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Periander
July 3rd, 2019, 05:24 PM
Is this an effective and well-written story? I dictated it to my mother when I was five years old. I'd love your feedback! Be brutally honest! Is it concise? Is it Pulitzer Prize-winning material? Or do you think it's too dark?


The Boy that Got Killed and a Monster Got Him


The other time there was gonna be a storm. The monster came to the storm and he saw the boy. Then the monster was gonna get him but he was really gonna make him lie. He was gonna make him a monster. Then he was gonna put some fire on him. But he was really gonna put thunder on him. And then he fell down and died because he had thunder on him. He was dead. Then he was alive. He got up and went into his home.

The End

Jim Creeper
July 24th, 2019, 09:53 PM
Incredible. That boy's a literary laureate. Your mom must've been so... confused. I mean the plot changes were really hard to keep up with. 😄

Jowqui
July 30th, 2019, 04:42 PM
For five years old, it wasn't bad.

Darren White
July 30th, 2019, 04:57 PM
That boy is gonna be an awesome writer when he grows up. Love the story :)

Constantine1974
August 16th, 2020, 12:02 AM
Loved it! Both mystical and whimsical. I wish I'd written that at the ripe old age of 5.

Constantine1974
August 16th, 2020, 12:04 AM
My first story was called the Magic Lollipop. I don't remember how old I was but it's gone now and I'll never get it back. I had an aunt who said she thought i should have published it in a kids magazine or something. Sure she was blowing smoke you know. But great little story nonetheless.

ehbowen
August 16th, 2020, 01:11 AM
Is this an effective and well-written story? I dictated it to my mother when I was five years old. I'd love your feedback! Be brutally honest! Is it concise? Is it Pulitzer Prize-winning material? Or do you think it's too dark?


The Boy that Got Killed and a Monster Got Him


The other time there was gonna be a storm. The monster came to the storm and he saw the boy. Then the monster was gonna get him but he was really gonna make him lie. He was gonna make him a monster. Then he was gonna put some fire on him. But he was really gonna put thunder on him. And then he fell down and died because he had thunder on him. He was dead. Then he was alive. He got up and went into his home.

The End

To be perfectly honest, I'd like to see more stories like this around. It's easy to find examples of how adults think and write. It's not so easy (well, at least for me, a childless bachelor!) to find actual examples of how youngsters think and write.

EternalGreen
August 26th, 2020, 10:31 PM
The visceral fear of not staying dead.

The best story written by a five-year-old I've ever read.

Olly Buckle
August 26th, 2020, 10:49 PM
Pretty good. I was sorting through old stuff after my mother died and came across a story she wrote as a little girl called 'Gertie and the moon fairy'. I would guess she was about seven or eight, so that would have been nineteen sixteen or seventeen. It is much more conventional than that and she went on to get a degree in English lit :)