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notsocordial
May 24th, 2019, 03:56 PM
A love story assisted with today's technology- Facebook is a perfect example of why social media is not so bad, after all.A friend request seemed fascinating that day. She couldn't recognize the person in the display picture but her pupils dilated at the very sight of the cover photo- kept staring at it, trying to unriddle what it meant. She couldn't also resist the urge to accept the request. Maybe only he knows the answer to it! So, there it was. Another person added to that long list of other people. Who knew he was not just someone. Something magical was about to happen in a very short span of time. A love story was born.
Their conversation wasn't just like any other. It began with solving the cover photo and slowly proceeded to likes and dislikes then it unraveled the secrets of the winter mornings and how they loved watching the sun turning crimson red. They weren't all the same, true. She liked sunrises and his heart skipped a beat at the sight of those beautiful sunsets. She liked those chips packets full of calories and he didn't. He was a foodie and she was just a human being living on food. He was a patient listener and she could go chatty for the whole day (just in front of him). There were differences, for sure. But what made them get along so well was, their thoughts were parallel, not intersecting or colliding with each other but just going their own ways in the same direction.
Cold Feet.Weeks passed, and she knew if she continued talking, she would never be able to return. This was scary for her. She had never felt this way for anyone.
What mattered was she was happy and she wouldn't mind risking it. Her guts were positive. He had his share of the past, though. But, with this girl, he particularly had something. Something that no words could fathom. He made her feel so comfortable around him, like the beach wouldn't mind the breeze, the sun wouldn't mind the rain, the flowers wouldn't mind the bee. She knew this was something. That, she wasn't supposed to be afraid anymore because that someone she spent the twenty years of her life waiting to come around, was right in front of her.
She liked the impromptu. She plans, she visualizes but she knew deep in her heart that the best thing that could happen to anybody was when you do something out of sudden urges. Finally, she texted him, "I love you" one day. Then and there, both of them closed their eyes and blushed. He knew he had to hold on to her and she knew she couldn't let go of him. It was her first confession, after all! He couldn't wait but get her a rose. "Those little things he does!", she thought. Well, the little things weren't little anymore. Destiny sure had some plans. He had had two relationships before but it was his first rose that he gave a girl. That cannot be just some coincidence, right?
Both of them were falling. They were creating a love story that people would listen to and cast a hopeful smile. The gravity was slowly pulling the two of them closer, not towards itself but towards each other. The sunrises and the sunsets were meant to meet each other, as if. The breeze and the sand were meant to form small droplets of water, as if. After all, the most beautiful stories are created when you least expect them to.

Bard_Daniel
May 30th, 2019, 03:59 AM
There is some nice language here, but this is fully "telling." There is no show. Therefore, I felt a detachment from the narrator and was not emotionally invested in the story. I think that you need to formulate this with a clear beginning, middle, and end and reinforce it by using storytelling techniques. Right now, it just reads like a scrambled story told to someone as an aside. For the scope that you want to cover here, as evidenced by your content, I don't think this will do.

Just my amateur 0.02c! Write on.

notsocordial
May 30th, 2019, 10:11 AM
There is some nice language here, but this is fully "telling." There is no show. Therefore, I felt a detachment from the narrator and was not emotionally invested in the story. I think that you need to formulate this with a clear beginning, middle, and end and reinforce it by using storytelling techniques. Right now, it just reads like a scrambled story told to someone as an aside. For the scope that you want to cover here, as evidenced by your content, I don't think this will do.

Just my amateur 0.02c! Write on.

Thanks for the suggestion! :) I will work on it!

Parable_of_Pleiades
June 3rd, 2019, 07:33 PM
I would also keep in mind the structure of time as you fill this out, the reader needs to be able to follow what I'd happening and when. It appears to me this is a sequential story, the process of going from a stranger online to a real life partner. Facebook isn't the first place you think of when you think of online dating, seeing how they got to that point would be really interesting. Or possibly even narrowing your focus to how and why the request got sent in the first place, did they comment on the same article? Maybe they got into a debate, or both jumped in to rescue someone on a mutual friends feed. Attraction via FB has the most amazing ability to cut straight into who a person is rather than what they look like.

Overall, I like the idea and where you can go with it. And something about the writing style shows an earnestness of the protagonists love