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rickyknight1
January 21st, 2017, 06:34 AM
When you awake within this city, you will notice the light of a fading sun outside; you will then traverse over onto your front balcony, close to the trees, and find the birds up in their nest as they prepare for sleep, but soon, unlike the birds--you will learn that the sun never sets.

*** Upon this discovery, it will teach you also that although the animals go along with the times set by nature, day-by-day, for them sleep will never come, because the sun never rises nor does it ever set, here in this city. You will walk into the first neighborhood over, and learn that some of its inhabitants, once upon a time prefered to sleep in the dark.

*** However, in the same way an animal may evolve to better suit its environment, these inhabitants have in a way--accomplished the same; they no longer sleep like you and I. They have grown accustomed to being trapped in constant days of evening, so therefore--because they can only fall asleep at night, now they no longer rest.

*** They walk about like faint shadows, forever lurking in the grasp of insomnia. I have found a courtyard inside this city, that is unlike any other place known to man, and I will do my best in describing it to you. First things first, you can only reach this palace along with its corresponding courtyard, in traveling by air.

*** You must get on one of the airportís hot air balloons, because it is the only way to reach this palace, for you see, it is built on top of the very clouds themselves; and only the most prominent of citizens may live there, however I was fortunate enough to spend a day within its walls.

I already understand your next question, how do we count the days without a setting sun? Well, that question may only be answered when we reach the end of time itself, for only by looking back can we count our steps, that has been carefully outlined on the desert sands of time.

The first thing to take note of within this giant palace is the red orange sky, it has strongly influenced the architecture of all the buildings. For the most part, they are all yellow, and they mostly contain glass walls, along with metal fencings. As for the palace itself, it is set high above the stairs, which consist of about one hundred steps.

Inside the palace, almost everything is gold plated, from the tableís silverware, to the lamp posts and chandeliers. When you walk over to the bathing fountains, a glimpse of the palace's most voluptuous women will greet you. The ones with wide hips, and long hair, the ones who knowingly let you catch a few looks at them, naked.

The most notable distinction here in the palace are the people, and the number or various distinctions between them, which in the end, however unfortunate it may be--separated them amongst different classes.

The golden haired blue eyed females who occasionally sport short dresses may or may not live in tall towers, but it is almost guaranteed that if you find a man who is adorn with strong black hair and a beard, he will be wearing the finest of clothings. Such as expensive royal robes.

This means that he can eat from the cityís finest fruits without ever waiting in line, his wealth permits him to get these strongly desired delicacies, delivered straight to his doorsteps by an assistant carrier of rare treats. When you notice a woman with very large breast, and a group of men fondling over her, it is almost certain that she has already been bought and paid for, by one of these men, in fancy royal robes and the long beards.

If you get lucky enough, you will come out during one of the cityís ballads, where hundreds, and hundreds of people are gathered, during festivities. And if you and your company play your cards well enough, some of these femmes will deliberately commit minor sensual favors, yet for some, they will do even more.

And now, it is time for the grim truth, in regards to this city of evenings. It has been said, by those on the outside of the city, that they have no way of entering it. In other words, this city has no entrance. The reverse of this may also be true.

In other words, this city has no exit. Those on the outside canít get in, and those on the inside canít get out. There is no way of telling which side is true; each of them (those that are on the outside only hear rumors about inside, and never get to actually see it, or the ones inside never get to see the out) can only fathom how it is to be on the opposite end.

This is the whole truth. A gathering of people, who no longer care of the days past, neither do they search for the days to come, because everything is timeless here, in the city of evenings.


***

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dither
January 23rd, 2017, 06:43 PM
Oh dear ricky1,
it's you and me,again.
I hope you don't mind.
I don't really have the credentials critique anything and can only comment as a would-be reader.

Having read what is basically the bones of a very decent short story, i want to know more. So often you see the comment "too much information" but this piece, i feel, is starved of it.you give, as i said, the bare bones. I want to know more about the palace, Class distinctions. The notion of being constantly trapped in days of evening.

Put meat on those bones ricky1 and good luck.

rickyknight1
January 23rd, 2017, 07:11 PM
Oh dear ricky1,
it's you and me,again.
I hope you don't mind.
I don't really have the credentials critique anything and can only comment as a would-be reader.

Having read what is basically the bones of a very decent short story, i want to know more. So often you see the comment "too much information" but this piece, i feel, is starved of it.you give, as i said, the bare bones. I want to know more about the palace, Class distinctions. The notion of being constantly trapped in days of evening.

Put meat on those bones ricky1 and good luck.
I very much appreciate your comments each and everytime. I am a young writer, and so far have only managed to write really short flash fiction pieces; however, I do feel with much practice I can expand my writing and do give you and my readers the meat that is much needed, and neccesary.

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watermark
January 29th, 2017, 02:31 PM
Hello! This is an interesting location, and I would love to visit the place as it seems to be one of endless free love. XD I also quite like your description here:



The first thing to take note of within this giant palace is the red orange sky, it has strongly influenced the architecture of all the buildings. For the most part, they are all yellow, and they mostly contain glass walls, along with metal fencings. As for the palace itself, it is set high above the stairs, which consist of about one hundred steps.


The city seems like a nice setting, but right now I am not certain where you want to go with this. Is this an erotica story focused on the sexual activities of the inhabitants? Is this a story of someone inside escaping? Or a story of adventurers from outside trying to get in? Perhaps you can fill us in on more of the plot.

A small thing: I think you can take out this sentence as you already described the situation quite well in the previous sentence.


Those on the outside canít get in, and those on the inside canít get out. There is no way of telling which side is true; each of them (those that are on the outside only hear rumors about inside, and never get to actually see it, or the ones inside never get to see the out) can only fathom how it is to be on the opposite end.

rickyknight1
January 29th, 2017, 05:35 PM
Hello! This is an interesting location, and I would love to visit the place as it seems to be one of endless free love. XD I also quite like your description here:



The city seems like a nice setting, but right now I am not certain where you want to go with this. Is this an erotica story focused on the sexual activities of the inhabitants? Is this a story of someone inside escaping? Or a story of adventurers from outside trying to get in? Perhaps you can fill us in on more of the plot.

A small thing: I think you can take out this sentence as you already described the situation quite well in the previous sentence.
Thank you, and yes--I do seem to have several threads which I can work with.

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C.Stone
February 15th, 2017, 11:14 PM
Hello, New writer here. New to the forum as well. I enjoyed reading this. At first i felt as though you were describing your own version of "heaven". As I read further I realized that is probably not what your going for, but could be. Look forward to reading more about this city.

rickyknight1
February 16th, 2017, 12:54 AM
Hello, New writer here. New to the forum as well. I enjoyed reading this. At first i felt as though you were describing your own version of "heaven". As I read further I realized that is probably not what your going for, but could be. Look forward to reading more about this city.
thank you!

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Scrivener123
March 5th, 2017, 09:01 AM
Hello,

Thank you for submitting this interesting story. If I could make a few of suggestions:

1. You asked a question about how it's possible to count the days. Any sort of clock/ calendar would suffice. It may be something you work into the logic of the story.
2. You may want to make alterations to this sentence: "First things first, you can only reach this palace along with its corresponding courtyard, in traveling by air." "Through air travel" or "by air" would probably suffice.
3. I'm definitely not the punctuation monitor. However, there do seem to be some rather long sentences. I wonder if some alteration of the punctuation in some of the sentences might help give the story greater impact.

I hope that helps a little.

rickyknight1
March 5th, 2017, 11:35 AM
Hello,

Thank you for submitting this interesting story. If I could make a few of suggestions:

1. You asked a question about how it's possible to count the days. Any sort of clock/ calendar would suffice. It may be something you work into the logic of the story.
2. You may want to make alterations to this sentence: "First things first, you can only reach this palace along with its corresponding courtyard, in traveling by air." "Through air travel" or "by air" would probably suffice.
3. I'm definitely not the punctuation monitor. However, there do seem to be some rather long sentences. I wonder if some alteration of the punctuation in some of the sentences might help give the story greater impact.

I hope that helps a little.
No it helps a lot, lol

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rickyknight1
March 5th, 2017, 11:40 AM
Hello,

Thank you for submitting this interesting story. If I could make a few of suggestions:

1. You asked a question about how it's possible to count the days. Any sort of clock/ calendar would suffice. It may be something you work into the logic of the story.
2. You may want to make alterations to this sentence: "First things first, you can only reach this palace along with its corresponding courtyard, in traveling by air." "Through air travel" or "by air" would probably suffice.
3. I'm definitely not the punctuation monitor. However, there do seem to be some rather long sentences. I wonder if some alteration of the punctuation in some of the sentences might help give the story greater impact.

I hope that helps a little.
The reason i brought the question about keeping track of time is, because once upon a time we had no clock or calendars, (of course im talking about caveman days) but instead we went by the stars and moon of the solar system. Well, in the city of evenings, they never got to experience a moon or dawn, so therefore, they never developed a clock system in that world.

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3blake7
March 6th, 2017, 01:11 AM
Hello, I thought this was very interesting. The basic concept is plausible. A planet could be tidally locked and have a place on the planet where the sun is always setting and it never becomes mid-day or night.

Also, I think since everything you wrote is a narration, it should all be one paragraph. You also bounce around a little bit, you may want to rearrange some of your descriptions to make the order more logical.


The first thing to take note of within this giant palace is the red orange sky, it has strongly influenced the architecture of all the buildings. For the most part, they are all yellow, and they mostly contain glass walls, along with metal fencings. As for the palace itself, it is set high above the stairs, which consist of about one hundred steps.


I was a little confused here. Does the palace have a sky painted on the ceiling? Did the palace influence the architecture of all buildings or did you mean the fact that the sun is always setting?

Jay Greenstein
March 6th, 2017, 03:10 AM
When you awake within this city, you will notice the light of a fading sun outsideSo this statement is a lie, based on the sun never setting. And that means we have an unreliable narrator. That might work in fiction, but this is a travelogue, so that can't work. You
you will then traverse over onto your front balcony,Remember, you've placed the reader only somewhere within an unknown city in an unknown time and place. Specifying a "front" balcony implies they have a back, or perhaps side one, too.

Then there's the matter of traversing. You have to specify what they traverse or use another word. Why try being literary for literary's sake? Why not just have them go onto the balcony?

But taking that further, unless you state it as, "If, you go," you're telling me what I'm going to do. And when I wake I usually visit the bathroom and get dressed before appearing in public.
and find the birds up in their nest as they prepare for sleep,Why would you assume that anyone who woke would do so at precisely the moment when all the birds are getting ready to sleep? In fact, on a planet where the sun doesn't set, why would all the birds sleep at the same time?

The short version: Because you're making up the city, and doing so from the outside in, you're creating detail for the purpose of "look at this, isn't it interesting? Like hot air balloons that somehow move wiere the person wants them to go, when in reality, they drift before the wind. But because you're just creating and recording the detail you don't look at each thing as they relate to the life on such a world, and influences it. As evidence I offer:
for them sleep will never come,But you just told the reader that the birds were getting ready for sleep. So this makes no sense.

Before anything else, an editing for flow and logic would seem necessary.

rickyknight1
March 6th, 2017, 03:59 AM
Hello, I thought this was very interesting. The basic concept is plausible. A planet could be tidally locked and have a place on the planet where the sun is always setting and it never becomes mid-day or night.

Also, I think since everything you wrote is a narration, it should all be one paragraph. You also bounce around a little bit, you may want to rearrange some of your descriptions to make the order more logical.



I was a little confused here. Does the palace have a sky painted on the ceiling? Did the palace influence the architecture of all buildings or did you mean the fact that the sun is always setting?
i was talking about the sun

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Kusinjo
March 30th, 2017, 01:28 PM
I agree with Dither, but man oh man, you have a bright future ahead of you. The way you write has a clear voice. It sucks the reader in, and that's why we want more meat. Keep it up!