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gene
March 23rd, 2019, 09:23 AM
This is the second post from my fantasy book "The Ethereals" I have posted here. Everyone that read it was great help. I took the changes to heart and have revised that part accordingly.
I am posting another part of the book for advisement. Thank you for reading and helping.

Chapter 3
Farwell My Love

Na'tane sat in the house she grow up in waiting for what Ruth needed to say, she was sitting beside her bed watching Ruth packing her belongs, "Why are you so worried about me, I am not going anywhere. Please stop your scaring me."

Ruth set down beside her hugging her then reached down touching her belly, "Little one, your with child."

Na'tane jumped up looking at her touching her belly, "How do you know, I have not told anyone." Ruth smiled, "You can't fool me Sweetheart, I have delivered babies for years before you were born. Now set down and listen to what I have to tell you."

Na'tane took her chair again beside Ruth, "Please mother, don't ask me to leave, Prince Lander loves me, and I love him. He will not marry someone he does not love."

Ruth said, "Quite child, listen to me. General U'tar and Lieutenant Randal came by to see me today." She paused looking into Na'tanes eyes. Na'tane saw something there making her heart beat faster with a foreboding feeling.

"They told me to get you out of the Palace because Hanthel as two traitors here, and your life is in danger. If she has two of our own, she could have more spies in the Kingdom. Your baby is of royal blood, the Princes' baby, Hanthel will not allow your child to be born."

Na'tane jumped up saying, "That's silly, Hanthel is not Queen not yet, Lander won't marry her."

Ruth reached up taking Na'tane's hand in both of her's, "I love you and I would rather you didn't take the chance, you're naivety about these matters is dangerous. There are forces at work here that have nothing do to with love."

Na'tane looked off across the room trying to block this horrible moment from her mind, "I want let anything happen to Lander, I have the abilities to stop it."

Ruth pulled her back toward the chair, "You must set back down and let me finish, you have powerful magic, but that will not save your baby."

Na'tane set back down beside Ruth letting her continue, "I have never told you who you truly are, you lost your real mother and she never had the chance. You are part of a race of people with magic, you are a Ma'giin. Doc and I have protected you over all these years by not telling you, if anyone found out, you would be hunted for the rest of your years. This is the danger you face, I don't know why, so please don't ask me. Doc and I are scared for your sake and now the baby's. Not all people are kind, you knew this as a child. Now you know why."

Na'tane's face went pale, she fought back tears, "This is why they hunted and killed my family." Ruth hugged her.

"Doc and I have never understood this and we are ashamed to be part of a race that would do this to innocent people. There is a place where your people live, they started gathering there years ago for protection from persecution. It is a village called "Wiken, located deep in the Horse Shoe mountain range. Too get there you must travel through Thandlor forest, cross Thandlor desert region. The next place is Thieves City. This is where people go when they are running form the law, some of them are really bad people. But I know you can handle yourself with their kind. After you pass through Thieves City, Wiken is the next village you come to. There your baby will be safe. "

Na'tane set up straight drying her tears with her tunic sleeve, "I want leave not until I have talked to Lander, we will leave together."

Ruth with alarm in her voice said, "You must not do that, I know he loves you, but he is not the King. And his father will never allow it."

Na'tane said, "No, I will talk to him, I must before I leave."

H.Brown
March 23rd, 2019, 01:13 PM
This scene is really emotional,you capture the desperation of the mother figure trying to protect her ward and unborn child but you also show the protagonist's desires and wants as well. There are a couple of spelling issues such as using the word 'set' instead of sit and using the word 'grow' instead of grew but overall I found little that detracted from the plot when reading. Your use of dialogue was easy to follow and you establish and maintain a nice pace throughout. This conversation is intriguing and makes me want to know more about the magical people and their persecution but also makes me want to know the main protagonist more as well.

gene
March 23rd, 2019, 01:46 PM
Thank so much for your kind words. Also thank you for pointing out my spelling. Sometimes I write so fast that I do that. I proof read and still I miss it.

H.Brown
March 23rd, 2019, 01:52 PM
Thank so much for your kind words. Also thank you for pointing out my spelling. Sometimes I write so fast that I do that. I proof read and still I miss it.

No problem gene, I suffer with dyslexia which hinders my own spellings at times, I have always found it helpful when others have pointed out my own spelling mistakes as I do not always catch them. I really do like what I have read so far of your WIP.

gene
March 23rd, 2019, 02:24 PM
No problem gene, I suffer with dyslexia which hinders my own spellings at times, I have always found it helpful when others have pointed out my own spelling mistakes as I do not always catch them. I really do like what I have read so far of your WIP.

I have been attempting writing for about twenty years or so. I look back on my writing from back then and my writing style has changed a lot. I have started several books, but never finished them. This work will be a trilogy and I am determined to finish it. Someone once asked me, "Who are The Ethereals and what can they do?" So here recently I wrote the opening to my book titled "The Origin".

Can you point me to some of your writing, I would love to read it. I just joined here so still having a bit of trouble trying to figure it all out.

H.Brown
March 23rd, 2019, 02:29 PM
I have been attempting writing for about twenty years or so. I look back on my writing from back then and my writing style has changed a lot. I have started several books, but never finished them. This work will be a trilogy and I am determined to finish it. Someone once asked me, "Who are The Ethereals and what can they do?" So here recently I wrote the opening to my book titled "The Origin".

Can you point me to some of your writing, I would love to read it. I just joined here so still having a bit of trouble trying to figure it all out.

Gene you can find some of my poetry on my blog(the link is in my signature) I have also put up some of novel that I have been working on now for the last four years but what is up on wf is now outdated I have got the first six chapters ready to read and have sent it to two people so far but I am yet to hear back from them as yet. Also on my blog there are small snippets of my story writing, and I will also be doing NaPoWrMo in April.

epimetheus
March 23rd, 2019, 02:41 PM
I didn't read past the first paragraph for 3 reasons.
The name Na'tane didn't sit well with me. Not sure why, just one of those things. Maybe it was the apostrophe. But i'm sure most people will be OK with it.
The sentence, "Please stop your scaring me." A mistake like this so early on makes me think there will be more, giving me extra work in parsing sentences.
Today i'm lazy and impatient.

gene
March 24th, 2019, 12:38 AM
I didn't read past the first paragraph for 3 reasons.
The name Na'tane didn't sit well with me. Not sure why, just one of those things. Maybe it was the apostrophe. But i'm sure most people will be OK with it.
The sentence, "Please stop your scaring me." A mistake like this so early on makes me think there will be more, giving me extra work in parsing sentences.
Today i'm lazy and impatient.

Thank you for your critique, what I am about to say I hope you don't take the wrong way.

A person's name whether it be in real life or in someone's writing is just a name. If I had used the name D'Arcy instead of Na'tane, I feel you might have given me the same critique. Her name is from my imagination, I feel there is no need to change it. I wanted my main character to have a unique name.

I understand you didn't want to read my writing because this or that bothered you, but that is ok. We are all different, liking different things.

gene
March 24th, 2019, 12:46 AM
Gene you can find some of my poetry on my blog(the link is in my signature) I have also put up some of novel that I have been working on now for the last four years but what is up on wf is now outdated I have got the first six chapters ready to read and have sent it to two people so far but I am yet to hear back from them as yet. Also on my blog there are small snippets of my story writing, and I will also be doing NaPoWrMo in April.

I will check it out for sure, looking forward to reading your novel. Thank for for inviting me.

H.Brown
March 24th, 2019, 01:29 AM
I will check it out for sure, looking forward to reading your novel. Thank for for inviting me.

I can email you an epub or pdf version of the first six chapters if you fancy giving it a whirl, although it does still have sone spelling mistakes that I haven't caught. My poetry I normally put into my blog, but have been thinking about writing a poetry anthology.

epimetheus
March 24th, 2019, 01:34 AM
Thank you for your critique, what I am about to say I hope you don't take the wrong way.


Not at all, and you're absolutely right about names. Just giving an honest account of why i stopped reading, for whatever it is worth.

gene
March 24th, 2019, 02:54 AM
I can email you an epub or pdf version of the first six chapters if you fancy giving it a whirl, although it does still have sone spelling mistakes that I haven't caught. My poetry I normally put into my blog, but have been thinking about writing a poetry anthology.

I will pm you my email address.

Thomas Norman
April 8th, 2019, 10:03 AM
I see this is chapter 3, have you posted chapter 2? I have only read the first few paragraphs as there are several mistakes.



Na'tane sat in the house she grow up in [waiting for what Ruth needed to say,] This is confusing, simply 'waiting for Ruth to speak,'
In normal speech people shorten such phrase. I'm
Ruth [set] [I]sat down beside her hugging her then reached down [touching] and touched her belly, "Little one, [your] you're with child."

Na'tane jumped up looking at her [touching her belly,] ​who's belly? the phrase is unnecessary. "How do you know, [I]I've not told anyone." Ruth smiled, "You can't fool me Sweetheart, I have delivered babies for years before you were born. Now [set] sit down and listen to what I have to tell you."

Na'tane took her chair again beside Ruth, "Please mother, don't ask me to leave, Prince Lander loves me, and I love him. [He will] He'll not marry someone he does not love."

Ruth said, "Quite child, listen to me. General U'tar and Lieutenant Randal came by to see me today." She paused looking into Na'tanes eyes. Na'tane saw something there [making] which made her heart beat faster with a [foreboding feeling.] feeling of foreboding.


I hope this helps you.

BornForBurning
May 4th, 2019, 06:30 AM
Farwell My Love
And he's out of the gate with a running start. It's spelled 'Farewell.' I laughed pretty hard at this to be honest.

"Little one, your with child."
You're, not your. I only bring this up because you make this mistake multiple times. Your is used to indicate possession- your car, your table, your wife. You're is a conjunction of you are, which indicates a state or condition he person is in- "You're red, you're dead, you are tired."

Na'tane saw something there making her heart beat faster with a foreboding feeling.
The first part of this sentence is just wrong. How I would have written this is: "Na'tane saw something there that made her heart beat faster." The foreboding feeling part is somewhat redundant, we already know that she is stressed due to how she just reacted.

Ruth pulled her back toward the chair, "You must set back down and let me finish, you have powerful magic, but that will not save your baby."
Besides the obvious spelling mistake, it's better to show the reader your character's unique powers rather than just talking about them. Again, you make this mistake multiple times.

Ken Johnson
May 20th, 2019, 12:00 PM
The narrative flows nicely, but somewhere along the line you're going to need a fairly deep grammar and punctuation edit. Here is an example.


Na'tane sat in the house she grow up in waiting for what Ruth needed to say, she was sitting beside her bed watching Ruth packing her belongs, "Why are you so worried about me, I am not going anywhere. Please stop your scaring me."

With the bare minimum of correction, this should probably be:

Na'tane sat in the house she grew up in, waiting for what Ruth needed to say. She was sitting beside her bed, watching Ruth pack her belongings. "Why are you so worried about me? I am not going anywhere. Please stop, you're scaring me."

I don't know how old you are, but lots of younger folks never really got a lot of exposure to formal grammar and punctuation. You have a good story line, likeable characters, and once one parses through the grammar and punctuation to figure out what you're trying to say, you have a clear narrative style. Be frugal (i.e. write more, party less) and save up some money for a good edit by someone who really knows this stuff. Please don't encourage some slush reader at a publishing house to toss a potentially excellent novel onto the scrap heap by making it hard for her to get through the grammar and punctuation. You deserve better.

killerbees
May 20th, 2019, 10:48 PM
Where is the rest of the chapters?

TuMadreEnEspanol
June 15th, 2019, 03:12 AM
Gene, I love how this is. I really want to read it aloud to my family.

TuMadreEnEspanol
June 15th, 2019, 03:14 AM
Farwell My Love

it should be farewell I think.

TuMadreEnEspanol
June 15th, 2019, 03:35 AM
The other thing you may want to think of a different name then UUTar and Randal they are so radically different.