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CrimsonAngel223
March 13th, 2017, 01:00 AM
Igril

A gust of wind called The Great Wind came blowing among leaves that waned heavily over the empires of a new kingdom that conjured a great beginning for the formation of people from leaves to wood to wood to people. These were a brigade called the forest of men and these men gave word to march toward a river for a battle between a serpent called ‘Time’ was afoot. But what weapons did they have against this thing from the blue? A beam of light arrived from out of nowhere, this journey prolonged them in them so suddenly, with godspeed they traveled.

Many tribulations later from the plains of sorrow, weeping nymphs in the night were crying and that made rain drop in the starry acres of the morn. Into their way, names were of Igril, Larkwing, Ionia, and Stzal, that were part of the forest empires. All bearing some hardship from the creation of the great wind that started their way receive some power against a foe from the outskirts of the forest.

"Is that? A spirit, ye!" said Stzal.

From the distance they had seen it, a celestial wooded figure from the curving green plains and a moutain that loomed in background where it hovered. Some sort of eneity, it orbited some kind of element; wind from it’s figure below the waist and it looked like a fairy too, sparkling interestly to them by the errand of their eye. Had never seen such specatle to what they thought and though as if they were simply roaming the grass for a way to speak to what divine thing awaited them.

"Speak to us!" exclaimed Igril.

The spirit spun around and came forth towards them and extended a hand, a hello if you will.

"SSSHHHHHH Yourrrr power," it said in a phantasmal, haunting voice.

"Ah? What say you?" Igril replied.

He flinched.

"Back away!"

"By Summer-wood, dare to die?" went Larkwing.

She drew a blade from her back and forced her hand tightly around her blade and came pointing at it at the spirit of a tree, it didn’t move a muscle and the blade from her hand vanished out of thin air. Disapproved of the spirit kind gesture.

"Could you let us pass?" asked Ionia.

The spirit each gave a divine power of light and the ground suddenly started to rattle and move, rain poured heavily in the night, and it’s dark side came to haunt them mindlessly which was their cue to come back to the forest of men and their tree of men.

"Time to flee ladies and gents!" said Igril, leader of the brigade.

They moved swiftly with their unknown power to make themselves move speedier in the plains but the tree spirit had them on their tail, dark aura entailed them to perish and so they used what was in their brain to summon tears of the weeping nymphs to rain down ice over it. Aswell shield them with a cloud, so the sprite could not lay a finger on them with it’s aura.

A memory of a battle waged in their minds as they reached closer and closer to the forest due to the serpent of time. The tree spirit returned to itself to hover and vanish within the close promixity of the forest bends. It was gone.

Into the forest again and it was time to fight against the serpent ‘Time’ until the way into the core of the realm was beginning to be ravaged by the serpent when the river flooded their home they must work together against the monster and drive it back into the river.

"We must forge with summer forest, and their people to fight!" said Igril.

"How Igril?" Questioned Stzal.

Questions swirled within him and his pack, but to an avail they had a way.

Jack Semmes
March 13th, 2017, 08:23 PM
Hi
Fiction should be an escape for the reader. Your words should translate into a visual image, in their mind.


I wish I could say you nailed it, but I can't. I am left wondering, what the piece is about.


Look at the first sentence, which is forty rambling words long.


"A gust of wind called The Great Wind came blowing among leaves that waned heavily over the empires of a new kingdom that conjured a great beginning for the formation of people from leaves to wood to wood to people."


Compare your first sentence to the eleven word sample below.


Leaves danced as the Great Wind blew, heralding a new kingdom.

Good Luck!

CrimsonAngel223
March 13th, 2017, 11:35 PM
The story is about a journey for some divine power and fighting against a serpent that is tearing down their home.

Kusinjo
March 30th, 2017, 12:58 PM
I see a whole lot of potential with this, but I feel like you have a love/hate relationship with the comma. Run-on sentences are also not your friend. You should try having someone read it out loud back to you. Take note of where they get hung up, and put a comma there or just end the sentence and start a new one. One more thing I think might help is to be more consice and have faith in the intellect of your readers. As Jack put it earlier, some of your sentences say very little for the amount of words you use.

eg.
"She drew a blade from her back and forced her hand tightly around her blade and came pointing at it at the spirit of a tree, it didn’t move a muscle and the blade from her hand vanished out of thin air. Disapproved of the spirit kind gesture."

Could look like:
She drew the blade strapped to her back, and held it tightly. As she approached the spirit of the tree, it vanished into thin air.

Honestly, I really couldn't grasp "Disapproved of the spirit kind gesture." Perhaps because of punctuation? Were you trying to say, "She disapproved of the spirit's unkind gesture?" Or maybe even, "She disapproved of the spirit's kind gesture?" Either way, as written, I can't make any sense of it. Having said all that, I think this could be refined into a really entertaining Fantasy fiction. I did see where you were going with it, and would love to see it polished. Keep on with this one, for sure! :)