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View Full Version : "Beta" Opening Paragraph of "It's a shapeshifter's life (beta title)"



Art3mis
September 22nd, 2018, 10:36 AM
It is said that the 16th birthday is a special date. Today is my 16th birthday. But I feel nothing that makes me special. Although I was never normal. I never wear those Barbie-like clothes—like many other girls—at the high school. I never go shopping with my friends at the mall. I don’t go to parties, too. (At least because I never get invitations.) I always prefer to hang out with my few friends at our hang out spot. Or I listen to the sound of forest on YouTube. I’m absolutely common!
I’m not very popular at the high school. (Luckily, I have few real friends.) I write good marks. I joined Greenpeace and another social organization. But the destiny doesn’t wanna give me a chance for a normal life. I mean, even the boys avoid me. It isn’t that I’m as ugly as a ogre. I like my appearance. However, the boys run after those brainless puppets. Those girls, who turns the yearbook into a fashion magazine. They never want to hang up with me. By the way, I don’t want it, too.
But if I tell you my whole life story, I’d be off topic. This morning is gonna be interesting. I got my typical Oh-something-is-gonna-wrong-feeling in the stomach.

Harper J. Cole
September 23rd, 2018, 06:19 PM
The sentences are a bit on the short side here, making for a rather staccato feeling. It's good to vary sentence length. It's an interesting start, but I'd need to see more to really be able to comment.

HJC

DSSAtkinson
October 20th, 2018, 01:22 AM
What kind of feedback are you after, exactly?

This passage needs a lot of editing, some information is granted to us about the protagonist's surroundings / prior experiences and encounters which is good, but other than that, its hard to give feed back if you don't specify what you are after. It's a tiny snippet from a supposedly much larger work?

Moonbeast32
December 8th, 2018, 04:07 PM
Reading this, I feel like I'm being given to assume what this character's high school and social experiences are. I find myself wanting to hear more details. Remember the phrase, "show don't tell." Expository paragraphs aren't bad, but try to add some imagery to back it up.