View Full Version : Lament of an Inner Demon [1.1k words; mature content]

The Carcosan Herald
April 17th, 2019, 11:01 PM
This piece contains themes not suitable for children, and may even prove to be upsetting for some adults. You have been warned!

Oh. It's you again. Great... Just when I thought you might finally get your shit together, you come back here bitching about whatever crap has displeased you this time.

You ... you tried to make such an important decision by yourself? Are you serious?! Why did you ever think you could resolve a crisis like that? Why did you think you could just snub your brother like that? You actually thought that, after doing that for so long together, you could just bug him off for your friend instead and ... 'make it up' to him somehow.

Of course it backfired on you, silly. I cannot believe I have to have this conversation with you YET AGAIN, but since I have to repeat myself for the especially retarded, here we go once more. You made a bad decision because you're a useless, good-for-nothing dickbag. You are literally incapable of making a good call on anything. They called it Autistic Spectrum Disorder on the diagnosis – but we both know what it really is. You're just an arrogant, selfish piece of pond slime who never learns a damn thing from his mistakes, and this is a prime example of that. Every time you try to do anything of your own initiative, it backfires. Every time. Do I need to remind you of when you ignored Dad about seeking careers advice at university? Because for some baffling reason you got it into your head that they wouldn't be of any use to you. Please... Don't give me that excuse – you just wanted to play video games. You wanted to hide in your little shell where you think you're safe from the outside world. Well, congratulations – you fucked up your best chance to kick-start your working life.

What am I saying...? Nobody would want to hire you anyway. Your only proper skill is what – writing? Congratulations, you're on the same level as any idiot who knows how to use a pen and paper. Fuck, you're not even doing that. You're just staring at a screen all day and pressing labelled buttons on a keyboard like a trained monkey. It's not even physical writing: you're just changing the colour of hundreds of tiny lightbulbs on your screen. Try learning a real skill, something that's actually worth something to anyone, EVER. Maybe then any employer you send your CV to might consider reading it rather than throwing it in the bin.

Oh, who am I kidding? Anything you can do, everyone else can do better. Any video game you play? How often do you score bottom on the leaderboards, or drag your team down with your sloppiness? And you know that pompous cat-shit you call 'writing'? Nobody's going to read it, so you're just writing a load of bollocks for yourself. Even the other chair jockeys you hang out with online can do it better than you. Look at them now: they're creating a fabulous world full of wonderful characters, while you are just sat here writing down your most negative thoughts, hoping for the slightest chance that anybody else reading this might care. Please tell me you're still angry about having the previous two canons you worked on abandoned and rebooted. Canons that you alone managed to fuck up by throwing in all manner of godawful crap – like that whole fucking 'Let's blow up the Earth!' thing, or 'Hey, you know what would be awesome? Making it so that you completely ignore your fellow canon mates and focus squarely on some stupid storyline about interdimensional warfare'. So people who are better than you in every possible way have to come and clean up the shitstorm you created through your unique brand of mind-numbing buffoonery.

Do you ever wonder if your friends would be much happier if you were to disappear? I know for certain that if I ever had the complete misfortune of being your friend, I'd chase you off the first chance I got. You're a selfish, inconsiderate, incompetent, pathetic excuse of a human being. I might leave it at that if only you didn't want to find love... You wonder why you haven't had sex yet, or found a girlfriend, or even had your first kiss? Because you don't deserve any of it. Any woman with even a modicum of self respect or dignity would respond to your advances with liberal application of pepper spray to the face, and so they damn well should. Trust me, they're doing you a favour – God help you if you ever do manage to weasel your way into a woman's pants. Knowing your penchant for fucking up, you'd probably misplace the condom and get her pregnant on your first time. And what do you think will happen if you become a father? She'll leave that kid with you – which might actually be an even worse decision than anything you could come up with. You've got such a complete lack of control over your emotions and impulses that you'll probably end up killing that baby by shaking it in a fit of rage when you realise you have no idea how to tie a nappy. Just as well you'll never find love, because it's most likely going to end with you in prison. You don't deserve love.

In fact, you don't deserve anything. You have a wonderful, caring younger brother – who you've just fucked off. You have a roof over your head – despite you contributing nothing to its upkeep but methane. You have friends and family – despite being nothing but a burden to them. People starve in Africa and die so you can live and be the complete waste of a person that you are. You don't deserve your happy life, and the chances of you actually doing anything to fix it are beyond unlikely.

Why don't you just do everybody a favour and kill yourself? There are knives downstairs – slash your wrists, or cut your neck open. Go find a piece of rope and tie it to a tree. Or climb up the church bell tower and throw yourself off – at least they won't have to go far to bury you after they've scraped up your remains. Bah... More likely than not you won't do any of that. Instead you'll probably just throw yourself in front of a car, or a bus, or a truck. Because ruining people's lives for your own selfish gain is what you do best. Might as well die as you lived – right?


Ugh... Why do I bother? You'll carry on living anyway, and no doubt you'll be back here soon enough, having completely forgotten everything I've said and fucked up yet again.

Olly Buckle
May 5th, 2019, 04:53 PM
So I got to about the fourth paragraph and thought, 'Come on, when will you end the abuse and get on with the story?', skimmed to the end and realised that was all there was to it. Don't expect anyone reading this to do much more than shut their ears to it, much like the character it is directed at.

The actual writing seemed okay, no typos, bad grammar or mis-spelling I noticed, but I can't imagine anyone being enthralled by it.

The Carcosan Herald
May 5th, 2019, 09:27 PM
For the most part it's an exercise in character-building, rather than a story. In this particular case, it's somebody with depression going through a phase of self-loathing - the monologue itself being based almost word-for-word on a similar phase I had with myself, I might add. I figured that an internal monologue like this could become part of a character arc in a future storyline, which is why I put it here rather than keeping it in a notepad like I was originally planning on.

In any case, your critique about it shutting people out is greatly appreciated, and I'll keep it on board for the next time I write something similar to this piece.

Olly Buckle
May 5th, 2019, 10:30 PM
I figured that an internal monologue like this could become part of a character arc in a future storyline,It might well work, but be sure and cherry pick the essence from it, you don't want an indigestible lump. Most people have experienced the feeling in some form and degree, it won't take much to remind them if you get the universally recognised bits.

May 7th, 2019, 04:03 PM
I agree with Olly here, there's just so much hate in here that, although it could be a character exercise, I don't feel it works as a piece. Olly is right: pick the essence from it and make it into something.

May 16th, 2019, 04:57 AM
I don't agree that the problem is too much hate. The problem is that we have absolutely no context for this bizarre rant. Who is saying this? Who is this being spoken to? What's the story of these two people? If the reader had experienced the events being referenced, then the insults would actually have some emotional punch. As it stands, the person that is saying this might completely wrong on all points, and the person this is targeted at might not give less of a damn. Or they might care. Or the person saying this might actually have a point. We don't know, because we have absolutely no context.
Besides that, I would also say that these types of rants are not best experienced as huge blocks of inner monologue, which seems to me like an exercise in onanism. They are best experienced as organic dialogue between two characters. This way, we get to see how the character this is being spoken to is reacting to these statements. We also get to see a back and forth between two characters, which is far more interesting than this huge, negative wall of text. Even if your heart is set on inner monologue, break it up with showing how the character is actually reacting to what is being said.

June 3rd, 2019, 09:09 PM
It took a minute but my conclusion was that this was showing anxiety, however, with nothing to ground the monologue it just feels...empty. Does his palms get sweaty? Heart rate increase? Why is this conversation happening, what is this conversation getting in the way of, what SHOULD he be doing instead?

June 19th, 2019, 05:30 PM
Most people here seemed to want the monologue shortened and compressed into something more manageable. However, I must say I like it as is, I could even see it as a prologue or an opening chapter. Maybe it's just me, but being thrown into a world feels somewhat liberating for me, it feels like a puzzle and I like that. Although we are given very little context there are still many things that we get to know about this character: he's a gamer with a very low self-esteem, he also writes and believes he is quite unsuccessful at it, he never had a romantic relationship and finds it hard to develop and maintain healthy relationships (his brother). He is probably impulsive and very emotionally unstable as well.

However, I will say that this monologue could maybe function better if it was broken down and mixed with some events and/or dialogues.