PDA

View Full Version : Venus (4,191 words/explicit content)



Absolem
January 25th, 2017, 08:50 PM
I wrote a handful of short stories and though I would post a little bit of one of my favorites and see if anyone would like to hear the story in its entirety. I have no concept of what a long short story is or what a short short story is. I just wrote until I said all I wanted to say.

If you want to read more tell me and I'll post more.

--

Venus

The fire from the sun was all consuming. Every square inch of Venus seemed to be engulfed in its inferno. Its flames were twirling around endlessly Luke the beating heart of countless Romeos who've risen and fell from the passion of all the planet represents. Love. Aphrodite gazed intently in its boundless beauty from the safety of her divine aura. Suspended in the endless darkness of infinite space was a goddess sent from a celestial realm of beauty and light.

"Its almost time." She said, her words piercing through the star speckled vacuum of space pike a chorus from a choir of angels. To any curious observer from Earth, Venus is just another planet in the solar system. To even the most imaginative and thoughtful of people would only go as far as to call Venus the evening star. But to Aphrodite and her faithful followers, Venus was more then just a bright light in the sky. More then just a note for astronomers to jot down. Venus is their soul. Their home planet. Their life source.

Aphrodite flicked her wrist towards the spinning ball of eternal fire and in an instant she was on its surface. Still inside her protective bubble, she walked through the volitile environment and lung collapsing atmosphere as if she were strolling through a park in Montana. To her and her followers who she aptly, and simply named The Fires Heart, this surface will soon be where they will start life anew. But first, change must occur in her followers. Change completed in full. The process had begun. Now, its only a matter of time before Aphrodite would get her redemption, and her followers their bliss. Aphrodite took her stroll, then closed her eyes. Calling on all the power that Venus gives her, she disappeared back into the core of the planet.

---

Young Julian left the school yard, the echo of the bell still ringing through the halls as he pushed through the double doors and out into the bright Friday afternoon. To those in school and to his family he was only Julian. A short, awkward, booknerd who seemed to have no other interest other then his responsibilities as a student. But to his closest friends, to those who knew him beyond what he led on during school and at home he was more than just another book nerd. He was leader and faithful high priest if the Fires Heart.

___

I don't know the acceptable length for submitting short stories so I went to about the second page.

Harper J. Cole
February 10th, 2017, 11:44 PM
Yes, it's quite a nice teaser, with good celestial imagery. You're a bit let down by some typos and SPaG errors though. I've noted them in blue below, with suggested amendments ...




Venus

The fire from the sun was all-consuming. Every square inch of Venus seemed to be engulfed in its inferno. Its flames were twirling around endlessly like the beating hearts of countless Romeos who've risen and fell from the passion of all the planet represents. Love. Aphrodite gazed intently on its boundless beauty from the safety of her divine aura. Suspended in the endless darkness of infinite space was a goddess sent from a celestial realm of beauty and light.

"Its almost time," she said, her words piercing through the star-speckled vacuum of space like a chorus from a choir of angels. To any curious observer from Earth, Venus is just another planet in the solar system. To Even the most imaginative and thoughtful of people would only go as far as to call Venus the evening star. But to Aphrodite and her faithful followers, Venus was more then just a bright light in the sky. More than just a note for astronomers to jot down. Venus was their soul. Their home planet. Their life source.

Aphrodite flicked her wrist towards the spinning ball of eternal fire and in an instant she was on its surface. Still inside her protective bubble, she walked through the volatile environment and lung-collapsing atmosphere as if she were strolling through a park in Montana. To her and her followers who she aptly, and simply named The Fire's Heart, this surface will soon be where they will start life anew. But first, change must occur in her followers. Change completed in full. The process had begun. Now, it's only a matter of time before Aphrodite will get her redemption, and her followers their bliss. Aphrodite took her stroll, then closed her eyes. Calling on all the power that Venus gave her, she disappeared back into the core of the planet.

---

Young Julian left the school yard, the echo of the bell still ringing through the halls as he pushed through the double doors and out into the bright Friday afternoon. To those in school and to his family he was only Julian. A short, awkward, booknerd who seemed to have no other interest other than his responsibilities as a student. But to his closest friends, to those who knew him beyond what he let on during school and at home he was more than just another book nerd. He was leader and faithful high priest of the Fire's Heart.



Let me know if you've any questions on these.

HC

Absolem
February 11th, 2017, 07:16 PM
Thanks a bunch for the grammar and spelling critique.

Bard_Daniel
February 12th, 2017, 03:17 AM
I think you've got a nice little package of a story here. I'd read more, certainly good sir, and I hope you do post it. I haven't had the opportunity to read much of your work and I am pleasantly intrigued by this piece.

Cheers! = D

bdcharles
February 13th, 2017, 09:56 AM
Hi,

For me, the real bit began with Julian. That's a very strong hook, with him as the school nerd and high priest of the Fire's Heart. I'm ready to invest based on that alone.

Leaving aside Harper Cole's comments whic hhave already covered other issues, I was thinking that maybe the earlier section could be stylised somehow, made into an epigraph or something, some little troxaic tetrameter ditty:




*

Fiery sunflames all consuming
Do not reach sweet Aphrodite
Ceaseless twirling heat inferno
Cannot scorch her aura mighty
Life anew, great change upon us
Her feet walk upon that fireball
Fire's Heart, her minions plenty
~ it's almost time ~ she tells her faithful

*





Just something there to give an example of how else it could be done, without too much repeated ideas of raging infernos etc as that first bit does somewhat verge on the overpurple, to me. But I can definitely see this going places.

Absolem
February 18th, 2017, 10:06 PM
What do you mean overpurple? I really like your idea for the beginning section. I Think putting it that way adds more intrigue. I just have to control the urge to go overpurple as you say lol.