View Full Version : "Beta" Opening Paragraph of "It's a shapeshifter's life (beta title)"

September 22nd, 2018, 10:36 AM
It is said that the 16th birthday is a special date. Today is my 16th birthday. But I feel nothing that makes me special. Although I was never normal. I never wear those Barbie-like clothes—like many other girls—at the high school. I never go shopping with my friends at the mall. I don’t go to parties, too. (At least because I never get invitations.) I always prefer to hang out with my few friends at our hang out spot. Or I listen to the sound of forest on YouTube. I’m absolutely common!
I’m not very popular at the high school. (Luckily, I have few real friends.) I write good marks. I joined Greenpeace and another social organization. But the destiny doesn’t wanna give me a chance for a normal life. I mean, even the boys avoid me. It isn’t that I’m as ugly as a ogre. I like my appearance. However, the boys run after those brainless puppets. Those girls, who turns the yearbook into a fashion magazine. They never want to hang up with me. By the way, I don’t want it, too.
But if I tell you my whole life story, I’d be off topic. This morning is gonna be interesting. I got my typical Oh-something-is-gonna-wrong-feeling in the stomach.

Harper J. Cole
September 23rd, 2018, 06:19 PM
The sentences are a bit on the short side here, making for a rather staccato feeling. It's good to vary sentence length. It's an interesting start, but I'd need to see more to really be able to comment.


October 20th, 2018, 01:22 AM
What kind of feedback are you after, exactly?

This passage needs a lot of editing, some information is granted to us about the protagonist's surroundings / prior experiences and encounters which is good, but other than that, its hard to give feed back if you don't specify what you are after. It's a tiny snippet from a supposedly much larger work?

December 8th, 2018, 04:07 PM
Reading this, I feel like I'm being given to assume what this character's high school and social experiences are. I find myself wanting to hear more details. Remember the phrase, "show don't tell." Expository paragraphs aren't bad, but try to add some imagery to back it up.