PDA

View Full Version : a random setting description



Art3mis
July 13th, 2018, 08:55 AM
The whole boarding school building is amazing. The walls are made of polish, white marble. The window frames are made of gold. They sparkle when the moon hits them. Ė Itís like in a cheesy fairy tale! But itís all real. In the gate is curved Moon Academy engraved. The huge doors swing beside when the limousine drives through the doors.
ďAnd? Do you like it here, miss?Ē the driver asks as if it would happen every time.
ďI canít find any word for it.Ē I answer.
Many students walk the graveled path along. Some stops and waves their hands friendly. They maybe think, who is the new students?
A huge bush maze graces the right side of the schoolís entrance. I hope the lessons arenít there. I wouldnít find back! Iím a loser in riddles.
ďHere we are.Ē The limousine stops. The driver exit and opens me the car door.

escorial
July 13th, 2018, 09:37 AM
I enjoyed it...partly because the topic has always interest me but the writing was very fluid and delivered in a very youthful exuberant tone...all in all great stuff

H.Brown
July 13th, 2018, 12:19 PM
The whole boarding school building is amazing. The walls are made of polish, white marble. The window frames are made of gold. They sparkle when the moon hits them. – It’s like in a cheesy fairy tale! But it’s all real. In the gate is curved Moon Academy engraved. The huge doors swing beside when the limousine drives through the doors.
“And? Do you like it here, miss?” the driver asks as if it would happen every time.
“I can’t find any word for it.” I answer.
Many students walk the graveled path along. Some stops and waves their hands friendly. They maybe think, who is the new students?
A huge bush maze graces the right side of the school’s entrance. I hope the lessons aren’t there. I wouldn’t find back! I’m a loser in riddles.
“Here we are.” The limousine stops. The driver exit and opens me the car door.


i picked up on a typo that spoiled the flow for me but this was very minor and at the beginning Art. I like the imagery of the frames sparkling in the moon light, very isual which is good for writing. I like the academy name also Moon Acedemy makes it intriguing and mysterious. You raise questions in my mind such as who is this person, why are they here, what will they do? All these questions make me want to read more and learn more about this place and person.

Have you wrote more?

Art3mis
July 13th, 2018, 12:39 PM
@H.Brown. No. because it’s just for improving. But thanks.

H.Brown
July 13th, 2018, 12:43 PM
@H.Brown. No. because itís just for improving. But thanks.

When you say it is just for improving whoat do you mean Art? If it is not going any further, then how is it for improving, to improve is to move forward, therefore why does improving this piece not add anything to it?

I think you have a solid idea here that could become more.

Art3mis
July 13th, 2018, 12:51 PM
@H.Brown Writing is a kind of art.

bdcharles
July 13th, 2018, 01:30 PM
The whole boarding school building is amazing. The walls are made of polished white marble, the window frames are made of gold, and they sparkle when the moon hits them, . – It’s like in a cheesy fairy tale! But it’s real, all real. In the gate is curved[<- ?] Moon Academy [<- cool name! I'm interested. Don't lose me] engraved[<- ?]. The huge doors swing beside aside when the limousine drives through the doors.
“And? Do you like it here, miss?” the driver asks as if it would happen every time.[<- ?]
“I can’t find any word for it.[comma]” I answer.[<- nice bit of dialogue]
Many students walk along the graveled path along. Some stops and waves their hands friendly[<- ?]. They maybe think, who is are the new students?
A huge bush maze graces [<- nice!] the right side of the school’s entrance. I hope the lessons aren’t there. I wouldn’t find ["my way"] back! I’m a loser in riddles.[<- ?]
“Here we are.” The limousine stops. The driver exits and opens me the car door.

Quick session with the red pen:

SPaG
Style/what I wanted to read
Strike = delete
text[<- ?] = don't understand the underlined bit
[comment/"addition"]

Hope this helps. Let me know if any confusion.