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Jowqui
July 31st, 2019, 03:36 AM
This is my first story (part of story). I am eager to learn more. Please be brutal. Cheers.



Fyn strolled through the crowded, marble brick city; hand on his sword’s golden hilt, shouting for a fight. He doesn’t have duties today, but he thirsts for action. I scare them, he thought. Someone will fight, though. There’s always one fool. He was a skilled fighter. Since the day he picked up a sword few could match him. Everyone knows him. Everyone hates him, because, in his mind, he is better than them. His only friend is his sword, it has never let him down, doesn’t talk back, and doesn’t give him disgustful looks.
He wore a purple tunic, embroidered with gold filigree and a belt around his waist with a ruby encrusted in the centre. His jet-black hair curled to his strong, beardless jaw; his eyes were deep pools of black, flecked with turquoise.
“I’ll fight!” boomed a voice from the crowd. While the people formed a circle, a tall, grizzly man remained still. His mud-brown beard grazed his chest, thick arms bulged through his white woollen shirt. Fyn grinned, chin up. “You know who I am?” he asked breezily. The man shook his head. “You will learn soon enough.” He drew his sky-blue sword and arced it through the air. The challenger unsheathed his black sword, it was enveloped in a blood red glow and an argent inscription shimmered along the blade.
They circled each other, eyes locked on the others. Swiftly, Fyn stepped into a lunge; the challenger shifted then returned with a slash, and a curled black strand fell to the ground. Steel rang and orange needles scintillated. The crowd could hardly keep up with their movements; their coloured swords blended into a lilac blur. The clash echoed through the city and the crowd thickened. Fyn closed in and grazed the challenger’s stomach. He then slid back and felt blood trickle down his throat. Though only a scratch, it irritated him. He muttered a curse. After many hacks, slashes, and clangs, their swords felt heavy, both could barely stand.
Boots clacked on cobble stone; a part of the crowd formed a path and the inner circle was surrounded by soldiers, their cyanic armour clanked gently. “I see you’ve met Bine,” said a middle-aged man, armoured in deep blue leather. Fyn ran his fingers through his sodden hair. His gaze met solemn, emerald eyes. “Captain Lux,” said Fyn, smiling as ever. “Your timing is impeccable, I was going to see if he was better-looking on the inside.”
“I’m sure you were. Though, this is no way to treat a new guest. I suggest you return—”
“—New guest? Captain, who is this man?”
“You’ll find out soon enough. Now go to the barracks, Lieutenant.”
Fyn glanced at Bine and sauntered away.




I've enjoyed making this, though, honestly, it took a while. I have many ideas to carry it on such as create Fyn and Bine's relationship and go in depth on Bine's character and sword. I feel criticism may help at this point, to make sure I'm on the right lines, before I get too invested and end up writing a whole chapter.

- Is my punctuation correct?
- Does it produce a vivid image?


Cheers,

Jowqui

Bard_Daniel
July 31st, 2019, 09:07 PM
Hi Jowqui,

I think that this rings a little too purple for me. Your use of adjectives makes the entire portraiture seem like a cheap knock off of an actual incident than one that generates intensity and makes the reader want to read further- at least in my humble opinion. I don't want to tell you how to write- that's not in my bag. Rather, I would suggest that you carefully consider what you need and what you don't in this scene and distill the essence of it to get it across to your reader. How to do that is all up to you.

Keep on writin'!

LaMDoH123
September 8th, 2019, 11:34 PM
I'm no expert, but I feel like you went a little back and forth with the tense. "He doesn't have duties today" should be "He didn't have duties today." There's other places too, but nothing a quick read-over and some editing can't fix. As to producing a vivid image, the description of the two characters is ok. What's lacking is a description of the city. You say "crowded" and "marble-brick" but there's no real sense of place. No little details of children playing games, or shady dealings in alleys that make a fictional place feel real. The fight could also perhaps use a little more text devoted to it, but that might just be me. I like action.