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View Full Version : 'Next!' - a mini play, waxing humorous



NZJez
January 21st, 2005, 06:21 PM
This is something that started off as nothing, and slowly turned into something else...see what you think.




[The acoustics have a slight echo, as if in a small hall. Dave is sitting in the chair, wearing a suit that doesnt fit him very well. He has a northern accent, and his lines are in bold. Incidental instructions are in italics, and are underlined. The other characters have any accent you see fit. A different character, with a different accent, should be used in each of the four scenes alongside Dave]


*1*

Cmin!
Hi!
Youre first one up, must be eager.
I am! Eager to please!
You are, are you? Why do you want to do this?
The fame1 The fortune! The chance to earn enough so I can move out of my mums house!
How old are you son?
Twenty six.
Ok then, but this is only a local talent contest y know, tisnt bloody Stars in Your Eyes.
Yeah, but you got to start somewhere, right?
Spose so. Alright then, show me what you got.
I just need to do a bit of changing, can I just go behind this screen here?
Ok then.
[from behind screen, muffled] Come and seeIve got a unique talent I haveI can do this!
Whoa whoa whoawhats all that about? Whereve y trousers gone? And what the hell is that youre wearing round your neck?
Its a Belgian fertility symbol. Goes down a storm with the ladies!
If thats a bloody fertility symbol, whys it got Anne Summers tag on it? This is a family show son, family show; we wont have any of that filth. Theyll be making inflatable dartboards before youre a hit with the ladies, cos the only bird youve ever taken home was in a chicken tikka masala, now piss off!


*2*

Next!
Do you want me?
Youre the only one in the room son, no wait, I think we had someone who said he could impersonate tinvisible man, dont know if hes left yet.
What?
Never mind, son, whats your star talent?
I reform malleable grade rubber into atmospherically containable structures.
Sorry son, I forgot my Oxford dictionary when I went out door this morning.
I make balloon shapes.
Thats better, now youre on my wavelength. What kind of balloon shapes?
Warships from the classical era.
Whats that mean exactly?
Well the Mary Rose is popular at the moment.
Lets see you make one then.
[a short interlude]
There.
Now I cant speak for everyone, y understand, but to me, that would only resemble a Mary Rose if I were stabbed in both eyes with a sharp pencil.
You just need to look at it for a bit. It becomes more obvious with time.
How much time you planning on giving them? Theres pensioners in the audience, and its going to be doctors day off.
You just have to be careful that you dont get it near sharp objects.
[a short interlude]
Bloody hell! What the hell you fill those things with? Normal air dont explode like that! Look, son, unless you want to be carving coffin for the rest of your life, I cant let you on. Health and safety would have me head on a plate!


*3*

Next!
Good morning to you.
Mornin. Are you here for tauditions?
Yes. Ive been waiting outside for three days!
Three days? Posters only went up yesterday.
Well, actually, I missed the last train home, and I cant afford another ticket, so I came here to get out of the cold..
Well come on then, give us a show.
What would you like me to do?
Mate, this is a variety show audition, you can do whatever y like.
Whatever I like?
Within reason, yeah. Tis family show, mind, so keep it clean.
Oherrjust let me think for a minute.
Take your time, mate. Its not like Ive got anything else to do.
Thanks.
No problem.

[cut to several minutes later]

Err, mate?
Sorry, yes?
I know I said take y time, but Ive got a wife an kids tome.
Ok, ok. Just turn that lamp on. Ok and can you shine it over here? Thanks. How about this?
What exactly are y showing me here?
Its a shadow puppet.
Statin the bloody obvious isnt a talent, son, what is it?
Its a Boeing 747.
I wasnt aware that jet aircraft, to my knowledge, had ears.
Theyre not ears! Theyre wings!
Wings? Really. Been in a crash has it?
Impressed?
Well, Im not expert y understand but I expect that todays high-class clee-on-telle are lookin for something little more sophisticated than a shadow puppet.
Oh.
Can y do anything else?
I can open tins with my teeth!
You think that will entertain audience, do you?
I can sing!
Really. Ok then, give us a blast.
OK, here we goTHE HILLS ARE ALIIIIIVEWITH THE SOUND OF MUUUUUUUUUUSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!

Well?
The last time I heard something like that, son, it was coming out of tambulance with sheet over is face
So you liked it then?



*4*

Afternoon
Noon.
Going well is it?
No.
You mean youre not enjoying yourself?
I enjoyed last trip to mams more than this, and that were for her funeral.
So this isnt the most fulfilling thing youve ever done?
Im interviewing talentless people for a talent contest. Theres more sparkle in a packet of pork rinds.
So youre not enjoying yourself?
Wow, Sherlocks day off, is it?
Whats got into you today?
Would you like to do what Im doing?
Well no thats why youre doing it.
Exactly. If I go on like this much longer Im going to beat someone to death with my chair.
What have you had today?
We had some kind of wannabe porn star strip-artist he was weird he was looked a bit of a deviant youth. We had balloon guy who made model of Mary Rose or something. Almost bust my bloody eardrums when that thing went off he was bit rubbish; and some guy who did shadow puppets.
Any good?
Depends. Says the thing was a Boeing 747, but I never saw one of them with ears.
I can see how it might be tough.
Might be, might be? This takes it out tother side of tough!
Yes, I cant see shadow puppets working that well on a radio show myself.
Whoa there sunshine, whats all this about a radio show?
Youre doing auditions for a radio show, didnt anyone tell you?

[long pause]

Oh f -