PDA

View Full Version : Part of my Story about a ghost



Dino_Gonzalez
August 3rd, 2018, 02:20 AM
Do you believe ghost exist… you should, because this story is about a short, scrawny, sickly, pale, looking girl who, just so happens to have died a long, long time ago. Every morning, she stares and follows this boy right here. Her infatuation leans on his shoulders as he studies and sits on his chest while he sleeps, but she, herself, can never sleep, so she waits and watches. Tick-tock, tick-tock …. She takes so much happiness from this.


He’s a good boy. He studies diligently through his shoulders aches and back pain, and this small room is kept ever so clean and spotless. Yet, he’ll misplaces things, somehow, and everyday will end just as meaningless as the last.

However today, as he walks back home, he notices someone he hasn't seen for so long time, a girl, from back when he wasn’t so alone. Today he thought, today is going to be a good day. He walks up to her and says, “hey, its been forever, how’ve you ….”, but before he could finish, she puffs and runs away into her house. And when he rings the doorbell, there is no answer. The emptiest silence fills the air. To feel worse than he did just one minute ago, he must have thought impossible until just now. Tears almost overpower his fragile face as he tries to hold back saying. “What's wrong with me,” He leaves her a note just in case.. He didn't know why, in case what, but, nothing will come of it anyways - him trying to reach out to someone. Nothing ever does, so he, starts on his long walk home, two excruciatingly long blocks away, walking as slow as the day seems long, feeling as empty as the night sky. On and On… On and On…

Notes

Whats most important to me, is if its entertaining. What I really want to know is if this is an enjoyable read. I have ideas, but I'm not necessarily adept at forming sentences that can live through the ideas just yet. Or at least, I don't feel that way. Any kind of feedback would help.

sigmadog
August 3rd, 2018, 04:33 AM
I'm intrigued by this short bit, but there's not enough "meat on the bones" for me to say it's entertaining just yet.

There are elements of mystery and character background that could be developed to heighten interest and make it more entertaining, but I'm having a hard time figuring out some sentences due to grammar issues. Try reading it aloud to yourself, that might help you spot some of the problems.

As a reader, the important thing to me is that something needs to happen to keep my interest and make me want to continue reading. In this brief glimpse of a story, my interest is highest when the girl runs away into her house. After that, for me at least, the story kind of fades away into the boys feelings of sadness, but since I don't really know him, it's hard for me to care at that point.

A good story will make me care about the characters first, either because they are interesting characters, or their backgrounds and/or actions are compelling, then I will respond to their emotional states when things go bad for them.

One thing I've found in trying to write stories myself, is that it's difficult to convey the fullness of what my story is about into words on paper (or a screen!). Why is this? For me, I think it's because I make the mistake of assuming the reader will know what's in my head. But that's impossible, so the struggle for me is to translate as clearly to the reader what is in my mind without assuming they already know. That's the challenge of writing, for me. Well, that and trying to make it fun and interesting.

Hope that helps! Keep working at it!

Dino_Gonzalez
August 3rd, 2018, 07:19 AM
To be honest, I knew it was going to be a bit bad at least, but I guess, I did need to hear someone say,"why should I care." I rewrote that so many times, and only now, after reading what you said, did I think, this is garbage. I tried so hard to make it work that I was getting full of myself.

It was my bad introduction, to characters no one cared about. I'm still learning how to put the scenes down on paper and build them properly. I see writing too much like comic books. I shouldn't think like that. but yes, I haven't build the character at all yet. Its obvious and I didn't see it.

"A good story will make me care about the characters first, either because they are interesting characters, or their backgrounds and/or actions are compelling, then I will respond to their emotional states when things go bad for them."

this was the next paragraph btw, I have action planned, but I'm square one getting into it, you know. I'm going to try much harder rewriting before posting here again. Thank you for replying sigmadog (https://www.writingforums.com/members/59639-sigmadog), It literally made my day.


“Yes, I got here safely. I'll be home soon” she says to her mother - her first thought to catch up with her old friends, specifically a boy she had or has a silly crush on. He was always so diligent and clean, and she liked weird shit like that. “I wonder what he's been up to” she quietly mumbles to herself while inadvertently giving a big hug to at least 4 books . She gets to her old home, and finds the key under the flower pot. This probably wasn't too hard to find ‘cause she does have a tendency of looking down a lot. As she gets the last of her things down, she hears footsteps behind her. She turns around to check who it could be since it's a small town, and she knew almost everyone. Anyone at all would be a happy surprise.
But, what she sees stuns her. Panicking, She runs inside, locks door behind her, and looks out the curtain... still sees it. It's just there, out in the open. It’s like a demon, vaguely resembles a girl, standing on the top of her foot - how. And wait... is that the boy she was just thinking of, right next to it. She sees him leave a note for her, and as he leaves, the thing, stays a while longer, grabs the note and eats it, while looking directly at her, and smiling. That thing walks away happily and climbs his back. And without thinking anything of it, she pulls her phone and snaps a picture. A heart skip later, a pause, the image shows it’s head turned completely around, looking right at her. She finds herself shivering uncontrollably.




https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/0sqCwXLN8NwM3-geMDyBp-eCMwCyxZDwRQpCt8vwm8K73nXy9X2cH59n7lFRBFcJkrdV1XgV c8pG9ITeSO7fnZeSytI6IjOp8JcCm56ERES2JQX2OHaS5Sz2NE o8z7-cGlrZeNCC