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CrimsonAngel223
February 3rd, 2017, 11:28 PM
Some say in the night there was the sudden creaking and thunderous clattering of the room when we arrived. Samuel and I took some drugs to run up a house in the farmlands of providence France, requested some time away from our usual labors. Although Samuel was a retired war veteran standing at around the age of forty-seven, it was time that our journey to an abandoned house-we know of it. We used to hang there as children.

‘Merde! The lights went out!, get zour ligher Chateau!’ he exclaimed.

The room was pitch black and a gust of strange wind blew through the room, we were looking for a lady. A lady was in our minds. we may have been on a couple of higher end substances but we knew that it was all for fun, in our heads the additives we took effect on our bodies too. We began to envision a figure as whenever we inhaled and exhale smoke from our cigarette we think of a lady. She’d be somewhere in this house, our Gothic-gargoyle whatever you fancy.

‘Smoking our we now? Chateau?’ said Samuel.

I couldn’t see a thing but I remained vigilante and stared down in the dark with my niggardliness in hand smoking some hot stuff in the room. It didn’t matter to me, as long as this game we’d play wouldn’t affect me too much. I’m high! Was on cocaine a moment ago outside, what can possibly come to be?

‘Wait, perhaps I see her from the void of night Samuel, we go! allos-y!’

‘Allos-y it is,’ he replied

We stopped and wondered of this lady when we ran up the stairs into the room, all was too quiet like a mouse in the pitch black with only a lighter as a beacon to get among the interior. She… Where was this figure.

She came around to put a finger, at least I felt her somewhere, somehow.

‘Exhale.’ she said.

***

‘I wonder if you are what you say.’ I reply.

‘You will never know my name.’

‘YOU ARE!’ I yell.

Now this lady was growing a definite merde on me! I know that I am too high to understand of this place I’m in. Me and Samuel are both runaways except I am a vulnerable circus gypsy Romanian-French that I feel disparity of. But putting that aside, what of this woman?

‘They call me Marie La Maud’

Adding ‘You made me up in your head remember no?’

‘I will request something, a game, ready gentleman?’

‘NO AFFAIRS!’ I say.

‘Chatterton are you alright over there?’ asked Samuel

I was perplexed, and I thought ‘My! I will try and partake in this leisure.' I hiccuped and light out of the blue started to come out from the house.

‘She was nothing but a voice?’ I wondered

‘Talking to yourself zir?’ asked Samuel.

‘Not at all, there was a voice, a lady, you-’

Clearly he was not going to understand a clue of anything being said out of me.

‘Smoke break my dear sir?’

‘Ah! Sure!’

The lights went back out again.

‘AGHHHHHHH!!!!! Not again!’

‘So men how about we start.’ she said.

Samuel knew of it now.

‘Lady Aigrette, smoked you for too long have we not?’

The game was going to commence.

‘Men take out our hands from your pocket,’ she said

‘I ask why?’ he asked.

‘The game of hers remember old man?’ I said

‘We do not have our hands,’

I puffed a helping of smoke as the lights came back on, I needed to see her. And so I went out to do the unthinkable. Could she be the lady that I need to see, be of her errands of my eye? Now what will happen if this game I play will one day be won in my view.

‘What? Why are you following to her game!’ asked Samuel.

‘Lights out gentlemen!’ she said.
Adding ‘Have you men ever read a poem called the raven before?’

‘Yes?’ we both reply.

‘No.’ I say

Ravens started flying towards the room, such macabre abnormality in this hall that when I turned to the next one there was a window with birds hovering. Cocking, squealing on the window sill, lifting it’s feathers to come at me.

malone76
February 11th, 2017, 10:47 AM
This is a very rough first draft. You might want to do some editing. It was hard to read. For example:

The room was pitch black and a gust of strange wind blew through the room, we were looking for a lady.

Should be:

The room was pitch black and a gust of strange wind blew through the room. We were looking for a lady.

Simple things like a run on sentence. Good luck!

RhythmOvPain
February 19th, 2017, 06:26 AM
There's so much wrong I really don't know where to begin, and I'm wondering if a lot of it is intentional or if English is your second language?

Apostrophes are not quotation marks.

Typos within the "quotation marks" notwithstanding, there are typos in the narration.

"Me and Samuel" should be "Samuel and I."

A "vigilante" needs to be "vigilant" (see what I did there?)

You're missing whole words in places, and commas damn near errwhere.

Not trying to hurt your feelings, understand. Everything can be fixed.