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rickyknight1
October 17th, 2019, 03:39 AM
A mysterious event occurred to him once on a late summer night; the day started off as any other. Michael ate breakfast with his folks in the morning then waited ‘til about noon to go playing with the kids up street. The games made him lose track of time and soon, he was facing the soft glow of twilight. His parents would have a fit if he broke curfew, so he took off.

However, this was an especially troublesome predicament because there were some chilling disappearances lately. A few people from town told disturbing tales involving the occult, even claiming they found bloodstains on certain ground sites in the woods. Apparently, those who were captured were brought to rituals and then sacrificed.

Michael made it far as he could before getting coated under the black sky, then he began to breathe and sweat heavily as he made his way along a dirt trail he often used as a shortcut. Only catch was it ran through a vile forest, one standing between him and his destination. Once he finally took his first steps it felt as if the woods were alive, like it knew he was there.

Shortly after, he began to feel a maleficent spirit in the air, but kept walking along until he noticed something bizarre about the trees. They appeared to have manifested out of a very peculiar phantasm, the trunks and branches were contorted, and the trees themselves twisted in a ghastly manner in the shadows.

Each one a picturesque representation of some foul human emotions. Madness, despair, rage! All of which began to seep into his mind as everything around him started spinning, causing him to hurl as he fell to his knees. When suddenly a large group of bats came swooping in his area screeching and flying around in strange patterns.

The bats looked hungry as they swerved ferociously in the air and he didn’t want to stick around to prove it. He immediately took off running and kept going for a while but as he got further along the way and began to lose his breath, he made sure he didn’t stop until he was sure they were all gone. For the next forty yards or so he staggered like a drunkard with every inch, his body was tired enough to make him feel a hundred years old.

His darkest hour was now at hand; his spirit was broken, and his core passed its limits of exhaustion. Through the mere absurdness of it all, he fainted. Everything grew dimmer as he fell headlong to a would be grave. It must have been several hours before he was awakened briskly by the unfamiliar hands of his brawny neighbor. Who stooped down next to Michael and put his right arm over his shoulders.

“Here there.” The man said. Then he slowly lifted him up as Michael coughed and groaned, it was then that the boy realized there was a small gathering of people that came along. At the head of the pack he saw the face of his father, coming to his rescue. The lit candles gave him a sort of heroic hue as he stood there majestically- confident that his son would be all right. His hair was darker than usual, and his eyeglasses were with him as always, like a fierce warrior and his favorite weapon.

Bmble_B
October 26th, 2019, 03:24 AM
Hows it going rickyknight? :hi:

To start off, I really admire how you build your setting, that's a basic thing I notice people overlook when writing. You do a good job of making me feel what the character feels, especially when he stumbles into that ominous forest.

The only general critique I can think of (and this is being nitpicky) is your phrasing at certain times, it doesn't seem accidental, it's obvious that you've proofread this. I just found myself re-reading things more than I think I should have.

An example is the beginning of the last paragraph when the man said "Here there." That just kinda seemed like a weird way to say something like "There there." or "Easy now." which is what I'm assuming is the effect you were trying to go for.

Besides that, I really liked this, keep on writing.

rickyknight1
October 26th, 2019, 03:34 AM
That’s a funny thing to notice because I don’t speak English as well as my native language, so “Hey there” was the only thing I could think of.

Ralph Rotten
October 27th, 2019, 02:09 PM
Good bit of practice there. You seem to have a solid image of what you want to write.
But you have a tendency to flip back and forth between formal and informal speech patterns in your narration.
Lemme show you.
Red=formal
Blue=informal

A mysterious event occurred to him once on a late summer night; the day started off as any other. Michael ate breakfast with his folks in the morning then waited ‘til about noon to go playing with the kids up street. The games made him lose track of time and soon, he was facing the soft glow of twilight. His parents would have a fit if he broke curfew, so he took off.

Pick a style, formal or informal, and use that first paragraph to introduce & illustrate Michael...THEN begin the story. All we know about him is that his name is Michael, and he is young enough to play with kids up the street. You are rushing to tell the story, at the expense of your character.

rickyknight1
October 27th, 2019, 02:41 PM
Ralph Rotten, thank you for the advice. I will definitely consider them for my revision.

Ralph Rotten
October 27th, 2019, 11:03 PM
Go formal, or go informal. Both together don't work tho.

EternalGreen
July 20th, 2020, 04:51 PM
A pretty good read. You do a little describing rather than showing though, especially as the scene gets more intense. Slowing down the climax might help the reader get a hold of what happening. I know I had to read the ending twice.

rickyknight1
July 20th, 2020, 07:28 PM
Yes, I’m working on a revision.

Turnbull
July 24th, 2020, 02:55 AM
“Here there.” The man said. Then he slowly lifted him up as Michael coughed and groaned, it was then that the boy realized there was a small gathering of people that came along. At the head of the pack he saw the face of his father, coming to his rescue. The lit candles gave him a sort of heroic hue as he stood there majestically- confident that his son would be all right. His hair was darker than usual, and his eyeglasses were with him as always, like a fierce warrior and his favorite weapon.

Okay, so besides the aforementioned "hey there", it's best for dialogue to be kept in separate paragraphs. "that came along" can be entirely eliminated. As can "confident that his son would be alright." You're basically telling the reader how to feel at that point, and events should emote for themselves. The last sentence was confusing, as eyeglasses aren't really good for weaponry, so the metaphor doesn't make sense.

I like the idea and where you're going with it, but slow down and really take the time to describe things. Slowness can be good, especially when you're drawing the reader into a new environment.

rickyknight1
July 24th, 2020, 07:33 AM
Yes, you’re absolutely correct. Using a slower pace seems to be really needed in this piece.

Constantine1974
August 15th, 2020, 10:57 PM
Hey there rickyknight1. I'm new here and not real comfortable with critiquing other peoples work but I'd have to say i agree with Turnbull except there are times when the speed is nice and necessary. Other times, the pace needs to slow and give the reader an opportunity to catch their breath. In any case, I'm excited to catch the updates.