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View Full Version : VOVIN: CHAPTER 1 PIECE 4



Rairice
February 11th, 2017, 12:03 AM
“Why didn’t you do that before? Couldn’t we have saved time?” Xander pondered; poking fun at Alexial.

‘The gods, curse him!’ “Stop asking all these questions!” Alexial threw her hands in the air, she grabbed Xander by his arms and shook him violently.” You’re driving me crazy.”

Gabriel was not amused by their banter. ‘This makes no sense. She skips her rites to just bring us back to here? Does she want to be in trouble?’ He folded his arms, disgruntled. “Why are we here? The Seraphim Temple is not meant for just, anybody.”

‘Did he really just say that? As if I didn’t know that was directed at me?’ Xander was speechless. He stood there, unflinching, still held by Alexial, who was also stunned. He looked to Alexial, her gaze unblinking, towards Gabriel.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Contemptibly, she watched Gabriel’s every move.

Feeling uneasy, Xander gently took a step back. “Leave it to Alexial to come to the rescue, but now is not the time for this. Gabriel has always been a jerk. Not like that’s ever going change.’

“You know exactly what I mean. People like Xander aren’t allowed inside. It’s the law.”

“So what? You’re an enforcer now? Stop showing your ass. It’s not cute.”

“Cute,” Gabriel’s brows furrowed at her snarky remark, “If anyone is trying to be cute, it’s you. Your recklessness amazes me. You, the Godhead’s daughter, and you choose to defy him in every way. You should feel privileged to be born into the highest ranking of society.”

“What is your problem? Did you wake up wanting to argue with me today? We don’t have time to get into this with you right now.”
“It seems we never have time to talk about things that should be talked about, Alexial.” Gabriel threw his arms down as he huffed, irritated.

“Hey, can we not do this? I mean we are in front of the temple and I don’t want to attract any attention. Anyways, he is sort of right.”

Alexial’s face scrunched at Xander’s pacifism. “Don’t stick up for him!”

“Don’t yell, loudmouth,” Xander poked her nose, “He is right, even if the way he said it was totally rude.”

“Rude, How about just being a plain asshole.” Alexial jabbed, making eye contact with Gabriel. He mocked back at her.

Xander sighed. “Lex, it is law. I’ve never been within spitting distance of this place, until now. Gabriel is just telling the truth. You might not get into any trouble, but me and him; that’s a different story.”

‘What is up with these two? It’s like they’ve become my watchers.’ Alexial’s hand combed through her hair.’ There’s no more time, I have to go now.’ She looked at Xander and Gabriel, and without a word she headed for the entrance.

Xander was quick to follow, ‘Glad I got out of that. If those two argued any longer, it would have turned into a storm of pillory.’ Catching up, he looked briefly behind to see Gabriel reluctantly dragging his feet to follow. “He seems really upset, you’re sure you still want to do this?” He asked her, nervously. ‘I know that I was told not to go near this place, but is that a rule for everyone? I mean seriously, not one person within a 100 feet of this place?’ Lost in thought Xander stopped. He noticed a small child playing carelessly close; and not a second later was whisked away by her mother. Seeing the mother waving her finger, ‘Something in me wishes I could hear what she’s saying.’

Harper J. Cole
February 19th, 2017, 11:35 PM
An interesting snippet; you seem to have a detailed backstory worked out. There are a few potential issues that I've spotted, though.


‘The gods, curse him!’ “Stop asking all these questions!”

It's usual, when using italics to show internal monologues, not to use quote marks around the italics.


The Seraphim Temple is not meant for just, anybody.

The comma in this sentence looks misplaced; this isn't a natural place for a pause.


“What is that supposed to mean?” Contemptibly, she watched Gabriel’s every move.

You probably mean "Contemptuously", meaning that she had contempt for him. "Contemptibly" would mean that she herself should be the object of contempt.


“Rude, How about just being a plain asshole.”

Here "how" needs a small "h", or else "Rude" could be followed by a question mark.

HC

Rairice
February 21st, 2017, 12:30 AM
An interesting snippet; you seem to have a detailed backstory worked out. There are a few potential issues that I've spotted, though.

[I]

It's usual, when using italics to show internal monologues, not to use quote marks around the italics.



The comma in this sentence looks misplaced; this isn't a natural place for a pause.



You probably mean "Contemptuously", meaning that she had contempt for him. "Contemptibly" would mean that she herself should be the object of contempt.



Here "how" needs a small "h", or else "Rude" could be followed by a question mark.

HC

Honestly,i was just unsure if i should put quotation marks on the internal monologue or not. I thought it might confuse readers but i will make the change. And i'm notorious at putting commas were they shouldn't be. I try to catch them all but sometimes, it's just my lack of knowing if they should be there or not, apologies for that. Thank you for your input! Very much appreciated.

bdcharles
February 21st, 2017, 10:06 PM
Honestly,i was just unsure if i should put quotation marks on the internal monologue or not. I thought it might confuse readers but i will make the change. And i'm notorious at putting commas were they shouldn't be. I try to catch them all but sometimes, it's just my lack of knowing if they should be there or not, apologies for that. Thank you for your input! Very much appreciated.

You keep saying this, people keep advising you on how best to approach it, and then you keep doing the same thing again! :) Let's take a look:

------
“Why didn’t you do that before? Couldn’t we have saved time?” Xander pondered; poking fun at Alexial.

‘The gods, curse him!’ “Stop asking all these questions!” Alexial threw her hands in the air, she grabbed Xander by his arms and shook him violently.” You’re driving me crazy.”

Gabriel was not amused by their banter. ‘This makes no sense. She skips her rites to just bring us back to here? Does she want to be in trouble?’ He folded his arms, disgruntled. “Why are we here? The Seraphim Temple is not meant for just, anybody.”
------

The confusion here is not really the italics, the speech, the other bits of communication (though they are a byproduct of it), but the fact that you have three POVs in quick succession. If you're going to do that, remember that point-of-view is a device - a tool for achieving a certain effect - and so should be used only in service of that effect, whatever it is. First, We are Xander, poking fun at Alexial (I do like your names though), then we are Alexial having a bit of a moment wishing curses on his friend, then we are Gabriel. Bam-bam-bam, three people. Unless you are reimagining the Three Stooges (ie unless your desired effect is, for example, comedic), I cannot see why you change the POV so much so soon.

If you stick with a single POV for longer, you will get readers more emotionally invested in a character. Then they're yours :) If you find yourself wanting to switch out of POV, ask yourself why? You may find that you are, oh, how can I say, for the want of a better word perhaps you tire of the character very rapidly. This need not be a problem and is an opportunity to edit for the better. It's not that your characters are boring you, it's that their depictions might need work. So:

“What is that supposed to mean?” Contemptibly, she watched Gabriel’s every move.
-> might become ->
“What is that supposed to mean?” She folded her arms and stuck out her lip like a moody child as she watched Gabriel’s every move.
if you show it rather than tell it. It makes the writing process more fun because you're not just visualising contempt (in this case) but marrionetting your characters to express it. Now that's power - so go use it! :)

Rairice
February 23rd, 2017, 03:25 PM
I get a little confused but you explaining it like that makes sense. I do bounce around a lot between the characters. I will refine those parts...probably change some of them completely. I do post very rough versions of my sections but i do admit i have made a lot of the same mistakes and will try to be more thorough when posting again. As always i do try and apply everyone's advice and appreciate the time anyone take to go through them.