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View Full Version : TRULY REVIVAL/osaga/FME{chapter samples/to tie or to splice}



kunox
June 23rd, 2019, 05:17 AM
I have come full circle on my mood. I got from today till the middle of July to write after 9pm till 5am... then the month after that to wrap up some projects.... this project I started on since around ten years ago. I know some of you know that I want to write my own open multiverse were the characters can jump between novels.. a sort of summer event like mcu but with novels instead of movies.. the problem is how to do it without confusing people. below I am posting several chapter samples that have not been edited to much but should maker it clear that I may need some advice on what to do from here. I am wondering should I make this one book. if not how should I go about making sure people get what I am doing between books. so far the authors pen{a fictional construct that gives the character that has it the ability to rewrite the novel itself thus the fates like in truly. you'll see were I am going wit this but note I am asking should I make these chapters part of one novel or two. that and the errors have not been accounted for.. I am literally a character in these chapters so yes the forth wall is a literal thing here.. I mentioned I may be the god of my own books.. I made it so.. so should these be one book or different books as long as they ave a lining thread.. will that make since though or will it confuse people.
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Chapter Seven: Truthful Lies



Plight stood on the front steps of a street, square one foot planted on a statue honoring the demi-fates themselves with the look of madness on her face. All around her where grey and golden buildings with names of fates carved into them. Each building had one name on it and only one door. She stood in front of a city hall like building that lit up the whole city with a radiant golden light. In front of this building and Plight herself stood an army of nearly identical teenage girls. Each being a different race and a few were different species. Each had a different style and aura of energy about them. They looked nearly identical besides a few minor details. The even moved as one.

Plight waved her hand out in front of her and the girls went silent as they all did as she did. "This is our salute from now on I want you to remember your allegiance to me. Accept my words as the truest of Truth's words. Each of you are on my body from now on. All of you are a part of me either way because each of you were born from my energy of the world known as the elemental factory." Plight said as the girls just nodded in agreement as they hanged on every word. Thus, Your friends and allies are my friends and allies. Your enemies, that hate me are my enemies that we will crush. We will defeat all. To not only end the Lies that have been spread about all but the ones known as the Demi-fates If we so need to. We do this to honor my true love the Fate of Truth. Do you hear me." Plight said as the masses of teenage girls cheers echoed off the walls. As they cheered it seemed that only three of them stood there confused. They looked around and one of them clad in black and red waved her hands trying to get Plight's attention..

"Ma'am. May Delia ask you a dumb question. It's kind of a smart question if you ask me or at least Delia would think so." The girl inquired as the crowd calmed down Plight looked at girl with as much kindness as she could muster. The two girls to each side, one clad in blue, one clad in white nodded along.

"What is it my young one. Ask the truth shall be yours. The truth is but yours if you only you ask it of me." Plight softly spoke as if to a child.

"Why are we trying to destroy order or chaos? Delia thinks it's odd that we'd want to do both. I mean, why both? Why not just pig out on jelly donuts? It's way easier than trying to figure out a system without either." The girl asked and then is interrupted by a girl in black dress and a black rose in her left hand.

"So we can end all things. It will be a good thing to finish such a project. In the end Ms. Plight will remint us all into her image and take us to the promised land. Duh." The teenage girl angrily spat.

The army of teenage girls cheered in unison as only the teenage girl shrugged her shoulders and is followed by two of their shoulders and started to walk away.

"Where do you think you are going. Aren't you destined to enact a master plights plan?" Demise said as Plight puts her hand on his shoulders, stopping him from pursuing them any further.

. "Don't worry about those three they are beyond my control. Let us focus on what we can control." She said and then gave the order to hunt and kill lies but do not touch F-8.Leave her fall for me and me alone. The teenage girls headed in all directions scouring the land as the three girls that Plight couldn't control stood there and watched on dumbfounded.

"Such a waste of effort. If they only had minds of their own they'd realize that they are being used to no end." The blue clad teenage girl that that was one of the three said in a British accent to the red clad one as the third teenage girl looked into the sky.

"Delilah thinks we can do nothing about them. They ate too many ways to lose. She knows what we can do. Get our revenge on the one known as Plight for taking so many people's free will. In the end that is our goal. I think. Isn't that right star gazer."

The ref clad girl said as the white clad girl kept staring into the sky that had an aurora Borealis that was the night sky around the capital.

As the three started to plot, they smiled with devil grins.

Chapter Seven Part B

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Truth Tears, favor, and F-8 walked towards the capital of heaven. There it is in the distance the records of the Fates of all. It is a sight for sore eyes after all the walking we've done." Truth pointed to a blue tower in the distance as F-8 walked past Truth and then turned to face him

"I feel it it's in that tower. One of the Authors Pens is near. I can see so many fates have already been rewritten by her and she is in our path. Plight herself, seek unknown ends. It's as if she is a different person now. Like the old her has been ripped out of her and what's left isn't good." F-8 said with rage and a balled up fist.

Truth frowned at as F-8 demanded answers. "You're going to forgive her aren't you. Even with the free will you have been given nothing really has changed. It's all coming down to that." F-8 said and then spun back around to look at the blue tower.

"Please forgive me if I do. I know you are too young to understand this despite you physically being older than me, but you haven't even aged for a year yet. You have much to learn in the end. Either way she is my true love. I know she can still be good. The person she is hasn't changed at all. I can feel that within my heart. I know that lies was the one that was pulling the strings due to Time himself. I beg you to forgive me though if I do what I must to set things right." Truth begged F-8 for forgiveness as she tried to calm herself but failed.

Truth's words only made her more angry as she gave up. "I know you Truth. Like I know every being that isn't currently a theed. It's inevitable, you are blinded by love. In the end you'll have to learn about your so called wife the hard way. By following the path set in front of you. Even if that path leads to the multiverse catching on fire, you will not change your mind. It's all because you refuse to see the bad in the people right in front of you." F-8 offered.

"That's the thing. If I learned one thing. The multiverse is always going to end. They're always going to be someone to, take over, rewrite, or destroy the multiverse and there is nothing none of us can do about that fact if we wish to be free. Fires are a many and way more of them to put out than you ever will know. I promise you this F-8 even though I've decided to become an Ex-fate I will be the ultimate custodian and protector of the universe. In the end, I promise that to you," Truth vowed as F-8 turned back around and smiled.

"Thank you. It may be the multiverses undoing, but I'll thank you in the end. Let's get going Plight's just ahead of us waiting at the towers entrance." F-8 said as the group headed toward the tower.



Chapter seven part B

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Lies minions scurried around in an area they looked liked the area Plight had sent her troops off from. They were finishing preparations for battle as Lies grew angrier by the moment.

"Fat Liars. All of you, are you disgust me.." Lies yelled at his minions as they tell him that he has sealed victory for himself. Yeah, If that was so why do I feel like it is not?" Lies offered in raged at the prospects as they were.

"May I interrupt? I just wanted to give you an offer you may not want to turn down." The Demi-fate of mud walked over toward the reverse capital.

"Lies looked over at Mr. Mud and then ordered his minions give him a seat. Two of the minions run over with a small throne set it beside Mud.

"You are so kind but I will not be needing it. I may ok old as the Demi-fate called Dirt but I am the fate that is only half his age. So I will be fine standing if you don't mind.."Mr. Mud said as lies minions fled the area.

"I know you have come to save me. How I know that I don't know. I feel the truth for some reason. That's not an ability of mine. So why do I all the sudden have his abilities?" Lies begged Mud for an answer,

"It's simple, time was never your a lie. He knew that could ultimately overthrow his so called perfected multiverse. So he not only made a the antiforce to truth but inside you is the antiforce to lies. Mixed in with it." Mud said as lies looked shocked.

"You are slowly gaining the powers of truth because you are slowly becoming not yourself. Thus, your personality is being erased.' Mud continued. "In the end, even you would be that truthful with yourself. You would of lied till you died. In the end, it's your ultimate fate to die friendless and alone." Mud finished as lies felt of his chest and started coughing.

"It has to get out of me. I must live on to destroy Truth. He must not win." Lies said, wheezing and suddenly out of breath,

"You'll never get it out that way. It's deep within you now. Slowly erasing your mind if nothing is done." Mud offered.

Lies started begging mud to do something as Mud smiled. "I will do the one unforgivable thing that Truth will hate me for the rest of existence if you do me one favor." Mud offered.

"What's that. I will do anything as long as I get to stomp him out of any meaningfulness he has left.

"It's simple. You are to give up the control you have of the anti-fates to your minion Plight." Mud's offered.

"Lies did a double take. "Wait, what?" Les looked confused. He grabbed his head as pain ripped through it. He fell onto the ground."Ok, you get your wish. Control of their minds is now hers if you just give her this." Lies Pulled a red mass out of his chest and handed it to Mud himself. Mud thanked him as a golden gate with the number four on it and the name De-lies, appeared from behind him and an unknown force dragged him in.

Chapter Seven part C

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Truth and F-8 arrived in front of the gate that lead to the tower of records. "I see you have arrived with F-8 in toe. It's good to see that you all have made it to the tower in one piece." Plight says as she can be seen drinking a familiar wine.

"It's good to see that you have as well. If you don't mind, we got some work to do. You will have to wait." Truth asked of Plight.

"Yes, you do. I wouldn't go this way. It is trapped to no end. Time would have it no other way." Plight warned truth.

As Plight and truth talked F-8 quieted her mind and closed her eyes. As she does so, she sees the many possibilities that can happen from here. Truth pats F-8 on the shoulder as she opened her eyes.

"Let's get things started." The pen is going to be near the second entrance. Apparently time knew I might come here and was prepared for that inevitability." Truth offered as Plight walked over to another of the Trower's entrances.

As the three walked in Truth noted that the security measures that guarded the pen were dealt with. He took his opportunity to head toward. Just before Truth can take the white pen with two names in black writing on it.

"Hold on for a second. I have an offer for you. One that may lead to a solution to all of this." Plight coyly sauntered by.

"Yes, I am listening. You have a better solution to this whole debacle?" Truth looked on curiously.

"It's simple, all you would have to do is cheat the fates out of their power. You can do it with that pen in hand. Out can write them into oblivion, all you'd have to do is forsake wisdom." Plight offered as F-8 did a face palm.

"That is true, It can be done here, but isn't the rule that they destroy the Fates ultimately become Fates in the end." Truth pointed out.

Plight stopped walking and sat on a nearby wall. "That is the Truth. You could even write that the universe would restore it to its pre time state. Like I said, though you will ultimately forsake wisdom doing so." Plight offered.

Truth thought for a second and then started writing in the air. As he did so Plight smiled. F-8 knew that she had won and left outside to get some fresh air.

As she did so her own words echoed in her mind. If only I had known back then what I known now. I wouldn't have lost Truth with lies and time to the gates themselves. F-8 kicked the door of the second entrance, but as she did so a second voicer entered her head. The voice of Sareen. You can change it if you so wish. You are the only one that can. Save us from Plight's Truths.

As she heard this, time slowed. The voice said. Then the voices of crossroads maze came in seeking for the fact all came in fours.

"Everything comes in fours. Then why would there only be two pens. I mean, aren't these authors pens made of Doppler. F-8 thought to herself and then walked back into the room and looked around. She grabbed a nearby blue pen with the two names on it and started writing a few changes to the multiverses fate herself and then hid the pen in a nearby desk. A moment later and the flow of time had returned to normal.

"Good, you are now justice. Let the fate of Time be cast off and reborn as an ex-fate who will cheat the fates themselves and save us all. A white a black and white shadow peeks off of Truth as a Green aura comes of the newly formed fate of Justice.

"I have forsaken wisdom itself for you." The fate of Justice said asF-8 snuck off.

After seeing she so she found truth setting on a nearby wall frowning. "I guess you were right. She was lying, her lies were so deeply set into my mind that I rewrote it all. In the end, though you lied to. You rewrote my fate and thus set me and my ex-wife down a path to one of our destruction."

"You know Truth. I believed you when you said you wanted to become the ultimate custodian of the multiverses. That was the desire that was most in your heart. In the end, though I leave the choice of whether you want to follow this path up to you." F-8 said as a golden gate formed behind her with an infinity symbol and the G-8 written on it. F-8 smiled oddly as the gate opened. A clear energy is leached off her as she returned to her younger self. Truth left the area as the everything in the area turned into a white goo. And reversed course to as the white wave they had been times universe washed back over the multiverse.



Chapter Seven Part D

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It had been a day since the universe had restored it back to normality. "The land of Skunara never looked so peaceful." The Demi-fate of mud offered as he stood facing plight standing under the black obelisk that Lies had freed himself near. "So, you think you can do a better job of dealing with chaos than lies. The chaos force known as free will and the destructive potential of the force known as order will always be out of balance. What makes you think you can end it. It's a fool's errand. And one we have tried to do since the beginning." He continued as plight grimed a terrifying grin.

"Trust me. You alone can't destroy free will. Not even the galactic destruction of the fates can bring an end to the chaos of mind. I think you have been going about it wrong. You see, you're trying to destroy the balance of the multiverse via the stuff within the multiverse. Doing so is a fool's errand as you say. To destroy something this vast with something within that vastness will only lead to a small chunk of it missing. Your problem still continues. Though it is temporarily burdened by your effort." Plight offered as The demi-fate of Mud looked intrigued.

"So you think you have a solution to the problem. You think that you can unbalance the multiverse, so that we are the only ones that are left." Mud said.

"No. I think that in all things. If you want to destroy or unbalance a cake such a the multiverse. You've got to become the chief. In the end, it's the chef that makes the cake. The clock maker that makes the watch. The writer that spins the tale. The source of all." Plight said.

"But, that would be unheard of. We would be as gods." Mud looked confused but happy.

"Why would we need to be gods. Our ascension means being more than that. In the end. We will start it, but only, I, the illness of the multiverse will end it. So let's shake on it. Truce for lies sake." Plight offered as she held one hand out offering a treaty and the other behind her back with her fingers crossed.

Mud laughed for a second, but then shook Plights hand. "Lady you make one hell of an offer, but what about truth. Your husband. Won't he hate what you've become.?' Mud offered.

"I guess you still don't remember, such a shame too. Let's just say. In another age in another time lost beyond the gates. I chose lies and you chose time and both of us were better off doing so either way. For me it worked out fine. I became stronger than my ex-master and became the one to lead the anti-fates and you were better off leaving time unminted for now. He would have betrayed you due to errors in his own character." Plight said as Mud looked even more confused. After a few seconds Mud pulled out a contract and Plight a red pin with the names on them and Plight signed the contract itself."

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Book: Full Meta Of Eden

Chapter Fifteen: Of Death's Head





Gavel lay there with his eyes closed as he could hear the lumbering Death moving dead bodies across the ground.

"The harvest is such a fun ritual. Too bad my mom isn't here to taste the sweetness of such a victory. It is sweet." Death said as Gavel dared to open one of his eyes to see what had become of Eagles Perch. As he did so he saw many purple floating orbs chained to dead bodies as two of deaths incarnation and Deaths many reaper minions took it upon themselves to feast off the orbs themselves. The woman in the white tuxedo and the headless biker took their time cutting the chains and devouring the purple orbs. As they did so Gavel trembled in fear.

"Takes forever though. I am rushing more souls to you." A minion said as he took an arm load of purple orbs to Death. Death slowly smiled

"Death is always in a hurry. If I don't hurry with my slow pass. I would surely lose all to Time and the quick rush of life." Death said as Gavel turned slowly over and tried to sneak out of the room.

"And where do you think you are going? You are the guest of honor this evening." Death said as he slowly turned to face Gavel.

Gavel took no and sprinted only to be surprised as death rode his motorbike around him and then parked it right in front of the supply rooms only exit. "You heard me, where do you think you're going. You still have to show me where Young Jamin is hiding.

"Rats, and I thought you were too slow to keep up." Gavel cursed as The other incarnation of Death touched him from behind on the shoulder with the cold icy hand on her beautiful side. This chilled Gavel to the bone as he hopped away and turned around to see the white tuxedoed woman going tisk tisk,

"That's what most people think. They think that they can beat me because I am always rushing through the battle. They think I will make a Mistake with a combination of my slow crawl and my fast paced mind, but many have found that ultimately I will win in the end,

"Gavel frowned as he looked at the half burnt girl realizing this is exactly where he saw his end," he felt through his pockets and grabbed a fountain pen a did a double take as he pulled he saw it in his hand. "Wait, what? The pen is real. I thought that was just a dream." Gavel said as both incarnations of Death just shook his head as Gavel faced the headless Death as Death's female incarnation came up behind him with a smile on her face.

"In the end this is your last destination. So I pity." The female said.

"Why that. I mean, your winning right, why do pity the loser of a fight." Gavel asked.

Both incarnations of Death thought for a second and then the headless biker death rode over to beside Gavel and put his cold pointy finger into his chest. This made Gavel jump back and bump into. Death's other incarnation

"It's because ultimate you get the one thing I will never have, the one thing I beg for since day one of becoming me." Death said as Gavel tried to move away, but Death's female form held him in place.

"What's that, a swift kick in the junk." Gavel offered as Death laughed.

"No. The thing I have always wanted. A Life's purpose." Death offered as Gavel recognized what

Death had just said.

"So living forever has robbed you of the beauty of that having an end gives everyone. Well, what can I say that's the beauty of Death. It's the quickest way to meaning."

Death laughed with recognition. "He gets it no ever gets it. . You would be the first to ever get why I live in torment, why I will never be happy till my mom becomes god basically." Death said as the it let go of Gavel.

Gavel moved to the far corner of the room between two shelves. "You what, I think such insight deserves a reward. Do want to know my secret." Death asked as he rode over to beside Gavel and held. The lantern to up to Gavel,

Gavel just nodded his head as he eyed a clock not knowing what to do, "for each culture there is a version of me. A spirit of Death or Shinigami so to speak. For every culture there is a version of my or maybe several, she is the Hel Libatebena, the beauty of Death the carnival versions of me are called farewell to the flesh also known as carnivals. There are so many Shinigami of maybe five for each culture well, maybe there is more. I've lost count, but this a one is the stands before you is the best one. Do you want to know why? " Death offered as Gavel shook his head no.

"Look, something tells me your going to tell me anyway. I am a captive audience after all. So let's get this over with. Please!" Gavel said as Hel shook her head.

"Fair enough." The biker death chuckled and then reached into his satchel and pulled out a severed head into his bag and pulled out a severed head,"This is what bind me to this world. If I lose this I will die as well one day. Any last words now, death said as he raised his scythe with his free hand and prepared to strike.

"Yeah, what's the deal with this freakin, I mean I didn't have it on me before the dream. It was in my dream, but now it's in my hand. What is its deal." Gavel exclaimed as looked cross-eyed for a second.

" I tell you all that and all you want to know about is a stupid fountain pen. Shesh." Death said as Gavel raised the fountain pen into the air and readied to strike.

Whatever," Gavel said and then struck deaths severed head as death put it plunged it into Death's head. The fountain pen filled and death froze stunned for a second as both his incarnation shook with pain." Gavel grabbed the pin after it finished filling and then took off under Death Left arm and ran to hide in the best place he could find. Gavel noted that every reaper fell unconscious as the winced with pain as well, Death pulled his head back into its protective casing. As the lady Hel version of him moved into the hallway that Gavel went into.

"That was a nice trick. Maybe I shouldn't have opened up my softer side to you." Death's Lady form said as she moved down the hallway frustrated and physically shaking with pain,"

Gavel hid around a nearby corner under a table with a cloth on it. "Great, now he, she, it, is, whatever it is, is angry. I got away, but to what end."Gavel whispered as he put the pen back into his pocket, he took a peek out of his hiding space and saw death's motor cycle with him on it, ride with as the repairs that were with him helped him look for Gavel." I am guessing they're all hunting for me now. It's not like I will make it out alive. I mean this pen did allow me to delay the inevitable, but it really is just a stupid fountain pen for now until I know how to use it. Gavel offered as low as he could speak.

Just as he was about to move a scythe came through the table straight into Gavel's head with a killing blow.

Chapter Fifteen Part B

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"What could you possibly offer Eden that she would possibly want. I mean Meta Eden at That. I think I know what you can offer my sister that would cause a lot of conflict between the two or herself." Bradley asked.

"That's exactly it though. I know. You know. Heck, even Wilka and Lense know by know what adult base Eden wants and if Base Eden gets what she wants then the system is doomed." Ranti offered.

"No, wait, but isn't my sisters mission." Bradley shuttered at the thought that just passed his mind.

"That's right, if she saves Gavel she cannot save the system as the World Phoenix. It's a shame to every time Base Eden has won over Meta Eden She saves Gavel leaving me stuck in this giant crystal ball and thus the bad guys are doomed to win. If this keeps up, yada, yada, yada. Rinse and repeat while hopefully using moisturizer. You know this is getting old the trillionth time it's done. Here are your two doors. Blah, blah, blah. The one on the right leads to Gavel. Just make sure it doesn't hit your tailbone too hard on the way to ruining everything again." Ranty offers as two doors pop out of the ground as if they were liquid metal. As Eden rolled her eyes heading toward the one on the left as if she had enough of this stride. As she walked toward the door, she paced back and forth and started mumbling to herself. Her face grew vacant as went back to her younger self. 'I am not letting you win you old crow. Can't you see nothing means more than love?" Eden said and then turned back into Meta Eden. "You petulant little child. How many times do we got to go around these cycles till you realize that we are needed else where. The system will be Morigan's if we keep doing this. Can't you see.?" Meta Eden angrily spat and then her voice trailed off as she turned back into Base Eden.

Bradley looked shocked and was unsure what to do as Wilka and Lense came into the cave confused.

"So this just goes on back and forth for two hours till Base Eden wins and we're doomed. We are doomed." Ranty sighed.

"That's horrible. We can't change, anything can we. I mean, if we do will it change anything or will it?" Lense offered.

"Maybe, maybe not." Ranty said again as inside the crystal ball turned into one of a compass that pointed to Bradley. "Yeah, that's the only person that can change anything for now, but I don't think he's got much time. He's got half an hour till Eden is unreachable to the argument that is roaring on. He's already changed one thing. Can he do it again? I have no clue. It's worth a shot though." Ranty said as Eden kept changing her forms as the argument roared on.

"Him? I get that. But why? And what did he change?" Wilka asked.

"Yeah, know by this time in every cycle he's dead by now. Died because Morigan killed you back at the four doors. I know because Eden morns him before moving on. Not sure why, but someone used the Authors pin not only saving Bradley but Bradley in turn saves Klume from his fate with the last test." Ranty sighed again.

Bradly walked forward] as he put his hand on the crystal ball. As Klume got back to his feet.

"I would have chosen that fate. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with me. Why would I have?" Klume offered.

"That's right. How would you even have known? If I didn't use those follow up questions. No, you're right, someone is changing things and I think I know now, who but You said he was dead." Bradley offered.

"I know he's dead look." ranty said as the crystal ball turned into an image of Gavel lying dead on the floor where death had left him.

"That's what those spirits meant. Ranty can you zoom in on there?" Bradly asked of the Ranty.

"What. Okay, I will then." The image in the crystal ball shows Gavel's wrote hand with the pin.

"Somebody save me." Bradly read aloud. "That's why Meta Eden loses every time. This pin. If I am rewriting it can causality. I remember the day we built it into the system. We didn't tell Gavel. We wanted it to be a back door, but why does Gavel even have it. It shouldn't be in the normal system." Bradly offered.

"True what's this have to do with the spirits we saw," Lense asked.

"The spirits said you two were sent to protect. Maybe this is a change that whoever made to get Eden to move on and save Gavel."

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Book: Truly 5th revival of Fates



Chapter One: F-8 dies





A middle aged woman who wore white robes and had black wings sat on a thrown. She wore a jester's cap and looked at an old woman smiled and bowed.

"You finally rule now. You now are in charge of heaven itself." The old woman said as cheering from distant people can be heard all hail lady F-8.

"Yes, It took me thousands years, but I finally did the impossible. Take your throne." The woman offered as a crown is put on her head,

"May I smile at you as you rule this heavenly plan. Till the truth return."

The old lady said as a crown is put on the woman's head. "Incoming." A voice yelled as this happens the room floods with from the huge white doors as one of them is kicked in. The floor scorched and a twenty year old black man and a man in a business suit are dragged in the by a woman of Hispanic origins in red cybernetic glowing armor.

"What is this. How dare you break into the throne room?" The old woman said and then dropped to her knees in recognition of who was standing there and who she she dragged in. "The Fates of Time, and Dreams respectably. Why Torko. Why have you betrayed us.? She asked of the Latin woman.

The Latin woman wobbled for a second as if she was made of water. "I can't. I must not kill F-8. She. Doesn't deserve this. Truth, why have you betrayed us all. You coward." The woman in red cybernetic armor burst forward with rockets that were built into the back of her suit. F-8 steeped into the way summoning a giant flat sword to act as a wall to protect her from the assault only to find that The woman known as Torko hand burst through it and grabbed her heart. As the old woman fell back F-8 yelled out her sister's name,

"Why?" She asked and then took to a door at the top of the room's balcony.

"Torko flew in behind her and does the same attack to her with her opposite hand." Slamming F-8 through the door and out into a room with a mirror.

As F-8 fell over

Torko now had the hearts of both F-8 and Favor in her hands. Clocks appear all over the sky while a single tear rolled down torko's face. After this happened the being known as Torko separate into three identical, but with beings but different nationalities. They all three dropped to their knees with tear filled eyes.

"One of them dressed in red camouflage pants and similar red shirt. Get Favor."Quickly we haven't much time. She order the other two.

"Why it's over. In the end he has gone mad and won. What is there left to do it all ends here."? The woman in blue Camo on said with a British accent.

"They will not die. I will remint them. Anew." She said and then went over to the mirror as the blue clad woman grabbed F-8 and headed into a room with a clear plastic wall and a control panel.

"Genius. That will do Torchette. That will do. The white clad woman with a liquid aurora Borialess said and then flew with great speed and rainbow energy out of the room into the throne room and swooped up Favor.

As The red clad woman. Started went to the control panels and started the process as golden walls with the number four on filled the sky. "Here goes nothing." The red clad woman said as several spinning looms on mechanical arms move over and started going over F-8's chest hole. F-8 lay there going on unconsciously as green door with the number five on it appear in the room and green energy came fourth and flowed out to everywhere and affecting everything. Torchette finished and as she did so, she looked back to see a brown hair man in blue jeans and a black T-shirt. "Listen here, You will be my successor. You will be God of the all one day. That I tell you. But why?" The man said and then the door slammed shut the clocks disappear and the walls with golden shimmer brightly in the sky.
I would follow as in believing in the words of good moral leaders. Rather than the beliefs of oneself.
The most difficult thing for a writer to comprehend is to experience silence, so speak up.

Theglasshouse
June 23rd, 2019, 06:50 PM
Plight stood on the front steps of a street square one foot planted on a statue honoring the demi-fates themselves with the look of madness on her face. All around her where grey and golden buildings with names of fates carved into them. Each building had one name on it and only one door. She stood in front of a city hall like building that lit up the whole city with a radiant golden light. In front of this building and Plight herself stood army of nearly identical teenage girls. Each being a different race and a few were different species. Each had a different style and aura of energy about them. They looked nearly identical besides a few minor details. The even moved as one.

I am afraid this is still a draft. Going by the first paragraph you tell but don't show. Plight has a look of madness on his face. This madness can be displayed different ways by the character. When I usually think of madness, I think of people who can display it by action. I would think it over. Do you perhaps mean a different word here? Of course this raises a lot of questions. Why didn't he or she know about these people before? What is now the time for knowing this information? Does this feel like something that happens? Sounds like he needs a reaction. What does this motivate him to do? There's a lot of things going on in the 1st paragraph that could be worded better.

You imply a character that thinks he is mad, I am reminded of a story by edgar allen poe in the tell tale heart and other stories. I don't know if you ever read it for class.



Plight waved her hand out infront of her and the girls went silent as they all did as she did. “This is our salute from now on I want you to remember your allegiance to me. Accept my words as the truest of Truth’s words. Each of you are of my body from now on. All of you are a part of me either way because each of you were born from my energy on the world known as the elemental factory.” Plight said as the girls just nodded in agreement as they hanged on every word. Thuis, Your friends andaliesare my friends and allies. Your enemies that hate me are my enemies that we will crush. We will defeat all. To not only end the Lies that have been spread about all but the ones known as the Demi-fates If we so need to. We do this to honor my true love the Fate of Truth. Do you hear me.” Plight said as the masses of teenage girls cheers echoed off the walls. As they cheered it seemed that only three of them stood their confused. They looked around and one of them clad in black and red waved her hands trying to get Plight’s attention..

So plight is the leader of these girls? If I am understanding correctly the story. If that is the case, the earlier paragraph needs to be changed. The narrator says it was madness he felt, but we are not shown the madness. What kind of madness I wonder now? Is it of want of power? Of course right now there is no real plot problem, and I am wondering whether you confused the previous paragraph's ideas. Because when he sees the girls he is mad. This logic is not working. But I will still give your work a read.


“Ma’am. May Delia ask you a dumb question. It’s kind of a smart question if you ask me or at least Delia would think so.” The girl inquired as the crowd calmed down Plight looked at girl with as much kindness as she could muster. The two girls to each side, one clad in blue, one clad in white nodded along.
“What is it my young one. Ask the the truth shall be yours. The truth is but yours if you only you ask it of me.” Plights softly spoke as if to a child.
“Why are we trying to destroy order or chaos? Delia thinks it’s odd that we’d want to do both. I mean why both? Why not just pig out on jelly donuts? It’s way easier than trying to figure out a system without either.” The girl asked and then is interrupted by by a girl in black dress and a black rose in her left hand.
“So we can end all things. It will be a good thing to finish such a project. In the end Ms. plight will remint us all into her image and take us to the promised land.

To find the promised land is the problem? I do wonder what this means, but will keep reading to find out. You can't leave some promises made for readers broken.



Duh.” The teenage girl angril spat.
The army of teenage girls cheered in unison as only the teenage girl shrugged her shoulders and is followed by two of their shoulders and started to walk away.
“Where do you think you are going. Aren’t you destined to enact master plights plan.” Demise said as Plight put her hand on his shoulders stopping him from pursuing them any further.
. “Don't worry about those three they are beyond my control. Let us focus on what we can control.” she said and then gave the order to hunt and kill lies but do not touch F-8.Leave her fall to me and me alone. The teenage girls headed in all direction scouring the land as the three girls that Plight couldn't control stood there and watched on dumbfounded.
“Such a waste of effort. If they only had minds of their own they’d realise that they are being used to no end.” The blue clad teenage girl that that was one of the three said in a british accent to the red clad one as the third teenage girl looked into the sky.
“Delilah thinks we can do nothing about them. They ate to many way to lost.she knows what we can do. Get our revenge on the one known as Plight for taking so many people’s free will. In the end that is our goal.I think. Isn’t that right star gazer.”
The ref clad girl said as tje white clad girl kept staring into the sky that had a aurora borealis that was the night sky around the capital.
As the three started to plot they smiled with devils grins.
Chapter Seven Part B

This paragraph seems out of place, because you need to transition better. Where is plight when they say this? He surely can't be next to them? And if they all look similar (the teenage girls)? That would be a problem since I think it causes a sense of worry. What if they commit crimes, and can't be held accountable? Because of poor witness testimony. I am going to say they have plans that would or cannot be said in front of plight. Don't you see the problem? This needs to be in the second section where you divide it. Or simply say plight went on a train and left, and continue the scene with the action.


Lies minions scurried around in a area the looked liked the area Plight had sent her troopes off from. The were finishing preparations for battle as Lies grew angrier by the moment.
“Fat Liars. All of you are you discussed me..” Lies yelled at his minions as they tell him that he has sealed victory for himself. Yeah, If that was so why do I feel like it is not?” Lies offered in raged at the prospects as they were.
“May i interrupt? I just wanted to give you a offer you may not want to turn down.” the Demi-fate of mud walked over toward the reverse capital.
“Lies looked over at Mr. Mud and then ordered his minions give him a seat. Two of the minions run over with a small throne set it beside Mud.
“You are so kind but I will not be needing it. I may ok old as the Demi-fate called Dirt but I am the fate that is only half his age. So I will be fine standing if you don’t mind..”Mr. Mud said as lies minions fled the area.
“I know you have come to save me. How I know that I don’t know. II feel the truth for some reason. That’s not a ability of mine. So why do i all the sudden have his abilities?” Lies begged Mud for a answer,

This is interesting but there is a lot going on. I feel you need to make the plot simple. If necessary you could always ask, will the girls get revenge on plight? Will they enter paradise? At the end of the story paradise is a gate you enter.



Lies minions scurried around in a area the looked liked the area Plight had sent her troopes off from. The were finishing preparations for battle as Lies grew angrier by the moment.
“Fat Liars. All of you are you discussed me..” Lies yelled at his minions as they tell him that he has sealed victory for himself. Yeah, If that was so why do I feel like it is not?” Lies offered in raged at the prospects as they were.
“May i interrupt? I just wanted to give you a offer you may not want to turn down.” the Demi-fate of mud walked over toward the reverse capital.
“Lies looked over at Mr. Mud and then ordered his minions give him a seat. Two of the minions run over with a small throne set it beside Mud.
“You are so kind but I will not be needing it. I may ok old as the Demi-fate called Dirt but I am the fate that is only half his age. So I will be fine standing if you don’t mind..”Mr. Mud said as lies minions fled the area.
“I know you have come to save me. How I know that I don’t know. II feel the truth for some reason. That’s not a ability of mine. So why do i all the sudden have his abilities?” Lies begged Mud for a answer,
“It’s simple, time was never your alie. He knew that could ultimately overthrow his so called perfected multiverse. So he not only made a the antiforce to truth but inside you is the antforce to lies. Mixed in with it.” Mud said as lies looked shocked.
“You are slowly gaining the powers of truth because you are slowly becoming not yourself. Thus your personality is being erased.’ Mud continued. “In the end even you would be that truthful with yourself. You would of lied till you died. In the end it’s your ultimate fate to die friendless and alone.” Mud finished as lies felt of his chest and started coughing.
“It has to get out of me. I must live on to destroy Truth. He must not win.” Lies said wheezing and suddenly out of breath,
“You’ll never get it out that way. It’s deep within you now. Slowly erasing your mind if nothing is done.” mud offered.
Lies started begging mud to do something as Mud smilled. “I will do the one unforgivable thing that Truth will hate me for for the rest of existence if you do me one favor.” Mud offered.
“What’s that. I will do anything as long as I get to stomp him out of any meaningfulness he has left.
“It’s simple. You are to give up the control you have of the anti-fates to your minion Plight.” Muds offered.
“Lies did a double take. “Wait, what?” Les looked confused. He grabbed his head as pain ripped through it. He fell onto the ground.”Ok, you get your wish. Control of their minds are now hers if you just give her this.” Lies Pulled a red masss out of his chest and handed it to Mud himself. Mud thanked him as a golden gate with the number four on it and the name De-lies, appeared from behind him and a unknown force dragged him in

This needs to be simpler in plot. I have received similar comments from my work from writers on this forum. I suggest you work more on making one plot line. I won't stop here since I think I need to help you. You have a lot of ideas, but what is needed is a linear plot. A plot that goes into one direction and maybe has one cause and effect. You have ideas, you need to focus on a single plot. Even in a novel focusing on one plot has its benefits and makes the reader feel less confused.


Truth and F-8 arrived in front of the gate that lead to the tower of records. “I see you have arrived with F-8 in toe. It’s good to see that you all have made it to the tower in one piece.” Plight says as she can be seen drinking a familiar wine.
“It’s good to see that you have as well. If you don’t mind we got some work to do. You will have to wait.” Truth asked of Plight.
“Yes, you do. I wouldn’t go this way. It is trapped to no end. Time would have it no other way.” Plight warned truth.
As Plight and truth talked F-8 quieted her mind and closed her eyes. As she does so she sees the many possibilities that can happen from here. Truth pats F-8 on the shoulder as she opened her eyes.
“Let’s get things started.” the pen is going to be near the second entrance. Apparently time knew I might come here and was prepared for that inevitability.” truth offered as Plight walked over to another of the trower’s entrances.
As the three walked in Truth noted that the security measures that guarded the pen were dealt with. He took his opportunity to head toward. Just before Truth can take the white pen with two names in black writing on it.
“Hold on for a second. I have a offer for you. one that may lead to a solution to all of this.” Plight coily wsantered by.
“Yes, I am listening. You have a better solution to this whole debacle?” Truth looked on curiously.
“It’s simple all you would have to do is cheat the fates out of there power. You can do it with that pen in hand. out can write them into oblivion all you’d have to do is forsake wisdom.” Plight offered as F-8 did a face palm.
“That is true, It can be done here but isn’t the rule that they that destroy the Fates ultimately become Fates in the end.” Truth pointed out.
Plight stopped walking and sat on a nearby wall. “That is the Truth. You could even right that the universe would restore itself to it’s pre time state. Like I said though you will ultimately forsake wisdom doing so.” Plight offered.
Truth thought for a second and then started writing in the air. As he did so Plight smiled. F-8 knew that she had won and left outside to get some fresh air.
As she did so her own words echoed in her mind. If only i had known back then what I known now. I wouldn’t have lost Truth to lies and time to the gates themselves. F-8 kicked the door of the second entrance but as she did so a second voicer entered her head. The voice of Sareen. You can change it if you so wish. You are the only one that can. Save us from Plight’s Truths.
As she heard this time slowed. The voice said. the n the voices of crossroads maze came in seeking for the fact all came in fours.
“Everything comes in fours. Then why would there only be two pens. I mean aren’t these authors pens made of dopaler. F-8 thought to herself and then walked back into the room and looked around. She grabbed a nearby blue pen with the two names on it and started writing a few changes to the multiverses fate herself and then hid the pen in a nearby desk. A moment later and the flow of time had returned to normal.
“good, you are now justice. Let the fate of Time be cast off and reborn as a ex-fate who will cheat the fates themselves and save us all. A white a black and white shadow peeks off of Truth as a Green aura comes of the newly formed fate of Justice.
“I have forsaken wisdom itself for you.” the fate of Justice said asF-8 snuck off.
After se she so she found truth setting on a nearby wall frowning. “I guess you were right. She was lying, her lies were so deeply set into my mind that i rewrote it all. In the end though you lied to. You rewrote my fate and thus set me and my ex-wife down a path to one of our destruction.”
“You know Truth. I believed you when you said you wanted to become the ultimate custodian of the multiverses. That was the desire that was most in your heart. In the end though i leave the choice f whether you want to follow this path up to you.” F-8 said as a golden gate formed behind her with a infinity symbol and the G-8 written on it. F-8 smiled oddly as the gate opened. A clear energy is leached off her as she returned to her younger self. Truth left the area as the everything in the area turned into a white goo. And reversed course to as the white wave they had been times universe washed back over the multiverse.


I like some of the lines here. I know there is a character called Lies and one called Truth. Truth is interesting because he could become ruler of the universe if he always told the truth. IMO this is science fiction and fantasy since there still isn't a device to tell the truth. There are many characters within a short span of time. Still I like the ideas and feel there is more potential.



It had been a day since the universe had restored itself back to normality. “The land of Skunara never looked so peaceful.” the Demi-fate of mud offered as he stood facing plight standing under the black obelisk that Lies had freed himself near. “So, you think you can do a better job of dealing with chaos than lies. The chaos force known as free will and the destructive potential of the force known as order will always be out of balance. What makes you think you can end it. It’s a fool's errand. And one we have tried to do since the beginning.” he continued as plight grimed a terrifying grin.
“Trust me. You alone can’t destroy free will. Not even the galactic destruction of the fates can bring an end to the chaos of mind. I think you have been going about it wrong. You see your trying to destroy the balance of the multiverse via the stuff within the multiverse. Doing so is a fool’s errand as you say. To destroy something this vast with something within that vastness will only lead to a small chunk of it missing. Your problem still continues. Though it is temporarily burdened by your effort.” Plight offered as The demi-fate of Mud looked intrigued.
“So you think you have a solution to the problem. You think that you can unbalance the multiverse so that we are the only ones that are left.” Mud said.
“No. I think that in all things. If you want to destroy or unbalance a cake such a the multiverse. You’ve got to become the chief. In the end it’s the chief that makes the cake. The clock maker that makes the watch. The writer that spins the tale. The source of all.” Plight said.
“But, that would be unheard of. We would be as gods.” Mud looked confused but happy.
“Why would we need to be gods. Our ascension means being more than that. In the end. We will start it but only, I, the illness of the multiverase will end it. So let’s shake on it. Truce for lies sake.” Plight offered as she held one hand out offering a treaty and the other behind her back with her fingers crossed.
Mud laughed for a second but then shook Plights hand. “Lady you make one hell of a offer but what about truth. Your husband. Won't he hate what you’ve become.” Mud offered.
“I guess you still don’t remember, such a shame to. Lets just say. In another age in another time lost beyond the gates. I chose lies and you chose time and both of s where better off doing so either way. For me it worked out fin. I became stronger than my ex-master and became the one to lead the anti-fates and you were better off leaving time unminted for now. He would have betrayed you due to errors in his own character.” Plight said as Mud looked even more confused. After a fu seconds pMud pulled out a contract and Plight a red pin with the names n them and Plight signed the contract itself.”
The conflict needs a character versus character conflict to pull of your story's ideas successfully. It's the most common kind of conflict in a story.



Gavel lay there with his eyes closed as he could hear the lumbering Death moving dead bodies across the ground.
“The harvest is such a fun ritual. To bad my mom isn’t here to taste the sweetness of such a victory. It is sweet.” Death said as Gavel dared to open one of his eyes to see what had became of Eagles Perch.as he did so he saw many purple floating orbs chained to dead bodies as two of deaths incarnation and Deaths many reaper minions took it upon themselves to feast off the orbs themselves. The woman in the white tuxedo and the headless biker took their time cutting the chains and devouring the purple orbs. As they did so Gavel trembled in fear.
“Takes forever though. I am rushing more souls to you.” A minion said as he took a arm loud of purple orbs to Death. Death slowly smiled
“Death is always in a hurry. If I don’t hurry with my slow pass. I would surely lose all to Time and the quick rush of life.” Death said as Gavel turned slowly over and tried to sneak out of the room.
“And where do you think you are going? You are the guest of honor this evening.” Death said as he slowly turned to face Gavel.
Gavel took no and sprinted only to be surprised as death rode his motorbike around him and then parked it right in front of the supply rooms only exit. ”You heard me, where do you think your going. You still have to show me were Young Jamin is hiding.
“Rats, and I thought you were too slow to keep up.” Gavel cursed as The other incarnation of Death touched him from behind on the shoulder with the cold icy hand of her beautiful side. This chilled Gavel to the bone as he hoped away and turned around to see the white tuxedoed woman going tisk tisk,
“That’s what most people think. They think that they can beat me because I am always rushing through the battle. They think I will make a Mistake with a combination of my slow crawl and my fast passed mind but many have found that ultimately I will win in the end,
“Gavel frowned as he looked at the half burnt girl realising this is exactly where he saw his end,” he felt through his pockets and grabbed a fountain pin a did a double take as he pulled he saw it in his hand. “Wait what? The pen is real. I thought that was just a dream.” Gavel said as both incarnations of Death just shook his head as Gavel faced the headless Death as Death’s female incarnation came up behind him with a smile on her face.
“In the end this is your last destination. So I pity.” the female said.
“Why that. I mean, your winning right,why do pity the loser of a fight.” Gavel asked.
Both incarnations of Death thought for a second and then the headless biker death rode over to beside Gavel and put his cold pointy finger into his chest. This made Gavel jump back and bump into. Death’s other incarnation
“It’s because ultimate you get the one thing I will never have, the one thing I beg for since day one of becoming me.” death said as Gavel tried to move away but Death’s female form healed him in place.
“What’s that, a swift kick in the junk.” Gavel offered as Death laughed.
“No. The thing I have always wanted. A Life’s purpose.” death offered as Gaek recognized what
Death had just said.
“So living forever has robbed you of the beauty of that having a end gives everyone. Well, what can I say that’s the beauty of Death. It’s the quickest way to meaning.”
Death laughed with recognition. “He gets it no ever gets it. . you would be the first to ever get why I live in torment, why I will never be happy till my mom becomes god basically.” death said as the it let go of Gavel.
Gavel moved to the far corner of the room between to shelves. “You what, I think such insight deserve a reward. Do want to know my secret.” Death asked as he rode over to beside Gavel and held. The lantern to up o Gavel,
Gavel just nodded his head as he eyed a clock not knowing what to do, “for each culture there us a version of me. A spirit of Death or shinigami so to speak. For every culture there is a version of my or maybe several, she is the Hel Libatebena, the beauty of Death the carnival versions of me are called farewell to the flesh also known as carnivals. There are so many shinigami of maybe five for each culture well maybe there is more. I’ve lost count but this a one is the stands before you is the best one.do you want to know why? “ Death offered as Gavel shook his head no.
“Look,, something tells me your going to tell me anyway. I am a captive audience after all. So let’s get this over with. Please!” Gavel said as Hel shook her head.
“Fair enough.” The biker death chuckled and then reached into his satchel and pulled out a severed head into his bag and pulled out a severed head,”This is what bind me to this world. If i lose this I will die as well one day. Any last words now, death said as he raised his scythe with hia free hand and prepared to strike.
“Yeah,what’s the deal with this freakin, I mean I didn’t have it on me before the dream. It was in my dream but now it's in my hand. What is it’s deal.” gavel exclaimed as looked crosseyed for second.
“ I tell you all that and all you want to know about is a stupid fountain pin. Shesh.” death said as Gavel raised the fountain pen into the air and readied to strike.
:whatever,” Gavel said and then struck deaths severed head as death pulled it back in sock. The fountain pin filled and death froze stunned for a second as both his incarnation shook with pain.” Gavel grabbed the pin after it finished filling and then took off under Death Left arm and ran to hid in the best place he could find. Gavel noted that every reaper fell uncouicious as the wensed with pain as well, Death pulled his head back into its protective casing. As the lady Hel version of him moved into the hallway that Gavel had went into.
“That was a nice trick. Maybe I shouldn’t have opened up my softer side to you.” Death’s Lady form said as she moved down the hallway frustrated and physically shaking with pain,“
Gavel hid around a nearby corner under a table with a cloth on it. “Great, now he, she, it, is, whatever it is, is angry. I got away but to what end.”Gavel whispered as he put the pen back into his pocket, he took a peek out from his hiding space and saw death’s motor cycle with him on it ride by as the reapers that were with him helped him look for Gavel.” I am guessing they’re all hunting for me now. It’s not like I will make it out alive. I mean this pen did allow me to delay the inevitable but it really is just a stupid foutain pen for now until I know how to use it. Gavel offered as low as he could speak.
Just as he was about to move a scythe came through the table straight into Gavel’s head with a killing blow.
Chapter Fifteen Part B
Thankfully no subplots. This is the clearest of the narratives but it needs more polishing maybe depending on what readers say.



What could you possibly offer Eden that she would possibly want. I mean Meta eden at That. I think I know what you can offer my sister that would cause a lot of conflict between the two or herself.” Bradley asked.
“That’s exactly it though. I know. You know. Heck even Wilka and Lense know by know what adult base eden wants and if Base Eden gets what she wants then the system is doomed.” Ranti offered.
“No, wait but isn’t my sisters mission.” Bradely shuttered at the thought that just passed his mind.
“That’s right if she saves Gavel she cannot save the system as the World Phoenix. It’s a shame to every time Base Eden has one over Meta Eden She saves Gavel leaving me stuck in this giant crystal ball and thus the bad guys are doomed to win. If this keeps up yada, yada, yada. Rinse and repeat while hopefully using moisturizer. You know this gets old the trillionth time it’s done. Here are your two doors. Blah, blah, blah. The one on the right leads to Gavel. Just make sure it doesn’t hit your tailbone to hard on the way to ruining everything again.” Ranti offers as two doors pop out of the ground as if they were liquid metal. As Eden rolled her eyes heading toward the one on the left as if she had enough of this suraide. As she walked toward the door she passes back and forth and started mumbling to herself. Her face grew vacant as went back to her younger self. ‘I am not letting you win you old crow. Can’t you see nothing means more than love.” Eden said and then turned back into Meta eden“You petulant little child. How many times do we got to go around these cycles til you realize that we are needed else were. The system will be Morigan’s if we keep doing this. Can’t you see.” Meta Eden angrly spat and then her voice trailed off as she turned back into Base Eden.
Bradley looked shocked and was unsure what to do as Wilka and Lense came into the cave confused.
“So this just goes on back and forth for two hours till Base Eden wins and we’re doomed. We are doomed.” Ranty sighed.
“That’s horrible. We can’t change anything can we. I mean if we do will it change anything orwill it?” Lense offered.
“Maybe, maybe not.” Ranty saidagain as inside the crystal ball turned to one of a compass that pointed to Bradley. “Yeah, that’s the only person that can change anything for now but I don’t think he’s got much time. He’s got half a hour till Eden is unreachable to the argument that is roaring on. He’salready changed one thing. Can he do it again?I have no clue. It’s worth a shot though.” Ranty said as eden kept changing her forms as the argument roared on.
“Him? I get that. But why? And what did he change?” Wilka asked.
“Yeah, no by this time in every cycle he’s dead by know. Died because Mrigan killed you back at the four doors. I know because Eden morns him before moving on. Not sure why but someone used the Authors pin not only saving bradley but bradelly in turn saves Klume from his fate with the last test.” Ranty sighed again.
Bradly walked forward] as he put his hand on the crystaL ball. As Klume got back to his feet.
“I would have chosen that fate. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with me. Why would I have?” Klue offered.
“That’s right. how would you even have known? If I didn’t as those follow up questions. no , your right, someone is changing things and I think I know now, who but You said he was dead.” Bradley offered.
“I know he’s dead look.” ranty said as the crystal ball turned to an image of Gavel lying dead on the floor were death had left him.
“That’s what those spirits meant. Ranty can you zoom in on there?” Bradly asked of the Ranty.
“What. Okay i will then.” The image on the crystal ball shows Gavel;’s wrote hand with the pin.
“Somebody save me.” Bradly read allowed. “That’s why Meta Eden loses every time. This pin. If I am rewrite it can causality. I remember the day we built it into the system. We didn’t tell Gavel. We wanted it to be a back door but why does Gavek even have it. It shouldn’t e in the noral system.” Bradly offered.
“True what’s this have to do with the spirits we saw,” Lense asked.
“The spirits said you two were sent to protect. Maybe this is a change that whoever made to get Eden to move on and save Gavel.”

You've made death too powerful, I would work on a weakness. But anyways the plot is difficult to follow in the second part, because you allude to things the audience doesn't know that belong to the mythos of the world. For example of people transforming. Eden's transformation if I am not mistaken. The spirits could be the good guys or the ghost. It's something I thought when reading it. It needs to refrain from using mythos of the world or world building. You do this often with your work. You need to try to use facts of the story made up by you the author, and have the characters work to get what they want. To kill death is the goal here. Work on who his helpers are. Seems there are some questions that need to be answered. How will he accomplish his task?



A midle aged woman who wore white robes and had black wings sat on a thrown. She wore a jester's cap and looked as a old woman smiled and bowed.
“You finally rule now. You know are incharge of heaven itself.” the old woman said as cheering from distant people can be heard all hail lady F-8.
“Yes, It took me thousands years but I finally did the impossible. Take your throne.” the woman offered as a crown is put on her head,
“May I smile on you as you rule this heavenly plan. Till the truth return.”
the old lady said as a crown is put on the woman's head. “Incoming.” a voice yeled as this happens the room floods withfrom the huge white doors as one of them is kicked in. the floor scorched and a twenty year old black man and a man in a business suit are dragged in the by a woman of hispanic origins in red cybernetic glowing armor.
“What is this. How dare you break into the throne room.” The old woman said and then dropped to her knees in recognition of who was standing there and who she she dragged in. “The Fates of Time, and Dreams respectably. Why Torko.Why have you betrayed us.” she asked of the latin woman.
The latin woman wobled for a second as if she was made of water. “I can’t. I mustn’ kill F-8. she. Doesn't deserve this. Truth, why have you betrayed us all. You coward.” the woman in red cybernetic armor burst forward with rockets that were built into the back of her suit. F-8 steeped into the way summoning a giant flat sword to act as a wall to protect her from the assault only to find that The woman known as Torko hand burst through it and grabbed her heart. As the old woman fell back F-8 yeled out her sisters name,
“Why?” she asked and then took to a door in the top of the rooms balcony.
“Torko flew in behind her and does the same attack to her with her opposite hand.” slammin F-8 through the door and out onto a room with a mirror.
As F-8 fell over
Torko now had the hearts of both F-8 and Favor in her hands. Clocks appear all over the sky while a single tear rolled down torlos facer. After this happened the being known as Torko separate into three identical but with beings but different nationalities. They all three dropped to their knees with tear filled eyes.
“One of them in dressed in red camouflage pants and similar red shirt. Get Favor.“Quickly we haven’t much time. She order the other two.
“Why it’s over. In the end he has gone mad and won. what is there left to do it all ends here.” the woman in blue camo on said with a british accent.
“They will not die. I will remint them. Anew.” she said and then went over to the mrro as the blue clad woman grabbed F-8 and headed into a room with a clear plastic wall and and a control panel.
“Genius. That will do Torchette. That will do. the white clad woman with a liquid arora borialess said and then flew with great speed and rainbow energy out of the room into the throne room and swooped up Favor.
As The red clad woman. Started went to the control panels and started the process as golden walls with the number four on filled the sky. “Here goes nothing.” The red clad woman said as several spinning looms on mechanical arms move over and started going over F-8’s chest hole. F-8 lay there going on unconscious as green door with the number five on it appear in the room and green energy leaps isprings fourth and flowed out to everywhere and affecting everything. Torchette finished and as she did so she looked back to see a brown hair man in blue jeans and a black t-shirt. “Listen here, You will be my successor. You will be God of the all one day. That I tell you. but why?” the man said and then the door slammed shut the clocks disappear and the walls with golden shimmer brightly in the sky.


This has details that are not in clear in the description. The action is more confusing to follow that you other stories.

My suggestion is as follows: take the ideas I may have given as inspiration. Read the comments carefully. Make sure someone goes over your work for the grammar. The comments will guide you from a writer's perspective. What I lack is grammar skills to explain what is wrong.

Keep this in a file somewhere for when you can improve the grammar. Some people may not want to read it since the grammar errors are there. But I did the favor since I know how it can feel. Good luck. I liked the ideas. You need to rewrite according to the comments, and fix up the grammar. It is a lot of work but at least you have feedback. I went paragraph through paragraph which I don't do often with stories but I felt I needed to make an exception. That's because I know you can learn at least to make a more compelling narrative. To fix your English will take time.

kunox
June 23rd, 2019, 06:54 PM
I haven't read your hole thing but yes... this is a first draft. btw deaths weakness is if you destroy his head he passes from this life. he isn't invulnerable ether. they've killed one version of him already. as for the show don't tell..that's the third pass kind of thing. some of this was wrote for the world building affect it had. as for the "promised land." tat doesn't exist.. it's a lie.

Theglasshouse
June 23rd, 2019, 07:23 PM
Admit the things you liked, at least so you can have a workshop of your story here. A workshop works with communication. So if possible answer my comments whenever possible if you don't want to agree with them. Then I can explain why I said that. These can be thought as trial and error mistakes I have seen in your work but that no one points out.

For example: of the promised land is a lie or an important part of the plot why is it included? We all have to carefully include whats relevant and leave out the rest.

Death being powerful, that is something you will have to work out. If shooting his head will work, it seems he's more concerned with hurting gavel but for what reasons or motives I don't know.

Tell don't show should be done whenever possible. Because in this case it didn't make sense.

How does a person behave when mad? I have seen movies since I have never been myself this way because of my disease. Let's just say it might be the wrong word.

kunox
June 23rd, 2019, 07:30 PM
your probably right about the word. as for death and Gavel. to death Gavel has served his purpose which was to set Morigan on her path. if someone with Gavel didn't show up the events in the future don't happen thus Death would not be. if Gavel was of use to Death he would be left alive. I like the fact you told me to simplify my amount of plots.

Theglasshouse
June 23rd, 2019, 07:37 PM
At most two main characters will make your story work. If you have many subplots, leave that for the future planning of a short story or novel.

Sometimes an outline of the events in the story helps.

The death one has the most potential because I can identify the premise right away. You said if death gets killed death will exist. If he lives it will not.

kunox
June 23rd, 2019, 07:39 PM
thanks that helps... I need to rereada bunch of it for now.. I mean I definetly need to simplify.

Theglasshouse
June 23rd, 2019, 07:46 PM
If you have any other concerns let me know with regard concerning my comments. Don't hesitate to ask. People need to learn so that they can write better stories.

kunox
June 23rd, 2019, 08:03 PM
yeah I do have a problem... my ideas are strong so far but my ending are muh lately. they kind of fizzle out and don't do so well.

Ralph Rotten
June 23rd, 2019, 08:27 PM
I can't get past the blue text. Just too hard to read.

kunox
June 23rd, 2019, 08:32 PM
sorry.. why would you say that is?

Theglasshouse
June 23rd, 2019, 09:38 PM
Since the grammar and formatting could be better I know why he said that. But anyways I gave you some good comments and I did read the story slowly. It's my opinion of course but at least you got some important feedback which you can learn. For the ending: create one problem at a time and delay solving it. A story could eventually emerge. Think for the story with death being a character which I hope you focus on. I suggest you create a simple conflict easy to see. The premise suggests one. But there is a bigger problem. Is he going to let people die? By trying to kill death the character? What inside stops him? Is it his fear of killing people, and inability to think through his decisions? He'd have a lot of trouble seeing people dying. What if someone were at a hospital? His friend is at a hospital? Will he let him die?

Make the character mess up 3 times trying to kill death. Don't introduce another conflict. When the first problem is solved create another and make 3 attempts or less. That's how I would finish the story. He cannot get what he wants, is what I am saying 3 times, because an antagonist, a force, a adversity, is blocking him. It can come off kind of comical but you get it.

Reformat it by adding a space between each paragraph or for each new line of dialogue. It is a lot of work. One trick I do is that I copy and paste it into by email account using google chrome from Microsoft word. It then adds a space for everything I mentioned. Then edit the thread and paste it. If that doesn't work do it manually. Or maybe there is a website that can format the text for free.

http://removelinebreaks.net/

Try that website, but I do not know if it works. (it adds space to the copied text: it is worth giving it a chance).

Also change the blue text to the default black font.

kunox
June 23rd, 2019, 09:48 PM
will do here in a bit... ty again.
update:it has been updated.

Theglasshouse
June 24th, 2019, 02:01 AM
This improved because of grammarly being such a good tool. There are less misspellings, but there are still errors such as missing punctuation. I am very tired right now so I can't offer more help. I hope you get another response or reply. Remember the comments you made. I expect you to follow through with what you said. You said a simplified plot is what you need, that your endings for your stories were a problem. Focus on one story at a time is my advice. Many of these need one plot, one problem in the opening (As opposed to many that had introduced a conflict and then inserted another conflict) of the story especially, and then follow that with failure. No one likes a perfect character and that way you can have an ambivalent character. My advice is not to work on multiple stories at the same time. You have the premise on the story I commented on (the one with death). Work on that, and you will have something that has a conflict that in the beginning is very easy to see and develop. Remember characters take action after conflict. That means they must perform an event, that tries to solve the conflict.

Get feedback from your family, and don't see the draft for some days, have someone else do so instead. Also, someone can always betaread your work. But remember it must meet expectations. That means it's more than just a draft. Let other people read the comments if possible to make sure you follow the directions.

I know you said you have a friend, don't rush to send him the story. This is a 1st draft, send it after the 2nd draft which would be 3rd is my recommendation. I will not comment unless by pm since I think I did offer plenty of things in the critique for you to do. If you find yourself writing more drafts always have feedback.

I will pm you recommend you a website that was recommended to me a long time ago.(it's not free) But if you master the English then you can eventually post any draft there.