View Full Version : Jeff Brister's The Mutants

April 29th, 2005, 09:02 PM
Hey everyone. Just thought I'd post this here and see what you think of this comic script so far. Enjoy!

Page 1

Panel 1: Night. A lone figure is standing at the top of the Frost Building, high above the Austin skyline. His face is obscured by his white hair. A faint blue glow can be seen through the hair, which are his eyes. The top of the Frost Building should be a pyramid made of glass. The building should be between 35-40 floors. Elems costume should be black tights covering his body with blue sleeves. His should have fingerless gloves on. He is the Elem, but his identity is not yet known to the audience.

Elem: Quiet. Another night of quiet. How utterly relaxing.

Panel 2: An explosion rocks the ground below him, catching the stranger off guard.

Elem: Goddammit!

Panel 3: The person gliding down to the ground, wind carrying him.

Elem: Something always happens when I say that!

Other voice: The Elem. Just who I needed to see.

Page 2. Splash Page.

The Elem stands before a man seemingly made of liquid metal. Chem stands tall, a look of disdain and disgust on his face. Elems hands are beginning to glow red.

Elem: Chem!! What the hell are you doing here?

Chem: You damn well know why Im here.

Page 3

Panel 1: Elem and Chem leaping at each other. Chem is shooting metal ropes from his hand, Elem firing lightning. The crowd around them is alarmed and running away.

Elem: Were looking for the same thing, Chem! Why do you want to fight?

Chem: You want to send them to the system, let the humans coddle their own!

Chem: I want to show them how mutants dispense justice!

Panel 2: Elem getting knocked to a wall.


Elem: OOF!!

Chem: Now, foolout of my way. I have business to attend to.

Panel 3: Chem walking inside the building. Police are starting to gather around.

Elem: Chem! No! This isnt right! Killing

Panel 4: A gun is placed to Elems head. The cop holding it is pissed off beyond measure. The wall should have a noticeable crack in it from where Elem was knocked into it.

Cop: Goddamn mutant! Make one more move and Ill fill your head with lead!

Elem (thought): Excellent. Someone else might get killed because I got held up by the cops.

Panel 5: A burst of light and fog from the spot where the Elem hit the wall. The other officers shield their eyes from the blast.

Elem (Thought): Im not gonna let that happen! Not again!

Page 4

Panel 1: The light is subsiding as the policemen look puzzled about what has just happened.

Cop: Whered he go?

Another Cop: Most likely went into the building. He came here for something with that other super powered freak. I think were goin' to need the boys to send us something a bit more vicious...

Panel 2: A sheet of diamond forming around the door. Officers stand in front of it, guns drawn and ready to fire.

Cop: Whats going on now?!

Elem: This isnt your business! Stay away! I dont want any innocent people killed tonight!

Elem caption: I hear people say all the time

Panel 3: Elem running for the nearest elevator shaft, Chem standing in an elevator, an arrogant smirk on his face.

Elem Caption: Wouldnt it be cool to be a superhero?

Panel 4: Chem launching Elem into the wall with a blast of metal.

Elem Caption: I just wish I could hand them my tights and say, Be me for a night.

Panel 5: Elem hurling a ball of lava at the Chem, the lava catching him in the arm.

Elem Caption: See how much fun you have.

Page 5

Panel 1: Show a high school courtyard, open air type place, bustling with students.

Elem Caption: Sorry. I was rambling. Like most mutants, I used to be normal.

Panel 2: Two people are arguing. A boy named Louis in arguing with a girl named Nina. Nina should be a bit shorter than Louis, Hispanic, and a little chubby. Louis should be of medium height and build, brown hair, and is white. From here on, Elem will be referred to as Louis

Louis: What do you mean, We were too different?

Nina: Just what I said. We were too different for each other.

Louis Caption: Yeah, thats methe asshole on the leftthe guy if you need any more help.

Panel 3: Louis getting hotter, Nina getting more defensive.

Louis: It just sounds like you needed an excuse to get away from me!

Nina: But why would I want to get away from the guy who I had a wonderful time with?

Panel 3: Louis turns his back, trying his best to keep his cool.

Louis: Because youd already had your fun with me, and John was starting to get jealous.

Nina: What the hell did you just say?

Panel 4: Louis turning around, pointing straight at Nina.

Louis: That was the plan, right? You get me, you take advantage of me, get John mad at me, dump me before anything serious happens, run into his open arms, kiss, roll credits?

Nina: No. I didnt do that. I just wanted to see if I loved you.

C. William Russette
April 30th, 2005, 05:44 PM
Since you asked for thoughts, I think this link to Dark Horse's script format would help, yer almost using it anyway. It's found in the writer's submission guidelines.


Without knowing the length of the story (full comic, mini 6,8,12 page) it's hard to determine how well the pacing is working in this piece, Sub. A lil more info?