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rickyknight1
April 15th, 2017, 04:45 AM
It was late and I was passing through a short cut. It traveled into the forest, and lead me to my mother’s house. Father was not sleeping with us that summer. He had gotten sick and became very ill. He was staying with his sisters’, they were very insistent on taking care of him.

Judith is the eldest of them all, and seemed convinced that she could remedy him back to his proper health. Then I stepped closer into the woods, I was drawing nearer to the dark abyss. A darkness so strong--I felt shivers running up and down my spine, they were crawling like insects on my flesh.

That was just the beginning of my strange night. I discovered a black pond in there and it was glowing. I came near it and saw a light gleaming inside, it was trying to lure me in: but by the time I realized what was happening-- it was already too late.

I was standing in the water and it reached up to my knees. Then it stretched to wrap my body. I tried pulling away, my struggles were to no avail, for it had succeeded in merging with me. I immediately dashed for home.

There was always something comforting about the idea of seeing my mother’s face, she always had a way to cheer me up, but by the time I made it to door, I felt a strong presence overpowering me. I think the water took shape, and started controlling me. It was the first time I ever feared for my mother’s life.

When I came in she greeted me with loud screams and shouted for all the neighbors to hear.

“My darling boy what has happened to you?!” She asked. I didn’t realize I was covered in filth, my clothes were dripping wet, and water was oozing out of my mouth, and dripping like wax from my ears. I must have really frightened the poor woman.

I tried talking but what I thought sounded like perfectly coherent words, were like muffled noises, like some foul beast. Which deepened her plight. She was now alone with not her son but a complete stranger.

We stood there in awe, but it did not take long for the police to arrive, I assumed the neighbors heard us and decided to call it in. The three officers took me to a lab for further investigation, but it looked more like an experiment chamber.

There was a metallic resting table in the center of the room, and another cargo decked with sharp tools next to it. They lay me on the table and strapped me in. I was kept there for questioning,

“We believe you’re a danger to society.” The overweight Lawman said to me. He was wearing a dark blue overcoat, and his hat was too low for me to see his eyes; the only things that were obvious are his round nose and huge mustache. Every now and again he would get up from the stool to stand in the dark corner, and continue smoking his cigarette, which lit up like a red christmas light.

“We’re going to send you somewhere safe. Somewhere no one can find you.” *

My tiny legs started shaking, I was afraid of this menace. But suddenly the water leaped unto him, the cop was drenched by it. Knocking him unconscious.

I ran out through the back exit, and went into an alley, it was packed with litter. I knew exactly where to go. I went to live forever in the black pond.





Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

violinguy
April 17th, 2017, 03:50 PM
I am intrigued. This has the makings of an interesting tale. Some things need attention first.

Way too many sentences that contain "was," and a few that contain "is." First off, there are some tense issues. Most of the story is in past tense but then there is a sentence like Judith is the eldest of them all, and seemed convinced that she could remedy him back to his proper health. Then, there are sentences like this one - I was standing in the water and it reached up to my knees. Better to say something like The water reached up to my knees where I stood. One of the first things you should do when you are finished with the first draft is read it over and find all the sentences that have "was" as the verb. If possible, you should always change it to an action verb. It is more interesting that way.

Also, there are several instances of confusing narrative. Like this sentence - I tried talking but what I thought sounded like perfectly coherent words, were like muffled noises, like some foul beast. A comma here or there could help, but I might go with something like this - I tried talking, but my words fell out like the muffled noises of a foul beast. Some of your sentences read like speech. There is nothing wrong with a narrative that reads like speech (Catcher in the Rye anyone?), but it has to be clear and consistent.

There is some very good language in here - dripping like wax from my ears, and to the dark abyss. A darkness so strong, but some of these great lines are stuck in sentences that take away from their effectiveness.

All in all, this is a great start. It needs some serious editing for typos (the caps after quotes are incorrect) and clearer language, but I think it's worth expanding. One more nit-pick thing - not sure that this is the beginning of a crime thriller necessarily (even though the police are there). Maybe more of fantasy or sci-fi. :tongue:

loueleven
May 7th, 2017, 02:35 AM
I read the entire thing and I think it is a good start. You have some good stuff to
work with here. Write more! It couldn't hurt.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

who me?
May 7th, 2017, 03:33 AM
It was late and I was passing through a short cut. It traveled into the forest, and lead me to my mother’s house. Father was not sleeping with us that summer. He had gotten sick and became very ill. He was staying with his sisters’, they were very insistent on taking care of him.

Judith is the eldest of them all, and seemed convinced that she could remedy him back to his proper health. Then I stepped closer into the woods, I was drawing nearer to the dark abyss. A darkness so strong--I felt shivers running up and down my spine, they were crawling like insects on my flesh.

That was just the beginning of my strange night. I discovered a black pond in there and it was glowing. I came near it and saw a light gleaming inside, it was trying to lure me in: but by the time I realized what was happening-- it was already too late.

I was standing in the water and it reached up to my knees. Then it stretched to wrap my body. I tried pulling away, my struggles were to no avail, for it had succeeded in merging with me. I immediately dashed for home.

There was always something comforting about the idea of seeing my mother’s face, she always had a way to cheer me up, but by the time I made it to door, I felt a strong presence overpowering me. I think the water took shape, and started controlling me. It was the first time I ever feared for my mother’s life.

When I came in she greeted me with loud screams and shouted for all the neighbors to hear.

“My darling boy what has happened to you?!” She asked. I didn’t realize I was covered in filth, my clothes were dripping wet, and water was oozing out of my mouth, and dripping like wax from my ears. I must have really frightened the poor woman.

I tried talking but what I thought sounded like perfectly coherent words, were like muffled noises, like some foul beast. Which deepened her plight. She was now alone with not her son but a complete stranger.

We stood there in awe, but it did not take long for the police to arrive, I assumed the neighbors heard us and decided to call it in. The three officers took me to a lab for further investigation, but it looked more like an experiment chamber.

There was a metallic resting table in the center of the room, and another cargo decked with sharp tools next to it. They lay me on the table and strapped me in. I was kept there for questioning,

“We believe you’re a danger to society.” The overweight Lawman said to me. He was wearing a dark blue overcoat, and his hat was too low for me to see his eyes; the only things that were obvious are his round nose and huge mustache. Every now and again he would get up from the stool to stand in the dark corner, and continue smoking his cigarette, which lit up like a red christmas light.

“We’re going to send you somewhere safe. Somewhere no one can find you.” *

My tiny legs started shaking, I was afraid of this menace. But suddenly the water leaped unto him, the cop was drenched by it. Knocking him unconscious.

I ran out through the back exit, and went into an alley, it was packed with litter. I knew exactly where to go. I went to live forever in the black pond.

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk
================================================== =

if English is not your native language then I would suggest you find an editor to help.
Otherwise you should edit it carefully before submitting for comments.

eg
line 1 << lead >> is wrong
led or was leading would fit better
even leads is less wrong than lead

rickyknight1
May 7th, 2017, 11:32 PM
================================================== =

if English is not your native language then I would suggest you find an editor to help.
Otherwise you should edit it carefully before submitting for comments.

eg
line 1 << lead >> is wrong
led or was leading would fit better
even leads is less wrong than lead
yes im afraid english is not my native language, unfortunately this site is my only help, I have no other means to have my work edited.

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

who me?
May 7th, 2017, 11:43 PM
yes im afraid english is not my native language, unfortunately this site is my only help, I have no other means to have my work edited.

Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk
======================================

that will make it harder

option one
write in native language
and use software to translate it
does not always do it accurately

option two
use software to check grammar and spelling etc
not perfect but should be a big help

VonBradstein
November 1st, 2017, 04:50 AM
It was late and I was passing through a short cut. It traveled into the forest, and lead me to my mother’s house. Father was not sleeping with us that summer. He had gotten sick and became very ill. He was staying with his sisters’, they were very insistent on taking care of him.

Judith is the eldest of them all, and seemed convinced that she could remedy him back to his proper health. Then I stepped closer into the woods, I was drawing nearer to the dark abyss. A darkness so strong--I felt shivers running up and down my spine, they were crawling like insects on my flesh.

That was just the beginning of my strange night. I discovered a black pond in there and it was glowing. I came near it and saw a light gleaming inside, it was trying to lure me in: but by the time I realized what was happening-- it was already too late.

I was standing in the water and it reached up to my knees. Then it stretched to wrap my body. I tried pulling away, my struggles were to no avail, for it had succeeded in merging with me. I immediately dashed for home.

There was always something comforting about the idea of seeing my mother’s face, she always had a way to cheer me up, but by the time I made it to door, I felt a strong presence overpowering me. I think the water took shape, and started controlling me. It was the first time I ever feared for my mother’s life.

When I came in she greeted me with loud screams and shouted for all the neighbors to hear.

“My darling boy what has happened to you?!” She asked. I didn’t realize I was covered in filth, my clothes were dripping wet, and water was oozing out of my mouth, and dripping like wax from my ears. I must have really frightened the poor woman.

I tried talking but what I thought sounded like perfectly coherent words, were like muffled noises, like some foul beast. Which deepened her plight. She was now alone with not her son but a complete stranger.

We stood there in awe, but it did not take long for the police to arrive, I assumed the neighbors heard us and decided to call it in. The three officers took me to a lab for further investigation, but it looked more like an experiment chamber.

There was a metallic resting table in the center of the room, and another cargo decked with sharp tools next to it. They lay me on the table and strapped me in. I was kept there for questioning,

“We believe you’re a danger to society.” The overweight Lawman said to me. He was wearing a dark blue overcoat, and his hat was too low for me to see his eyes; the only things that were obvious are his round nose and huge mustache. Every now and again he would get up from the stool to stand in the dark corner, and continue smoking his cigarette, which lit up like a red christmas light.

“We’re going to send you somewhere safe. Somewhere no one can find you.” *

My tiny legs started shaking, I was afraid of this menace. But suddenly the water leaped unto him, the cop was drenched by it. Knocking him unconscious.

I ran out through the back exit, and went into an alley, it was packed with litter. I knew exactly where to go. I went to live forever in the black pond.





Sent from my RCT6303W87M7 using Tapatalk

Hi Ricky,

It has potential. I like the simplicity of the prose and the pacing fits with the kind of story it is.

The first item that struck me was the sentence structure and grammar - some of your sentences are over-long and, more important, contain uses of punctuation that are either grammatically incorrect or just not working for the flow. You tend to double-state things - it is not necessary to say 'he was sick and he was very ill'. Just say 'he was very ill'. You cannot 'step closer into the woods' you either step into the woods or you step close to them - not both.

Another thing, you mention an abyss in which you find a pond. An abyss is, basically, a deep hole - so would better describe the pond itself rather than its location. If you mean to say the pond is within some kind of pit, a better word might be recess...or, hey, just pit...but I'll leave that to your discretion.

Another example, a black pond cannot be glowing. It is physically impossible for anything black to glow. Either scratch the notion of glow, or make it a different color - green? I realize this would likely necessitate a title change. I also realize how trivial this sounds, but its that kind of illogic that can ruin the suspension of disbelief and thus the story.

I have done a turbo-edit below to show you how you might better edit it.

The story itself - it's fine. I like the idea and that the identity of the entity is kept very vague. That said, I think you might give us a little bit more to feed the imagination. It's a very short piece, which is fine, but you need to decide if you want this to be pure flash fiction or a short story as it's kind of bordering on either, which makes it neither, which makes it a little dissatisfying. If you want to go for a short story we need more detail about the things that matter. Doesn't necessarily have to be about the creature - I like that part of it - but about the protagonist, the location, his emotions, etc. As it is you keep it very basic and I find it hard to get the terror. Some of the details you do include is confusing. YOu mention tiny legs - is this a child? If it is a child it needs to be made clearer and you need to consider if you are realistically portraying one. Would a lawman really tell a kid he is a 'danger to society'?

There are also a lot of loose ends that either need expanded on and given some relevance to the story, or cut. For instance, the thing about Judith - so what? I appreciate you are giving some explanation for the absence of the father, but even that seems hardly relevant to the story and yet you give the impression it is by introducing it earlier on and then spending three sentences of a very small wordcount on it.

Anyway best of luck. Edit below.


It was late when I took the short cut through the forest that led back to the house where mother was waiting. Father was not with us that summer. He had gotten sick and it was serious. He was staying with his sisters. They were very insistent on taking care of him.

Shortly after entering the woods I found it. Some kind of dreary recess in the earth, a pit like a crater in which swelled a darkness so strong I felt shivers running up and down my spine, crawling like insects.

That was just the beginning.

I discovered a pond in there, glowing a muddied greenish-yellow. I remember realizing it was trying to lure me in, but by the time I knew what was happening it was already too late. The soft mud below gave way and I was standing in the water. To my surprise - or relief - it only reached up to my knees.

Then it began to stretch.

I tried pulling away, but it held on. Before I could scream it had released, successful in merging with my skin (INSERT HERE DETAIL ABOUT THIS - HOW IT FELT/SMELLED - SENSORY INFO)

I ran home.

Mother always had a way to cheer me up, but by the time I made it to door, it was impossible for anything to cheer me up again. The water had already taken shape, had started controlling me. When I finally wrenched open the door, I was no longer afraid of it but afraid for her. Afraid of what it might do when she took me in her arms.

But, it turned out, taking me in her arms was the last thing on her mind.

Her face was twisted in fear. Fear and disgust.

“What has happened to you?” She whispered.

I was covered in filth. My clothes were dripping wet, water oozing from lips strangely chapped, dripping like pus from my ears. Across the room I caught sight of my reflection in a mirror.

Seeing it, I let out a stumbled cry.

I tried to speak, but what I thought sounded like perfectly coherent words came only as a noise deep, guttural and monstrous. Hearing it only deepened poor mother's plight. She was now alone with not her son but a complete stranger.

It did not take long for the police to arrive.

I assumed the neighbors heard us and decided to call it in. The three officers took me to a lab for further investigation, but it looked more like an experiment chamber. There was a metallic resting table in the center of the room. Another cargo decked with sharp tools. They lay me on the table, strapped me in. I was kept there for questioning,

“We believe you’re a danger to society.” the overweight Lawman said.

He was wearing a dark blue overcoat. His hat was too low for me to see his eyes. All I saw was his round nose, a huge mustache. Every now and again he would get up from the stool to stand in the dark corner, and continue smoking his cigarette, which lit up like a red Christmas light. “We’re going to send you somewhere safe," he finally told me. "Somewhere no one can find you.” *

Suddenly the water leaped unto him.

The cop was drenched by it, knocking him unconscious (INSERT DETAIL HERE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE COP). I ran out through the back exit, into an alley packed with litter. I knew exactly where to go.

I went back to my pond.

VonBradstein
November 1st, 2017, 04:54 AM
I would also recommend reading, if you haven't already, the famous story "Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka. In that story a young man wakes up transformed inexplicably into a kind of monstrous insect.

While not identical to yours by any stretch it's pretty close. In both situations there is the matter of a child turning into something so monstrous it frightens the family and in both there is the theme of society's reaction toward deformity.

Robbie
November 1st, 2017, 05:37 AM
Is deformity bad?

Robbie
November 1st, 2017, 05:40 AM
I love Kafka but prefer Emily Dickinson. Now that’s a contrast not many can think about. It’s the incongruity that is beautiful and makes Life rich.

Jason
November 13th, 2017, 01:37 AM
As a second language learner, this may be somewhat difficult. BUT, if you want to be successful you'll have to master it. And that isn't to pick on you - it's the same for everyone. Me, you, and anyone who wants to be a successful author.

There are a couple things in your opening lines that require attention.

"It was late and I was passing through a short cut. It traveled into the forest, and lead me to my mother’s house."

This is passive. Passive versus active writing is a technical issue. You obviously know your grammar so will probably understand this better than most native speakers who have to just "get it". The issue is that passive writing puts a layer of distance between the author and the reader. That makes the reader view the action from the outside. It's like watching someone through a window while they eat dinner versus sitting at the table and eating your own dinner.
Readers will quickly become bored and put your book down.

Re cast your writing into active voice. For example: "Late in the evening I took a short cut through the forest to my mother's house."

Here the change from "was passing" to "took" puts the story teller and therefore the reader into the action.

So, first step, go to your grammar and structure books to fully understand the difference between passive and active writing. Then go through your manuscript and to a complete edit pass to write out all of the passive sentences that you can.

I understand this is a LOT of work. Yes, and that is just what it will take.

Next issue. If this is the opening scene of your book you will need to spend a lot of time on the opening lines. There isn't anything specifically wrong with what you say here except it is not intriguing. The opening line is the single most important sentence in your book. From there the rest of the opening paragraph is the most important paragraph as they are what either intrigue the reader or send the message they will be bored. Please don't think I am being harsh or mean when I say these opening lines do not in any way catch me up. They read like a person who is reporting an incident. It is telling not showing. I suggest you study posts, podcasts, and even a few books, on the art of showing not telling.

There is a place for both showing and telling - both have great uses. Most people find that showing in the opening paragraphs to be most successful for hooking the reader.

Best of luck with your effort - and be very proud of writing in a second language!