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CrimsonAngel223
March 5th, 2017, 02:09 PM
Suite Suffering
By Yonathan Asefaw

I had never seen confetti drop like that before, before this nightmare happened me and my husband Lazarus were just enjoying some kind of surprise when we arrived into our high-rise suite. There was something about the place that had this ominous feel. Like a flashback of a horror was about to happen, at least in the recess of my brain, would I ever feel it? Although it was about to get a whole lot worse.

“Hello? Anybody home?” I wondered.

I ended up right where I started again, but there was blood in my hands. And a knife was fastened in my hand. Did I- did I just murder my own husband? There was a game apparently, as I can remember.. I didn’t know exactly what, but all I remember was that a voice came from out of the blue and told us to kill each other. OK! Now I recall something, I hope I don’t go to jail. The doors were locked and I was frozen like an icicle over on the concrete floor of my Venetian balcony outside. No! It looks like..

“I don’t want to do this to you.” I say.

I forgot that he is dead, did I hurt him enough though? Christ I may actually die if he gets up! Hopefully I still have dignity for my survival. I always had the impression that this husband of mine kept me for so long under his wing, I mean were married. Right? He couldn’t actually hit or even touch me? I’m starting to sweat profusely now. Oh my god! He’s getting up. Where’s my chance to keep him on the ground dead?

“You are… dead, run sweetheart!”

“Don’t kill me, I love you!” I started sobbing like a madwoman.

“Kill me.” said my husband Lazarus.

“No.”

“Do it, this game will end if you do.”

“No.” I keep insisting.

Where’s the next flashback? None? Better hope I get through this next hour, oh boy will I ever be dead right about now, what about this.

No. Looks like I am in a predicament.

“KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!!” he said

I plunged the knife, a stainless steel kitchen knife into his stomach and he bleed immensely. What was wrong with me? I COULDN’T believe on what I had done, FUCK ME! I JUST MURDERED MY OWN HUSBAND WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DO? WHAT DID I DO? NO!!!!! THE GAME!? IS IT OVER YET?

“Complete,” said the ominous voice.


Surprise. Went the people when I arrived.

What exactly happened now? Mary have mercy on my soul. It just seemed all too real.

“I had this vision, and-”

We all just died out of thin air.

People just stared at us from the t.v screen this whole time. I saw them from the suspension from my eye that there were camera’s everywhere. My name is Samantha Jones and I have just been spied out from the enjoyment of others. Thanks society you really did it to me and my husband now. Fuckers!

But how am I still alive.

“Husband’s gone, games just begun.” I thought.

Bloggsworth
March 5th, 2017, 04:35 PM
Suite suffering.... me and my husband - Seriously?

CrimsonAngel223
March 5th, 2017, 04:41 PM
Yeah what?

Bloggsworth
March 5th, 2017, 06:18 PM
Yeah what?

Bedroom suite? Living room suite? I think we should be told... (Don't have a tongue-in-cheek emoticon)

bdcharles
March 6th, 2017, 10:29 AM
You know, Yonathan Aseaw the Crimson Angel, you do have something. In among the - it must be said; and perhaps there is a reason for it - the often hard-to-unravel phrasings and the curious constructions you have some interesting ideas - and also a good bit of voice. I do struggle with your work because it is often quite impenetrable, and I feel it would be worth really working on that to free up your ideas to give them the airing they deserve.

Here's an example of what I mean:


I had never seen confetti drop like that before, before this nightmare happened me and my husband Lazarus were just enjoying some kind of surprise when we arrived into our high-rise suite. There was something about the place that had this ominous feel. Like a flashback of a horror was about to happen, at least in the recess of my brain, would I ever feel it? Although it was about to get a whole lot worse.

“Hello? Anybody home?” I wondered.

I mean, I quite like the way this reads. I like the starting line (though it would be far better served by ending between the "before"s with a full stop rather than ploughing straight into comma-splice hell...) but the rest of it is rather fragmented. You mention "some kind of surprise" - but why not elaborate? What sort of surprise? When writers are this vague it makes everything hard to visualise. It's like hearing muffled voices.This sentence is the best example, I think:


Like a flashback of a horror was about to happen, at least in the recess of my brain, would I ever feel it?

A flashback of something about to happen is a premonition, for a start, but I can overlook that. Then why "at least" in the recesses of my brain? What are readers supposed to infer from the "at least"? That the I is special, has the powers of foresight? I don't understand why "at least" is there. And then "would I ever feel it?" Would I ever feel what? It is a non-sequitur - in other words these phrases don't make sense together. I'm all for unreliable narrators but there does need to be some sort of cohesion. Give your poor readers more info! I personally think that if you can really get a handle on how to communicate your ideas you will make your stories sing. But those techniques need work.

Anyway good luck. Hope this helps. Lemme know if not :)

CrimsonAngel223
March 8th, 2017, 07:16 AM
Thanks for your input, though I need moderators to add a t in suite for the title.

plawrence
April 4th, 2017, 06:31 PM
I suppose this could be nitpicking, but grammar is important, even when you mangle it purposely.


before this nightmare happened me and my husband Lazarus were just enjoying some kind of surprise

This should be "my husband and I". It's a common mistake these days, but there's an easy way to sort it out. "I" is used as the subject. "Me" is used as the object. Drop the husband and see if it makes sense to you. E.g. "before this nightmare happened me was just enjoying..... You would never write that. Adding "and my husband" doesn't transfer you to the object of the sentence. You are still the subject, but good English says that you always come after your "partner". So the sentence should read "before this nightmare happened, my husband Lazarus and I were just enjoying some kind of surprise"

Hope this is helpful.