PDA

View Full Version : BOB chapter eight sample{unfinished}



kunox
September 29th, 2018, 05:24 PM
I am looking for opinions on how the action breaks down in this chapter.. there are errors in the chapter spelling and other wise I am kind of curious about the time skip as well and how that fit in. was looking for opinion
p.s. still need to incorporate a suggestion from the glass house given to me this week. more on that later.

--------------------------------------
Chapter Eight: Play More with Claymora

“Let me down you insufferable.” Claymora demanded as she is toted over the shoulder of Queen Coral. As Coral brought Claymora into a special chamber she put her into a pod and sang a improvised a tune with Claymora’s name in it. The Pod closes and seals around her neck without choking Claymora.
“Look I know you want to be my friend and all but this is not the way to do it. now let me go before I let me go and make you regret capturing me.” Claymora demanded.
“Your friendship, I did want that. I’m serious, I did till I drank that vile the dark one gave me and now all I want is to drink your blood.” Coral squeed
“Drink my blood!” Claymora exclaimed as she caused an explosion of red energy to blow up the pod around her. “That would mean you are the enemy. I guess that’s convenient because I am tired of being nice to you!” Claymora yelled and then sprang for the chambers door,
Coral jumped in the way of Claymora. This didn’t stop claymora as she gathered the red energy and tried to blow through Coral with as much Explosive force as possible. This pushed back Coral a few inches as smoke and debris the air, the walls and floor of this section of the chamber was now a crater.
As the smoke cleared Claymora lie on her back across the room as Coral was covered by a exoskeleton that was more like a crustacean than a insect. The armored flesh formed back into her and became soft flesh again.
“What was I thinking. Coral is now a hive queen, she can eat a bucket of c4 for breakfast and still do her royal duties in a day without flinching. Maybe even a nuclear blast. When using armor.” Claymora thought out loud and then blew her way through the wall nearby she fled through opening as fast as she could.
“How dare my lunch treat me with such disrespect. How dare you. Not explosive Claymora.” Coral said as er skin formed back into the armor and she rammed through to walls to come around the other side of Claymora and then stopped. Coral just stood there with a hungry look in her eyes as Claymora gulped.
Suddenly voces can be heard from all around the Hive. “I feel her.” one Sect said as he entered the room. “The true sect Queen arises out of her cocoon. “All hail Queen Stix.” the Sect from all parts of the Hive announced at once.
“Hail Queen who. I swear if she wants to take my place I am going to have to ill her and take over myself.” Coral took off down the halway to get to the testing river as Claymora followed suit worried about her friends safety.

Chapter Eight Part B
---------------------------------------------
“Mom.” Tomas yelled as he looked fr wisla. As he ran through the war zone he spots Lupis who was hiding near the wall.
Tomas ran up to him. Where is my mother. Tomas asked as Lupis pointed down the stairs into the Red Tomb.
“I am keeping her safe. Ino one will get by me to wisla if I can help it,” Lupis said.
Tohmas thanks Lupis as he ran down into the tomb and sees Wisla frantically pacing back and forth as she drew details of the red tomb,
“Mom!!” Thomas yelled as Wisla shocked look on her face said everything. “We got to go, let’s get out of here.”
“Yeah just give me a second to get a few more notes.” Wisla said.
Tohmas went over and picked up his mother onto his shoulders he toted her out of the tomb and sat her down near the monument.
Wisla was stilled frantical taking notes as the wasp queen pinned thomas onto the ground. Outside. Lupis got between Wisla and the wasp queen half not sure of what to do.
“I am guessing this is the one the va,pier lord wanted.” The wasp queen said pointing right at Wisla.
“Go, get her out of her. Run.” Thomas said Lupis swooped Wisla up and started a parkour escape as the Wasp Queen took Thomas into his arms and sped around them with blinding speed.
Lupis went the other direction as the Wasp queen moved to the other side.
“I am sorry Wisla, I think this is the end.” Lupis said as wisla pulled out her camera and set it to flash. She aimed it right at the Wasp Queen. “Lupis when i say go UI want you to run like hell and hide..” she said as Lupis just guled and got ready. “Go,” Wisla said as she used the flash on her camera to blind the was queen Lupis ran as fast as he could down dead end hallway and then hid them in some crates. Wasp queen let out a yell and started tearing down everything including the Hive in sight. As she did so the Wasp Queens face, and arms showed signs of burns.
“What kind of flash do you have. Sheesh that thing is powerful.” Liupis whispered as as he peeked out from the crate.
“I don’t know? I got it from Plakis on the way down here, why.” Wisla said with a confused look on her face.
“Wisla I could kiss you,” Lupis said grabbing the camera and sneaking down the tunnel.
“I can hear you. You are nearby. To bad it s near the end for to of you. Wisla will have to come with me. The vampire lord demands it.” the Wasp queen said.
“Hay scar face. Lupis said as the Wasp queen turned around and of a face full flash. Wisla took this opportunity to leave the crates Lupis swiftly pushed her out of he way and then ran away as the Wasp Queens skin turned to blue and black bug style armored exoskeleton. She dropped Thomas and then flies into the tunnel breaking it apart as tears through it like tissue, blind the Wasp queen thrashed around as the mantis queen came out of nowhere as it pulled it’s two scythe like arms from behind her back and serverse the head of the Wasp Queen.
The Wasp Queen’s head tries to move as the Mantis queen picks it up. Puts it under her arm like a basketball and then said. “I am guessing we will be needing as new wasp queen and soldiers.” and the end walked down the hall as Wisla looked disgusted at the severed head that still was moving.
“He want die. Vamiersare immortal.” Lupis said asis as this thought didn’t seem to make Wislas discomfort any better.

Chapter Eight Part C
---------------------------------
Oozing and pulsing the Cocoon Stix was in burst open as Stix emerged from the cocoon a inch larger and with black and pink hell butterfly wings her wings wrapped her as she noted that most of her close were a couple sizes too small. She had pink irises and she was now a inch taller.
As she walked forward she noted purple and black royale attire nearby with a note from Glants. Stix quickly changed as the tunnel with the river in it started shaking.
Coral came bursting out of a nearby wall. As Stix gilded back without flapping her wings. Coral nearly misses Stix as Coral gives off a mighty roar.
“Get out of the way. Claymora yelled as Coral put her fist in the air as if she was going to pound the ground in front of her. Before stix new it everything moved slower. Stix glides back very slowly as the impacts the ground and causes the floor to collapse in the area. Claymora clang to a nearby sign as Coral fell into the rooms below.
Stix turned her attention to Claymora who moved away from the collapsing section of the floor as the river flowed into the basement below.
“That was such a slow dodge. I mean you successful got outta the way but man did you take your time Caymora said as everything slowed down around Stix again. Stix skin and wings turn black as he night as Coral rammed her through the sealing moving at normal speed.
“How dare you take the Hive from me. I should be queen. I should be the leader we all dreamed of. It’s all about me and my lunch.” Coral cried out as Stix’s skin turned back to each normal complexion.
“That is half of your problem, the other half is you didn’t want to become Queen to because you had a good vision for the Hive. I can see into your mind now. You wanted to impress Claymora with your strength.” stix skin turned back to Black and stix burst off the ground slamming coral into the ceiling and then Dragging her through across the ceiling breaking it apart as bluish green blood dripped from the puncture wounds Stix left in her armor. ‘In other words you were a good person but you wanted the job for selfish reasons. Coral said and then slams Coral into the floor leaving a crater. Coral started to cry as Claymora took note of the puncture wounds in Coral stomach skin.
“Now is my chance.” Claymora said and the balled up her fist behind her and focused as much red energy into a ball as it swirled around her fist. Claymora launched herself at Coral making sure to strike the wound. This caused a explosion as Claymora is launched back into the river.
After the smoke cleared coral could be seen bleeding from the hole profusely as Claymora emerged out of the river and spit out the water. “Yuck, it had to be liquid flyn.” she said.
Coral dropped to one knee as stix came down and checked on Claymora.
“Smart move,her armor may be tough but on the inside she is soft. How did you know that? I’m impressed. Stix asked.
“Stix I am a explosives expert and a warrior at that. I have to know what or who my attacks are effective against just in case stuff like this happens.” Claymora offered as Coral tried to get up.
“I wouldn’t if I were you. You are too injured to move. You’ll only kill yourself in the end.” Stix offered as Coral just ignored her and gotto one knee.
After Coral did so she wobbled for a minute and then feel unconscious.


Chapter Eight Part D
-----------------------------
It had been a few days since the attack as Wisla sat with Lupis, Claymora and Plakis in a small room like cell. “So you hid it right.” lupis said as Plakis nodded.
“Yeah and I read some of it as well. It had a lot of cures but nothing for vampires. Even the one sheet that was ripped out had had a few details that may be useful if used right.” Plakis said as he got up from the cell wall. “The thing is no one needs to know what is in that book. Things and horrors like you wouldn’t believe.” Plaqkis continued.
“That would make since. It was written by people who want to convert all people into beings being like them or at least half. The cure for humanity would be amongst them.” Wisla offered as Plakis turned around and stared at her.
“How did you know that. I mean what was in the book.” Plakis asked.
“It was some of the details on the walls of the Red Tombs they told me the story of how the vampires came to ancient earth and how the Sect came down to stop them even if it meant they would never return to space. Also little known fact. The sect apparently used human D.N.A.to adapt to the world around them. That is why they have the forms they do now.” as a knock came from the cell walls.
Glants stood there with a look of frustration on his face. “It has been officialy decreed by Queen Stix that you guys have been pardoned.

Olly Buckle
September 30th, 2018, 01:04 AM
Just about to go to bed and did not have time to read all, but check out vile / vial

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 07:14 AM
will do.

fschutt
September 30th, 2018, 08:26 AM
now let me go before I let me go

Very strange wording, tripped me up a bit.


... she caused an explosion of red energy to blow up the pod

Hold up, there's an explosion and the other character feels like she's just standing there like "ah darn it, the pod just exploded, hate when that happens". I would really have more buildup, I mean if you want to write an escape scene, at least make it feel like she (Claymora) is actually in danger.


This didn’t stop claymora as she gathered the red energy and tried to blow through Coral with as much Explosive force as possible. This pushed back Coral a few inches as smoke and debris the air, the walls and floor of this section of the chamber was now a crater.

This happened, then this happened, then this happened... don't tell what happened or where the characters physically are if it can be inferred from the action. Especially avoid exact distances (like "a few inches") if possible. I'll just try to rewrite this section:

The red energy blast from Claymoras fingers hit Coral like a wave. Her back felt numb as the energy threw her against the concrete wall. The pillars shattered and crumbled under Claymoras force, smoke and debris began falling off the broken ceiling. Barely breathing, Coral forced herself to stand up again. The wall behind her was gone, a giant hole decorating the wall where earlier heavy beton had been.

I mean maybe it's just my thing but I try to fit more (maybe too much) emotion into these things. If you just write "here was an explosion and because of that the paint fell off the wall"... there isn't much feeling to the scene. If you write "the force of the blast began shattering the paint on the wall, exploding the plaster into thousands of pieces", it makes it much more interesting to visualize and more "epic", y'know? Not sure if I'm overwriting, but try to make it more decorative than just describing the action.

Olly Buckle
September 30th, 2018, 09:08 AM
Okay, so I came back to it this morning and read through. You ask about the action, I think it is probably fine, but there are so many errors that it is difficult to read as a continuous piece and get into, I had to keep stopping to work out what it should say. Many of them are things that I am sure you can sort out yourself, in fact I think that you may have simply got so involved in the action yourself that you simply missed out a word, or got one wrong, in places through haste and excitement at your own story. That is reinforced by the way you do things like spelling Thomas different ways or failing to capitalise it. My advice would be to read through and correct what you can, then read it aloud, that can show up a whole raft of things, and correct again. When you have done that bring it back for crit again so we can help pick up the things you truly might not know, like vile/vial, at the moment I could spend an hour and a half writing up a crit most of which you could put right in half an hour without my advice, a waste of time all round.

I can appreciate the excitement of first getting a story down, I know it myself, but at least two thirds of writing is re-writing and editing. Boring stuff sometimes, but when you have read a story through twenty times and know it backwards and still get a little thrill from it you know that you are on to something worthwhile that could well be worth all the hard work and grind, don't give up!

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 11:45 AM
Okay, so I came back to it this morning and read through. You ask about the action, I think it is probably fine, but there are so many errors that it is difficult to read as a continuous piece and get into, I had to keep stopping to work out what it should say. Many of them are things that I am sure you can sort out yourself, in fact I think that you may have simply got so involved in the action yourself that you simply missed out a word, or got one wrong, in places through haste and excitement at your own story. That is reinforced by the way you do things like spelling Thomas different ways or failing to capitalise it. My advice would be to read through and correct what you can, then read it aloud, that can show up a whole raft of things, and correct again. When you have done that bring it back for crit again so we can help pick up the things you truly might not know, like vile/vial, at the moment I could spend an hour and a half writing up a crit most of which you could put right in half an hour without my advice, a waste of time all round.

I can appreciate the excitement of first getting a story down, I know it myself, but at least two thirds of writing is re-writing and editing. Boring stuff sometimes, but when you have read a story through twenty times and know it backwards and still get a little thrill from it you know that you are on to something worthwhile that could well be worth all the hard work and grind, don't give up!


I was kind of doing that in the background while you guys were reading it. ty you two. good tips all around. will release it latter this afternoon.

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 12:52 PM
never mind. tis is with a few changes and without adding fshutt suggestion... or the glass houses but i will get their eventually. lol. last time I will post unless there will become more of a need to.


------------------

Chapter Eight: Play More with Claymora

“Let me down you, insufferable!” Claymora demanded as she is touted over the shoulder of Queen Coral. As Coral brought Claymora into a special chamber, she put her into a hatching pod and sang an improvised a tune with Claymora’s name in it. The Pod closed and sealed around her neck without choking Claymora.
“Look, I know you want to be my friend and all but this is not the way to do it. Now let me go before I let me go and make you regret capturing me.” Claymora yelled.
“Your friendship, I did want that. I’m serious, I did till I drank that vile the dark one gave me and now all I want is to drink your blood.” Coral squeed
“Drink my blood!” Claymora exclaimed as she caused an explosion of red energy to blow up the pod around her. “That would mean you are the enemy. I guess that’s convenient because I am tired of being nice to you!” Claymora yelled and then sprang for the chamber's door,
Coral jumped into the way of Claymora. This didn’t stop Claymora as she gathered red energy and tried to blow through Coral with as much Explosive force as possible. This pushed back Coral a few inches as smoke and debris filled the air, The walls and floor of this section of the chamber was now a crater.
As the smoke cleared Claymora lie on her back across the room as Coral was covered by an exoskeleton that was more like a crustacean than an insect. The armored flesh formed back into her and became soft flesh again.
“What was I thinking. Coral is now a Hive Queen, She can eat a bucket of c4 for breakfast and still do her royal duties in a day Without flinching. Maybe even a nuclear blast. When using her armor to its fullest potential.” Claymora thought out loud and then blew her way through the wall nearby, she fled through the opening as fast as she could.
“How dare my lunch treat me with such disrespect, how dare you. Not explosive Claymora. Not at all.” Coral said as her skin formed back into the armor version and then she rammed through two walls to come around the other side of Claymora and then stopped in front of her. Coral just stood there with a hungry look in her eyes as Claymora had a frightened look on her face.
Suddenly voices can be heard from all around the Hive. “I feel her. She has awoken.” One Sect said as he entered the room. “The true Sect Queen arises out of her cocoon. All hail Queen Stix.” The Sect from all parts of the Hive announced at once.
“Hail Queen who? I swear if she wants to take my place I am going to have to kill her and take over myself.” Coral took off down the hallway to get to the testing river as Claymora followed suit worried about her friend's safety.

Chapter Eight Part B
---------------------------------------------
“Mom.” Thomas yelled as he looked for Wisla. As he ran through the war zone, he spotted Lupis who was hiding near the monument wall.
Thomas ran up to him. Where is my mother. Thomas asked as Lupis pointed down the stairs into the Red Tomb.
“I am keeping her safe. No one will get by me to Wisla if I can help it,” Lupis said as the battle between Vampires, Wasp Sect and the rest of the Sect raged on around them.
Thomas thanked Lupis as he ran down into the tomb and sees Wisla frantically pacing back and forth as she drew details of the Red tomb onto a notepad with a pen,
“Mom!!” Thomas yelled as Wisla shocked look on her face spoke of desperation. “We got to go, let’s get out of here.”
“Yeah, just give me a second to get a few more notes.” Wisla said.
Thomas went over and picked up his mother onto his shoulders, he tilted her out of the tomb and sat her down near the monument wall.
Wisla was stilled frantically taking notes as the Wasp Queen pinned Thomas onto the ground. Outside. Lupis got between Wisla and the wasp queen half not sure of what to do.
“I am guessing this is the one the vampire lord wanted.” The Wasp Queen said as she pointed right at Wisla.
“Go, get her out of her. Run.” Thomas said as Lupis swooped Wisla up and started a Parkour escape as the Wasp Queen took Thomas into his arms and sped around them with blinding speed.
Lupis went the other direction as the Wasp Queen moved to the other side.
“I am sorry Wisla, I think this is the end.” Lupis said as Wisla pulled out her camera and set it to flash. She aimed it right at the Wasp Queen. “Lupis when go say go I want you to run like hell and hide..” She said as Lupis just gulped and got ready to bolt. “Go,” Wisla said as she used the flash on her camera to blind the Wasp Queen. Lupis ran as fast as he could down into a dead end hallway and then hid them in some crates. The Wasp Queen let out a yell and started tearing down everything, including the Hive in sight. As she did so the Wasp Queen’s face, and arms showed signs of burns.
“What kind of flash do you have on that camera. Sheesh, that thing is powerful.” Lupis whispered as as he peeked out from the crate.
“I don’t know? I got it from Plakis on the way down here, why?” Wisla said with a confused look on her face.
“Wisla I could kiss you,” Lupis said as he grabbed the camera and then sneaking down the tunnel.
“I can hear you. You are nearby. Too bad its near the end for two of you. Wisla will have to come with me. The vampire lord demands it.” The Wasp Queen said.
“Hay scar face. Lupis said as the Wasp queen turned around and of a face full flash. Wisla took this opportunity to leave the crates Lupis swiftly pushed her out of the way and then ran away as the Wasp Queen’s skin turned to blue and black bug style armored exoskeleton. She dropped Thomas and then flew into the tunnel tearing it apart as tears through it like tissue, blind the Wasp Queen thrashed around as the Mantis Queen came out of nowhere as it pulled its two scythes like arms from behind her back and severs the head of the Wasp Queen with one blow to the neck.
The Wasp Queen’s head tried to move as the Mantis queen picked it up. Put it under her arm like a basketball and then said. “I am guessing we will be needing a new Wasp Queen and soldiers.” She walked down the hall as Wisla looked disgusted at the severed head that still was moving.
“She will not die. Vamiers are immortal.” Lupis said as this thought didn’t seem to make Wislas discomfort any better.

Chapter Eight Part C
---------------------------------
Oozing and pulsing the Cocoon Stix was covered in goo as she burst from it an inch larger and with black and pink hell butterfly wings her wings wrapped her as she noted that most of her close were a couple sizes too small. She had pink irises and she now had a few shades lighter skin.
As she walked forward, she noted purple and black royal attire nearby with a note from Glants. Stix quickly changed as the tunnel with the river in it started shaking.
Coral came bursting out of a nearby wall. As Stix gilded back everything slowed and she did so without flapping her wings. Coral nearly missed Stix as Coral gives off a mighty roar.
“Get out of the way. Claymora yelled as Coral put her fist in the air as if she was going to pound the ground in front of her. Before Stix knew it everything moved slower again. Stix gilded back very slowly as the impacts the ground and causes the floor to collapse in the area. Claymora clang to a nearby sign as Coral fell into the rooms below.
Stix turned her attention to Claymora who moved away from the collapsing section of the floor as the river flowed into the basement below.
“That was such a slow dodge. I mean you successfully got outta the way but man did you take your time Claymora said as everything slowed down around Stix again. Stix skin and wings turn black as he night as Coral rammed her through the ceiling moving at normal speed with her skin still in armor form.
“How dare you take the Hive from me. I should be Queen. I should be the leader we all dreamed of. It’s all about me and my lunch.” Coral cried out as Stix’s skin turned back to each normal complexion as she stood up..
“That is half of your problem, the other half is you didn’t want to become Queen to because you had a good vision for the Hive. I can see into your mind now. You wanted to impress Claymora with your strength.” Stix skin turned back to Black and Stix burst off the ground, slamming Coral into the ceiling and then Dragged her through across the ceiling breaking it apart as bluish green blood dripped from the puncture wounds Stix left in her arms with her fingers. “In other words you were a good person, but you wanted the job for selfish reasons. That is why you weren’t meant to be the Queen. Stix said and then slammed Coral into the floor, leaving a crater. Coral started to cry as blood came out of her stomach wound. Claymora took note of the puncture wounds in Coral's stomach skin.
“Now is my chance.” Claymora said and the balled up her fist behind her and focused as much red energy into a ball as it swirled around her fist. Claymora launched herself at Coral making sure to strike the wound. This caused an explosion as Claymora is launched back into the river.
After the smoke cleared Coral could be seen bleeding from the hole profusely as Claymora emerged out of the river and spit out the water. “Yuck, it had to be liquid Flyn.” She said.
Coral dropped to one knee as Stix came down and checked on Claymora.
“Smart move, her armor may be tough, but on the inside she is soft. How did you know that? I’m impressed. Stix asked.
“Stix I am an explosives expert and a warrior at that. I have to know what or who my attacks are effective against just in case stuff like this happens.” Claymora offered as Coral tried to get up.
“I wouldn’t if I were you. You are too injured to move. You’ll only kill yourself in the end if you do..” Stix glared at Coral as she just ignored her and got to one knee.
After Coral did so she wobbled for a minute and then fell unconscious.

Chapter Eight Part D
-----------------------------
It had been a few days since the attack on the Hive and Wisla sat with Lupis, Claymora and Plakis sat around in a small room like cell. “So you hid it right.” Lupis said as Plakis nodded.
“Yeah, and I read some of it as well. It had a lot of cures but nothing for vampirism. Even the one sheet that was ripped out had had a few details that may be useful if used right.” Plakis said as he got up from a bench near the cell wall. “The thing is, no one needs to know what is in that book. Things and horrors like you wouldn’t believe.” Plakis continued.
“That would make sense. It was written by people who want to convert all people into beings being like them or at least half. The cure for humanity would be amongst them.” Wisla offered as Plakis turned around and stared at her.
“How did you know that. I mean, that was what was in the book.” Plakis asked.
“It was in some of the details on the walls of the Red Tombs they told me the story of how the vampires came to ancient earth and how the Sect came down to stop them even if it meant they would never return to space. Also little known fact. The sect apparently used human D.N.A.to adapt to the world around them. That is why they have the forms they do now.” Wisla said as a knock came from the cell walls.
Glants stood there with a look of frustration on his face. “It has been officially decreed by Queen Stix, as her first and last decree, that you guys have been pardoned. You are free to go.” He said as he had a depressed look on his face.
“Good I’d hate to see what the Sect justice system would of done to us with what we did to the Hive.” Wisls said.
“What do you mean we did to the Hive? We saved it.” Plakis said.
“It’s a long story. It may take a while to unwind. What‘s more important is that Stix is not going to be hive queen.” Wisla said as the group looked confused. “That is Glants just told us. Stix’s first and last decree.” Wisla said as Glants kicked the cage.
“It’s true. Stix is going back to her home. Leaving us without her guidance as a Queen.” Glants turned to face the wall as the cell door came open and the group came out.

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 01:42 PM
reminder to self... check on the spelling of the word vial.

Theglasshouse
September 30th, 2018, 02:28 PM
The best solution to your proofreading problem is probably to try better software. I recommend word q speech q. There is a 30-day free trial. It costs 200 dollars.

I read your work for many reasons that I have in mind. I like to help. The best way to describe my behavior or reasons is I like to be generous when I learned it from others. To write your work you have to self-edit independently. To foster this attitude can seem difficult at first.

I suggest you use Microsoft edge which is free and read out loud by reading back what you have written.

I agree with the comment made by fschutt. To include more emotion is tricky. I will say this. Conflict can be seen as a moral argument. Try to construct a moral argument.

One way I think it helps, is to follow an advice I read. Character is thought and character is action. But not the action you have here. Everything must be motivated by a thought.

If I kill the vampire I will be a hero. If I kill the vampire, I could prevent people from dying, someone close to me.

More thoughts from the antagonist: if I drink blood I will be immortal. That is why I need to drink blood. If he pretends to be a hero, killing of vampires, I will drink to save myself. There's no telling if that person will come back to get me.

Tomorrow I will post more feedback if you post more.

To remember: self-editing is the most important thing to remember. Try a free trial, it requires no credit card. Read over this post, and I am sure you will improve. To improve the syntax, the software can do it because of word prediction. So to improve self-editing is all-important. It's more important than all other skills at your current stage of progress. I did not see adjectives or adverbs that were distracting. That is progress.

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 02:37 PM
you can edit in microsoft edge?!?! how?

Theglasshouse
September 30th, 2018, 02:47 PM
You can make the document into a pdf. (with Microsoft word save as pdf)(as you read make notes by creating bubbles on the pdf, I think it is called web notes, but I am not sure). It definitely is a feature to create notes on to the pdf. Pause every time you need to make a note.

The other method with Edge is while you are editing in writing forums, you can read the work back with the software. Microsoft edge works on the website while you are editing the story. It is assistive technology that works for free on writing forums.

Make sure you have downloaded Microsoft edge from Microsoft's website. That way whatever your computer specifications and requirements, you can download the correct version. Visit this website using Microsoft Edge and start using it.

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 02:55 PM
ty.. that is very helpful.. I was using ginger before this.

Theglasshouse
September 30th, 2018, 03:02 PM
I think ginger won't be the solution to your problems. When you can get it and decide it when you have the money get word q4 or word q4
pro, if you can afford it word q speech q4. I have a free trial, when it expires I am buying it. I think in google docs it works but you need to look it up if it does. I know it works in Microsoft word. It even reads kindle (slowly). It reads web pages. The word prediction predicts the next word you will type such as an article or determiner "the", or a, an, and more. It's a robust and useful piece of software that will help you become more productive since it helps with word processing. Try before you buy, the free trial lasts 30 days and requires no credit card. It's improved a lot over the years. My speech pathologist, the 1st one I went to that didn't diagnose all my conditions recommended it to me a long time ago. It's the cheapest best value program I know. (The voices are high quality 22k I think)

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 03:47 PM
It may take me a while to research and figure out how to pay for but I will see what I can do.

Theglasshouse
September 30th, 2018, 04:04 PM
I will reply to your other story maybe tomorrow since I have wanted to buy a book or two and I am away from home. My brother buys books for me sometimes since I can't work yet (as I feel healthier this way). On weekends I visit my grandmother once a month or more. When I do I will give some better feedback I hope. Since then I will have a more complete understanding. I have many books, I use to inspire me(a huge collection). But anyways it will be what I use to help with inspiration. Be patient and you will get a reply with the feedback after I learn more tricks. The character's thought is an important concept and I was thinking this is what I need to buy. The book is useful. The 3 books I will buy explain such concepts such as how a character thinks which is linked to action. It also explains what a conflict is, and so forth (moral argument). So I will reply to your second story sometime tomorrow. I think that is how I can help you with the substance of the story. To add emotion to the story some fundamentals must be followed.

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 07:12 PM
Very strange wording, tripped me up a bit.



Hold up, there's an explosion and the other character feels like she's just standing there like "ah darn it, the pod just exploded, hate when that happens". I would really have more buildup, I mean if you want to write an escape scene, at least make it feel like she (Claymora) is actually in danger.



This happened, then this happened, then this happened... don't tell what happened or where the characters physically are if it can be inferred from the action. Especially avoid exact distances (like "a few inches") if possible. I'll just try to rewrite this section:

do mean like this[needs some work}
--------------------
Coral jumped into the way of Claymora from across the chamber. This didn’t stop Claymora as she picked up speed and gathered red energy in the palm of her hand with as much force as she could squeeze into such a small space. She strained to contain the energy intact as she thrusted it at Coral in an attempt to blow through her with as much force as possible. This barely pushed back Coral as clamora made contact with the red ball of energy. Waves of red energy erupted from the impact site. Claymora pushed as hard as she could with the force that she had. Red light filled the area. The entire room and Claymora herself shook with the forces of the soon to come explosion. A nearby wall fell apart as the energy finally explodes. Smoke and debris filled the air as Claymora is launched backwards across the chamber as the walls and floor of this section of the chamber now feel apart from the force of the explosion..
As the smoke cleared Claymora landed on her back across the room as Coral can be seen covered by an exoskeleton that was more like a crustacean than an insect. The armored flesh formed back into her and became soft flesh again.

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 07:28 PM
I think I misinterpreted the complaint. you didn't Claymora was standing still. you meant Coral... my bad.

Theglasshouse
September 30th, 2018, 08:36 PM
It had some awkward phrasing in the very first sentence in the original version of the story.

Let me down you insufferable.”
I think that is the main complaint of his. Besides the rest of the post. Which I agree needs emotion for this scene. It leads to an action scene, but a character's actions are more important. The reasons behind the action and thought. I still think you improved it, but it still needs work. The second version you posted reads smooth.



Coral jumped into the way of Claymora from across the chamber. This didn’t stop Claymora as she picked up speed and gathered red energy in the palm of her hand with as much force as she could squeeze into such a small space. She strained to contain the energy intact as she thrusted it at Coral in an attempt to blow through her with as much force as possible. This barely pushed back Coral as clamora made contact with the red ball of energy. Waves of red energy erupted from the impact site. Claymora pushed as hard as she could with the force that she had. Red light filled the area. The entire room and Claymora herself shook with the forces of the soon to come explosion. A nearby wall fell apart as the energy finally explodes. Smoke and debris filled the air as Claymora is launched backwards across the chamber as the walls and floor of this section of the chamber now feel apart from the force of the explosion..
As the smoke cleared Claymora landed on her back across the room as Coral can be seen covered by an exoskeleton that was more like a crustacean than an insect. The armored flesh formed back into her and became soft flesh again.

Reads better.

kunox
September 30th, 2018, 08:39 PM
ty. that really helps. will see what I can do.

fschutt
October 1st, 2018, 01:26 AM
I would decide on a consistent tense. Ex.:


The entire room and Claymora herself shook (past tense) with the forces of the soon to come explosion. A nearby wall fell apart as the energy finally explodes (present tense). Smoke and debris filled (past tense) the air as Claymora is launched (present tense) backwards across the chamber as the walls and floor of this section of the chamber now feel apart from the force of the explosion..

Just write in past tense, but at least consistently:

The entire room and Claymora herself shook with the forces of the soon to come explosion. A nearby wall fell apart as the energy finally exploded. Smoke and debris filled the air as Claymora was launched backwards across the chamber as the walls and floor of this section of the chamber now feel apart from the force of the explosion..

"Shook with the forces" => "shook under the force / pressure of". Shaking with something is more like doing a dance, "shake it shake it baby".

"launched" => "get thrown", launching is used for rockets, something that is initiated by the actor launching, being thrown is involuntary, like a rock being thrown. Unless Claymora has rockets under her feet, I would not say she "was launched", rather "was thrown".

I'd also reduce "The entire room and Claymora herself shook" to just "The entire room shook". Can't give any reason for that other than if Claymora is in the room, then obviously she shakes with the room if physics apply regularly. It's kind of implied that if the room shakes, Claymora shakes, too because she's inside of the room.

I would also avoid things that I call "bounce-back" sentences: "Soon X will happen. Suddenly, X happens." Essentially, sentences where you say that something will happen and then it happens directly in the next sentence, so it's kind of pointless for the reader and can be reduced to one sentence. I've also noticed this error in my stories, happense to me, too. So:

The entire room shook under the the force of the explosion. The wall behind her crumbled and fell apart as she was thrown against it.

"launched backwards across the chamber as the walls" - how am I supposed to imagine this, was Claymora thrown around it a circle? "Across the walls", reads as if she was sliding across the walls in many directions, an explosion usually works in one direction, it's not a whirlwind. I think you meant "against" the wall, not "across".

"the chamber as the walls" => "the walls of the chamber"

"feel apart" => "fell apart"

"floor of this section of the chamber" - which section? Are there different sections? Why does the room have sections, are they marked somehow? If you want to describe where something is, it's often good to use the character positions as a reference: "next to", "under her", "behind her". "The floor beneath her" instead of "The floor in the section of the room where Claymora was standing".

I'll be honest: The story is simply riddled with bad English. You don't even need any fancy programs, just paste the text into Google Docs and turn spell check on, it even has a grammar checking tool. Or use Word or whatever. I guess that you're not a native speaker but neither am I - and this is just the critique for three sentences. If you really don't see these mistakes yourself, I'd rather recommend English lessons, there are great resources online. Don't take this personal, but if you're aspiring to write stories in English - correct spelling and grammar is kind of the basis of writing. Or write in your mother tongue, that's also an option. Reading software won't help you much if you don't know how to distinguish correct from incorrect English. So yeah, ... sorry if this came off as rude, but that's just how it is.

kunox
October 1st, 2018, 02:05 AM
thank you for your help. will be considering what was said here. just a quick note. I am an american so my mother tongue would be English. either way god tips all around. I don't know why I write things in present tense. I'll change them to past tense later as I write. ether way thanks. offence taken.