PDA

View Full Version : The Artificer (Short) (454 Words)



BobtailCon
April 28th, 2018, 06:35 AM
First fish I caught was a rockhead off the coast of the Hammerhead Reef. Old enough to reel it myself, young enough not to know its name, but I learned it quick when I brought it to market. I always regretted that. Should have eaten it. Should always eat what you catch, no use selling what you catch, like selling a part of your soul. People donít understand it, but those people donít fish like we do on the Reef.


Artificers came to town rarely, their robes whipping in the salty wind, and shivering from the cold that they werenít acclimated to. They were from the deserts and the sands, from the hot sun. They didnít know of ocean fog and sea winds.


I remember the first time I saw them come to town, when I was a young man. They went from the road straight to the inn and warmed themselves by the fire. I remember sitting at one of the many booths of the common room, and watching these mysterious men with their thick robes and their old tomes that they thumbed through. They were so strange to me. They would look up and glance and nod at each other from under their hoods as if they spoke, but they never said a word. But I could see the silent conversations they had between themselves. It was like some secret language that I was witnessing; some perverse thought I should keep to myself. I just didnít understand that.


I approached one of them that night. The others had retreated to their rooms, and there was one of them left in the common room, sitting hunched in his chair as he put his weak hands near the fireplace. A yellowed tome sat in his lap, and as I approached, the hooded man closed the book and looked up to me.


He was old, but that wasnít what caught my attention. As the hood came up, I saw that he had no eyes, only dark crystals that sprouted from his eye sockets like jagged weeds and encrusted themselves in his browline. And from his brow they jutted like a horn out his forehead. And then I felt something.


It wasnít like an emotion; wasnít something you felt in your chest. I felt this in my head. My voice, the one I hear in my imaginations; the intangible narrator of my thoughts, but it wasnít repeating my thoughts.


Who are you, young one? My mind asked.


I almost spoke, but then made a focused thought.


Who are you? I thought back.


I am Jadis. The thought came to me.


Why are you here? I thought to the Artificer.


Weíre here for you. Came the Artificer.

bdcharles
April 30th, 2018, 04:41 PM
Whaaat?! Don't stop there! What the hell happens next? :) The artificers are cool.

I would watch for repetition:

Artificers came to town rarely, their robes whipping in the salty wind, and shivering from the cold that they weren’t acclimated to. They were from the deserts and the sands, from the hot sun. They didn’t know of ocean fog and sea winds.


I remember the first time I saw them come to town,


Can you use another word for the second "tome"? Unless the tome is the thing, in which case, why not Tome, capital T. Ditto "thought" in the last few lines. Make the thinking process something more arresting; that will avoid repetition as well as vividing up your prose.


But yep - intriguing, very intriguing ...

Underd0g
April 30th, 2018, 06:33 PM
That's cool. I enjoyed my introduction to the Artificers. Good name for them too.

Kebe
April 30th, 2018, 06:34 PM
Thanks for a good, but too short, read, BobtailCon! I think you have written a clean and captivating opening, which got me hooked. I liked how you gave life and depth to the main character by showing us his background as a fisherman, rather than telling us, in the beginning. Feels like an interesting story, and I wouldn’t mind reading more of it. Good luck with it.

BobtailCon
May 4th, 2018, 11:25 AM
I appreciate the replies, guys.

bdcharles - Good looking out! I had missed those repetitions.

Underd0g - Yeah, I thought the name was good as well, though honestly I don't know a thing about the Artificers yet!

Kebe - I'm glad you liked it! I try to make the very first sentence as much of a hook as I can, and sometimes a simple introduction, like talking about a fishing village, can do just that.

Sync
May 4th, 2018, 11:38 AM
I've always been advised not to use 'I remember', when narrating a story. As it is being narrated, it is redundant to say 'I remember'.

There are times when you intervene; as a writer adding extra detail you believe is needed, rather than what your story needs. When this happens you weaken the original focus.

Still, I like the piece and believe you should move it forward. I understand this is draft forum.

Sync

silvafilho
May 4th, 2018, 01:45 PM
Great, I really liked how you showed us the POV description. A fisherman. There are some repetitions as pointed above, but that is minor.

However, I can't imagine a village (or world) where artificers would come by and people wouldn't gossip about it. That said, it is odd that he is surprised by the crystal eyes, that should be major gossip matter. Maybe this particular being has crystal eyes? I don't know yet.

I'm not suggesting that you give us a whole gossip info dump, but maybe the MC never took credit on what people said about artificers, he had to see if the rumours were true.

Overall, it has a good hook and great descriptions. Well done.

undead_av
July 13th, 2018, 05:42 AM
I feel like this needs to keep going...it's definitely intriguing

Bloggsworth
July 16th, 2018, 01:19 PM
Old enough to reel it myself, young enough not to know its name - Enough used twice in one line, how about: Old enough to reel it myself, too young to know its name,

I like it so far, but a question, what do you think an Artificer is, or what do you think it means to be one? Certainly not desert dwellers...

BobtailCon
July 24th, 2018, 04:37 AM
I like it so far, but a question, what do you think an Artificer is, or what do you think it means to be one? Certainly not desert dwellers...

Hey Bloggs,

I've no clue. The Artificer is a free-write story of mine, I'm not even sure what they are.

Bloggsworth
July 24th, 2018, 08:31 AM
Hey Bloggs,

I've no clue. The Artificer is a free-write story of mine, I'm not even sure what they are.

Look it up...

Miss_Spitz
July 24th, 2018, 11:25 PM
A very interesting story. I would love to read what happens next!

Kion
July 25th, 2018, 11:36 AM
Hello, so the piece does indeed hook you. I'm not a huge fan of writing first person, but as I read, I wasn't put off. Good job.

However, when the term 'Artificer' was used, it painted a clear picture of the type of thing the 'Artificer' do, but when finding out,


I've no clue. The Artificer is a free-write story of mine, I'm not even sure what they are.

It told me that I cannot rely on the standard definition of 'Artificers', in order to describe the Artificers in your story. So I'm curious, why did you call them Artificer?