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rickyknight1
January 11th, 2017, 03:45 AM
I wake up at 5 am, and Im already feeling the pangs of suicidal thoughts, they are thoughts I ceased having a long time ago. Yet they still find a way to remain. They’re a cascade of demons, descending from my past, when I ventured into darkness.

I get out of my bed, and suddenly, I catch a captivating moment, happening in my bathroom mirror; In the next room over. *I look intently as if, I were staring into the face of another man. My style is in need of *change, and my hair doesn’t suit me anymore. I'm not sure what does. So I grab my electric razor from the sink, next to my medication and sleeping pills; and I start shaving. Then I watch. Almost helplessly, as the hairs fall off my scalp the same way my life’s falling apart.

Like things with my girlfriend Sanji, a girl from kenya, whom I met in my philosophy class. Claims she doesn’t recognize me anymore, and that I'm not the same man she fell in love with. So I finish cutting just as my new self takes over, and I discover a shining face during its grimaces of rebirth.

I seem to be out of touch with many things, and basic human warmth--is one of them. I tend to daydream into my own fantasies, while Sanji constantly asks me, what’s wrong? I don’t ever truly give an answer because there is none. I find that all journeys leading north will eventually be leading south. Everything is connected.

When I mention this she simply calls me absurd.

So I do the honest thing, and I let her dump me, but not without trying to stop her.

“Sanji--I love you. You know we shouldn’t end like this,” I said to her while standing on the sidewalk--outside of her apartment, next to the street.

“I don’t care anymore David. You need to figure out what you want, so it can keep you busy.” She replied; while talking from the open window of her living room. Sanji and I are like day and night. But we’ve managed to make things work, up until now.

“You know that I love you,” She continues, “But you’ve got some serious issues you need to figure out.”

“Look, I know things with my family are really bad. I made a lot of mistakes ok but why can’t you forgive that?!”

“I do forgive you honey, but the truth is you haven’t forgiven yourself. I just need to give you--some time off.” She finished. It was the last time I said goodbye.

The following weeks I started immersing myself within my studies, I learned the history of the Romans; and how their empire came to be. Then I learned of the death of Julius caesar, and I took this as a sign. Like my fallen hair, like my broken bones, I was now dead in front of a fallen empire.

This means it is time for me to pick up the pieces, and start life all over again.

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dither
January 22nd, 2017, 11:36 AM
rickyknight1,

i can relate to this and i feel so much of it but for me it's incomplete. You're probably aware of that. As a reader i want more and i can't say/don't know why. I just know that i'm not ready to accept the bottom line. And then, maybe the bottom line is just wrong.
Good start though.

Regards,

dither...

rickyknight1
January 22nd, 2017, 03:59 PM
rickyknight1,

i can relate to this and i feel so much of it but for me it's incomplete. You're probably aware of that. As a reader i want more and i can't say/don't know why. I just know that i'm not ready to accept the bottom line. And then, maybe the bottom line is just wrong.
Good start though.

Regards,

dither...
yes, I knew that I need to write a part two

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jenthepen
January 22nd, 2017, 04:20 PM
I understand dither's critique (above) and I think you could improve the power of the story and give more impact to the upbeat ending by moving a couple of lines. If you cut the ending from this line; So I do the honest thing,(no comma necessary here) and I let her dump me. but not without trying to stop her. and move it to immediately below this one;
“I do forgive you honey, but the truth is you haven’t forgiven yourself. I just need to give you--some time off.” She finished. It was the last time I said goodbye.
it rounds off the relationship and allows the last few lines and the conclusion to stand alone and forge a new direction, like this...

“I do forgive you honey, but the truth is you haven’t forgiven yourself. I just need to give you--some time off.” She finished.
So I do the honest thing and let her dump me.


Further to what dither said, this story might work well as the first part of a series of flash pieces, where we hear more of this new direction of life and where it takes David.

rickyknight1
January 22nd, 2017, 04:40 PM
I understand dither's critique (above) and I think you could improve the power of the story and give more impact to the upbeat ending by moving a couple of lines. If you cut the ending from this line; So I do the honest thing,(no comma necessary here) and I let her dump me. but not without trying to stop her. and move it to immediately below this one;
“I do forgive you honey, but the truth is you haven’t forgiven yourself. I just need to give you--some time off.” She finished. It was the last time I said goodbye.
it rounds off the relationship and allows the last few lines and the conclusion to stand alone and forge a new direction, like this...

“I do forgive you honey, but the truth is you haven’t forgiven yourself. I just need to give you--some time off.” She finished.
So I do the honest thing and let her dump me.


Further to what dither said, this story might work well as the first part of a series of flash pieces, where we hear more of this new direction of life and where it takes David.
Yes, my brain is already BURNING with ideas :)

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Absolem
January 25th, 2017, 07:09 PM
I'm interested to see where this goes. Write part 2.

jable1066
January 25th, 2017, 07:44 PM
It seems like you have a lot to say - and have just come out and splurged it all on the page.


I think if you slowed down, took your time and worked on each paragraph you could come up with a more compelling dialogue.


Personally - I feel like the simple writing flaws (grammar, wording etc.) are distracting me and thus, blocking me from breaking the surface and getting into the meat of the story.


I also agree it should go somewhere i.e part 2.



JB