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MadMickyG
August 12th, 2018, 07:25 AM
The origin story of Nanomi. Still needs some work I think, as some parts dont flow exactly the way I want them. But here it is as I've done, and redone it. All thoughts and comments welcome. (Hopefully, I'm getting the perspective side of story writing better)

Mie Kuznetsov was angry. No, not angry, fuming. After months of organising, she’d set up the perfect heist. But someone had leaked information to her mother. Now Mie was trapped in a room, guards outside to dissuade her from leaving.

She hated the Yakuza world, the life her mother brought her up in. She dreamed of escaping the drugs, guns, turf wars and death that came with it, longing to be free. But Japanese traditions expected Mie to uphold family honor, whether she wanted to or not.

Thoughts of running off to live with her father were crushed the day she learned he was no better than her mother. After catching his name during an argument between her mother and grandfather, Mie researched him on the internet, horrified to find he was a high ranking Russian mobster. She found an article, describing the first night his mother and father got together. The death and destruction the pair caused, started in Osaka, but travelled with them to Tokyo.

Despite all Mie’s questions, her mother refused to divulge any information about him, advising she drop the topic. Even though she never mentioned his name, Mie knew her mother must still love him, because Mie had his surname.

“Enough of that,” she said quietly to herself, “I’ve got to get out of here.” Breathing deeply to clear her head, Mie blocked out all thoughts of her parents. Her heist had an extremely limited window of opportunity, so she needed to get out of here. The technology was being shipped overseas in the next a few days, so she had to get it before then. With a buyer ready to collect, paying her a handsome finder’s fee, she needed the money to free herself from the gangster existence. She’d finally be out of Japan, and the Yakuza family she’d been forced to grow up with.

Mie circled the empty room a few times, examining the walls and floor, looking for any weaknesses she could exploit. She wished she had powers, like the superheroes on the news. Super-strength, or walking through walls would be perfect. But it was just her, trapped in this dirty, smelly room, a 'cell' used to hold tougher people than her. She avoided a few dried blood stains, remnants of previous occupants. Mie knew it was totally secure, with small windows for air, too high up and small for anyone to climb through, even if they could reach. Not to mention the bars on the window.

Mie leant against the door, listening to the chatter of the three guards outside. She knew the door hadn’t been locked, but fighting her way past the well-armed guards wasn’t possible. Even if they weren’t armed, all three were as competent in hand-to-hand as Mie.

Staring at the ceiling, Mie focused her attention on the vent in the ceiling. She could pry it open easy enough, then climb out through the venting to freedom. But only if she could reach it. The roof in this room was much higher than normal, making that option highly unlikely.

After reviewing every avenue of escape she thought of, with both their pros and cons, the only viable option, with the lowest chance of her dying, involved going through the vent.
"But how to reach it?" She examined the room again, noticing a small line of edging running across each wall. It was tiny, but sat almost halfway up the wall. She could use that.

Mie bent down and started stretching, limbering up her body for the Olympic acrobatic feat she needed to accomplish if she wanted out of here.

“Let’s see if all those gymnastic lessons pay off.” She grunted as she finished some intense hamstring stretches. After calculating what she needed to, Mie knelt down, untying her neon-coloured 'unbreakable' shoelaces, a present bought for her last year. She tied the laces together, hoping they they lived up to their advertising as she gripped them between her teeth. They may have been indestructible, but they tasted disgusting.

Taking measured steps from the wall, marking her run-up distance, Mie next to the door.

“I can do this,” she repeated over and over, rocking on the spot like an Olympic long jumper, psyching herself up for the monumental task ahead.

With a grunt, Mie sprinted the short distance, leaping in to the air. Her trajectory brought her down, the tips of her shoes brushing the thin edge before slipping off. Mie impacted, then bounced off the wall painfully, crashing to the ground. Standing slowly, she felt the area of her face that hit the wall, jumping as the door burst open.

“What’s that noise?” two heavily armed men shouted, rushing in with guns at the ready, dark eyes glaring at Mie.
“Chill out,” Mie laughed, still rubbing her face, “I tripped over and hit the wall. I’m so bored in here I was dancing.” The guards eyed her suspiciously, but left the room, slamming the door behind them.

“Too close.” Mie waited a few minutes, listening as the guards returned to their previous argument, about which super hero they'd like to kill. Reminding herself to be quieter, Mie moved back to her mark.

It too two more attempts before she stuck the landing. Arcing down, her toes braced on the ledge, she her bent knees to collect and redirect her momentum up. This launched her toward the small barred window above, her face sliding painfully up the wall. She stifled a laugh as her hands grabbed the window frame, a sharp metal edge digging in to her fingers. Mie adjusted her hands until her hold was comfortable, before completing the next part.

Releasing her left hand to grab shoelaces from her mouth, she reached up and wrapped them around one of the window bars. With the other end of the shoelaces around her left hand, Mie hesitantly let go with her right hand, ready to grab the windowsill if the shoelaces snapped. When she felt certain they weren't going to break, she stretched out from the wall toward the vent. Her left hand ached the further she reached, the laces cutting off circulation. She needed to get it right, or lose all feeling in her fingers. If this happened, Mie knew she'd most definitely fail.

Stretched as far out as she could, she moved her left hand until she gripped the laces with just two fingers. She touched the vent, just, but couldn’t get a decent grip on it. She withdrew to the wall slowly, swapping hands to allow blood back in to her left hand. She sat scrunched against the wall, half crouched, half hanging, like a spider, while she thought about her next move. An idea came to her, but it was crazy. But she knew she didn't have much choice.

Lifting her left leg, she pushed her foot through the shoelace loop, adjusting her weight until she could push with her right foot and stand out from the wall. She crawled her hands along the ceiling slowly towards the vent. It took all body her strength to stay horizontal, her core muscles locked tight. When she finally grabbed the vent with both hands, she sighed. It took a few tugs before the covering came off. Small amounts of plaster dropped like snow to the floor. Mie grimaced as the pain in her body increased, her muscles protesting loudly the longer she maintained this position. Feeling of her left foot was fading, so she moved quickly. She maneuvered the vent cover in to the hole, sliding it quietly and carefully. Reaching in, she felt around to make sure it was solid and would hold her weight. Grabbing the edge with her hands, she paused. This was it. If this worked, she was out. If not, she would probably fall and break something.

Slowly working her left foot out of the laces, she groaned as blood brought feeling to her foot. Removing her foot from the loop, her legs dropped, her body dangling in the air. Hauling herself up with a moan, Mie collapsed, taking a moment to catch her breath inside the cramped vent.
“Ow, ow, ow,” she said softly, waiting for the pins and needles to subside. She went silent when she heard voices, echoing through the ventilation shaft, coming from other rooms around the building. Worming her way slowly along the tiny passageway, turning left and right, making her towards the shaft that lead to the roof intake. Her exit and her freedom. She had to stop many times, waiting for voices below her to fade. After twenty-five minutes of squirming around the vents, she finally stood up, pushing out the small mesh panel that opened out on to the roof. She squeezed through, out on to the metal roof. Moving slowly, to make as little noise as possible, Mie made her way to a drain pipe on the far side of the roof. A quick scan told her there were no guards on this side. She shimmied down the pipe and out in to the minimalist garden that surround the house. She looked back at the house, before making her way


Mie stood, a small metal case in her hand. Inside, the object of the heist, and her freedom. A guard, who’d tried to stop her leaving, lay unconscious on the floor. Not dead, just unconscious. Mie was not her mother, or her father.

A quick check of her watch before she dragged the guard out of the passageway, propping him against a wall behind a large plant. According to the schedule and floor plan she’d memorized, it would be at least fifteen minutes before any other guards came through here. In her black outfit, complete with hooded mask, Mie felt like a ninja. All she needed was some shuriken and a sword to complete her ensemble. She couldn’t help but giggle softly as she moved quietly down the hall, moving from blind spot to blind spot, avoiding security cameras. She retreated to the service elevator, prying it open once more with the small metal bar strapped to her leg. As the doors opened, she reached to the right, grabbing the ladder that ran up and down the elevator shaft. She descended as quickly as possible, knowing the less time she remained in the building the better. Considering the contents of case attached to her hip contained, she couldn’t understand why there wasn’t more security. But this made her job easier, something she was thankful for. When she researched the company, she found no mention of their technological breakthrough, decades ahead of it’s time. Evidently, it wasn’t public knowledge yet she surmised.

Mie had a contact in the building, who’d unknowingly let some details slip one night they were out drinking with Mie. Mie confirmed the details herself, skeptical of her friends claim. But then, Mie never thought superheroes would become a reality, but fantasy and reality were entwined. She’d seen people flying around in the sky with her own eyes, so the world may be a strange place, but this meant the technology wasn’t as far-fetched as people thought.

Mie finally reached the bottom of the ladder. She stepped through the small maintenance door, heading down the dim passage to her exit. She checked her watch again. She would cut it close, but should make it to the rendezvous in time. She picked up the pace a little, wanting to make sure she wouldn’t be late. When she reached the door to the outside, she opened it cautiously, checking to make sure the coast was clear outside. Seeing nobody around, she quickly stepped out, making sure to close the door behind her. She headed toward the fence, to the point she had originally come through. She bent down, lifting the section of fence she’d cut open earlier. It wasn’t long before she was at her car. She jumped in, started the car and took off toward the scheduled meeting place with her buyer. Mie heart was racing, so close now to having a way out.

Mie pulled in to the parking space. She smiled as she checked her watch. Ten minutes to spare! She grabbed the case on the passenger seat and got out. She looked around, this the only western-style carpark in the area, for the buyer’s vehicle. Although there were plenty of cars parked here, she could not see the bright red vehicle that was her buyer. She’d been advised it would be unmissable. Mie finally spotted the vehicle, down the opposite end of where she parked. She locked her car and headed towards the red car, her heart thumping with excitement in her chest. As she got closer, she could see someone in the car, not moving. She moved around, knocking on the passenger door. The person inside still did not move. Mie opened the car door, lowering herself in to the passenger seat. She looked at the gentleman in the driver seat, a Caucasian man with a heavy brown beard. He still hadn’t moved. In his lap was a large briefcase. Mie smiled nervously.
“Is that my money?” she asked, her voice wavering nervously. Nothing. She touched the man’s shoulder. He leaned forward, placing his head on the steering wheel with a thud. Mie realised that strange smell in the car was blood. She saw the bullet hole in the back of his head, a matching hole in the seat’s head rest. It took all her strength to not scream. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw movement. Looking out the window, Mie knew the men making their way toward the car. Yakuza! Soldiers that worked with her mother. She opened the door, leaping out of the car. As she looked back at the briefcase on the dead man’s lap, a hand grabbed her shoulder roughly. She grabbed it, twisting it as she kicked back, striking whoever it was the stomach. She heard a man grunt. She ran, heading toward the exit stairs, furious she had to leave the money. Multiple voices yelling in Japanese for her to stop, telling her she could not get away. A man stepped out from behind a car, pointing a gun at her. She came to a halt, lifting the case in front of her as protection.
“You cannot escape Mie,” the man said, the tattoo sleeve on his left arm marking him as Yakuza as well. He flicked the gun, motioning for her to move back the way she’d come. She stayed put. He moved closer, holding the gun firmly in front of him. He appeared to read her thoughts of knocking the gun out of his hands, as he kept a safe distance.
“Your mother is waiting for you,” he said more firmly. “Do not dishonour her any more than you already have.”
“Like I care,” Mie laughed. Without warning, the Yakuza thug stepped in quickly and slapped Mie across the face before she could react. As bells rang in her head, she tasted blood.
“You’re going to regret that,” she smiled defiantly. He raised his hand to hit her again, when the sound of a gun cocking was heard.
“I’d think very carefully about your next move,” a voice said in Japanese with a heavy Russian accent. “That’s my daughter you just hit.” Both Mie and the Yakuza turned, to look where the voice came from. A bulky man in a long coat was walking towards then, a large gun pointed in their direction. Behind him were two gigantic Caucasian men, both following him, their semi-automatic weapons pointing at Mie’s attacker.
“You are in the wrong country,” the Yakuza said in broken English, indicating the other Yakuza that were moving towards them.
“I only came for her,” the Russian said, motioning to Mie, “and the package she’s selling me. I’m guessing Uri didn’t make it?”
“None of you will if you try to take her. Mie stays here.” He stepped sideways, pointing his gun at Mie, then at the Russians, then back at Mie. As the other Yakuza got closer, Mie saw they all held automatic and semi-automatic weapons in their hands. This was going to get deadly very quickly. But she couldn’t get over the fact her father was standing there. Someone she thought she would never see. She wanted to ask him something, but a gunshot stopped any real chance of conversation. Suddenly, everyone started ducking and shooting. Mie dropped down, holding the case in front of her. Desperately, she scrambled sideways, using any car for cover. As she squeezed between two cars, something hit her in the stomach. Looking down, she saw a bullet had hit the case. Pulling the case away revealed the bullet passed clean through the case, with a matching hole in her stomach. There was a dark liquid leaking seeping from the case, some of the dark liquid stained her shirt.
Mie tipped the case on its’ side, to stop the liquid from leaking out. She let go with one hand, placing it over the bullet hole in her stomach. Someone grabbed the case. She looked up. Her father held the case with one hand, his smoking gun in the other.
“Let me have it Mie,” he said, “and I will still take you away from all this.” He turned and fired a few shots, before turning back. He smiled at her. As much as she wanted to know her father for real, she believed she knew him well enough from her research. He was no better than her mother. A bullet hit him in the shoulder. He grunted, turning and firing again. As he did so, Mie pulled back, ripping the case from his grip, but she lost her footing as she did so. She stumbled back, bumping in to the railing. She tipped for a moment, almost falling over the railing. She recovered, sighing deeply at how close she’d come to falling.

Her father approached, his hand reaching out for the case. As Mie pulled the case in close to her chest, a bullet hit her in the shoulder. Unable to fight the momentum, Mie went over the railing, the case clutched tightly to her chest.
Although she didn’t fall far, she somehow twisted around, landing on her stomach. She vaguely felt the case crunch underneath her as her head cracked on the pavement.


Mie woke up suddenly, trying to sit up. Pain danced over her body, from head to toe, her head throbbing. She barely understood the voices beside her, asking her questions.
When her world solidified itself, despite the pain, Mie found herself strapped to a gurney. Standing over her were two paramedics, one with defibrillator paddles in his hands. His face showed relief, obviously glad she had regained consciousness.

Mie lifted her head as best she could, grunting as a paramedic’s hand pressed a red and black bandage firmly her stomach wound. She felt the bandage wrapped around her head, partly covering one eye, with another covering the wound in her shoulder. As the two paramedics sat down, relieved they’d restarted her heart, Mie saw something strange happening with the bandage. She watched the black substance on the bandage retract towards her wound. Although She felt nothing, there was no mistaking where the black fluid was heading. The paramedics seemed oblivious to the disappearing stain, as paddles were placed back in their cradle. When the bandage was only covered in red, Mie noticed the pain in her stomach and shoulder eased, until there was no pain at all, except for the hand pressing on her stomach.
“What did you give me?” Mie asked, amazed at how fast the pain subsided with whatever they gave her.
“Other than a zap, nothing,” the first paramedic answered. “Why?”
“Nothing?” Mie looked down at her stomach, “but my stomach doesn’t hurt.”
“It might be shock,” the paramedic replied, “but a bullet wound is a serious thing.” He lifted the bandage slightly, wary of the blood previously pulsing the hole in her stomach. Mie watched his face change, when he realized the blood no longer pulsed from the wound, because the wound was gone. No bullet hole, no scar, nothing. No indication at all the skin had suffered any kind of trauma.
“What the?” both paramedics said in unison, grabbing a clean bandage to wipe away all the blood. Her stomach was flat and smooth. Mie watched them lift the bandage on her shoulder wound, revealing blood but no bullet hole. What happened next occurred so quickly, Mie still isn’t clear on what actually happened. One moment, the two paramedics were leaning over her, examining her healed skin, wounds, at a total loss to explain how. The next, her skin began bubbling like a pot of hot water. Mie felt no pain, just a strange sensation. Then, her hands and forearms began to change sporadically, her fingers shortening then extending. They would be soft, squishy flesh, then in an instant, extend or shrink, changing to a metal-like substance. Then her whole hands changed, forming almost axe-like blades. Mie freaked out, struggling with the straps that held her. She screamed as she kicked, trying to free herself. Suddenly, her hands shot out, turning to sword-like blades. Mie screamed louder when she realized the blades impaled the two paramedics. Mie drew back, pulling her sword-arms out of the two paramedics, her struggling somehow slicing through her restraints. The blade-like appendages retracted, returning to her hand shape as she sat up.
“I’m, I’m sorry,” Mie cried, watching both paramedics collapse heavily to the floor. She heard driver call out, wanting to know what happened. Mie, in a total panic, tears streaming down her face, sat up removed her leg restraints. She swayed sideways as she felt the ambulance pulling over. She checked, confirming both paramedics were still breathing.

The ambulance came to a full stop, the driver calling out as he leapt from his seat. Mie looked at him apologetically as she swung the back door open. She took off, hearing the driver call out to her. A quick glance showed he’d remained in the ambulance, so Mie kept running. She got strange looks as she passed people. Her torn clothes exposing her tattoos, the Yakuza branding her mother had given her. Mie ran long and hard, heading away from people. That was the last anyone saw Mie Kuznetsov for quite some time.



Ami Urigata entered the building with her guards, all heavily armed. They moved quickly from room to room, noting bodies of security guards littered throughout. It had been six months since Ami’s daughter, Mie, had disappeared. The stories about her disappearance were becoming urban legend. How she sliced up two paramedics while strapped to a bed, before running off. Ami knew her daughter was not a real killer, not like she was.

Despite a frantic search, Mie hadn’t been found. But a report had come in. Mie was seen going in to this Yakuza meeting house. As a group, they burst in to the main meeting room. There were eight bodies in chairs, all missing heads. On the floor around the room, were the bodyguards, the ‘muscle’. All dead. The walls and floor were covered in bullet holes, the smell of gunpowder still in the air. Leaning against the wall, at the back of the room, was Mie. She was covered in blood, tears streaming down her face. Somehow, Ami knew the blood wasn’t her daughters.
“What have you done Mie?” Ami asked, amazed her daughter could cause so much carnage. Mie looked up, sobbing.
“I just wanted the money,” she cried. “I asked nicely, but they yelled, and started shooting. I didn’t want to kill them, I didn’t. But they didn’t stop.” Mie stood up, holding a briefcase in her hand, a chain attached with someone’s hand still connected.
“That is not your money,” Ami said, using her angry mother tone, knowing exactly what the contents of the briefcase were. That comment stopped Mie’s tears, her young face looking at all the armed men surrounding her mother.
“I need it,” she said, “to get away from you, from all this.” She stood up, using the wall to support herself as she stood.
“Give me the case and I’ll let you go,” Ami spoke, seeing the determined look on her daughter’s face as she stood up and started walking towards them.
“Just let me go, mum, and you’ll never see me again.” Her daughter kept walking forward, the briefcase full of money firmly in one hand. Her eyes never left Ami, or the five Yakuza members, with guns aimed at the bloodied girl that’d killed the high-ranking members.
“That money is not yours,” one of the men said, tightening the grip on his gun.
“Traitor,” another said, firing his weapon. Ami cursed, expecting to see her daughter drop. The bullet hit Mie in the chest, but stuck there, half in, half out. Ami was relieved, thinking Mie was wearing a bullet-proof vest. Mie down looked down at the bullet, then looked back up. She smiled.

The men unloaded their weapons, emptying their clips in to Ami’s daughter, peppering her with bullets, despite Ami yelling at them to stop shooting. Ami watched her daughter dance as she was hit repeatedly, in the face and the chest. But they too sat half embedded in her skin. Ami realized her daughter was not wearing a bulletproof vest, with her face half covered with bullets. Ami stared, wondering how her daughter still stood there.

When the bullets started moving, slowly sinking in to her skin, Ami gasped. Then, each wound closed over, leaving no marks what so ever. Even the clothes her daughter wore appeared to repair itself.
Ami’s daughter stood before her, covered in blood, but without a single mark on her.
“Thank you for that,” she said, “I needed new material. And now, please step aside mother. Let me go.” Ami heard blades slide from sheathes as Mie moved forward.
“Please don’t make me do this,” Mie frowned. The men surged forward, blades at the ready. Ami stood rooted to the spot, in awe of her daughter as one of her hands lengthened, changing in to a sharp blade. A clicking sound made Ami look down, Mie’s feet had changed as well, looking like scimitar blades. She danced amongst them, dipping, twisting and flipping, until she ended up in front of Ami. All five men lay on the ground, clutching their arms in close, blood pouring from the stumps. Their hands, still holding knives, were scattered about on the floor.

Mie paused for a moment, looking directly at her mother, for a connection, anything. But, as usual, she saw nothing. Whatever link the two shared, was gone. Mie stepped around her mother, briefcase in hand, walking out of the room.

Ami turned, watching her daughter walk away, her limbs having returned to normal. Ami knew that look of determination on her daughter’s face, a look Ami herself wore many times. Drawing her gun, Ami pointed it at the back of her daughters’ head. Mie slowed down, sensing a threat, but kept moving.

“Stop Mie,” her mother said behind her, the tiniest ounce of pleading in her voice, an almost gentle command Mie heard constantly growing up. But she knew the gentle tone was fake, a lie to make you do as you were told. Mie was done with all that.
“If you want me to stop, mother, shoot me.”
“It doesn’t matter if I shoot you or not,” Ami replied, lowering her gun, “no matter where you go, you’re still one of us. You bear the markings of your heritage. That is something you cannot hide. No matter what you have become now, you’ll always be Yakuza.” Mie stopped, dropping the briefcase on the floor. She rolled the sleeve up to expose her tattooed skin.

“You mean these?” Ami heard her daughter ask, watching Mie's raised arm flash silvery-black. In an instant, the skin returned to normal, completely devoid of tattoos.

“I was never Yakuza!” Mie spat, bending down to pick up the briefcase, then moving to the door that lead out on to the street.

When Mie's hand touched the door handle, Ami lifted her gun instinctively, ready to stop a thief, aiming at the side of her daughter’s head. Mie, appearing to sense the threat, turned and looked directly at Ami.

The pair remained that way for a minute, before Ami lowered her gun, just a little. Taking a deep breath, "Can I do this?" she asked herself. Could she choose blood over Yakuza? Sideways glances at the maimed guards meant Mie had become dangerous, to the clan. She smiled, knowing what this would do for her if she brought her daughter in. She paused, for the tiniest of moments, contemplating her decision. As Mie turned the handle, Ami raised the gun and fired. The bullet travelled swiftly, striking Mie in the forehead. Ami’s wasn’t totally surprise, the bullet bounced off, dropping to the floor, only a tiny mark where the bullet impacted. She watched Mie touch her forehead, frowning.

“And now,” Mie sighed, shaking her head, “I'm dead to you. You’re lucky I’m not my mother or father’s daughter.” She turned and opened the door, walking out of the building.

MadMickyG
August 12th, 2018, 08:50 AM
OMG, three re-edits already. I need someone to check this for me, because I think I find everything, but clearly don't.

Especially when I rewrite a paragraph. I sometimes don't remove the original paragraph contents, so I say the same thing twice in one or two sentences. :P

Harper J. Cole
August 16th, 2018, 11:58 PM
I did find quite a few small errors reading through, including some instances of you using the same word in quick succession. In general, you maybe started too many sentences with the word "She". Writing "into" and "onto" as two words instead of one was another problem. I've written out all the problem sentences below. I think that you'll quick see the problems with many of them, but feel free to ask if there's any you'd like me to clarify.

In terms of the story itself, I enjoyed the first section the most, with her escape from the dungeon. After that the story seemed to skip ahead, which threw me a bit. Still, the potential is there, once you eliminate the errors. Perhaps software like Word would help to find some of these?

Here are those problem lines ...



The death and destruction the pair caused, started in Osaka, but travelled with them to Tokyo.
The technology was being shipped overseas in the next a few days, so she had to get it before then.
Staring at the ceiling, Mie focused her attention on the vent in the ceiling.
Taking measured steps from the wall, marking her run-up distance, Mie next to the door.
With a grunt, Mie sprinted the short distance, leaping in to the air.
Mie waited a few minutes, listening as the guards returned to their previous argument, about which super hero they'd like to kill.
It too two more attempts before she stuck the landing.
Arcing down, her toes braced on the ledge, she her bent knees to collect and redirect her momentum up.
She stifled a laugh as her hands grabbed the window frame, a sharp metal edge digging in to her fingers.
Releasing her left hand to grab shoelaces from her mouth, she reached up and wrapped them around one of the window bars.
An idea came to her, but it was crazy. But she knew she didn't have much choice.
She maneuvered the vent cover in to the hole, sliding it quietly and carefully.
Worming her way slowly along the tiny passageway, turning left and right, making her towards the shaft that lead to the roof intake.
After twenty-five minutes of squirming around the vents, she finally stood up, pushing out the small mesh panel that opened out on to the roof.
She squeezed through, out on to the metal roof.
A quick scan told her there were no guards on this side. She shimmied down the pipe and out in to the minimalist garden that surround the house.
Considering the contents of case attached to her hip contained, she couldn’t understand why there wasn’t more security.
When she researched the company, she found no mention of their technological breakthrough, decades ahead of it’s time.
Evidently, it wasn’t public knowledge yet she surmised.
Mie confirmed the details herself, skeptical of her friends claim.
But then, Mie never thought superheroes would become a reality, but fantasy and reality were entwined.
Mie heart was racing, so close now to having a way out.
Mie pulled in to the parking space.
She looked around, this the only western-style carpark in the area, for the buyer’s vehicle.
Mie smiled nervously.
“Is that my money?” she asked, her voice wavering nervously.
She grabbed it, twisting it as she kicked back, striking whoever it was the stomach.
Pulling the case away revealed the bullet passed clean through the case, with a matching hole in her stomach.
Mie tipped the case on its’ side, to stop the liquid from leaking out.
She stumbled back, bumping in to the railing. She tipped for a moment, almost falling over the railing. She recovered, sighing deeply at how close she’d come to falling.
Mie lifted her head as best she could, grunting as a paramedic’s hand pressed a red and black bandage firmly her stomach wound.
Although She felt nothing, there was no mistaking where the black fluid was heading.
She heard driver call out, wanting to know what happened.
Mie was seen going in to this Yakuza meeting house.
As a group, they burst in to the main meeting room.
On the floor around the room, were the bodyguards, the ‘muscle’.
She stood up, using the wall to support herself as she stood.
The men unloaded their weapons, emptying their clips in to Ami’s daughter, peppering her with bullets, despite Ami yelling at them to stop shooting.
Then, each wound closed over, leaving no marks what so ever.
Ami stood rooted to the spot, in awe of her daughter as one of her hands lengthened, changing in to a sharp blade.
Whatever link the two shared, was gone.


HJC

MadMickyG
August 17th, 2018, 02:10 AM
Thanks HJC. Why I edited 3 times after posting, because I found issues with my wording. Trying to make it flow better, but still need to work on that.

With regard to the jumping ahead, these stories (there's 1 for each of the women in my Captain and Commander story) is to allow people to get to know them better.
I jumped Mie ahead, to skip out on too much story, not necessary for guiding the character. Perhaps a little more, to flesh out her understanding what she could do with the nanotech, and a few more details building up to the heist itself. Specifically regarding the paranoia incase she was being followed by the Yakuza after escaping.

Some of the double word use is because I changed the sentence structure, but forgot to remove part of the old line.

I do use Word, but it doesn't always pick up grammar problems. Usually only tells me the names of my characters are spelt incorrectly. Like Office would know!

Harper J. Cole
August 17th, 2018, 11:20 AM
Yes, Word doesn't tend to like character names. Not sure which version you have, but there's usually an "add to dictionary" option so that it won't keep complaining about the same name.