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Albo Ari
May 9th, 2018, 05:16 AM
Hello, this is my first thread. My motive for this work is to work on my writing as you will read at the minimum it feels disordered . The third paragraph is my attempt to a descriptive non dialogue filler , as well as an introduction to the fourth paragraph. It is very apparent my use of personification, which I found clever. I would mention that I am in no search for hard feelings and I would completely rewrite this if needed , I would appreciate any mistake underlined or suggestion to make me a greater writer. My difficulty's are grammar, transitions, flow, and basic knowledge of writing, as I have seen on my recent time on this forum there is a lot I do not know which would be perfect to understand more clearly with my own words below. Thanks in advance.


She was gone , but come to think of it there was nothing left of me either. It felt as if I was spectating what I would be up to around now. I was watching myself with no control of what is to come. It was an erratic change , which was an fitting out come of her absence . Sensation left me , I was devoid of any earthly delights. Just mindless, mundane interactions walking in the dark park. The rather bright light poles above me naturally gravitated me to the pockets of shadows. Even then I continued to the next pole. That continued till a noise in the distance brought me back , my misery was relentless. I took a seat on that feeling and felt what any being in my position would feel like(Or paused and relight what started it all). My ears rung, I screamed as if no one could hear me , I asked her to comeback with every howl . She gave me something to lose, that girl.

Her presence kept me tidy and pleasant, in fear I would have upset her to facsimile(or reflect not sure at the moment) my emotions. My happiness she seemed to have plenty of and would distribute it to me in readily fashion. She knew what would make me smile or laugh. She had the answer to my reaction when I thought I needed more to say to keep pleasing her to please me more. But she was happy that I was happy. And I immediately knew we would last forever because she had the advantage of a good smile , one worth living for, one that will make you wear armour on a walk on the beach . To fortify the preservation of your life just to see it again. Then shortly after I realized she was not looking at me but what I could be , and I was her finest investment. With a bountiful harvest of joy and understanding, So long as I found I was not unilateral within our lives we would remain together.

I took what felt like a heavy breath and exhaled a short burst of steam through my nose. I moved my posture over towards the arm of the bench, and felt the moisture of my body and the clothes I wore. The gaps between the benches material spread points of pressure in different parts of my comfortability. I took a similar breath and wiped the cold sweat off my forehead with the hair side of my arm, I dispersed the wetness of my arm by raising my character forward and wiping off the dew on to my already cold moist back. My arm finally getting rest from the previous position convinced the other to push against the bench in revolt. The next breath was one of conceit as my back had also dealt with enough and made my legs kick and I took the hint that I should keep moving. Now with my own body nagging me, the eyes(or my eyes) convinced me the path had been a staircase down as I could not keep my focus off my shoes. I continued with what was left, my depressive mind and delved in it.

I have sworn to make amends with myself and forgive myself of all I have done without happiness. Not for time but for the lack of adjudication(Or unresolved issue) of this treachery sewn night. I could ask for a second chance or at least warp my memories. I continue to ask ‘have I not lived without dignity’? And continue by then asking myself , if I know of whom I speak at night whilst my mind scavenges the carcass of opportunity picking away from fantasy and leaving what belongs, what had actually happened. My life was that paroxysm of chance long ago in which I played my hand and missed out on what it could have been. My life is the nightmare of luck, a single brush of fate. A miniscule injury, a forgotten hum. The epitome of desire versus reality. Yet, her reflection was a guide to me in the outline of hope.

bdcharles
May 9th, 2018, 09:56 AM
Hi Albo Ari, and welcome. Looking at your first paragraph, I thought your first sentence (which as you know is one of the big ones) was very voicey and hooked me right in, made me want to know what had happened and what condition the narrator-I was in (I guess I'm morbid like that hehe). Second sentence though is pretty filter heavy. What do I mean by that? I mean writing that focuses on the way the character is feeling or perceiving, rather than presenting what they feel or perceive. A little filtering is ok, to anchor us, but too much and us readers start visualising some individual looking, wondering, remembering, noticing, feeling stuff, and not the stuff they are feeling or thinking about. Thnk about which point of view (POV) you are in, and write as if you are that person. For example:

"She was gone[NO SPACE HERE], but come to think of it there was nothing left of me either. It felt as if I was spectating what I would be up to around now. "

The underlined bit above is the bulk of the filtering. What's happening? Your MC is feeling detatched from themselves, floating free as a cloud, strangely uninterested in their own personal goings-on, right? Well, you capture that decently enough in the next sentence, so this second sentence is in many ways a candidate for deletion (or saving for later if you really like it!). Also, while you are at it, watch for excessive innerspace writing too, where you focus on every single emotion but disregard the outside world. It's too much for your poor readers. Remember: you can use the outside world to reflect the inner one. Want some dark and stormy weather to set a dark mood? Invoke it. Want some telling body language to communicate exactly what a person is feeling? Puppet them into action. You are god in this world and can do anything. Also, watch your tenses so you don't flip from past to present - this is something that agents will jump in right away if you are interested in publication. So:



She was gone, but come to think of it there was nothing left of me either. I was watching myself, floating free as the clouds that drifted past the sash window, with no control of what was to come, just mindless, mundane interactions walking in the dark park [<- love that!]. The rather bright light poles above me naturally gravitated [<- "naturally gravitated" is a bit wordy] me to the pockets of shadows[<- pockets of shadows - great imagery]. Even then [<= not needed] I continued to the next pole. That continued till a noise in the distance brought me back , [<- don't use a comma here; pretty much anything else will do] my misery was relentless. I took a seat on that feeling [<- nice expression!] and felt what any being in my position would feel like(Or paused and relight what started it all) [<= both these expressions are fine, but doubling them up weakens them. Choose one. Be decisive. Use the other some other time]. My ears rung, I screamed as if no one could hear me , [<- just too I heavy, too "confessional". We get it. Don't overdo it.] I asked her to come[SPACE]back with every howl . She gave me something to lose, that girl. [<- great closing sentences of this para]


Elsewhere you have a tendency to overwrite:


I took what felt like a heavy breath and exhaled a short burst of steam through my nose.

Presumably if it felt like a heavy breath, then unless something else is going on with the breathing that you've not clued us in to, it is a heavy breath, and presumably if the 'I' huffed some steam out his nose, he breathed in some time fairly recently. This is too much extraneous detail. Next you'll be telling us how he slung one reluctant foot in front of the other as he promenaded from the living room to the fridge, lurched at the door handle and wrapped his fingers around its cool metal. People don't overly care for every tiny detail, particularly things we all can do and relate to. The following:


I exhaled a short burst of steam through my nose.

Would do. In a way your overwriting and sort of detatched style (eg: " I dispersed the wetness of my arm") is a strength - it adds uniqueness to the voice - but just be mindful of your readership :)

The last paragraph is, in its way, very well-written and image-rich, but what I'm finding is, I'm aware now that I'm not exactly sure what's happening. Some person is having a bit of a bad time - maybe their partner has left them - and is expounding on some considerable length about that, but I'm still not completely sure why. Make something happen. Give us some external stuff otherwise we will feel pinned to the relentless side of someone's grief-head.

Despite all the above, you have some lovely expressions: "treachery-sewn night", "my mind scavenges the carcass of opportunity picking away from fantasy", "a miniscule injury, a forgotten hum". I could go on.

Albo Ari
May 10th, 2018, 03:10 AM
Hey bdcharles thank you for being my first responder, I think I love you, on a less serious note my writing revised:


She was gone, but come to think of it there was nothing left of me either. Clouds had taken notice of my unadorned self, as I was mobile with no control of what is to come. It was an erratic change , which was an fitting out come of her absence . Sensation left me , I was devoid of any earthly delights. Just mindless, mundane interactions walking in the dark park. The rather bright light poles above me pulled me to the pockets of shadows. I continued to the next pole. A noise in the distance brought me back my misery was relentless. I took a seat on that feeling, paused and relit what started it all. I recitated my final words to her as if no one could hear me , knowing she could only benefit from our termination. She gave me something to lose, that girl.

Her presence turned me into an open individual, her tendency was to reflect my emotions. My happiness she seemed to have plenty of and would distribute it to me in readily fashion. She knew what would make me smile or laugh. She had the answer to my reaction when I thought I needed more to say to keep pleasing her to please me more. She enjoyed that I was happy. And I immediately knew we would last forever because she had the advantage of a good smile , one worth living for. Then suddenly after months together I realised she was not looking at me but what I could be , and I was her finest investment. All the more to never leave her side, to never harm her.

It was this same day, I kept on forgetting. We argued nothing like we had ever. I engaged in conversation she seemed uninterested. I did not dare cling to a weak branch and left her be. Se decided I had lost interest in her, I explained she must of been out of it. She took it as an insult and shoved me , with bad foot position and the rather unexpecting nature of it all throw me back and I thrusted into the doorway banging my head. I widened my eyes , exposing my teeth, bent my back and spread out my form. She could not even consider whimpering , and yelled “Stop, It was on accident”. As she was finishing the sentence I thrusted forward, as a reaction to my movement she crossed her arms and took what seemed to be the incarnation of violence on to her self. I stood over her forehead as her feet layed spread across the carpet. A call for the ambulance as well as her sister left me alone to ponder the cause of my roots finally giving in.

I have sworn to make amends with myself and forgive myself of all I have done without happiness. Not for time but for the lack of adjudication of this treachery sewn night. I could ask for a second chance or at least warp my memories. I continue to ask “have I not lived without dignity’? And continue by then asking myself , if I know of whom I speak at night whilst my mind scavenges the carcass of opportunity picking away from fantasy and leaving what belongs, what had actually happened. My life was that paroxysm of chance long ago in which I played my hand and missed out on what it could have been. My life is the nightmare of luck, a single brush of fate. A miniscule injury, a forgotten hum. The epitome of desire versus reality. Yet, her reflection was a guide to me in the outline of hope.



Ok, seems to be I am getting closer to that past tense problem , in my mind of course because my writing is still fluttered with it. I fixed and removed a few things and gave the story a "why?" like you told me . Not that I am saying I will do what you please but you were of course right I heavily suggested something took place and never mentioned it. I noticed it my writing started to feel rather bland Intel that last paragraph. I can not figure out the cause. Nonetheless I think blind rage is a characteristic of a bad person(Or atleast a broken person), as well as it being inexcusable so when I wrote the MC(Had to google mc found out it meant master of ceremonies then I thought about it I am sure you meant main character) hitting his lover I somewhat gave myself a sticky situation. Should I write a love story how to overcome abuse or a character who takes vows to never join a woman life again. Kind of like the abortion topic you could never be to strong in support of having life destroyed , but you could leave that pressure to those who would consider it. I still have a minimum understanding of filter and google told me a solid definition I guess I am to liquid to understand and spot it.

I am down for round 2 Charles.

Ralph Rotten
May 10th, 2018, 03:23 AM
Keep up the practice, you're doing very well thus far.

Albo Ari
May 10th, 2018, 05:29 AM
Thanks Ralph Rotten!
She was gone, but come to think of it there was nothing left of me either. Clouds had taken notice of my unadorned self, as I was mobile with no control of what is to come. In my mind personification looks good on anything, Do you think this is a good sentence?

I recitated my final words to her as if no one could hear me , knowing she could only benefit from our termination. She gave me something to lose, that girl. I think the flow is chunky on this.

Ralph Rotten
May 11th, 2018, 06:29 PM
"Do you think this is a good sentence?"

No.
You are working too hard to be eloquent. Find your natural voice.

Albo Ari
May 13th, 2018, 05:29 AM
My natural voice is the same way I talk to people? If so , I would be unhappy with that, please elaborate.

Ralph Rotten
May 13th, 2018, 12:52 PM
Find your natural writing voice. Every writer has a style that works for them. Some writers can pull of a formal & authoritative voice, others have a less formal style.
The second sampling you posted was eloquent, but it didn't really speak much to the character or the scene around them.

and the clause in this didn't really flow right, visually speaking:
"She was gone, but come to think of it there was nothing left of me either."

Albo Ari
May 16th, 2018, 06:45 AM
Find your natural writing voice. Every writer has a style that works for them. Some writers can pull of a formal & authoritative voice, others have a less formal style.
The second sampling you posted was eloquent, but it didn't really speak much to the character or the scene around them.

and the clause in this didn't really flow right, visually speaking:
"She was gone, but come to think of it there was nothing left of me either."

She was gone, although there was nothing left of me either.

I just googled clause , that is what it looks like I had to do. Personally, it feels easier to read. More to learn for sure, I reread my writing just now. I do notice that there is more of a notice on how I am writing than what I am writing. I am way to cautious to sound layback when I am writing, I will explore my style a bit and comeback with a new post, separate piece hopefully fixing at least some of the problems with this one.

Pete_C
May 16th, 2018, 11:13 AM
She was gone, although there was nothing left of me either.

I just googled clause , that is what it looks like I had to do. Personally, it feels easier to read. More to learn for sure, I reread my writing just now. I do notice that there is more of a notice on how I am writing than what I am writing. I am way to cautious to sound layback when I am writing, I will explore my style a bit and comeback with a new post, separate piece hopefully fixing at least some of the problems with this one.

Just looking at that first sentence...

She was gone; there was nothing left of me either.

The 'although' isn't needed; it's redundant. Unless a word is necessary or adds something, question why it's there.

Ralph Rotten
May 17th, 2018, 03:47 AM
Just keep writing and you'll develop your own voice. It takes a while, you're mastering literature, after all.

Albo Ari
May 17th, 2018, 06:59 AM
Just looking at that first sentence...

She was gone; there was nothing left of me either.

The 'although' isn't needed; it's redundant. Unless a word is necessary or adds something, question why it's there.

Man I feel like that went straight to the point, question why its there is a good tool to gain. Rereading it now she was gone and nothing left of me either is kind of a loose similar sounding phrase. Gone and left of me. Thanks for the response Pete!