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Rairice
January 13th, 2017, 09:37 PM
A light flashed and faded, as Alexial stepped through the portal. ’It’s an abyss in here.’ Night blind in one eye, she almost didn’t notice Xander on the floor.'Why is my blue eye so lame? Am I half blind and mom just forgot to say something?' She chuckled, extending her hand out, to help him up. “Let’s hustle, before the General realizes we’re here.”

Xander bushed himself off once more.” You think he can tell?”

“He will if he decides to come in here.” She shifted slightly to see behind her. An emblem faintly glowed where the portal was made. “You see that,” she pointed, “It will glow for about an hour or so after someone has used it, but only if it was someone who hadn’t made the portal in the first place. Some sort of safety mechanism, I believe.” Arms extended, Alexial felt around until she found a wall.

Soon, Xander felt the pitter patter of fingers on his shoulder, beckoning him to follow. He stumbled around a bit, but her tight grip on his sleeve kept him on track. ” Do you know where we’re going? I can’t see a thing.” Xander tried to whisper.

“Hush, Xander. I’m seventeen, not stupid. Look.” Alexial directed him to look at a faint light, above stairs, creeping from a cracked door.

Climbing closer, Xander reached for the knob, “Finally”, he huffed, but felt the quick sting of Alexial’s hand. She nudged him back, trying to peer through the crack, making sure no one, unwanted, was there. She opened unto the other room, throwing hands in the air, they winced at the sunlight. Xander shifted away from the sun, rubbing his lids. Adjusted, he jumped to see the door had vanished, he turned once more to see Alexial unfazed. Alexial walked past him and Xander shrugged it off, realizing what she had meant before. He followed, gawking at the extravagantly decorated halls. “His house looks much plainer from the outside.”

“ALL, the houses look plainer on the outside.” Alexial jeered. Xander chuckled, bumping shoulders lightly. Their pace took them to a set of glass double doors. Through them, Alexial and Xander could see the backyard, littered in wildflowers.

“Alexial, I thought we just came from the back of the house.” Xander squinted, confused. Alexial stared at him, low-lidded.

“You did.” A voice bellowed down the hall. Alexial and Xander twisted in shock. The echo made this pale, hazel-eyed, and sandy haired kid sound like a giant.

“Thank God, I thought you were your father for a second.” Xander placed a hand on his heartbeat, trying to pace his adrenalized breathing. “I’ve never been this far into your home before, Gabriel. I always thought it was a war zone in here; the way your father makes it seem.” Xander, eyes pressed and teeth bared, tried to be polite.

”Alexial, did you two sneak in here?” Gabriel, fixed on Alexial, already knew the answer, peeking her shifty feet.

“Yes, we came through the cellar.” Her tone, unconcerned.

“The cellar? You run into anyone?” Gabriel’s question took Alexial and Xander off guard. Exchanging looks, Xander simply shrugged.

“Someone? I’m sure the answer is no, but even if there had been, it was pitch-black.” Alexial took a moment more before answering. “Couldn’t tell, there was zero lightening in there. Was there supposed to be someone down there?”

“No, I haven’t seen my father in a couple days. Thought maybe he was hiding in his cave.”

“You’re not worried about him?” Xander, seemly troubled, looked around. ‘Maybe, he’s hiding somewhere.’

“He’s a busy man, I suppose, being a General and all. Why did you sneak in here, Alexial? I know Xander didn’t put you up to this.’ Gabriel glanced at him, but Xander was already shaking his head in agreement.

“I don’t need an excuse. I’m the Godhead’s daughter. If I wanted, I could go anywhere.” Her nose high in the air, she was displeased with the blatant, but true accusation.

“That is such a lie. Your father hardly lets you leave the temple nowadays.” Xander quickly interjected. Alexial scoffed, disapproving, she nudged him hard.

“Why, do I need an excuse to come see a friend?” She dodged eye contact, shuffling. Alexial rocked on her heels impatiently.

“In your case, definitely.” Gabriel chuckled, but his humor faded as quickly as it came and the sun, peering from the clouds, diverted his attention. ‘What time is it? Doesn’t Alexial have rituals today? She must be up to no good if she’s chancing punishment from Apollyon.’ Gabriel’s face scrunched, fixing on Alexial. “It’s past rite hour; What if your father catches you not there? We’ll all be in trouble.” Gabriel was disparaging in his tone with her.

‘Who does he thinks he is?’ Alexial rolled her eyes, turning herself from Gabriel, the sun beamed in her face, and she gasped, ‘OH NO! We’ve been here too long.’ Alexial lunged toward the boys, grabbing both Xander’s and Gabriel’s hand; Not a second later they were teleported outside a Temple.

Rairice
January 24th, 2017, 02:54 PM
300 views and no input.....is that bad? it feels bad. lmao

Ptolemy
January 24th, 2017, 03:00 PM
300 views and no input.....is that bad? it feels bad. lmao

Nah, it's just most people don't critique on the open boards. You're more likely to get a response in the prose workshop. If you want I'll give you a critique in a bit after I'm done with work.

Rairice
January 24th, 2017, 03:15 PM
Any and all critics are welcomed. Is there any way to move my posts? It's okay if not, just wondering.

Ptolemy
January 24th, 2017, 03:50 PM
Any and all critics are welcomed. Is there any way to move my posts? It's okay if not, just wondering.
PM a mod/admin I think they can do it for you

bdcharles
January 25th, 2017, 12:06 PM
I'll critique in a bit - just been mega-busy, that's all :)

bdcharles
January 25th, 2017, 01:01 PM
OK, I had a read through. I've read your first piece and in general I like the sound of your world.

The chopping and changing from bold, to italics and so on, is ... it's quite disorientating, and doesn't make for a particularly smooth read.

There are also some fairly minor but frequently occurring mistakes that make following it just that little bit too headache-inducing, eg:

Xander bushed himself off once more.” [<- space and " should be the other way round. I'm sure that should be "Xander brushed" too. Just the little things to take care of, but they do matter.]You think he can tell?”

“You see that,” she pointed,[<- use a full stop/period here because you have a new sentence here ->] “It will glow

” [<- no space needed]Do you know where we’re going? I can’t see a thing.[<- should be a comma]” Xander tried to whisper.

She opened unto the other room, throwing hands in the air, they winced at the sunlight. [not sure why you comma spliced this]
Adjusted, he jumped to see the door had vanished, he turned once more to see Alexial unfazed. [nor this]
Alexial scoffed, disapproving, she nudged him hard.[nor indeed this]


Her tone, unconcerned.
- show me her lack of concern. Don't simply tell me it is present. Use body language, point of view writing, props anything to both build out world and display mood etc of the character


There are also lots of sentences with a very similar, X'ing Y, Z happened structure; eg:

Exchanging looks, Xander simply shrugged.
Night blind in one eye, she almost didn’t notice Xander on the floor.
Climbing closer, Xander reached for the knob
Her nose high in the air, she was displeased with the blatant, but true accusation. [and show us that more, don't tell it too much]


Think also about how you filter things through characters: She looked, he noticed, etc. Sometimes, you can just place us in a character's head with a little mood writing (free indirect speech, or simple narrative covering their internal thoughts). Then, when you want to invoke then thing they see, just write it as is ("waves lapped the shore", rather than "she notived waves lapping the shore")

So there are a few faults of that nature. They're cosmetic but it does help to have them sorted if you want people to read your work, and if you're looking for publication, fixing them is essential.

One other thing is that I cannot really "see" much of your world. I like the sound of it but everything that sets the scene is kind of rushed over; eg:

He followed, gawking at the extravagantly decorated halls. “His house looks much plainer from the outside.”

“ALL, the houses look plainer on the outside.” Alexial jeered. Xander chuckled, bumping shoulders lightly. Their pace took them to a set of glass double doors. Through them, Alexial and Xander could see the backyard, littered in wildflowers.

Not a second later they were teleported outside a Temple.

These underlined bits could have more descriptiveness made of them, I feel. Really try and take us there to this workd, but without infodumping. I felt that much of the writing was character, character, character, with very little worldy-buildy.

Anyway I hope this all helps. Keep at it, and try and make each bit pop! :)

Rairice
January 26th, 2017, 02:05 PM
OKAY! Thank you for the input. I'm still getting the hang of show, don't tell rule. Sometimes i find it hard to know when i should be showing verses when i should be telling. Or should i just try to avoid telling all together? As far as the comma use, i'll blame that on my ignorance. I'll make my corrections and continue writing. I appreciate you taking the time to look it over

bdcharles
January 26th, 2017, 02:56 PM
OKAY! Thank you for the input. I'm still getting the hang of show, don't tell rule. Sometimes i find it hard to know when i should be showing verses when i should be telling. Or should i just try to avoid telling all together? As far as the comma use, i'll blame that on my ignorance. I'll make my corrections and continue writing. I appreciate you taking the time to look it over

With the telling and showing, I think of it as a bit like close up camera work versus wide angle shots. Where you want to just cover the logistics of something transpiring, you might tell it, but if you want something to be more centre staged, show it.

An example of that might be:


In a village was born a boy.

versus


Mrs. Whatsherface's screams tore the air as the baby's head crowned, and every villager paused, to a man, a hundred dirty boots shuffling to a stop in the sandy earth.

(because I feel flippant and silly examples work best ;) ) But here you might want the first example to whiz us in media res quickly without all this buildup but with just enough context to situate us. The difference is which things do we care about, which things are notable enought to warrant their actual story being told, as opposed to which things just help us get our bearings.

In practise the difference can often seem like the difference between a report of something happening, and that thing actually unfolding before our eyes! It is a very handy way of making prose really come alive and seem more real and vivid. An example might be:


He stormed out of the room in a fit of anger.

versus


He stormed out of the room, pounding his fist on the wall chart and kicking the wicker bin into the secretary's corner.

So there in that 2nd example we not only witness his anger - the most salient thing - but get a little scenery in the bargain, and also a little relationship info - perhaps he is angry with the secretary or whatever was on the chart.

Rairice
January 27th, 2017, 08:50 PM
One other thing is that I cannot really "see" much of your world. I like the sound of it but everything that sets the scene is kind of rushed over; eg:

He followed, gawking at the extravagantly decorated halls. “His house looks much plainer from the outside.”

“ALL, the houses look plainer on the outside.” Alexial jeered. Xander chuckled, bumping shoulders lightly. Their pace took them to a set of glass double doors. Through them, Alexial and Xander could see the backyard, littered in wildflowers.

Not a second later they were teleported outside a Temple.

These underlined bits could have more descriptiveness made of them, I feel. Really try and take us there to this workd, but without infodumping. I felt that much of the writing was character, character, character, with very little worldy-buildy.

Anyway I hope this all helps. Keep at it, and try and make each bit pop! :)


I just wanted to touch on this a bit. Most of this chapter feels rushed because the avatar is in a rush. I thought going into too much details knowing that she is rushing to her destination would make the reader wonder why she's being so slow if she's in a rush. Should i still give more details? I don't see us going back to that house anytime in the story line (as of yet), so i didn't want to throw too much information about in the scene, just what they observed. . Do you feel i was wrong about that?

bdcharles
January 28th, 2017, 09:49 AM
I just wanted to touch on this a bit. Most of this chapter feels rushed because the avatar is in a rush. I thought going into too much details knowing that she is rushing to her destination would make the reader wonder why she's being so slow if she's in a rush. Should i still give more details? I don't see us going back to that house anytime in the story line (as of yet), so i didn't want to throw too much information about in the scene, just what they observed. . Do you feel i was wrong about that?

To me it's not so much about the amount of detail but the manner in which it's presented that is the main thing. I agree that overdoing it would clutter things up but it's possible to convey the same info in a different style to get the effect you want.

Rairice
February 10th, 2017, 04:33 PM
Please remove if this is not allowed. These are links to the other parts of this story if you would like to check them out. THANKS!

http://www.writingforums.com/threads/169469-VOVIN-CHAPTER-1-861-WORDS

http://www.writingforums.com/threads/169620-VOVIN-CHAPTER-1-PIECE-2-763