PDA

View Full Version : random 150 words flash fiction



Art3mis
July 10th, 2018, 06:47 PM
The crimson blood drops from her fang. Now she is wild like an animal. Thatís it! Wild and deadly like an animal.
ďTiana, I donít think thatís a good idea.Ē I say. But itís useless. Tiana is affected by the virus. Even she got the notorious amber-gold eyes. Tiana moves forwards. Faster and faster. I can only hope that Alexei arrives quickly. My heart throbs. Iím sweating.óActually, it should be impossible for a dhampir. Actually!
Itís gonna to be my end. From a civil vampire, she turns into a predator. Cold and heartless. Tiana stands some inches in front of me. I can Ö Whump!
Tianaís body falls on the ground. Alexei has a silver stack in the hand and stands behind the inanimate body. I pull myself together and stand up. I throw my tattered black leather jacket into the next garbage can. I turn around, ďThank you!Ē.

Jack of all trades
July 10th, 2018, 09:52 PM
Alright. Pretty good.

Like all first drafts, there's some room for improvement.

When I first read the opening, I thought Tiana was the main character, and she was the one thinking "That's it!" I think you need to rework it and establish the main character. Make it clear that the MC is the one seeing the drip of blood.

This doesn't give much info about the main character, but flash pieces often don't, so I'm not sure that matters much. But when the dhampir and sweating is mentioned, I'm not totally sure if the main character and narrator is a dhampir.

I don't see the value of the sentence "Actually!" There's probably something you are trying to convey with that, but it's not coming through to me.


Again, there's potential here! I have seen worse first attempts. You have a creativity and enthusiasm for writing that should be pursued.

bdcharles
July 10th, 2018, 11:48 PM
The crimson blood drops from her fang. Now she is wild like an animal. That’s it! Wild and deadly like an animal.
“Tiana, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I say. But it’s useless. Tiana is affected by the virus. Even she got the notorious amber-gold eyes. Tiana moves forwards. Faster and faster. I can only hope that Alexei arrives quickly. My heart throbs. I’m sweating.—Actually, it should be impossible for a dhampir. Actually!
It’s gonna to be my end. From a civil vampire, she turns into a predator. Cold and heartless. Tiana stands some inches in front of me. I can … Whump!
Tiana’s body falls on the ground. Alexei has a silver stack in the hand and stands behind the inanimate body. I pull myself together and stand up. I throw my tattered black leather jacket into the next garbage can. I turn around, “Thank you!”.

With flash, watch out for repetition. You want everything to matter, so doubling up just burns word count. Then think about words you can live without: but, that, it's, only, should, etc. Strip these out and a new kind of nascent voice can emerge.

But the main thing is - what's notable about this? The basic arc is "everything turned out OK". Why should it? Why not have the I get afflicted. Maybe they don't realise it till the final sentence. Go for max impact.

J T Chris
July 11th, 2018, 12:03 AM
I'm glad to see you post some work.

This is a good first piece. I don't necessarily think I'd consider it flash fiction -- flash fiction has a resolution. This seems more like a displaced scene from a much-larger piece of writing.


The crimson blood drops from her fang. Now she is wild like an animal. That’s it! Wild and deadly like an animal.

I like that you are thinking visually. You use adjectives and simile to convey an image to a reader. Keep this sort of technical thinking up throughout the course of your writing and you'll be in good shape.


“Tiana, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say. But it’s useless. Tiana is affected by the virus. Even she got the notorious amber-gold eyes.

I can't tell if this was a stylistic choice for your narrator, or just a grammar error. If it's style, it doesn't seem consistent with the rest of the voice. Regardless, this is more of that imagery that I like to see you using.

You're off to a good start and you show promise as a writer. Now stop asking other forum members to do your thinking for you and write more!

Lizzie Brookes
September 11th, 2018, 03:43 PM
The crimson blood drops from her fang. Now she is wild like an animal. That’s it! Wild and deadly like an animal.
“Tiana, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I say. But it’s useless. Tiana is affected by the virus. Even she got the notorious amber-gold eyes. Tiana moves forwards. Faster and faster. I can only hope that Alexei arrives quickly. My heart throbs. I’m sweating.—Actually, it should be impossible for a dhampir. Actually!
It’s gonna to be my end. From a civil vampire, she turns into a predator. Cold and heartless. Tiana stands some inches in front of me. I can … Whump!
Tiana’s body falls on the ground. Alexei has a silver stack in the hand and stands behind the inanimate body. I pull myself together and stand up. I throw my tattered black leather jacket into the next garbage can. I turn around, “Thank you!”.

You have used some beautiful language in this piece.