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Abishai100
June 30th, 2019, 11:50 PM
I didn't want to retire from short-story writing without offering a vignette about urban crime, and this yarn is inspired by the film Police Story (Jackie Chan).

Thanks for reading (and have a sunny summer!),



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Captain Rez was New York's youngest appointed police-captain, and he wanted to remain close to the ground, making sure that the city's evildoers never had the audacity to dream that bureaucracy would drown out the valor of crime-fighters who cared for only one thing --- destroying evil. Therefore, Captain Rez never allowed personal ambition or urban politics to cloud his vision of police work. He graduated from Dartmouth College in 2010 with a degree in psychology, an education he applied rigorously to the evaluation and understanding of modern urban crime and sin.

Right now, it was summer in the year 2017, and Rez's NYPD office was dealing with reports of two new urban hellraisers who came into the proverbial spotlight. One was a druglord named Tully, a German-American who created ties to the Russian underground, which he used to sell chemical weapons to terrorists, so his evil dominion would gain in mythical proportions. The other was a Bronx gang-leader named Jerome who ordered his minions to dress up as cops so they could efficiently kill real NYPD policemen.

Rez knew that if Tully and Jerome went unchecked, his NYPD office and men would become sullied by journalists who would focus on the 'dazzling failure' of modern civics. This was, after all, the modern age of media, and proverbial gossip-networks could potentially interfere with normal traffic management and even wisdom. That's why Rez hired a special PR-woman named Dawn who'd 'ornament' the diligent effort of street-cops sacrificing normal life to bring down Tully and Jerome. Meanwhile, Rez would try to approach the 'realms' of Tully and Jerome to save New York's sanity!

TULLY: You know why I contacted you.
JEROME: Captain Rez and the police forces are targeting us!
TULLY: We have to work together, my sinister friend.
JEROME: We do both hate cops...brother.
TULLY: We'll have to corner Rez while he's dealing with us simultaneously!

Rez knew that Tully and Jerome might combine forces and work together in NY to expand their power-realms and confound the police and the city. Rez came up with a brilliant scheme. He'd use Dawn's help to create false stories about Tully and Jerome killing people who've recently gone missing or have disappeared. This would infuriate Tully/Jerome who'd despise the negative press. After all, even major criminals didn't want to be publicly blamed for the disappearances of random citizens!

After Dawn generated the false news-stories for The Post(!), Tully and Jerome went angry, as the New York underground suddenly wondered why a major druglord and gang-leader were being blamed for the disappearance (and possible deaths) of random New Yorkers! Tully and Jerome felt their reputation was being sullied and decided to order their allied minions to break into the NYPD station one late night, since Captain Rez worked there late and with only a few guards/policemen, and bring the 'idealistic captain' to their new shared lair, a lavish Sheraton Hotel suite in Manhattan.

TULLY: Do you know why you're in our suite, Rez?
REZ: Your goons did a fine job of kidnapping me!
JEROME: We suspect your office is linked to those false news-stories.

TULLY: I think you know, captain, we're innocent of those crimes.
REZ: Those stories are only conjectures that recent disappearances are linked to murder.
JEROME: Well, all of New York is saying, "Tully/Jerome are killing kidnap-victims!"

TULLY: We'll be destroyed by the candy-gossip alone...
REZ: Well, what the hell do you want me to do about it?
JEROME: We want your office to denounce these 'wild theories.'

TULLY: Unless you have a better notion, captain...
REZ: I do; you two can form a syndicate called Hydra that recruits vigilantes.
JEROME: Wow; Hydra would 'vigilantly' search for disappeared people!

TULLY: That's clever, Rez; you've gotten us thinking about working for the city!
REZ: It beats dealing with all the current 'negative press.'
JEROME: Alright, we'll do it; you've saved your own life, Rez!

TULLY: Who says 'extra-force' can't create urban magic?
REZ: I told you to help New York, not you two scoundrels.
JEROME: Warch your mouth, captain; we're no goats.

TULLY: The city is a 'cauldron' for cunning...
REZ: Americans care about disease!
JEROME: New York makes me want to toast 'weaponry.'

Captain Rez was returned home safely, and he'd managed to dupe Tully/Jerome, New York's hellraisers, into thinking coordinating a vigilante-group (called Hydra!) responsible for searching for disappeared/missing persons would clear their names if the false-gossip being circulated when in fact it would only raise deeper questions about the merits of formal criminals in serious civics missions. Rez told the NYPD PR-executive (Dawn) to write up the new stories about 'Hydra.' In time, the evil dominions of Tully and Jerome would be dwindled down into a 'black puddle of social sarcasm.' Rez became New York's ideal American engineer.

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:saturn:

Olly Buckle
July 1st, 2019, 12:09 AM
Right now, it was summer in the year 2017,
That is a real oxymoron, it is right now, or it was 2017, it can't be both.

Trollheart
September 4th, 2019, 07:02 PM
Not wishing to be over-critical here, but is this what they call an info-dump, there in the first two paragraphs? There's an awful lot of exposition thrown right at you which, if used correctly, could be broken up and disseminated, I feel, better and more organically through the story. To me, it gives the piece a very stilted feel.

H.Brown
September 20th, 2019, 05:57 PM
My first thought when reading this was about your dialogue tags, they read more like a script than narrative tags, maybe this is what you were going for but maybe change those to Tully said... Rez agreed...ect to me this makes the reading better as you get a feel for the conversations that are happening you can also use the dialogue tags tell us more about these characters and can add to the mood of the narrative. I would also chooseto use speech marks when the conversations are taking place.

Another thing that caught my eye is you use hyphens where i don't think they are needed for example police-captain and crime-fighters these do not need to be joined together with a hyphen in my opinion.

I did like the story but I think it needs more work to make it read fluidly and like a story rather than jumping between a narrative and a script. I hope this helps you.:)