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MizzouRam
February 6th, 2017, 02:59 AM
The following is the continuation of a novella I am currently working on. If you are interested in the backstory feel free to check out the posts "No Reward Can Be Spent in the Grave" and "The Good Inman." I hope you enjoy and or course any and all criticism is welcome

IV
The Green Woman

Remmy woke in a gasp, his lungs straining under the weight of an untold number of dead. The world was a hazy black fog that smelled of roasted pork and earth. He moved an arm out of the way so he could see. The head of his comrade, Morangie, lay in his lap.

“Glendin” he uttered in a raspy whisper, and then he realized someone had bleed all over his cuirass. Then Remmy saw the dirk sticking out of his gut, and it bigger brother buried to the cross guard in his breast.

He ripped the blade from his chest screaming through clenched teeth and flinging a string of red droplets across the corpse strewn ground. In the distance, metal clanged on metal, men screamed curses in various languages. The waters of the Bannorn lapped on the muddy shores with red waves.

A shadow cast itself over Remmy. An iron barbarian, clad in thick metal from the boots to helmet stood over him. In one hand was the most brutal looking spear he had ever seen.
It twirled the spear’s jagged rock head down toward Remmy’s throat, a grisly piece of flesh hanging on the tip. It’s arms were looped with the stolen torques of a hundred dead Valorians and they jingled every time it moved.

A mane of black hair fell out on it’s shoulders when it took the helmet off.

“The woman…” Remmy thought to himself with no surprise.

The helmet thudded as it hit the ground. She had fine green silk for skin and a greasly black smile. Two small brown tusks peaked out on both corners of her mouth in an oddly innocent manor.

“Your path grows darker and darker by the step, Remyan” she said, her voice an echo. “But don’t fret, my love. The followers of the Black One shall bear to his witness. Not you. Oh no. Their blood is rat’s milk by compare. Yours is the rarest vintage of all the fine wines in the world. An auguring is afoot, bazra. You will see the truth in the red streamers like the warlocks of old.When the Thresher comes, sowing a crop of tears, you’ll know what to do. Tis your nature. Then the fermentation will be complete. Then we can embark on ya true calling.”

Remmy opened his mouth to speak but all that came out were bloody hacks. That’s when he realized the spearhead was sticking out of his neck. Suddenly the coughs became great red globes, spilling over his chin and down his throat. He put both hands over his mouth in a fruitless attempt to quell the flow.
A slender hand pulled his hair back to meet her eyes, her face so close he felt her breath.

“Shhhhhhh, love” she said in a voice just above a whisper. “Can’t we have this moment, at least in our dreams?” Her kiss was as soft as the touch of morning sunlight on a lonely grave.

Ptolemy
February 6th, 2017, 05:34 AM
I know it isn't the prose boards but I'll take a shot at this.

Without context, it's a tad confusing, like is there a battle going on? etc etc, but that is understandable under the conditions. So I don't mind that.

The spear and it's positioning
This is more of a contextual question than anything. So you mention the Orc lady having a spear and standing in front of him, you describe the Orc Lady pointing the spear at Remmy's throat. Naturally I would assume that the spear would be pointed at him, with him facing her, with him looking (and describing) her and all. However, later on you describe that the spearhead was "sticking out of his neck". The question is: Did she jab the spear through Remmy's neck with him facing her and he just didn't notice it? Or did she somehow get behind him and shove the spear through his neck, causing the spearhead to be visible in front of him? Either way the wording makes it confusing for a reader to visualize this part.

"a greasly black smile."
'Greasly' is not a word. Do you possibly mean greasy? If so, what is a greasy smile?

In Conclusion:
Overall though, it seemed solid to me. The use of visuals can get you immersed in the novella, even if the plot (out of context obviously) seems a bit stretched. Metaphors and similes are spot on too. Best of luck on your Novella.

bdcharles
February 6th, 2017, 10:02 AM
Hi

Not a bad piece. I like some of your phrases:
"flinging a string of red droplets"
"It’[<- delete the apostrophe for possessive of it]s arms were looped with the stolen torques of a hundred dead Valorians and they jingled every time it moved"
"all that came out were bloody hacks"

All great stuff. The premise, and particularly the woman herself, are pretty compelling. This seems very small and self contained though, like a prologue. Is it? you might also just think about how to play with sentence structure to really smooth out the reading; as it is, it is a little choppy. Eg:


A shadow cast itself over Remmy. An iron barbarian, clad in thick metal from the boots to helmet stood over him. In one hand was the most brutal looking spear he had ever seen.

Could become:


A shadow cast itself over Remmy. An iron barbarian, clad in thick metal from the boots to helmet, stood over him, one broad hand grasping the most brutal looking spear he had ever seen.

Couple of mild repetitions elsewhere - just a reminder to watch for this sort of thing:

Remmy woke in a gasp, his lungs straining under the weight of an untold number of dead. The world was a hazy black fog that smelled of roasted pork and earth. He moved an arm out of the way so he could see. The head of his comrade, Morangie, lay in his lap.

“Glendin” he uttered in a raspy whisper, and then he realized someone had bleed all over his cuirass. Then Remmy saw the dirk sticking out of his gut, and it bigger brother buried to the cross guard in his breast.

"bleed" should be "bled"
"it bigger brother" should be "its bigger brother"
"Glendin" should have a comma after it (though still inside the speech marks)
"manor" should be "manner"


Anyway hope this helps. Good luck - it's not bad at all :)

MizzouRam
February 10th, 2017, 05:27 AM
Thank you for your critique. To give it context, it's a dream sequence. This "Green Woman" is a witch "warging" (for lack of a better term) into Remmy's war flashback, which is a real event in the character's backstory. It is really small and self-contained mainly because I (like Remmy) don't quite understand what her motivation is yet.

Your kind words are very much appreciated, and inspire me continue my work.:)

Scrivener123
March 5th, 2017, 09:28 AM
Hello,

I don't know the greater story, but I liked what I read. Just a few spelling/ grammar errors, at least I think they are (the changes are in bold italics):

1. “Glendin” he uttered in a raspy whisper, and then he realized someone had bled all over his cuirass.
2.The followers of the Black One shall bear witness.
3. Their blood is rat’s milk in comparison. Alternatively, it could be by comparison.

Thanks for posting.

Elana91
April 6th, 2017, 03:47 PM
besides the fact I have to get ready for my interview at 1pm...I will come back and read this, as it sounds interesting. Except the additional annoying blabbering of my bf...who is distracting me from this, coffee is a must right now! lol later!

Elana91
April 6th, 2017, 08:15 PM
very good story, very detailed, though I did recognize a few errors in the typing.

Elana91
April 7th, 2017, 12:22 AM
Hi

Not a bad piece. I like some of your phrases:
"flinging a string of red droplets"
"It’[<- delete the apostrophe for possessive of it]s arms were looped with the stolen torques of a hundred dead Valorians and they jingled every time it moved"
"all that came out were bloody hacks"

All great stuff. The premise, and particularly the woman herself, are pretty compelling. This seems very small and self contained though, like a prologue. Is it? you might also just think about how to play with sentence structure to really smooth out the reading; as it is, it is a little choppy. Eg:



Could become:



Couple of mild repetitions elsewhere - just a reminder to watch for this sort of thing:

Remmy woke in a gasp, his lungs straining under the weight of an untold number of dead. The world was a hazy black fog that smelled of roasted pork and earth. He moved an arm out of the way so he could see. The head of his comrade, Morangie, lay in his lap.

“Glendin” he uttered in a raspy whisper, and then he realized someone had bleed all over his cuirass. Then Remmy saw the dirk sticking out of his gut, and it bigger brother buried to the cross guard in his breast.

"bleed" should be "bled"
"it bigger brother" should be "its bigger brother"
"Glendin" should have a comma after it (though still inside the speech marks)
"manor" should be "manner"


Anyway hope this helps. Good luck - it's not bad at all :)

Great minds think alike, though I'm still figuring out this site and playing with the typing options...

kaminoshiyo
April 11th, 2017, 02:32 AM
I loved this. The title seemed so gentle too, lol.

The words and manner of the Green Woman is so cryptic and fascinating (I didn't read the backstory) that I already like her. I felt a lot from this short piece and you handled the scene well. The ending, especially. Nicely done.

chesterfield
April 16th, 2017, 02:50 AM
Agree with above posters. Despite a few typos, and errors, it was such an enjoyable read.

NathanBrazil
April 18th, 2017, 12:05 AM
The following is the continuation of a novella I am currently working on. If you are interested in the backstory feel free to check out the posts "No Reward Can Be Spent in the Grave" and "The Good Inman." I hope you enjoy and or course any and all criticism is welcome

IV
The Green Woman

Remmy woke in a gasp, his lungs straining under the weight of an untold number of dead. The world was a hazy black fog that smelled of roasted pork and earth. He moved an arm out of the way so he could see. The head of his comrade, Morangie, lay in his lap.

“Glendin” he uttered in a raspy whisper, and then he realized someone had bled all over his cuirass. Then Remmy saw the dirk sticking out of his gut, and its bigger brother buried to the cross guard in his breast.

He ripped the blade from his chest screaming through clenched teeth and flinging a string of red droplets across the corpse strewn ground. In the distance, metal clanged on metal, men screamed curses in various languages. The waters of the Bannorn lapped on the muddy shores with red waves.

A shadow cast itself over Remmy. An iron barbarian, clad in thick metal from the boots to helmet stood over him. In one hand was the most brutal looking spear he had ever seen. It twirled the spear’s jagged rock head down toward Remmy’s throat, a grisly piece of flesh hanging on the tip. Its arms were looped with the stolen torques of a hundred dead Valorians and they jingled every time it moved.

A mane of black hair fell out on its shoulders when it took the helmet off.

“The woman…” Remmy thought to himself with no surprise.

The helmet thudded as it hit the ground. She had fine green silk for skin and a greasy black smile. Two small brown tusks peaked out on both corners of her mouth in an oddly innocent manner.

“Your path grows darker and darker by the step, Remyan” she said, her voice an echo. “But don’t fret, my love. The followers of the Black One shall bear to his witness. Not you. Oh no. Their blood is rat’s milk by compare. Yours is the rarest vintage of all the fine wines in the world. An auguring is afoot, Bazra. You will see the truth in the red streamers like the warlocks of old.When the Thresher comes, sowing a crop of tears, you’ll know what to do. Tis your nature. Then the fermentation will be complete. Then we can embark on ya true calling.”

Remmy opened his mouth to speak but all that came out were bloody hacks. That’s when he realized the spearhead was sticking out of his neck. Suddenly the coughs became great red globes, spilling over his chin and down his throat. He put both hands over his mouth in a fruitless attempt to quell the flow. A slender hand pulled his hair back to meet her eyes, her face so close he felt her breath.

“Shhhhhhh, love” she said in a voice just above a whisper. “Can’t we have this moment, at least in our dreams?” Her kiss was as soft as the touch of morning sunlight on a lonely grave.


This was indeed a good read. You've got a quite a few SPaG that need to be cleaned up but the language is consistent and drew me in.

I think my only issue was the spearhead sticking out of his neck without him noticing. I don't know the back story and maybe she's able to weave her words in such a way that he doesn't feel the final blow. If not, I might add a piece there to make it clear when the blow occurs and cut the line where he suddenly realizes he's been stuck.

Overall this was enjoyable. I'll have to read over your other posts.

Gold Bearer
April 21st, 2017, 07:33 PM
Nice short piece.

These two sentences need a space between them: You will see the truth in the red streamers like the warlocks of old.When the Thresher comes, sowing a crop of tears, you’ll know what to do.

I thought it was 'bare witness' but it's 'bear witness' so I learned something. Doesn't look right. Who was it, Yogi?

I think there should be some indication that it's a dream, probably by him waking up at the end. That would then explain why he didn't notice the spear going into his neck.