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kunox
March 24th, 2017, 05:25 PM
Chapter seven; flashy fist and bursting blame
The back alley of the base seemed to be empty of people, but Lulas knew that Lulunas ninjas had been trained to stalk their enemies beyond the point of their ability to fend off such attacks. Come on quickly. He whispers to Jarvice Jr. As the two try to make it down the back way to the main command. as they do so Lulas notices they are being followed by a fifteen of the ninjas in question. they seemed to disappear as quickly as he had noticed them.
no!!! Lulas thought as he realized that they had been on the stuff that made the Laughing terrors infamous for being so scary.
he quickly thru several smoke grenades and picks up Jarvice Jr. and takes a hirer road. he comes out of the smoke just to realize that seven of the ninjas in question had already been waiting for him.
"you aren't as bright as you think. we used to be you r students. so we know your tactics. they are very predictable and thus we have the upper hand. though we should warn you. you know little about
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the enhancements that Our new masters the or should I say the masters we have always had, have given us. the ninjas start to glow ether Dark blue or Dark pink and spread out around the two as quickly as possible.
Lulas floor once didn't know what to do as he puts down Jarvice and takes a fighting stance only to close his eyes. the laughing that only his ex-units could do start to flow around them as he finally gave in to the fact that he might be undergoing his own torture for once. suddenly something is yelled as the floor under him breaks and nocks him off his feet. he quickly opens his eyes as all he can see is purple smoke and all he can hear is thunder. louder than he could imagine closer than he could see. this was odd because he felt that Jarvices was doing fine. he had fallen as well and landed onto Lulas side.
that only meant one thing. that someone had saved his life but who. as the smoked cleared a surprised look comes over his face as he only oe name came to mind. Thadasss. as the Lulunas
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the ninja back off their assault. they regroup at the far end of the ceiling
"who the heck are you. why are you interfering with our assassination. you must be a full. each of the ninjas said in turn."
"I am Thadass. I come to you to put you in pieces. that and get my revenge. therefore you guys are in my way thus you will have to excuse me if. I don't play nice." Thaddass said as one ninja whispers into the others ear.
"You are an ex guild member I hear. you also have fought our kind. I see that my friend here has known of you for some time. Thadass the one with the ghost punch."
the ninja that had been pointed at Thadass and started to speak herself. “your tactics are also predictable. I can see that you all just bluntly rush in when the time is right. It's the Lulunas trademark after all.” Thadass just smirked as she just put up one hand. “I can understand but I know your lose has been written down in the records of the fates. so let's not waste another moment andend this before it gets old." Thadas finished.
“As you wish.” the head Lulunas said as the group spread out around The three as if to take a tactical potation. as they do so Thadass getting into a fighting stance and awaits the assault. The Luluas waste no time and swiftly moved into attack Thadass.
As they moved in ice spikes burst out of the floor and what looked like a young Latino girl with ice around her fist disrupted their attack pattern. The Latino girl summoned a barrage of hail as the floor turned to ice tripping the ninja up and sending them into Thadass’s fist. As quickly as the engagement started it had ended.
Lulas stood up and took no time to ask questions as the four head towards the main command center of the base. As he entered the main building Jarvice Jr. took command. Lulas thanked his lucky stars as he looked at Thadas who seemed to be looking for someone on some nearby screens.
“Good, everything as it should be so far.” she said and then gave Luchya an order to retrieve the Plight shards.
“Luchya will get it. She has no doubt that she can retrieve a simple relic of obviousness.” the Latino girl said and then went out into the base to look for were Hunger had died. Just so long ago.
Lulas looked at Thadass as she kept scanning the screen as if she were on a mission of her own.
Lulas walked over to check the screen himself. “Looking for something particular, I can help once things go back to normal.” Lulas offered.
“Yes, I am, but, it wouldn’t be very fitting for me to change much here unless I want bump my sister’s authority. Thadass offered as Lulas just nodded. Lulas went acl to check on Jarvice Junior as the guild leaders son assumed command. After things had calmed down aria and Myla entered the room as they did so Myla looked surprised as she spotted Thadass.
“It’s my old chum, how the heck have you been, last I checked you disappeared of the face of the earth. Myla said as Thadss continued to watch the screens.
“Yeah it has been a long time. Longer than you think. By a whole century.” Thadass said as Myla and Aria approach Thadasshe looked up and takes note of her old friends. As she does she spotted Aria she got a frustrated look on her face but seemed. Aria seemed to not be able to look into Thadass’s eyes.
“Nice to see you decided to come out of retirement and rejoin the game.” Myla said on Aria’s behalf.
“I guess you can say that. I am after that rat of a fink that calls himself hunger. He has something that is dangerous if it got into the right hands.” Thadass offered.
“It wouldn’t have been on him perchance because what I hear he’s the voltage fried him to charcoal.” Myla offered as this Thadass eye’d Aria and then looked back at the screens.
“Good ,Luchya should be getting them soon them. I am glad it was right where it was supposed to be.” Thadass sighed in relief. She let down her guard and her and Myla started chatting. As they did so Myla could since that Aria was growing distant.
“Why don’t we hang out sometime, I mean it’s been awhile since we last meet.” Myla offered but as she did so Thadass gives her a cold stare.
Myla looked back at aria who seemed to be sending her danger vibes without moving a muscle. Myla knew synced aria’s thought asif it were a thought within her own head but from another person.
“That would be a great idea. the old would be back together.” Lulas interjected.
This caught Myla off guard as she continue to look back at Aria. she seemed to be confused in the moment as she looked back at Thadass.
“I guess, It has been a while since the event but raincheck for now. I got something important to deal with.” Thadass said as Myla noted that Aria seemed to slightly nod her approval.



Chapter seven: The Piece Called Love

Gangsta minus checked the area to see if the coast was clear. He preceded through the base that Aria and gang had just captured into the generator room. As he passed through a wall he ran into a shut down generator and inspected te dust on the ground. “May the pain in the neck rest in peace.” he said and then looked through the dust and found what he was looking for. In the ashes seemed to be what looked like a blue piece of metal with three red crystals affixed to its top. It glowed as he inspected it. He stared deeply into it’s glowing light and seemed to be possessed by a feeling. This is my ticket.” he quickly hid as the voice of a teenage girl can be heard in the local area.
“Truth told Luchya it would be over here. He says if we act fast enough we can get it before it is taken off.” The girl as Gangsta minus phased through the floor taking the crystal with him. As he went into the ground Luchya spots his head going into the floor.
“Get back here. Darn ghost man. Luchya saw you, She knows what you got. So hand over the shards.” The Latino girl said and the summons a fireball into her right hand and uses t melt into the lower levels.
Gangsta Minus turned back and just eyes the Latino girl with frustration. I guess I can’t lose you that easily.” he said and then started to laugh a little. “I am also guessing from what you said you want Hungers little secret rock of power. I can’t blame you. After all it gave him such foresight to see his enemies moves bn advance. To bad he couldn’t foresee his own loss at the hands of Kunoichi X. will have to note that if I am to gain an advantage here in.” he said and then offered Luchya a bride of money.
“Luchya’s no fool, she sees right through your bribe but Luchya cares less about your financial offerings. She has much so much more in heaven than you could offer that it’s not funny. Now hand over the corrupted thing before luchya has to get serious and burn a hole into your skull.” Luchya said and then strikes up a fighting pose.
Gangsta Minus just pulled pulled out and threw a small grenade as gas came out of it and choked Luchya. He then used the smoke to hide his escape as he goes through a nearby wall. Luchya got back to her feet and immediately looked for the Blackman but couldn’t find him anywhere.
Chapter Seven Part B
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“It has been a full day and Jarvice Jr. seems to be taking his new leadership role wll. I am guessing he won't buck Aria’s authority at this point.” Myla said as Thadass just leaned forward interested in as if to show interest in the small details of the of what had happened. “Ether way we have to rely on Aria’s ability to keep Jarvis's son in line. Anyway, it’s your turn.” Myla said as Thadass frowned and then looked down at game the two had been playing for a while..
”You play quite conservatively for someone who has such a command of the battle field as you.” Thadass said moving the Fate on the board as Myla leaned back on a couch and waited for the dice to be rolled.
“Yeah but I like to play with precision. I may be slow but I will take out all of your pieces.” Myla said waiting on her opponent's move.
As she waits on Myla to think to place attack. myla raises an eyebrow because of the peculiar move that Myla was making in the game called trials and fate.
“that piece who does it represent, I mean It’s something I’ve never seen.”
“You’d be surprised but maybe you won't. Let's just say you’ve already placed a piece a representing her.” Thadass slightly said as Myla did a double look between the piece and Thadass..
“no but I’ve placed Aria on the board already. That’s a strange mover. I wonder if it will rule in
your favor, I mean I am her closest friend and confidant.”
“don’t worry about I mean this only tells our future. Myla some things are set in stone but if you really want them to change sometimes you just have to let the thing you don’t want to happen become real. In this case I want your bond to grow in this game it may lead to uncover something surprising.”
Myla looked on as the pieces shifted and Myla piece seemed to grow many levels but at a great cost. The pieces that Myla had placed on the boards levels lowered and even worse the piece called twilights edge. The one piece Myla always used to represent Aria seemed to go in a sort of stasis. Myla looked on shocked. As the one piece that could of guaranteed her victory faded into obscurity.
“But why. I mean she usually is the cornerstone of our team.” Mtla looked on confused.
“It’s her only weakness. I mean she is the best ranked assassin ever. Even if she is as physically as can be. There is no way of beating her head on.
Well unless you could have a mind completely unaffected by anything. An unshakable resolve that is unaffected by any status. I swear I never thought this piece would be the my mightiest weapon. It's one me seven games in a row.” Myla bragged.
What is that piece I have to know. It must be a unholy allegiance or an unstoppable nightmare that I hope I never face. The Now worried Myla inquired.
Thadass just smiled. I hope you don't mean that. I mean it’s your future. I would hate for you not to live with something so essential as live.”
Myla was agasp she quickly loopked over te oard. Her plan was flawless. Uit moved with the clock work precision only a surgeon of the battle field could contemplate but as she looked around the one thing seemed obvious. The piece she should've protected the most was out in the open with to many paths in front of it. Myla Literally dropped her jaw.
“I see you forced my hand. I put ther smack in the middle of the board and witgh to many jobs but what this say about what's going to happen.”
Thadass shrugged and then leaned back in the chair. I don’t l may be no fortunetelling game master but I thinks you’re the only one who can do something about it.
“Myla looked back over the board as Thadas hits It’s forward button. As the piece align two new pieces emerge on the board. Two death pieces and a card called conquest. She drops to her knees and starts to pray. “ oh favor Fate of many blessing please show me a way to overcome this challenge or at least tip things in my favor because I really am scared right now.
Thadas just shakes her head. “You know she really doesn't like that. I man zhe not an automatic victory machine. If you really want to talk to her her I’ve got her number. Let's see what she can do. “ Thadass said as Myla is now enraged and left the room.
Myla Left the tower in a distorted manner, she was for once afraid for her friend. The only other time was the strange events that lead to higher powers but there was no time for worrying about that. Myla spots train and pulls him aside to explain what she had saw. As she does so train seems to drift off and lose interest. Myla curses her luck and moves on.
How could I be so reckless. I mean If I let her die then how would I function in this word.. Myla thought to herself. She stops in her tracks and snaps her fingers. I know where she’ll be I mean I am her head in a weird sort of way. Myla calculates arias thoughts as she starts walking again. she finds the nearest place with the most booze and setting before her was the one person Aria, wasted and smiling as the men around her celebrated with a song of victory.
Aria danced around as she flipped to besides Myla. She give Myal a lok as to say. Hay Join in don’t be so sad . It’s just alcohol. Myla started crying as her friend fell and sings some more.
Ashe cried but Aria didn’t seem to understand why. She stumbled back to her feet and. Tells the militia men to rap thing up as she tries to comfort Myla. “I can’t believe I am going to say this but what's wrong. Did someone hurt you.”
“IIt was what I saw as your fate, Myla explains what had happened in the fortune telling game between her and Thadasss. She stopped crying for a second a looks into Aria eyes for a sign she got why this was important.
Arisas decides that it’s not the time for her to bring up her opinion on such matters and gives Aria a look and a smile. Myla understood immediately that Aria didn’t believe that such things would happen and that she was more worried about The crying mess Myla had become.
“Aria I l hate to say this but I hope you will understand one day but until then I am going to be looking after you doubly.” Myla gets back to her feet.
Aria hits the palm of her hand against her head and then give Her friend some orders. Myla greets

kunox
March 24th, 2017, 05:26 PM
everything in color has what I have currently written....

Ptolemy
March 24th, 2017, 05:50 PM
everything in color has what I have currently written....
So wait, what's the black then?

kunox
March 24th, 2017, 06:03 PM
So wait, what's the black then?

stuff from three years ago... lol.
having my counselors spell check this stuff so.....

Theglasshouse
April 7th, 2017, 01:04 AM
I'll try to read it, but you need to format it so it is easier to read for the eyes. As in no color. In addition, I will comment on what things might apply to this. My knowledge is limited a bit because I take a long time to read books. There is this useful section on critiquing stories' scene and structure in Jack Bickham's book which I wish I had seen before sending off my stories which were structurally unsound. Give me a week turn around at the latest and earliest 0-3 days time since I have things to do. I think personally based on that you can then decide if you agree with his advice, which seems spot on in my very unprofessional mistakes I've made. If I reply sooner it's because I finished reading the book or because I decided to so on free time. It's time intensive as I spend hours a day reading that book.

In grammar, I am somewhat useless in that I can tell you something is wrong but I can't tell you why. So I'll comment on the concept instead. But the grammar honestly needs revision. But I'll comment from what I understand. Give me a week please or less. Like I implied maybe in two days from now I'll have comments up or later.

I think grammar should be the main focus, of a writer. But that is why I am so hesitant to evaluate the concept just a bit . It is like I am trying to give my input. I wanted you to know I will not ignore this story, and will help a bit.

If I sound like I'll give bad criticism is that I had trouble reading it just now, and need to use speech software to make sure at least that it's not me missing what is the message behind the story. I do promise I'll be constructive. If I double post I hope the admins find it acceptable. I will eventually give feedback but like I said I feel like I improve reading books such as the one mentioned, scene and structure by jack bickham.

plawrence
April 7th, 2017, 01:50 AM
I found this confusing.


The back alley of the base seemed to be empty of people, but Lulas knew that Lulunas ninjas had been trained to stalk their enemies beyond the point of their ability to fend off such attacks. Come on quickly. He whispers to Jarvice Jr. As the two try to make it down the back way to the main command. as they do so Lulas notices they are being followed by a fifteen of the ninjas in question. they seemed to disappear as quickly as he had noticed them.
no!!! Lulas thought as he realized that they had been on the stuff that made the Laughing terrors infamous for being so scary.
he quickly thru several smoke grenades and picks up Jarvice Jr. and takes a hirer road. he comes out of the smoke just to realize that seven of the ninjas in question had already been waiting for him.
"you aren't as bright as you think. we used to be you r students. so we know your tactics. they are very predictable and thus we have the upper hand. though we should warn you. you know little about
I'm going to make some corrections, which I will highlight in red.

The back alley of the base seemed to be empty of people, but Lulas knew that Lulunas ninjas had been trained to stalk their enemies beyond the point of their ability to fend off such attacks. "Come on quickly," he whispers to Jarvice Jr. as the two try to make it down the back way to the main command. As they do so Lulas notices they are being followed by a fifteen?? of the ninjas in question. They seemed to disappear as quickly as he had noticed them.

No!!! Lulas thought as he realized that they had been on the stuff that made the Laughing terrors infamous for being so scary.
He quickly threw several smoke grenades and picks up Jarvice Jr. and takes a higher? road. he comes out of the smoke just to realize that seven of the ninjas in question had already been waiting for him.

The changing of tense throws the reader off. He THREW and TAKES He COMES - it should either be he throws and takes or he threw and took. You should always enclose spoken dialog in quotes. The switching of upper and lower case adds to the confusion. What is "a fifteen of the ninjas?

kunox
April 7th, 2017, 02:45 AM
first of thank you guys. i thought nobody was going to get to this. that aside. I will defiantly need to edit any of this before it goes out. certan chapter were typed out too fast. and a lot of this was writen so many years ago but I still would like someone to look over it I will be changing the font color to black and will e using ginger to editor now. It will take me two days. I think.


as for the.... "a fifteen of the ninjas?.... I had a thought knot there probably. were I started writing one thing and wound up writing another.

P.s. It's not complete apparently.I just wanto eeif my current writing is not getting my own story that i started two years ag.

Theglasshouse
April 7th, 2017, 06:18 AM
Some small observations. But I think these suggestions could help your story greatly. Take it as advice or don't or use as you see fit to do so at your own discretion.

Thadasss is an ex-guild member who rescues the mc from the assassination. Seems like a story about ninjas, and with special powers. Probably science fiction with fantasy. But I am not sure. The setting definitely gives this vibe.

Yes, I am, but, it wouldn’t be very fitting for me to change much here unless I want bump my sister’s authority. Thadasss offered as Lulas just nodded. Lulas went acl to check on Jarvice Junior as the guild leaders son assumed command. After things had calmed down aria and Myla entered the room as they did so Myla looked surprised as she spotted Thadasss.


The story is dialogue heavy. After reading it Myla and Thadasss know each other. Because there was too much dialogue it hurt the pacing. You need to give the reader a well deserved break with setting and pacing.


Gangsta minus checked the area to see if the coast was clear. He preceded through the base that Aria and gang had just captured into the generator room. As he passed through a wall he ran into a shut down generator and inspected the dust on the ground. “May the pain in the neck rest in peace.” he said and then looked through the dust and found what he was looking for. In the ashes seemed to be what looked like a blue piece of metal with three red crystals affixed to its top. It glowed as he inspected it. He stared deeply into its glowing light and seemed to be possessed by a feeling. This is my ticket.” he quickly hid as the voice of a teenage girl can be heard in the local area.
“Truth told Luchya it would be over here. He says if we act fast enough we can get it before it is taken off.” The girl as Gangsta minus phased through the floor taking the crystal with him. As he went into the ground Luchya spots his head going into the floor.
“Get back here. Darn ghost man. Luchya saw you, She knows what you got. So hand over the shards.” The Latino girl said and the summons a fireball into her right hand and uses t melt into the lower levels.
Gangsta Minus turned back and just eyes the Latino girl with frustration. I guess I can’t lose you that easily.” he said and then started to laugh a little. “I am also guessing from what you said you want Hungers little secret rock of power. I can’t blame you. After all it gave him such foresight to see his enemies moves bn advance. To bad he couldn’t foresee his own loss at the hands of Kunoichi X. will have to note that if I am to gain an advantage here in.” he said and then offered Luchya a bride of money.
“Luchya’s no fool, she sees right through your bribe but Luchya cares less about your financial offerings. She has much so much more in heaven than you could offer that it’s not funny. Now hand over the corrupted thing before luchya has to get serious and burn a hole into your skull.” Luchya said and then strikes up a fighting pose.
Gangsta Minus just pulled pulled out and threw a small grenade as gas came out of it and choked Luchya. He then used the smoke to hide his escape as he goes through a nearby wall. Luchya got back to her feet and immediately looked for the Blackman but couldn’t find him anywhere.
Chapter Seven Part B




This part of the story is where the action is harder to follow. I feel as if this is dialogue driven, imo you need to present conflict through one mc in conflict with one villain.




It would help you if you could narrate things as they happen more slowly one mc one event, and devote time to narrating to the viewpoint and problem of one character. Your viewpoint was a tad bit confusing. What is viewpoint? POV, as in 1st person, second person and so forth. I think you should focus on one character. Because of the centering of the conflict, is how the scene's primary elements are narrated using these as viewpoint. It's no accident that I said feelings, actions, thoughts feelings. It is more or less a way of using these to narrate the story from 1st person. While 3rd person omniscient has its uses, most of the time it useful to apply what I listed as these make up a scene's viewpoint character's pov. While omniscient is again possible, you need to determine who your mc ( the main character that is). And keep the conflict isolated and only affecting him or her.



each character must have a subplot and this must be the hidden story, and there should be a main quest in your novel.

IMO your characters can't simply be "cheerleading each other." They must have their own distinct motives. You need one villain for one mc thus as well as characters in opposition that's how I think a story ought to be constructed. Don't get me wrong internal opposition is possible. That is, but external conflicts are given external goals or desires, and these attempts are thwarted by the antagonist(s).

That's my review of the ideas. I gave you some basic input but simple suggestions for you to use. Mainly I gave the advice on viewpoint so that you can remember and apply it if you wish.

If you want to correct the grammar I recommend Grammarly or Prowritingaid. Use the trial, and a speech software program if you can manage to get one since these can be pricey.

kunox
April 8th, 2017, 05:02 PM
I finally got to what you were saying. I get the idea of pov. I just never can write in first person. I may need to take more time with each scene so that's one thing I got from this. also I need to work on my passing.

Theglasshouse
April 9th, 2017, 02:29 AM
Try to put fewer characters per scenes as an exercise because there are unimportant sections in the story that need to have some emotional bearing on the people in the story all because of the two main characters. But since I have read only part of the novel I would not know how this chapter is compared to others. One main character should be the main focus dedicated per scene to make the reader know whose story it is during that scene. Remember it's all my opinion but its advice as well.