first met. Remember?

GLENN: Of course, dear. We first met at Club Blanc You were the most lovely, girl there So clean, so white so utterly bland

MARY So were you!

GLENN: Well, I try.

MARY: I have a racy thought! Why dont we go to the bedroom to

GLENN: Do something dirty?

MARY: Yes, Glenn

GLENN: Lets the re-arrange the furniture!

MARY: YES! QUITE! I havent in love this much since that doll in Southbury!

(MARY jumps in his arms. They exit.)

Scene 8.
A Garden Party at The House on Cracker Cake Lane

(MRS. MCGEE, ALDEN, MARY, GLENN, and CALPURNIA enter.)

MARY: ALDEN! This garden party means a lot to us. So, act on your best behavior. I dont want any mishaps! This isnt one of those hip-hop parties. We dont associate with those kinds of people! Right, dear?

(GLENN is sitting on a chair smoking a cigar.)

MARY: GLENN!

GLENN: Yes, quite right.

MARY: Let me remind you that we live one the most prestigious road in Davenport Cracker Cake Lane! We have a reputation to keep up! And also, I would like a spot on the board of the Connecticut Country Club CALPURNIA!

CALPURNIA: Yes?

MARY: Serve people with a smile and grace unlike youve been doing.

CALPURNIA: Course, maam!

MARY: No, no. Its Of course, Miss Mary.

CALPURNIA: Yes, Miss Mary.

MARY: Good. And what do we call Glenn?

CALPURNIA: Mr. Nich?

MARY: No, no. Its Master Glenn. Now, repeat!

CALPURNIA (annoyed): Master Glenn

MARY: Spendid, Calpurnia! There might be use for you, yet! Who knows, we might take you out to dinner, later.

CALPURNIA: Oh, thank you, Miss Mary! Ive always wanted to try that French bistro

MARY: Your favorite restaurant is KFC, right?

(CALPURNIA tries to answer, but is cut off.)

MARY: What am I thinking? Of course it is! Oh, and Mrs. Mcgee

MRS. MCGEE: Reporting for duty!

MARY: Um I was wondering if youd like the day off.

MRS. MCGEE: But, I was going to show Alden how to work the crowd Wait I know whats the matter

MARY: Thank you for understanding.

MRS. MCGEE: You think that Ill be too cultured for these Davenport Connecticut people. I fully get that, maam! Ill be at the spa, if you want me. Ill get that cute Puerto Rican guy to massage me. We has that great accent. He tries to shout out Focus! but yells, Fucus! Fucus! Fucus! It is truly orgasmatic!

(She sighs and exits.)

MARY: Im nervous, honey!

GLENN: Yes, quite right.

(MARY faints. MUFFY and the PARTY GUESTS enter. ALDEN, GLENN, and CALPURNIA dont notice them.)

CALPURNIA: Ahhh! Get the Jack Daniels!

(ALDEN grabs the bottle of Jack Daniels and hands it to CALPURNIA.)

CALPURNIA: Its alright, baby doll! Here you go!

(She takes out a funnel and puts it in MARYs mouth and pours the Jack Daniels into the funnel. Mary coughs and awakens.)

MARY: That was rough. Thank goodness the party guests and that Muffy Moneymooch didnt see this!

MUFFY: Nice to see youre keeping your tan up. Odd way of sun bathing, though.

MARY (Quickly getting up): Oh, Muffy! So good to see you. Kiss, kiss. How have you been?

MUFFY: Fine, fine but it isnt easy being one of the famous Newport Moneymooches. Sometimes I have to get up at two pm! I mean, I dont have to pick up my children, but parents must make sacrifices.

(Everyone claps.)

MARY: I know! I know! Sometimes I have to microwave a meal when my maid is out.

(Pause. Everyone claps awkwardly.)

MUFFY: Dont you have a cook?

MARY: Yes! I have nine!

ALDEN: Hi, maam!

MUFFY: You must be little Alden Nich. I have heard great things about you.

ALDEN: Thank you. I just won the battle of the bands competition at my school. I play guitar.

MARY (whispering to ALDEN): ALDEN!! This is Muffy Moneymooch, the biggest social climber in all the land! All of Connecticut, that is. Dont freaking ruin this for me!! (to MUFFY.) What he means is that he is a concert pianist, RIGHT, ALDEN?!

ALDEN: Yes.

MUFFY: And such good manners. There must be good breeding in your background.

(A faint Hellooooo is heard offstage.)

MUFFY: Whats that?

MARY: Nothing.

(Another faint, yet louder Helloooo is heard offstage.)

MUFFY: There it is again As if a fat Irish American woman no, an elephant is approaching!

(MRS. MCGEE enters in a flashy, sequin gown.)

MRS. MCGEE: Oh, Hellooooo!

MUFFY: Who What is that?

MARY: Our Nanny Mrs. Mcgee

MUFFY: Hello yourself Mrs. Mcgee. Do you know who I am?

MRS. MCGEE: Do I?! No.

MUFFY: Muffy Moneymooch of the Newport Moneymooches.

MRS. MCGEE: Whatever!

(Pause. Then MUFFY laughs.)

MUFFY: Youre funny, Mrs. Mcgee! Whatever! Ha!

(The other Party Guests laugh also. CALPURNIA approaches MUFFY with a tray of wine glasses.)

CALPURNIA: Wine, Miss Moneymooch?

MUFFY: I dont mind if I do. (she spills it on herself.) Clumsy oaf! Look what you made me do!

(CALPURNIA exits quietly.)

ALDEN: Here, let me clean you up.

(He blots her dress with a towel. There is a big whole where the wine stain was.)

ALDEN: That cant be good.

MUFFY and MARY: WHAT DID YOU DO?!

ALDEN: This must have been my science fair towel WITH THE ACID ON IT! Oh, CRAP!

MUFFY: This suit is from France. It is worth more than your life in cold, stinky money. My God! I thought this was a respectable home. I see it is not. Good-bye!

MARY: NO! DONT GO!! ALDEN!! Looks whats happened! Its all your fault. I I dont want you as my son anymore. I never cared about you, ever!

MUFFY: You tell him, sister! Thats what I told my son in my will!

MARY: You are a digrace! A BLOODY DISGRACE!! I DONT LOVE YOU!!!

MRS. MCGEE: Well this is awkward Dont worry, Alden, Ill get us out of this, with my trusty magical pocket watch!

(She takes it out of her bag. Then she accidentally drops it, then steps on it, breaking it. Lights splutter everywhere.)

MRS. MCGEE: Oh no.

ALDEN: What is going to happen?

MRS. MCGEE: I dont know, but hold on, tight.

(MRS. MCGEE and ALDEN disappear in a flash of light.)

GLENN (Noticing the situation): What happened?

MARY: I dont know

GLENN: Alden and Mrs. Mcgee are gone She must have kidnapped him.

MARY: We just saw them vanish. Lets not jump to conclusions.

GLENN: I knew this would happen! Mrs. Mcgee must have kidnapped our son! With Drugs!! And Candy!!

BOTH: We have to find him.

MARY: DRUGS?! CANDY?! I dont like the sound of that! They could be anywhere Probably somewhere evil and dark and black.

BOTH: HARLEM!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

MUFFY: Good riddance to bad blood. Youll never see that rude boy again.

MARY: We have to go after him to wherever he is.

MUFFY: Wait, Mary Nich. I think youre making a big mistake. Which is more important? Youre social life or your kid? If you leave now, you can kiss your spot on the board of the Connecticut Country Club good-bye. And Judging by my money and power, I think youll pick the right choice.

MARY: Alden is more important, you cheap, social climbing hussy! I never liked you. I shouldnt have gotten mad at the boy

(MARY and GLENN run off.)

MUFFY: But I I have so much money and all you have is a rotten kid Youll regret it, someday! SOMEDAAAAAYY!! Hmmph!

(MUFFY and the PARTY GUESTS exit. CALPURNIA re-enters.)

CALPURNIA (to the audience): Hello audience! I bet your thinking to yourself, just about now, that Oh God! This is one of those plays where they talk to the audience! Well, it is now. Just for the record, this is the end of act one. Enjoy intermission, and be back for act two. Bye, bye for now!

(She exits. Curtain.)

Act 2

Scene 1.
Somewhere in The Big City

(MARY, GLENN and CALPURNIA enter in immigrant-style clothes.)

MARY: So, weve concluded that she must have taken Alden somewhere in the Big City.

GLENN: Luckily, we had these immigrant-chic clothes. And they are so gaudy. Now well blend in for sure!

CALPURNIA (To herself): Last time I lend them my clothes! Try buying clothes with a maids salary

MARY: I assume you know your way around this place, Calpurnia. Show us where a kidnapping nanny would go in the Big City.

CALPURNIA: Maam, I have never been to the Big City. I dont know my way around. That is a mean, mean assumption.

(A HISPANIC BYSTANDER enters.)

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if you knew where I could find this address.

CALPURNIA: Sure. If you take the R or W train to prince, then just keep walking straight until you hit spring.

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Thank you.

(BYSTANDER exits.)

CALPURNIA: Dont give me that look! I know what yall are thinking!

MARY: And you were saying?

CALPURNIA: Nevermind. Lets check the subways. This way.

(They all exit. At that same moment that they leave, a HISPANIC BYSTANDER, MRS. MCGEE and ALDEN enter. A HISPANIC BYSTANDER waves around a coffee cup.)

ALDEN: So, we ended up in the Big City?

MRS. MCGEE: Yes. Apparently. The Big City is the biggest city in the whole state. Aptly called the Big City. This is where they make those pocket watches.

ALDEN: Good. Then we can get back home.

MRS. MCGEE: Dont worry, Alden. Until then, we can rough it! I have street smarts. I was born in New York!

ALDEN: Really?

MRS. MCGEE: I think so. Isnt New York the place with the Golden Gate Bridge and the Texas Book Depository?

(Pause.)

MRS. MCGEE: Anywho, lets take a look around. At least we have each other.

ALDEN: What is it?

MRS. MCGEE: Theres a homeless man. (She laughs.) I better give him some cash.

ALDEN: Thats very admirable of you.

(She places a couple coins in the HISPANIC BYSTANDERS cup.)

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Hey, what are you doing?!

MRS. MCGEE: Just helping a fellow human being, is all!

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: What are you trying to say?

MRS. MCGEE: Well, (She laughs) youre homeless, arent you, my Latin brother?

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Im not homeless! I was shaking this coffee cup because it was hot, you stupid vato!!

MRS. MCGEE: Oh Well, theres only one thing to do now.

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: What could that possibly be?

MRS. MCGEE: Scream!

ALDEN and MRS. MCGEE: AAAHHHHHHH!!!

(They are chased by the HISPANIC BYSTANDER.)

MRS. MCGEE: Oh, help! Caucasians in trouble! Hes living la vita loca, too!!

ALDEN: Hey, Mrs. Mcgee, do you know where the magic watch shop is?

MRS. MCGEE: Sure.

ALDEN: We better get going, then.

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Ill kill you!!

(ALDEN and MRS. MCGEE are chased off by the HISPANIC BYSTANDER.)

Scene 2.
Mr. Biggs Theatre

(MR. BIGG enters. He gives orders to his actors.)

MR. BIGG: From the top! No, no! Thats just awful! What are you all, actors or rappers? Ah take five.

(MRS. MCGEE and ALDEN enter.)

MRS. MCGEE: Hellooooooo! Anyone here?

MR. BIGG: Yes, yes. What is it? Were really busy! (Noticing MRS. MCGEE.) Mrs. Mcgee? Is that you?

MRS. MCGEE: Mr. Bigg, why yes it is!

MR. BIGG: I havent seen you since you broke that magical watch and left that kid here to starve.

(MRS. MCGEE laughs hysterically)

MRS. MCGEE: Wait Changing the subject Mr. Bigg, we need you to make a new magical watch.

MR. BIGG: Yes, yes. I invented this watch. The Magical Traveling Watch. It didnt catch on very well. But, unfortunately, we arent a watch company anymore, Mrs. Mcgee. There isnt any money in that business. Were a theatre company now!

MRS. MCGEE: Can ya make a new one or not?

MR. BIGG: Sure. It might take a while, though.

MRS. MCGEE: Why is that?

MR. BIGG: Were trying to put on this show, but there arent any good actors here in the Big City.

MRS. MCGEE: What if I told you I knew two of the greatest actors in the whole world? Then could you fix this watch?

MR. BIGG: Yes, but from your tone, it seems as if there is a catch.

MRS. MCGEE: Alden here, and I are the great actors! Well star in your show!

MR. BIGG: Are you crazy?

MRS. MCGEE: Probably! (She laughs.) Crazy like a fox!

MR. BIGG: Okay, but if this doesnt work, Im done for!

ALDEN: Mrs. Mcgee, I am not an actor. I am from Davenport. Its different there!

MRS. MCGEE: Alden! Nothing in life is free. I think I learned that in my Cabaret days!

ALDEN: Im a teenager. I dont act. All I care about is girls.

MR. BIGG: Conveniently, here is one of the best actresses in the company Jeanne!

(JEANNE, a pretty girl, enters.)

JEANNE: Hello, my name is Jeanne.

MR. BIGG: These are the two stars of the show. Mrs. Mcgee and Alden.

MRS. MCGEE: HELLOOOOO!! My, my, dear! Youre prettier than Latoya Jackson! And half the tone!

JEANNE: Thank you? And hello Alden.

ALDEN (stunned): Hello.

MRS. MCGEE: Well, lets get started! As Thomas Jefferson said, Theres No Business Like Show Business!

(They all leave.)

Scene 3.
Mr. Biggs Theatre

(MRS. MCGEE, ALDEN, and JEANNE enter. They rehearse.)

ALDEN (reading from a sheet): You sure are special. Whats your secret, Mrs. Mcgee?

MRS. MCGEE: Im sorry. Could you repeat that, dear? I was not paying attention.

ALDEN(reading from a sheet): You sure are special. Whats your secret, Mrs. Mcgee?

MRS. MCGEE: Well, I add mud to my face, first. It gives you great silky skin. I bought it at a bait store. Lots of yummy gummy worms in it! Then I eat four raw eggs and

ALDEN: You didnt practice at all, did you!?

MRS. MCGEE: Well, I have to get my beauty sleep, Alden. I dont just get this way overnight, like rappers!

ALDEN: Im sick of you!

JEANNE: Alden! Dont be so mean to your nanny.

ALDEN: Why cant I?

JEANNE: Shes only trying to help.

MRS. MCGEE: Thats right Jeanne. All I do is help. Help, help, help. Like one time I helped my grand daughter out with her little twitch and let me tell ya, it was annoying as hell! So, I just slap her and she stops. (She laughs.) Then I say, thisll be our little secret! (She laughs hysterically and is cut off by ALDEN.)

ALDEN: All youve done is get us into trouble! And now we will never get to got home.

MRS. MCGEE: Alden, honey, Im sorry. Want to take it from the top?

ALDEN: No! Jeanne, why dont we practice outside?

MRS. MCGEE: Hey, dont treat me this way. Dont make me make you take this here medicine!

(She takes out a bottle.)

ALDEN: That says RUM PUNCH.

MRS. MCGEE: Oh, so it does.

ALDEN: Always making jokes ITS YOUR FAULT MY PARENTS HATE ME! ITS YOUR FAULT FOR EVERYTHING!!

MRS. MCGEE: Youre right. This is all my fault. I am not trying to get you to see that your parents love you by stranding you out here because they will surely look for you frantically No, not in any way at all.

ALDEN: Huh?

MRS. MCGEE: Alden, as your nanny, I do care and love you so much.

ALDEN: I hate you, Mrs. Mcgee!

(ALDEN grabs JEANNE and storms away.)

MRS. MCGEE: Oh, Alden I do love you so. And you love me So very much You just dont know it yet! Ha, ha!

Scene 4.
Outside Mr. Biggs Theatre

(MARY, GLENN, and CALPURNIA enter.)

MARY: And why do you think that Alden would be in this theatre?

CALPURNIA: I just sense it. Why not ask the old man river?

MARY: What?

CALPURNIA: Nothing.

GLENN: I feel so out of home here, in the Big City. There are so many strange and foreign animals.

CALPURNIA: Like what?

GLENN: For instance, Harlem and Chinatown are like zoos! And there are Sina-g-goos everywhere!

(He takes out a flask and takes a swig.)

MARY: Been searching for Alden and Mrs. Mcgee for weeks! Oh, How I miss our Alden.

GLENN: Me too. But well search as long as it takes.

MARY: Glenn, the shows about to begin!

(They exit. Conveniently, ALDEN and JEANNE enter, talking.)

ALDEN: And thats why my parents probably arent even searching for me. Well, Jeanne. Its opening night.

JEANNE: So it is

ALDEN: Its been three days. Do you think I was too hard on Mrs. Mcgee?

JEANNE: Thats hard to answer.

ALDEN: I know, but she is the best nanny Ive ever had. Ive never met anyone like her. You know, she has her own special magic about her a crude magic, though A drunken magic, though In fact, she can drink and drink and drink and never get drunk.

JEANNE: That is magical!

ALDEN: Actually, its more of, she acts drunk all the time But, also, she eats and eats, but never expands more. But she also claims to diet But she never loses any either. Should I make up with her? What will come from this whole experience, Jeanne?

JEANNE: Let me put it this way, things will work themselves out. They always do.

ALDEN: Thank you for that. It makes me feel much better.

JEANNE: Youre welcome.

ALDEN: Also I I have something to tell you.

JEANNE: What is it, Alden?

ALDEN: I like you.

JEANNE: I do too. Youve always been a good friend to me. Even though Ive only known you for a short time.

ALDEN: Not in that way. I mean, I really like you

JEANNE: Like love?

ALDEN: Yes.

JEANNE: I think I do too. Ive never been in love before.

ALDEN: Me either.

(ALDEN turns to kiss JEANNE, but she stops him.)

JEANNE: Wait.

ALDEN: Why?

JEANNE: Once you find out about me, you wont like me anymore.

ALDEN: Why not?

JEANNE: Because I wasnt born a girl!

ALDEN: That means youre a a

JEANNE: Yes.

ALDEN: Um

JEANNE: I understand. I mean, thats why Ill never have someone to love

ALDEN: It doesnt matter to me.

JEANNE: Oh, Alden!

ALDEN: Man, if this was a play, then the plot would be really muddled by now.

(They kiss. HISPANIC BYSTANDER enters. He takes out a gun and points it at ALDEN and JEANNE.)

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Hello! Do you remember me?

ALDEN: Yes, of course. Do you need some money? Homeless people shou

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Dios Mio! Im the guy that chased you out of Act two, Scene one!

ALDEN: Oh, crud.

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Well, unless you show me the fat one, you and your girlfriend die!

MRS. MCGEE (Offstage): Not so fast, hombre!

(A shadow appears above.)

ALDEN: Its a bird!

JEANNE: Its a plane!

HISPANIC BYSTANDER: Its so so obese and repulsive like my stereotypical accent.

(MRS. MCGEE crashes with her umbrella full of holes.)

MRS. MCGEE: Nobody harasses my children! Not even a homeless person! Judo Chop!! (She judo chops him. He faints.)

ALDEN: MRS. MCGEE?!

MRS. MCGEE: Yes, well, lets get on stage. Its almost time to go on!

ALDEN: Im so sorry abou

MRS. MCGEE: Shaddup, kid! WE DONT HAVE TIME! It is time to go on! (She laughs hysterically)

(They exit, led by Mrs. Mcgee.)

Scene 5.
Mr. Biggs Theatre

(Lights up. A drum roll is heard.)

ANNOUNCER: Presenting That five foot ten bundle of insanity You guessed it MRS. MCGEE!!

(MRS. MCGEE enters in a flapper outfit.)

MRS. MCGEE: Helloooo, boys! Hit it! (She sings.)
Let me entertain you,
Let me make you smile,
I will try some old tricks,
I couldnt do a back-flip,
Im not that versatile,

And if youre real sad,
Ill make you feel bad,
Ill make you cough up bile!

Oh, let me entertain you,
And well have a real good time, yes sir
And well have a real good time

Let me entertain you,
Watch me try to dance,
I could turn my back, son,
Or maybe Michael Jackson,
Dont kick me in the pants,

And if Im real drunk,
Ill make your brain thunk,
That I am a dirty whore,

Oh, let me entertain you,
And well have a real good time, yes sir
And well have a real good time
(The AUDIENCE claps out of habit. ALDEN and JEANNE enter.)

ALDEN: Gee, Mrs. Mcgee, you sure are glamorous. How do you do it?

MCGEE: I just use a little Mascara here and there.

JEANNE: Golly! And youre just so special!

MCGEE: Not everyone can be like me! Im the one! (She sings.)
One big inoculation, every single drink I take,
One giant revelation, every note that I make,
Some life, this show business stuff is a lot to do,
I know Ill never have money cause I got sued!

One moment in my presence and you can forget the rest,
Other girls are second best to me, hee,

ALDEN and JEANNE:
Ohhh! Sigh! Give her all attention!

MRS. MCGEE:
Im the broken, drunk confection Im the one!

I walk into a bar and I find that Im,
Singing a tune strangly unique,
Stingy and gaudy and ugly and Eeek!
I walk into a room and you know by my,

ALDEN and JEANNE:
Maddening voice, ugly red hair,
All ya do is stare,
On her,

MRS MCGEE:
Cant help if I dont have honor,
Loaded with charisma is ma,
Insanely, obesely, dying, liver,
You walk into a bar and you find you should,
Stop my bad song, get a headache,
Im the bonne chanteuse thats makin the grade!
This is what I call living!

Ill strut my stuff!
Can't get enough!
Of me! Love me!
Youre a sun of a gun
I am one of a kind!

One big inoculation, every single drink I take,
One giant revelation, every note that I make,
Some life, this show business stuff is a lot to do,
I know Ill never have money cause I got sued!

One moment in my presence and you can forget the rest,
Other girls are second best to me, hee,
Ohhh! Sigh! Give her all attention!
Im the broken, drunk confection Im the one!

ALDEN and JEANNE:
She walks into a bar and she finds that shes,
Singing a tune strangely unique,
Stingy and gaudy and ugly and Eeek!
Shes walk into a room and you know by her,
Maddening voice, ugly red hair,
All ya do is stare
On her,

Cant help if she doesnt have honor,
Loaded with charisma is her,
Insanely, obesely, dying, liver,
You walk into a bar and you find you should,
Stop her bad song, get a headache,
Shes the bonne chanteuse thats makin the grade!
This is what she calls living!

Shell strut her stuff!
Can't get enough!
Of her! Love her!
Youre a sun of a gun,
She is one of a kind!

(The AUDIENCE claps. Curtain.)

Scene 6.
The Cast Party

(MR. BIGG, MRS. MCGEE, ALDEN and JEANNE enter.)

MR. BIGG: Congratulations, people! Were a hit!

ALL: HOORAY! YAY! ETC. (Adlib)

MR. BIGG: Weve even got offers for Off-Off Broadway! Its all because of this one lady, here. Mrs. Mcgee!

MRS. MCGEE: Thank you! Thank you! No applause. Please.

(No one claps.)

MRS. MCGEE: Okay Now!

(Everyone claps.)

MRS. MCGEE: Thank you!

MR. BIGG: And she did it without any magical Nanny powers or anything!

MRS. MCGEE: Right

MR. BIGG: As promised, here is your new watch.

(He hands her the watch.)

MRS. MCGEE: Thank you. Alden, now we can go home. (Alden looks away.) Alden, whats wrong?

ALDEN: Whats the point? My parents probably didnt even notice.

(MARY, GLENN, and CALPURNIA runs in.)

ALDEN: Mother? Father? Calpurnia?

MARY: Weve been searching all over for you!

GLENN: Yes we have. And we saw your performance. I think youve finally found something your good at.

ALDEN: Thank you. I never knew I could act.

MARY: Weve been just so worried about you, Alan!

ALDEN: Alden, mom.

MARY: Right Alden.

(JEANNE comes close to ALDEN.)

ALDEN: Oh, Mother, Father, this is Jeanne my new bo girlfriend.

MARY: Well, arent you pretty. And yet somewhat masculine

JEANNE: Thank you maam. Its nice meeting you.

(MR. MCGEE enters.)

MRS. MCGEE: TOOOOM!

MR. MCGEE: Hello, Pat.

ALDEN: What brings you here, Mr. Mcgee?

MR. MCGEE: (He chuckles.) Ive come looking for Pat because Im ready to move back in with her. The government shut me and my park down. (He chuckles.) Apparently what I was doing was unconstitutional. Oh, well. Maybe I should become a lawyer. Its the same thing as what I was doing before.

MRS. MCGEE: Whats a constitution?

MR. MCGEE: Ill explain it to you later.

(He leaves.)

MARY: Oh, god, Alden! We just love you so much!

GLENN: Yes we do!

(They embrace. MRS. MCGEE, seeing this, sighs and gets her bag and umbrella.)

MRS. MCGEE: I think its about time to go. Goodbye, all!

ALDEN: Youre leaving?

MRS. MCGEE: Yes

ALDEN: Before you leave, Id like to say Im sorry for what I said before

MRS. MCGEE: Its okay.

ALDEN: Please dont go. Youve been the best nanny Ive had.

MRS. MCGEE: I must. Other families need me! You see, when I fist came here, I was looking for something a happy family. I think Ive found it. Now, away I go!

(She takes out her umbrella from her alligator bag. Then she opens it and flies away, waving.)

ALL: Goodbye! Well Never forget you!

(A POLICE OFFICER enters.)

POLICE OFFICER: Hello, people. Sorry to break up the party, but Im looking for a certain international terrorist. I heard she was playing here. Her names Mrs. Patricia Mcgee. Ring a bell?

(Everyone looks at each other with confusion.)

ALDEN: That would explain a lot. No, sir I have not seen her.

POLICE OFFICER: Oh. Okay, then. Off to the pub, I guess.

(The POLICE OFFICER exits. They pause for a moment.)

ALDEN: That was strange and potentially irrelevant

MARY: Changing the subject Alden, we never knew how much we cared about you until you left. Ive been thinking Glenn, I we could do without a nanny for now, dont you think?

GLENN: Yes, dear. We could spend more time with you, Alden.

MARY: Is that alright?

ALDEN: YES!! DEFINITELY!!!

MARY: Then its settled.

ALL: HOORAY! YAY! ETC. (adlib)

(JEANNE and ALDEN kiss. MARY and GLENN kiss also.)

MR. BIGG: My, one could make a play or a movie about these events but using slightly different names and actions. Oh, by the way, Alden, heres my card, if youre ever in town again. Now, away I go!

(MR. BIGG randomly takes out an umbrella and tries to fly away, but it wont work.)

MR. BIGG: Nevermind.

(MUFFY enters.)

MUFFY: Mary Nich!

MARY: Muffy Moneymooch?

MUFFY: Yes, it is I! I thought about what you said, so I donated half my fortune to orphanages, so now its like I have a whole bunch of rotten, stinky kids, like yours! Also, guess what

MARY: What?

MUFFY: There is a spot left open for the board of the Connecticut Country Club with your name on it.

MARY: Its okay. I think

MUFFY: It pays seven-thousand dollars a year.

MARY: I think I would love to join.

MUFFY: Good! Now, off to Africa to feed starving children. I never knew there was starvation in Africa. I just thought they were all on that Atkins diet.

(MUFFY exits.)

MARY: My goodness! With all this excitement, I need a drink.

GLENN: Me too!

CALPURNIA: Dont look at me.

MR. BIGG: Not to worry, Maam! I have three big cases of bourbon.

(MR. BIGG uncovers some empty boxes.)

MR. BIGG: These These boxes are empty!

GLENN and MARY: All the alcohol is gone?!

MARY: You You dont think?

Scene 7.
The sky

(MRS. MCGEE flies above, clearly intoxicated. She laughs insanely and sings. Flying birds fall dead as she sings.)

MRS. MCGEE:
I love to drink, (laughs)
I love to drink all day,
I love to drink, (laughs)
My minds not clearly okay!

With money for liquor and wine,
You can have a heck or a time,
With your mind on your task,
Your drinkings your mask,
With your fist holding fast,
to the rim of your flask

Oh, Oh, Oh,
Lets go buy a drink,
Until we cannot think,
Lets go buy a drink and get dementia,
Up to the cheapest bar,
Where are the Irish are,
Oh, lets go buy a drink!

(The rest of the COMPANY enters and sing.)

ALL:
When you drink and drink up there,
All at once your visions impaired,
You can drive in your car and drive only subpart,
With your fist holding fast,
to the rim of your flask

Oh, Oh, Oh,
Lets go buy a drink,
Until we cannot think,
Lets go buy a drink and get dementia,
Up to the cheapest bar,
Where are the Irish are,
Oh, lets go buy a drink!

(CALPURNIA comes out of the crowd.)

CALPURNIA: Oh, hello again. So, of course there is a happy ending and et cetera Everyone lives happily ever after Yes, thats right. Its the end of the play and without a point or plot or moral in sight! At least its over. Well, technically, its not over until after bows But, the point is, I hope yall had a good time! And come back soon at full price, preferably! Goodnight, everyone!

(Curtain.)

Quantum Loser
September 1st, 2005, 06:31 PM
I don't think anyone actually read the whole thing :shock:

Scott Tuplin
September 2nd, 2005, 01:33 PM
I tried, but ended up skipping alot of the dialogue. I read the revised songs though :p very good