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Moonbeast32
January 24th, 2020, 02:19 AM
Sorry if there's formatting issues, posting from my phone.

Don't really have plans for this piece, mostly just exercising my ability to describe things.

Survarth stood unmoving against the weak but persistent breeze. Hands clasped behind his back, and his eyes slightly squinted against the light, he held an authoritative posture typically reserved for sculptures. He wore an emerald vest made from woven braxweed, and trousers of bleached wool. It was an outfit of princely quality among labourer’s clothing, but the way they fit him had an off-putting effect, as if someone had put clothes on a silver statue. From whichever angle, his form seemed to suggest that a different sort of raiment was his natural pair, but no observer could quite guess what.

Before and above Survarth were the ruins of Cretesteen. Impossibly white square pillars rose at uneven heights and distances along a large oval in the ground to form a sort of palace. Surrounding it in radial segments were a network of roads lined with little square buildings, all as white as the palace above. Small rectangular windows appeared on every side of the cubular buildings, including on the top face. The layers of roads and cubes extended outward for an aproxamate 2 miles from the palace, except where the city limits met a steep rocky bluff on the south western side.

Survarth supposed that there was an odd sort of beauty to the ruins, though the longer one started, the more confusing the square pillars would appear. Of course, from above the ruins would give a much more visceral impression; the chaotic heights of the palace pillars resembling the jagged end of a broken bone, surrounded by rows and rows of teeth-like buildings. He concluded that the whole affair must have either been designed for a most peculiar trend of fashion, or in haste.

For ruins, they were in a remarkable condition. From where he stood, Survarth could not spot any cracks or crumbling across the face of the palace. Neither were the surrounding buildings with any blemish save for on the northern front. There, a swath of rubble lay where the network of roads and buildings should have been, as if a giant finger fell from the clouds and swiped across the city, smearing it across the valley floor.

As if coming to a decision, Survarth nodded and strode down the rocky knoll where he had perched. Coming down to the base of the knoll, he took a small leap from a fallen boulder and landed on the trail without breaking stride. There, he continued unflinchingly towards the great white complex a few miles out. The trail leading to it was clearly formed only recently, but had seen heavy traffic since its formation.

LCLee
January 24th, 2020, 04:48 AM
Sorry if there's formatting issues, posting from my phone.

Don't really have plans for this piece, mostly just exercising my ability to describe things.

Survarth stood unmoving still against the weak but persistent breeze. Hands clasped behind his back, and his eyes slightly (squinted is slightly open) squinted against the light, he held an authoritative posture typically reserved for sculptures. He wore an emerald vest made from woven braxweed, and trousers of bleached wool. It was an outfit of princely quality among labourer’s clothing, but the way they fit him had an off-putting effect, as if someone had put clothes on a silver statue. From whichever any direction angle, his form seemed to suggest that a different sort of raiment (this word usually applies to women’s clothing) was his natural pair, but no observer could quite guess what.

Before and above Survarth were the ruins of Cretesteen. Impossibly (I would go with seemingly impossible which would be) Unimaginable white square pillars rose at uneven heights and distances along a large oval in the ground to form a sort type (You have a sort of already) of palace. Surrounding it in radial segments were a network of roads lined with little square buildings, all as white as the palace above. Small rectangular windows appeared on every side of the cubular (did you mean a geeky cool building when you used cubular?) buildings, including on the top face. The layers of roads and cubes extended outward for an aproxamate 2 miles from the palace, except where the city limits met a steep rocky bluff on the south western side.

Survarth supposed that there was an odd sort of (you don’t need this ‘sort of.’) beauty to the ruins, though the longer one started, the more confusing the square pillars would appear. Of course, from Above the ruins would give a much more visceral impression; of the chaotic heights of the palace pillars resembling the jagged end of a broken bone, surrounded by rows and rows of teeth-like buildings. He concluded that the whole affair must have either been designed in haste or for a most peculiar trend of fashion, or in haste.

For ruins, they were in a remarkable condition. From where he stood, Survarth could not spot any cracks or crumbling across the face of the palace. Neither were the surrounding buildings with any blemish save for on the northern front. There, a swath of rubble lay where the network of roads and buildings should have been, as if a giant finger fell from the clouds and swiped across the city, smearing it across the valley floor.

As if coming to a decision, Survarth rubbed his chin in thought as he nodded and strode down the rocky knoll where he had perched. Coming down to the base of the knoll, he took a small leap from a fallen boulder and landed on the trail without breaking stride. There, he continued unflinchingly towards the great white complex a few miles out. The trail leading to it was clearly formed only recently, but had seen heavy traffic since its formation.

I had some time to go over it. I hope I added a few good points.
I like your descriptions because it didn't read like a laundry list to me, and maybe that's because you were traveling with his eyes.

Ralph Rotten
January 24th, 2020, 04:38 PM
Twas good practice at being eloquent; you certainly included every $5 word available in the lexicon. :read:
But it felt a bit stuffy and formal because of this. Like you were trying too hard.
Sort of like when you can tell an actor is acting.
You have a solid mechanical control of your writing, so loosen up and write something that does not include words we have to google. Be a little more contemporary in how you narrate.

KHK
January 27th, 2020, 04:11 AM
I would tend to agree with Ralph, although maybe not in such categorical terms.

Your style of this description probably has its place in some very particular contexts... It's just that the number of such contexts (that I can imagine) is extremely limited.
The text reads overly formal to me, and at times I felt the urge to skip over a few words that felt superfluous, in order to finally get to what it is you're saying.

I guess the main question I have is: what are you trying to achieve? Write a text that flows naturally, even with some occasional flourish? Or impress the readers with your mastery of an advanced lexicon and your ability to describe complex scenery?

KHK
January 27th, 2020, 04:14 AM
Oh, and the name of the main character...
I find it somewhat awkward, phonetically speaking. Unless you have a solid reason to pick this particular name (because it belongs to the appropriate culture/language, for instance), I would suggest something more easily rolling off the tongue. :-)

EthanWarwright
January 27th, 2020, 04:35 PM
I would agree with most of the points already made. You have a knack for vivid description of your setting, and your story leaves us with some questions about who this Survath is or why they’re here. But I would agree simpler language, to a degree, is more effective in writing because it makes it easier for readers of all kinds to follow. Very nice overall.

starsofclay
April 24th, 2020, 09:20 PM
My first question was-- why would it be revealing or interesting that he was unmoved by such a weak breeze? No matter how persistent it is? Does he weigh about two pounds?

Ibru
June 24th, 2020, 02:43 AM
I loved some of your metaphors but got bored. I cut it down and edited how I would if it were mine. From 434 words to 250.

Survarth stood atop the hill, surveying the ruins of Cretesteen. Hands clasped behind his back, and his eyes slightly squinted against the summer sun, he held the authoritative posture of a statue. His emerald vest made from woven braxweed, and trousers of bleached wool, made for an outfit of princely quality among the labourers, but it was ill-fitting. He was as strange a sight as the palace he peered at. The pillars rose at uneven heights and distances around a large oval in the ground, like the jagged end of a broken bone. It was surrounded by rows and rows of teeth-like buildings, in a complex network of roads that extended out about two miles, except where the city limits met a steep rocky bluff on the south western side. He concluded that the whole affair must have either been designed for a most peculiar trend of fashion, or in haste.

For ruins, they were in a remarkable condition, with no sign of cracks or crumbling across the face of the palace or the surrounding buildings, save for on the northern front. There, a swath of rubble lay where the network of roads and buildings should have been, as if a giant finger had swiped across the city, smearing it across the valley floor.

Suvarth came to his decision, nodded, and strode down from the rocky knoll. At the base, he leapt from a fallen boulder and landed on the trail without breaking stride. Forward to the great while complex.

Ghost_Horse
July 2nd, 2020, 06:52 AM
Thought this was brilliant in its descriptive nature, for a piece you claim has no future. Could be the start of something. It painted a picture and I wanted to know more about the ruins and why he was there? Was this just a writing exercise to write? In my mind, he was surveying not just something lost, but there with a purpose. I'm just getting back into journaling to rehone my writing. This is something that shows to me a picture of something more and leaves the reader wanting to explore his motives and his world further.

BitterLemon
July 3rd, 2020, 07:57 AM
Your description is balanced, which made it comfortable. I think this has already been pointed out, but your word choice definitely feels a bit too formal for a piece like this. At times, I got lost while trying to follow your imagery, so I think using less esoteric language would open this to a broader audience.

Psychosurrealism
July 9th, 2020, 01:22 PM
I found it quite easy to read which is always good. Although I wonder if you need to always say 'Survarth' when 'he' might be enough. Sounds a bit repetitive.

sirjohnnylotus
July 13th, 2020, 02:34 AM
I liked the imaginative metaphors used here. For instance, "...as if a giant finger fell from the clouds and swiped across the city, smearing it across the valley floor." Is a very good way of suggesting to the reader a visceral, almost divine image of some sort. I do agree with some other posters, that perhaps it is a tad verbose. I honestly don't mind. It's a good way of expanding and using one's lexicon, especially if it was a particular narrative style that you intend to maintain for an entire story. I have one question: what is "braxweed"? I attempted routine googling but nothing came up.

Psychosurrealism
July 15th, 2020, 02:13 PM
I agree with most of the above. It feels like you've tried too hard to describe every single aspect of the scene which is overkill. If this was an album it'd be a mid 70's prog album. Loosen up a bit and discover punk rock :)

Benjamin Button
January 10th, 2021, 05:32 PM
I think this is a good start. Maybe it could only use some simple sentences to help elaborate the descriptions.

TheMightyAz
January 11th, 2021, 07:28 PM
Sorry if there's formatting issues, posting from my phone.

Don't really have plans for this piece, mostly just exercising my ability to describe things.

Survarth stood unmoving against the weak but persistent breeze. Hands clasped behind his back, and his eyes (1) slightly squinted against the light, he held an authoritative posture typically reserved for sculptures. He wore an emerald vest made from woven braxweed, and trousers of bleached wool. It was an outfit of princely quality among labourer’s clothing, (2) but the way they fit him had an off-putting effect, as if someone had put clothes on a silver statue. From whichever angle, his form (3) seemed to suggest that a different sort of raiment was his natural (4) pair, but no observer could quite guess what.

(1) You don't need 'slightly' there. 'squinting' would do the job equally as well. (2) You've slipped into present tense with 'fit' here. I'd also reconsider 'off-putting effect'. It's rather nondescript because off-putting can mean many things to many people. (3) You can lose that. It either 'suggested' or it didn't. Suggested isn't a definite thing anyway which makes 'seemed to' redundant. (4) That's an unusual word, at least for me. Do you mean 'attire' and if 'pair' can be used that way, I've learned something new!

Before and above Survarth were the ruins of Cretesteen. (1) Impossibly white square pillars rose at uneven heights and distances along a large oval in the ground to form a (2) sort of palace. Surrounding it in radial segments were a network of roads lined with little square buildings, all as white as the palace above. (3) Small rectangular windows appeared on every side of the (4) cubular buildings, (5) including on the top face. The layers of roads and cubes extended outward for an (6) aproxamate 2 miles from the palace, except where the city limits met a steep rocky bluff on the south western side.

(1) 'Impossibly white' is also a little nondescript. I would reconsider that and perhaps find something white to compare it to. Something only YOU would think of. (2) There's that indecisiveness again. Try to avoid indecisiveness as much as possible. 'Slightly' needs care in using but in most cases 'seemed to', 'seemingly', 'sort of' etc, need to be eradicated at all costs. Be definite as much as possible. (3) This could be just a me thing but that makes it sound like they are manifesting in real time as the buildings are viewed. (4) Think about the word and what it natural implies in most cases. In this case, a cube is usually associated with something small. Like a 'sugar cube' for instance. That immediately shrunk the imagery for me. You could add 'vast' or 'large' but then again that would be an indication the word following isn't strong enough to carry the image itself. (5) I'm not clear on where those windows are placed. Is that on the roof or on the very top of the wall just before the roof? (6) Be definite. Just write 'for two miles'.

Survarth (1) supposed that there was an odd sort of beauty to the ruins, though the longer one started, the more confusing the square pillars would appear. Of course, from above the ruins would give a much more visceral impression; (2) the chaotic heights of the palace pillars resembling the jagged end of a broken bone, surrounded by rows and rows of teeth-like buildings. He concluded that the whole affair must have either been designed for a most peculiar trend of fashion, or in haste.

(1) 'Supposed', 'odd sort of'. Be confident. Be direct. Tell the reader EXACTLY what you're showing them. (2) This is more like it! This is YOU getting engaged with what you imagined. Use this as a rule of thumb when considering any rewrites. Good stuff.

(1) For ruins, they were in a remarkable condition. From where he stood, Survarth could not spot any cracks or crumbling across the face of the palace. Neither were the surrounding buildings with any blemish save for on the northern front. There, a swath of rubble lay where the network of roads and buildings should have been, (2) as if a giant finger fell from the clouds and swiped across the city, smearing it across the valley floor.

(1) Are ruins in remarkable condition, ruins at all? We have castles in Britain and then we have Castle Ruins. Generally speaking if what you're describing is ancient and in good condition, it just is what it is. (2) Here's were you are at play again, getting stuck right into your imagination and creating movement within the description. There are a few things though. If a finger 'fell' then the collision would be random but you've described it as 'swiping' which is intentional. You've also used 'smearing' which is associated with liquids. Just as an example and in no way meant to replace what you come up with yourself: 'as if a giant finger reached from the clouds and swiped across the city, scattering it across the valley floor'. Not great but I hope that gives you a better understanding of what I mean.

As if coming to a decision, Survarth nodded and strode down the rocky knoll where he had perched. Coming down to the base of the knoll, he took a small leap from a fallen boulder and landed on the trail without breaking stride. There, he continued unflinchingly towards the great white complex a few miles out. The trail leading to it was clearly formed only recently, but had seen heavy traffic since its formation.

Overall a pretty nice piece but with lots that needs tightening and rewriting (the fun part!) Good stuff, man.