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Art3mis
July 11th, 2018, 02:51 PM
I look out of the window. The red color of the planet is beautiful. It is similar to the mars’ surface. I can’t believe that I’m in space!
“Gorgeous, isn’t it?” says a not-so-foreign voice. I turn around. Ruby stands in front of me now. Her blonde is lifted by the huge blower.
“Yes! I know.” I cross my arms. “What do you want?”
“Nothing. Just looking out of the window.”
She steps forward and pushes me beside. “Get out of her!”
“No. I was first here.”
“Do ya really wanna that I call the guards?”
“This trick doesn’t work. Here are cams.”
“You mean these cams”. Ruby holds two cams in the hand. How did she do this? I don’t know.
“Ok!” I say annoyed and go out. I turn around and go The door is open automatically when I go forward to it. Damn! She did it again.

H.Brown
July 11th, 2018, 03:18 PM
Hi Art3mis are you wanting to take this piece further? Your writing has promise but there are a couple of issues that I found when reading this short piece. The writing reads like a list rather than a smooth piece of prose, this can be changed byadding a little more discription to grab the reader, for example:

Looking out the window at this planet's beautiful red rock I sighed, it was so similar to Mar's surface. Gazing around the planet I still couldn't believe that I was really in space.

Georgeous, isn't it?" A not-so foreign voice asked behind me...

Just adding more elements and feelings into the writing the more believeable the story becomes. You also need to have a look at some of the missing words in your sentences for example: "Her blonde is lifted by the huge bower." You have missed out the word hair, Her blonde hair lifted by the blower. I think that you also need to think about which tnese you want to set your story in and stick to it, past, present or future narrative voice, this will once again help the reader submerse into the scene.

I hope that this helps in some way and I would be happy to look at a revised version as I do believe this has promise. :)

undead_av
July 13th, 2018, 05:45 AM
for flash fiction, showing and not telling is really important. this feels like more of an excerpt, which is fine, but if it's meant to be a standalone then it should have an arc, even though it's so short.

Snelbrouler
July 15th, 2018, 05:56 AM
for flash fiction, showing and not telling is really important. this feels like more of an excerpt, which is fine, but if it's meant to be a standalone then it should have an arc, even though it's so short.

I'd agree with that statement. I think the story would work better given more context.
Also the dialogue seems a bit choppy and has several typos.

Dino_Gonzalez
August 2nd, 2018, 10:26 PM
is Ruby introduced before ??? I'm just a bit thrown off by that, since I'm like whose Ruby

Otto Gramm
August 13th, 2018, 10:59 PM
It looks like a small snatch ripped out of a story... only the story is missing here.

PaleWriter
September 18th, 2018, 07:13 PM
"Flash Fiction"?
Am new here... please explain?

This piece could be so much more with a little more thought.
For instance:


“Gorgeous, isn’t it?” says a not-so-foreign voice. I turn around. Ruby stands in front of me now. Her blonde is lifted by the huge blower.
Who the heck is Ruby and what is her relationship with MC?
What blowers? What are they located? Purpose?


“You mean these cams”. Ruby holds two cams in the hand. How did she do this? I don’t know.
I get the impression Ruby swiped the cameras.
Where are they normally? I assume they are surveillance cameras?
MC gives up too easily. Calling the guards with Ruby having 'cams' in her hand would sink her I'd think.
Give it more thought.


“Ok!” I say annoyed and go out. I turn around and go The door is open automatically when I go forward to it. Damn! She did it again.
In this segment MC leaves twice... did ya mean to express it in this manner?
Also, the door opening sentence is a little clumsy. Restating it as...
"...The door opens automatically as I leave. ..."
is more polished, in my humble opinion.

Thank you for sharing this.
I really would like to review it after you straighten it up a bit!