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View Full Version : Might I have this dance?



rickyknight1
February 17th, 2017, 12:25 PM
A middle aged man in a black suit, treads down corridors of his mansion, while stroking his fingers through silky hair. *His feet treads upon red velvet carpets, all the paintings have gold tableaus; the chandeliers and lamp posts are likewise gold plated.

He marches through the kitchen where the chefs are in white uniforms, preparing the crabs, and other delicacies for invited guest. Soon after, he travels through the white double doors, which eventually leads into the main hallway--connected to the front entrance; where all his visitors are compiled.

They’ve come for his last ball of the era, because it’s approaching new years. The Cloud Manors are well known for their celebrations--they have a large sum of cash flowing in from their success in the stock market.

Sebastian Cloud gazes at his company with great intensity, the ones in tuxedos and the ones in multi layered dresses. His butler, a thin man with rich brown hair, arrives with a tray full of extravagant champagne, then he whispers something into the ears of Sebastian: who quickly plucks a glass off the tray, and starts to bang a spoon on it. *

“Attention everyone! I want to thank you all for coming to my party.” The crowd cheers him on, as if he were an animal seeking after its prey, like a bald eagle tearing into a snake with its sharp claws, and chewing out its intestines with a yellow beak.

The musicians play the second waltz, each composer strikes his cords with blood, sweat, and passion--it is as if, their fingers are being directed--by the very hands of God. Sebastian quickly finds a blonde to dance with, her name’s Caroline.

Her body appears to have slipped--so easily, into her white dress. Her lips are like precious pink roses. Her eyes, green emeralds--carved from the very stones of Solomon’s temple, and her diamond necklace looks very expensive; she has the appearance of an enchanted swan, swimming in the ponds of eternal youth.

He grabs her by the waist and pulls her close, she blushes--right then and there, and puts her arms around him.

“You have a very lovely pair of eyes, madame?”

“It’s Mrs. Caroline St. Claire,” She replies. He pulls her closer. She hesitates.

“Your husband is a very lucky man,”

“He’s deceased. I’m afraid he died of a heart attack. He was the General chief of staffs in the army.”

Sebastian pauses in his steps, grabs her by the hand and pulls her upstairs. He leads her out onto the balcony, overlooking the garden, the bushes, and the front gate.

“Why did you bring me here?” Sebastian gives her a stern look, then suddenly, he has grief.

“I’m sorry about your husband, I really am.” He said this sorrowfully. His eyes are now full of tears, she starts having a break down; he cries with her. Her husband’s death was almost five years ago, but she can’t bear the thought of having to move on without him. It seems cruel.

Caroline’s mother is the only real support that she’s received since his passing. The rest of her family has abandoned her way before the honeymoon, they were not in favor of the marriage. So they took their being together as a direct betrayal by her own hands, and so left her in the dust.

Caroline has not properly grieved over his death. That is, until now.






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bdcharles
February 17th, 2017, 03:28 PM
I like the notion of "Cloud Manors" though ultimately there are a few too many errors for me to really be able to bite down on this, sorry. You could (if you wanted to) make this like a snippet of Vita Sackville-West's The Edwardians :) - a sort of swishing society novel.

GoodBadger
February 17th, 2017, 06:06 PM
“Why did you bring me here?” Sebastian gives her a stern look, then suddenly, he has grief.

“I’m sorry about your husband, I really am.” He said this sorrowfully. His eyes are now full of tears, she starts having a break down; he cries with her. Her husband’s death was almost five years ago, but she can’t bear the thought of having to move on without him. It




The first quote is followed in the same paragraph with a description of Sebastian's actions. This infers that he made the remark.
You must start a new paragraph to indicate a new character.

(Like this)

“Why did you bring me here?”

Sebastian gives her a stern look, then suddenly, he has grief. “I’m sorry about your husband, I really am.” He said this sorrowfully. His eyes are now full of tears, she starts having a break down; he cries with her. Her husband’s death was almost five years ago, but she can’t bear the thought of having to move on without him.

rickyknight1
February 17th, 2017, 07:07 PM
“Why did you bring me here?” Sebastian gives her a stern look, then suddenly, he has grief.

“I’m sorry about your husband, I really am.” He said this sorrowfully. His eyes are now full of tears, she starts having a break down; he cries with her. Her husband’s death was almost five years ago, but she can’t bear the thought of having to move on without him. It




The first quote is followed in the same paragraph with a description of Sebastian's actions. This infers that he made the remark.
You must start a new paragraph to indicate a new character.

(Like this)

“Why did you bring me here?”

Sebastian gives her a stern look, then suddenly, he has grief. “I’m sorry about your husband, I really am.” He said this sorrowfully. His eyes are now full of tears, she starts having a break down; he cries with her. Her husband’s death was almost five years ago, but she can’t bear the thought of having to move on without him.
Thanks

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Bard_Daniel
February 18th, 2017, 04:10 AM
There are a lot of things you need to fix. One of them that comes to mind is that Chief of Staff is a title and should be capitalized. Another is that in one of your paragraph you start three sentences using "her" at the beginning-- that is a no no. I'm also not sure of why you used the asterisks so I would take those out. There are also some formatting errors.

Not trying to be negative here but there's a lot you need to fix to make it more accessible to the reader.