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View Full Version : Critique this dialogue Pt. 1



Art Man
August 23rd, 2019, 06:48 AM
"Hey man, check it out, now that he knows that someone is stalking him and he doesn't know who, we should play on that lack of knowledge."

"Like, what do you mean?"

"Well, since we hacked his phone and we know what he likes because we have his YouTube history right here, we should stalk him and get a good idea of his habits, his routine, okay? Then we start leaving visual clues for him too see on his routine. Never let him forget that he's being stalked, okay? That's our power over him. He will fear us, but he won't know who we are. But I got a plan that will both make him look crazy and get us off the hook because he will never suspect us."

"Oh yeah, what sort of plan?"

"Well, it's going to take some doing and some thought to pull it off, but we could somehow make him think that one of the celebrities on his YouTube stream is stalking him and trying to communicate with him using the clues that we place ourselves."

"Oh, I get it... make him believe its someone famous stalking him because who's gonna believe him if he told someone that a celebrity is stalking him? They'll say he's crazy! That's genius, man."

"Yeah, I know. He will be too scared to tell anyone and we could do anything we want to him. Man, sometimes I even amaze myself."

Umree
August 23rd, 2019, 07:16 AM
I think this conversation sounds natural, sort of has a "California" vibe to it, but I live there so maybe that's just me. The impression I get from these characters is that they are likely young men, probably skaters or surfers. If that hit the nail on the head, then I'd say you're doing well! If not, then maybe this can help:

I saw a Youtube video recently wherein the speaker discussed some things one can do to make dialogue sound more convincing.
1). Eavesdrop -> listening in on random people's conversations can give you a good sense of the way people speak in certain regions or circles.
2). Mumble -> in other words, read the dialogue aloud to yourself and see if it sounds normal.
3). Use short sentences -> Most people speak in short bursts and tend to cut out information. For example, how often do you hear someone say "have a seat in this chair by my desk", as opposed to "have a seat"? Also, people often interrupt each other.

I think the last point especially is one to keep in mind. I felt like the 3rd bit of dialogue was a lot of talking, perhaps adding indicators like this could be helpful in making it sound more natural: "Well, since we hacked his phone and we know what he likes because we have his YouTube history right here," he said, "we should stalk him..."

I hope that helps!

Art Man
August 23rd, 2019, 08:14 AM
Makes sense. Thanks!

Olly Buckle
October 7th, 2019, 10:59 PM
clues for him too see on his routine.

Check out 'to, too, two.' You want the first here, but it is worth using google to check them out so it sticks for future use.