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Hand
May 20th, 2005, 04:50 PM
Sloggin': Attack of the Clooneys

SCENE 1. SFX: Melodramatic theme music.

CAPTAIN Space. Its large, dark, and occasionally interesting. These are the voyages of the starship Consolationprise. Our three season I mean, three year mission: to explore strange new worlds and their strange new women. To seek out new life, and overthrow their religious beliefs by destroying their sentient Godlike computers with no regard for our own ethical obligations. To boldly go where the other guys already did.

SFX: Melodramatic theme music, rocket-ship sound.

CAPTAIN Captains Log. 23rd of July. The Future. After a year of gladiatorial combat, Western shootouts and the Great Vegetable Rebellion of Carrotus Prime, my crew is ready for some rest and shore leave. We are en route to Nymphomania 7, and expect to be in orbit within three days.
In the meantime, the redshirts have walked off the job due to a union dispute. I asked Starmada to beam over some Imperial stormtroopers, but the transportation device malfunctioned and they all died. Ive asked the only remaining nonessential crewmember to take their place in the meantime; a prospect which he finds uninviting.

HULA Captain, Im picking up a distress signal.

CAPTAIN Can it wait? Im in the middle of updating my log.

HULA Just press Ctrl-S, sir.

SFX: Beep.

CAPTAIN Oh, thankyou Hula. Okay, lets hear it.

SFX: Beep.

MESSAGE (Metallic voice.) Help, help, help, help, help, help (Continues.)

CAPTAIN Mister Pointy, what do the flashing buttons on your console say?

POINTY They say very little, Captain, due to their being made of round blobs of plastic. However, their flashes indicate that the distress signal is being transmitted from a vessel approximately one light year away.

CAPTAIN Can you identify the vessel?

POINTY We are not in visual range.

CAPTAIN So you wouldnt be able to tell me the odds of that ship having green slave women, then?

POINTY Im afraid not, sir.

CAPTAIN Mister Zulu, lay in an intercept course, and standby on tractor beams.

ZULU Aye, Captain.

POINTY Besides, the ship is transmitting on an old Earth frequency.

CAPTAIN So there could be human slave women on board? This isnt going to be like that time when we picked up those mandolin-playing space beatniks, is it?

POINTY Given the number of times we go back to old plot devices, Id say its likely.

CAPTAIN Still, I think its worth a closer look. And turn that distress signal off.

SFX: Beep, Communication whistle.

CAPTAIN Doctor Killjoy, Ensign Smith, please report to Transportation Room 1.

POINTY Im assuming that Ill be going as well.

CAPTAIN Yep.

SCENE 2. SFX: Melodramatic theme music, various beeping and clicking noises. Rapid running and door swish.

CAPTAIN Right, were here and ready.

KILLJOY Jim, whats the point of being explorers if all you do is rescue women, blow up computers and have shootouts with alien mobsters. There are times when I feel like Im just a part of a stupid 60s TV show.

CAPTAIN Oh relax, Doctor, were all armed.

KILLJOY Yes, with laser guns that arent really effective against anything.

POINTY He has a point, Captain. Usually the people we shoot at either manage to dodge being shot at, which is no mean feat, considering were technically firing at the speed of light, or they shrug off the effects of being shot almost immediately.

SFX: Door swish.

SMITH (Whiny voice.) Do I really have to go on this mission?

CAPTAIN Well all the other replaceable crewmembers walked off because of that union thing, and you didnt join the union, so yes.

SMITH But Im going to die!

CAPTAIN Look, just because youre a minor character who chose to wear a red shirt in a potentially dangerous and probably lethal situation, does not mean youre going to snuff it.

SMITH But it always happens! Remember what happened to Crewman Brown when we visited the Planet of the Dinosaurs?

CAPTAIN No.

SMITH Or what about Yeoman Johnson, when you decided to overthrow the supercomputer on Psychopathica 9?

CAPTAIN I remember she offered to sleep with me; does that count?

SMITH Well, I refuse to step onto that transportation pad. Theres no way!

POINTY Ensign, in accordance with the Starmada Charter for Dummies, Chapter 8, Paragraph 17, all away teams must be accompanied by at least one dispensable crew member. All the other dispensable crew members are protesting outside Starmada Headquarters, so you are obligated to go with us.

CAPTAIN Mister Scouse, are we in transportation range yet?

SCOUSE (Scouse accent.) Yeah.

CAPTAIN Okay team, lets go.

SFX: Footsteps, beep, transportation noise.

SCENE 3. SFX: Melodramatic theme music. (All voices in this scene with slight echo.) Distress signal in background.

CAPTAIN Mister Pointy, see if you can switch off that distress signal. Killjoy, Smith, youre with me.

POINTY Yes, Captain. Ill also begin scanning for survivors.

SMITH Hang on, my leg hasnt materialised yet.

KILLJOY Itll come through eventually.

CAPTAIN Okay, Killjoy, you go with Pointy and search the foredecks. Me and Smith will search the aft.

KILLJOY The what?

CAPTAIN The back of the ship.

KILLJOY Oh.

SMITH Right, my legs appeared now. Its on backwards, but at least its there.

CAPTAIN Right, lets go.

SFX: Footsteps, scanning sound.

CAPTAIN So Ensign, what do you think about this ship?

SMITH Well, according to my scannowhiz, the design of the corridors match those of vessels built during the Reality TV Wars of 2011.

CAPTAIN You mean the time when the BBCNN tried to set off a nuclear apocalypse so that they could film humanitys desperate attempts to survive?

SMITH Yes sir.

CAPTAIN I remember reading about that show. They ended up cancelling it after audiences discovered that 97% of the human race would have to die in the pilot episode.

SMITH A sad period of history indeed.

SFX: Radio static.

KILLJOY Jim, weve found something.

CAPTAIN Really? What is it?

KILLJOY Youd better come see for yourself.

CAPTAIN Doctor, why is it that whenever you find something interesting, you lack the ability to describe it in any level of detail. (Sigh.) Where are you?

POINTY We are currently in Cargo Bay 1.

CAPTAIN Well be right there.

SFX: Radio static.

CAPTAIN Ensign, see if you can bring up a schematic of the ship on this computer.

SFX: Beep, followed by rapid gunfire.

SMITH Well that was a good idea. (Dying gasp.)

CAPTAIN At least you brought the map up.

SFX: Running sound, melodramatic theme music.

KILLJOY Why do they have to play melodramatic music every time we change scenes? I mean, nothing really interesting has happened yet to necessitate such a thing.

CAPTAIN Okay, Im here.

POINTY Where is Ensign Smith?

CAPTAIN Oh, he pushed this button and all these guns came out of the ceiling and shot him.

SFX: Running sound.

SMITH I got here as fast as I could; what did I miss?

CAPTAIN Strange; I had the definite impression that you died.

SMITH I did. Ask Mr. Scouse; he came up with something to address the lack of expendable characters. Not that Im very happy about it, but

CAPTAIN Yes yes, shut up. Killjoy, what did you find?

KILLJOY Over eighty frozen bodies in cryonic pods.

CAPTAIN So who are they?

POINTY I am not sure, Captain. However, I believe I can reanimate them with this control panel.

KILLJOY What makes you say that?

POINTY The large red button that is surrounded by flashing arrows and has Defrost written on it in neon green writing.

CAPTAIN I see. (Break.) Doctor, what can you tell me of their physical condition?

KILLJOY Theyre all in a controlled comatose state.

CAPTAIN Just so long as theyre not more space beatniks. Pointy, could you start up the reanimation sequence?

POINTY Yes, Captain. Smith, start up the

SMITH Yeah yeah, I

SFX: Beep, squelchy sound.

CAPTAIN Oh, I guess that was booby-trapped too.

SFX: Microwave beep, pneumatic doors.

POINTY Doctor

KILLJOY Im on it.

SFX: Scanning sound.

CAPTAIN How are they?

KILLJOY Well, this guys unconscious and freezing. I recommend 20ccs of black coffee and a can of Red Cow.

CAPTAIN Anything special about him?

KILLJOY According to the scannowhiz, he possesses greater-than-average looks, strength, and intellect. Plus his hair is perfectly conditioned.

CAPTAIN No dandruff?

KILLJOY None at all.

CAPTAIN Incredible! Doctor, have him beamed to sickbay. Perhaps I could learn his conditioning technique so I could use it on my hair.

POINTY You dont have any hair.

CAPTAIN No, the next captain in the series doesnt have any hair. I do.

POINTY (Pause.) Thats not hair.

SFX: Melodramatic theme music.

CAPTAIN And shut that damn theme music off!

SCENE 4. SFX: Slightly less melodramatic theme music, bubbling, heart monitor, frogs.

CAPTAIN Captains Log. 24th of July. The Future. Weve discovered an ancient Earth vessel containing nearly a hundred cryonic-frozen humans. I have sent a message to Starbase 616, advising them of our find. Well drop the ship off on the way to shore leave, and leave the Starmada Science Department to work out the rest. We should get there in 4 days. Wed get there quicker, but were towing the ship behind us, so thats made things difficult.
In the meantime, Ensign Smith has died seven times since the union dispute, and hes still walking around. Im considering increasing the crews garlic ration to ward off any vampiric tendencies he may develop. Mr Scouse says he knows whats going on, so Ill have to ask him later.

KILLJOY Jim, do you have to update your log in sickbay?

CAPTAIN Well, your office has a comfy chair, and the chair on the bridge isnt really that good. Plus I want to know the status of our patient.

KILLJOY Hes still unconscious.

CAPTAIN Try matching up his profile with the Starmada databanks. I want to know who he is.

KILLJOY Why dont you just ask him?

CAPTAIN Because hes sleeping.

KILLJOY Hes not sleeping, hesoh.

CAPTAIN Keep me informed, doctor. Ill be in Engineering.

SFX: Door swish.

KILLJOY (Off-key singing) The head bones connected to the throat bone. The throat bones connected to the torso bone, the torso bones connected to the knife blade, the knife blades connected to the

SOMEONE (Ricardo Montalbanish accent) My hand.

KILLJOY Yes, I can see that.

SOMEONE Now you listen carefully, because I will not repeat myself. I want to know where I am, where my crew is, who you are, what your shoe size is, and where I can find the nearest mens room.

KILLJOY Are you serious?

SOMEONE No, Sirius is my second-in-command. Now, answer my questions, or I will plunge this knife into your heart, rip it out and barbecue it.

KILLJOY Thats an interesting concept. However, you fail to realise that, as a main character on this show, theres no way I can die.

SOMEONE Well, how am I supposed to show you Im serious, then?

KILLJOY Hang on.

SFX: Communications whistle.

KILLJOY Ensign Smith, please report to sickbay. Ensign Smith, report to sickbay.

SOMEONE So where am I?

KILLJOY Youre in bed.

SOMEONE No, I mean where is this place?

KILLJOY Sickbay.

SOMEONE You dont have to be that specific. What is this facility?

KILLJOY This facility is a starship.

SOMEONE Ah. And the rest-room is?

KILLJOY That door to your left.

SOMEONE Good. Do you mind holding this knife against your chest until I get back?

KILLJOY Okay.

SFX: Footsteps, door swish, peeing sound.

SMITH Hello doctor, I youre holding a knife against your chest.

KILLJOY Yes Ensign, Im aware of that.

SFX: Flush, door swish.

SOMEONE Who are you?

SMITH Im Ensign Smith; who are

SOMEONE Could I have my knife back please?

KILLJOY Here you go.

SOMEONE Thank you.

SFX: Stabbing sound.

SMITH Ouch.

SFX: Thump.

KILLJOY See, now I know youre serious.

SOMEONE I demand to see your captain.

KILLJOY Alright.

SFX: Communication whistle.

KILLJOY Captain Something, please report to sickbay. Captain Something, please report to sickbay.

SOMEONE So where is my crew?

KILLJOY Theyre still on your ship; we dont have enough food replicators to cater for everyone. Were keeping them in their pods until

SFX: Door swish.

CAPTAIN Okay, Im here, I oh, Ensign Smiths dead again.

KILLJOY Yes Jim, and our guest is awake.

CAPTAIN Which would explain why Ensign Smith is dead.

SOMEONE Captain, I am pleased to finally meet you.

CAPTAIN Hang on, I want to ask a few questions. Whats your name?

SOMEONE Khan.

CAPTAIN Is that your first name or your last name?

KHAN My name is Khan.

CAPTAIN What, just Khan?

KHAN Khaaan!

CAPTAIN Fair enough. Dinners at seven, meet me and the other senior officers in the dining room then. And doctor, have the robots take Ensign Smiths body down to the morgue.

SFX: Door swish.

KHAN He doesnt fool around, does he?

KILLJOY No, he doesnt.

Scene 5. SFX: Melodramatic music.

CAPTAIN Captains Log. Additional. Ive made a formal complaint to Starmada Headquarters concerning the melodramatic music being played during every scene change. Ive also invited the defrosted man to dinner.

KHAN Yes, Im aware of that, Captain.

POINTY The captain likes to update his log on a regular basis. Its all part of the routine on board a starship.

CAPTAIN It sure is. So Khan, tell us about your journey.

KHAN Well, first I fell asleep, and then I woke up.

POINTY Fascinating.

CAPTAIN So what did you do before setting off into space?

KHAN I was a Bollywood actor. After we found out the BBCNN was planning a nuclear war, the Bollywood Actors Guild decided to escape in one of their ships, and return once the war was over and Earth was nice again.

CAPTAIN Youre a very long way from Earth, though.

KHAN Yes, well, those navigational computers were built by women, so of course we got lost.

CAPTAIN Id advise against saying that around here. Our attitudes towards the opposite sex have undergone some major changes since the early 21st century.

KHAN Then why do you make them wear uniforms with plunging necklines and miniskirts?

CAPTAIN (Pause.) So Khan, what films were you in?

KHAN Oh, many films. None that were very good.

CAPTAIN I didnt know Bollywood made films that were good.

POINTY On the contrary, Captain. Many Bollywood films were definitive classics, like Bride and Prejudice, or The Indian Superman, or

CAPTAIN I dont suppose theres a way of confirming your identity?

POINTY Im still looking for his profile in the databanks, but information from that period of history is very sketchy.

KHAN Plus I dont like cameras; they freak me out. Thats why Im in a radio show and not a TV show.

CAPTAIN I see.

KHAN So, when can I expect my crew to be defrosted?

CAPTAIN Once we reach Starbase 616.

KHAN Well thats no good.

CAPTAIN Why not? Its been hundreds of years; whats three days going to do?

KHAN Wellexcuse me, Im going to my ship.

SFX: Chair dragged.

CAPTAIN What for?

KHAN Uh, well theres coffee there

CAPTAIN We have coffee here. Fresh grown on the slopes of Olympus Mons, Mars.

KHAN No no, this is, uh, a special blend. I shouldnt be too long.

SFX: Door swish.

CAPTAIN Well, Mister Pointy, what have you found so far?

POINTY I was confused by his statement that he didnt like cameras, especially as he is supposedly one of the most reputable actors in the Indian film industry.

CAPTAIN So you think hes an impostor.

POINTY Im not sure. However, I have found a picture of someone who bares a striking similarity to him. His name is Thomas Clooney. Apparently, hes the evil half-brother of George Clooney, a respected Hollywood actor. According to the databanks, Thomas worked the arthouse circuit for several years, before disappearing in 2008. It was later revealed that hed taken over the BBCNN, and was the man that almost started the Reality TV Wars of 2011.

CAPTAIN Anything else?

POINTY Yes. Apparently, he was also responsible for the massacre at Pope Logan Vs bar mitzvah, which he did because it was a slow news day.

CAPTAIN So thats this guy?

POINTY That is my assumption based on the evidence at hand, yes.

CAPTAIN Right.

SFX: Communications whistle.

CAPTAIN Ensign Smith, please report to the other ship, and be armed.

POINTY Captain, you should have used a private communication. Now the whole ship knows, and that includes Clooney.

CAPTAIN You can blame the foley department for this; they didnt record enough sound effects. Cheap gits.

SFX: Ominous music.

CAPTAIN (Shouting) The scene isnt over yet!

SFX: Music fades out.

CAPTAIN Okay, weve got to stop this guy before he does whatever it is hes going to do.

POINTY Hes probably going to wake up his fellow crewmembers, and get them to take over this ship.

CAPTAIN Who knows what kind of diabolical plan he has planned for us.

POINTY I just hope Ensign Smith doesnt die too quickly. It might place strain on the

CAPTAIN Hang on, whats that smell?

POINTY Your mugatu burger, sir.

CAPTAIN No, its something different, sort of like beatniks

SFX: Two thumps, ominous music.

Scene 6. SFX: Communications whistle.

CLOONEY Attention all hands, this is your new captain. We are now en route to Starbase 616, where we will oversee the creation of a bold new reality TV series. It will be set against the background of a galactic war which we are about to start, and it will be called Star Wars!

HENCHMAN Sir, isnt there already a film series by that name?

CLOONEY Damn, youre right. Okay, this new series will be called Wars in Space, and it will get the best ratings in history!

POINTY So what will happen to us senior officers?

CLOONEY Well release you on the planet Tanunda Bay, and then detonate a small nuclear device that will kill you all.

CAPTAIN Oh, that doesnt sound so bad.

CLOONEY You, Captain, on the other hand, will be thrown into the woe closet.

KILLJOY The woe closet?

CLOONEY Its sort of like a big glass box that makes you commit suicide. We had it on a game show in 2006. It bombed in the ratings, but we held onto the design for nostalgia purposes. Take him away.

CAPTAIN (Voice fading away.) No, you cant do this, well get our ship back, et cetera

CLOONEY And now I must gloat evilly, so you will all be locked in your quarters.

SFX: Door swish.

CLOONEY (Sung to the tune of Theme from Rawhide) Gloating, gloating, gloating, everybodys gloating, rawhide!

Scene 7. SFX: Footsteps.

SMITH So youre an expendable bit part as well, eh?

HENCH #1 Yeah.

SMITH Do they pay you well?

HENCH #1 Yeah, but I dont get sick leave.

SMITH No sick leave? What kind of henchman are you? Im assuming you guys have a union?

HENCH #2 We do, but we dont use it often.

SMITH Well the right to sick leave is something all expendable bit parts need. Why, your employers could be taking advantage of you without your realising.

HENCH #1 Hey, youre right!

HENCH #3 Right about what?

HENCH #1 Our employers been screwing us out of our legal rights!

HENCH #2 What!?

HENCH #3 Send out the word to all henchmen on the ship; were walking off until we see our union rep.

HENCH #1 Thanks for informing us, buddy.

SMITH No problems.

HENCH #1 Look, I know its just a little thing, but dont try to retake the ship. Itll look really bad on our resume if that happens.

SMITH You can count on me.

HENCH #2 Right, lets go boys!

SFX: Footsteps, angry grumbling.

SMITH Told you unions were good for nothing. And now to retake the ship.

Scene 8. SFX: Scanny noise, ominous music.

VOICE #1 (Echoey) Youre a bad captain.

VOICE #2 (Echoey) Youre a bad actor.

VOICE #1 Youre bald.

CAPTAIN No!

VOICE #1 Youre also in denial of being bald.

VOICE #2 And youre the worst director since Ed Wood.

HENCH #4 Wow, this guys got some serious issues.

SFX: Running.

HENCH #5 Viva la revolution!

HENCH #4 What?

HENCH #5 Were going to complain to the union! Come on!

SFX: Running, silence, then footsteps.

SMITH Captain?

CAPTAIN Who are you?

SMITH Ensign Smith, the redshirt.

CAPTAIN Oh. Can you get me out of here?

SMITH Hang on.

SFX: Breaking glass.

SMITH Are you alright, sir?

CAPTAIN All they bruised was my ego. We have to get down to sickbay!

SMITH Why?

CAPTAIN Im going to retake my ship, thats why!

SMITH Yes, but wouldnt we do better to go to the armoury first? You know, get some grenades, a suicide lemming, those really cool automated gun turrets that

CAPTAIN Lets just get to sickbay.

SMITH Okay, but

SFX: Breaking glass, squelchy sound.

CAPTAIN Youre dead again?

SFX: Running.

CAPTAIN I tell you, if Starmada is allowing people who die as often as you get into these ships, Im going to be sending another complaint their way.

SFX: Door swish, opening drawers, tipping stuff on floor.

CAPTAIN Come on, where is it?

SFX: Door swish.

SMITH Okay, what are we looking for?

CAPTAIN Another bottle of that tranquiliser gas.

SMITH Why?

CAPTAIN Im going to do to Clooney and his henchmen what they did to us. We should be immune to that gas, because weve been knocked out by it in virtually every episode weve done.

SMITH There are times when I respect and love this shows tendency to retread over old plot devices.

CAPTAIN Still, for what the show requires, itll have to work like that. Okay, Ive found the gas. Now all we need is to find a convenient air duct.

SFX: Quack.

CAPTAIN What a childish sound gag!

SFX: Metallic scraping.

SMITH Sir, Ive found it! Now what?

CAPTAIN Now we throw the gas bottle down the air duct. Itll explode, send gas all over the ship, and knock them all out.

SMITH But what if the explosion causes damage to vital systems, or what if

SFX: Explosion.

CAPTAIN What! Dead again?

SFX: Communications whistle.

POINTY Captain, this is Pointy. All the henchmen have been incapacitated. Clooneys sealed himself in Engineering, and is apparently trying to blow the ship up.

CAPTAIN Of course he is! Well, Smith should be down there, so Ill have some help.

POINTY Good luck, Captain.

SFX: Running. Lots of running. Heavy breathing.

CAPTAIN Why do they have to make these ships so damn big?

SFX: More running. Door swish.

CAPTAIN Clooney!

CLOONEY Hello, Captain. I should warn you that Ive set your ships engines to explode in ten minutes, as the large digital timer here says.

SFX: Zap.

SMITH Okay, Im going to

SFX: Punch, thump, zap.

SMITH Dont think youll

SFX: Punch, thump, zap.

CLOONEY It was very clever of your engineer to install an expendable character cloning machine in here, but it will do no good.

SFX: Punch, thump, zap.

CLOONEY He has to be the worst fighter in the history of extras. And now Im going to kill you.

CAPTAIN Hang on, Ive got to get ready.

SFX: Ripping shirt.

CAPTAIN And some dramatic fight music.

SFX: Dramatic fight music.

CAPTAIN And now to start off with a Vulcan Groin Kick.

SFX: Lots of punching, breaking glass, thumping, the occasional zap, and the sound of a cat being whacked against a wall.

CLOONEY Your foley department must be having a field day.

CAPTAIN Im sure they are.

SFX: More fight sounds, and a couple more zaps.

SMITH Could you stop killing me, please? Theres at least a dozen dead bodies in here, and all mine!

CL/CP Shut up!

SFX: Punch.

CLOONEY You killed him again?

CAPTAIN No, just stunned. And back to fighting.

SFX: Fight sounds.

CLOONEY You cant win, you know. Im a genetically engineered superman with a superior intellect.

CAPTAIN Yes, but you forgot one thing.

CLOONEY Really, and whats

SFX: Tripping sound, thump.

CAPTAIN Im the main character.

SMITH Uh, you hit me on the head.

CAPTAIN It was necessary, Ensign. Now get all these dead bodies out of here before someone else trips over them.

Scene 9. SFX: Melodramatic music.

CAPTAIN Captains Log. Additional. Weve put down the mutiny, and have returned the bad guys to their ship. I have also put in a special commendation for Ensign Smith, for having to put up with so much crap in this episode due to the union dispute.
In the meantime, I have to plan what to do with the mutineers.

CLOONEY So what are you going to do with us mutineers?

KILLJOY Well, we cant just freeze you all again. That would be a boring plot development.

CLOONEY Then what?

CAPTAIN Im going to disable your ships engines, and land you on the planet Sequel 2. The planet is adequately habitable; you should be able to make a life for yourself there.

CLOONEY Why are you doing this?

CAPTAIN Youre probably not a bad person. Okay, you were evil, sadistic, you wanted to plunge the whole galaxy into war and you also took over my ship for a short time, but it wasnt your fault. Youre a product of your period of history, and I cant hold that against you.

CLOONEY Well, I know not to look a gift horse in the ear. Thank you, Captain, for giving us a second chance at life. I wish you all the best for the future.

CAPTAIN But we are in the future!

CLOONEY No, I

CAPTAIN Ensign Smith, Doctor, you two can take him back to his ship now.

SMITH Yes sir.

SFX: Door swish.

CAPTAIN Mister Pointy, did you attach the bomb to the exterior of their ship?

POINTY Yes Captain. It should explode approximately five minutes after they detach from our ship.

CAPTAIN Very good.

POINTY Captain, I must wonder; why did you order me to undertake such an action.

CAPTAIN Well Pointy, its not the humane thing to do, but it is the human thing to do.

POINTY And with that blaze of ironic anti-morality, we present the melodramatic credits.

SFX: Melodramatic theme music.