PDA

View Full Version : VOVIN: CHAPTER 1 PIECE 2/763



Rairice
January 6th, 2017, 09:07 PM
Xander, tired of her silent answers, grabbed her arm, shaking it gently. “Alexial, will you say something? You aren’t your talkative self today.”

“Sorry Xander. There’s such little time before the doors close.” She answered, still surveying her surroundings. ”We should go around back. There’s a one-way entrance to Mr.Zilévo’s cellar.” Walking forward, she motioned Xander to follow.



Xander began scratching his neck. He shuffled positions before meeting her blue and green eyes peeking thru her long, platinum locks. ’She has to be the only person I know with heterochromia. A real dumb reason for kids at school to be rude. What’s wrong with being different anyways?’ Xander pondered for a moment, trying to backtrack his thoughts. “You know, I clearly remember General Zilévo strictly forbidding us to go down there. In fact, He’s said that EVERY time we’ve come over.” Xander snarkily remarked.


Alexial, exasperated, finger-flicked his forehead. “General Zilévo keeps secrets as well as my father and for no good reason. Plus, I’ve already snuck down there, and all he has is a bunch of old books and weapons.”
Xander gasped lightly, “Isn’t it dangerous then? What if something happens while---“

“Nothing is going to happen Xander,” Alexial snapped, “We are just going in to snatch Gabriel up and get out. We don’t have time for anything else.”

“Well, if I knew what we were doing maybe I wouldn’t have to wonder.” Xander rolled his eyes, stuffing his hands down his opposite sleeves.

“Don’t be so worrisome. It’s stressful.”

“You’re stressful.” He quipped. “Why can’t we just fly over the gate,” His gaze fell down to his wings, veiled by the cloak,
“wouldn’t it be easier to just go to the front door and ask for him?” Xander’s main remiges twitched at the thought.

Alexial’s gaze shifted slightly. She continued her pace closer to the fence and as she began to trace her fingers across the bars, a flash of blue, streaked like lightning, crackling and webbing the perimeter of the house.

“How did you know that there was a barrier? There wasn’t a haze, was there?” Xander’s excitement turned to bewilderment. He quickly stepped beside Alexial. Leaning forward, he tried to get a better look at her face. Alexial pushed him slightly.

“Powerful mana users don’t leave magical residue. Well, if they’re smart. The General must be feeling suspicious.” Alexial flexed her numb hand.

“But how were you able to tell? Is that advanced too?” Xander’s voice trailed off in a disappointing tone. Alexial lead them to a stone wall. Tall and upright, it stood there alone on all sides. She paused in front, for a moment, turning abruptly to face Xander. She waited for him to be close.

“Xander, are you still thinking about what my father said to you?”

“I guess, it has been on my mind ever since.” He replied simply.

“You can’t give my father so much credit. He’s a bully. You, of all people, should know how cruel he can be.” Alexial grasped her hip, exuding irritation.

Xander looked away, glancing the wall in his peripheral vision. ’That’s odd.’ “Why does the General have a lone wall in the back of his home? He stared quizzically.

“It’s a diversion. It’s made to throw people off.” Alexial placed her right hand on the smooth, stony surface, and then covered her blue eye with the other. Mumbling an incantation, her green iris glowed, bee-lining around her sclera. Her fingers rapped in repetition, until the wall seemed to adjust its structure.

Folding his arms, Xander felt defeated by his own questions and Alexial felt his frustration. Relaxing her shoulders, she stepped closer to grasp his. “Look, your lack of magical abilities have nothing to do with your family’s position in society. Magic is in your blood. It’s in all of us. It’s about learning to harness and control it. You just need more time, that’s all.”

‘There’s no way she believes that. She knows her father dictates the teachings of mana by status, right?’ Xander, fixed on his feet, resisted debate. “Thanks Lex. I just wish my parents were mana users, like yours. Maybe then people would respect us.” Xander huffed, quickly flashing a half-hearted smile.

With flattened lips, and expiration, she lifted her head high. “Come on, through the wall you go.”

“I’m not going thru a wa---“Cut short, Alexial tugged him forcibly. She sprinted towards the wall, flinging Xander at it first. Clinching his eyes, he let out a short cry. Beyond his eye lids a flash of light was soon replaced by darkness and even sooner, he was met by the floor. With a muffled groan, he laid there.

H.Brown
January 10th, 2017, 06:20 PM
Xander, tired of her silent answers, grabbed her arm, shaking it gently. “Alexial, will you say something? You aren’t your talkative self today.”(why is your speach in bold?)

“Sorry Xander. There’s such little time before the doors close.” She answered, still surveying her surroundings. ”We should go around back. There’s a one-way entrance to Mr.Zilévo’s cellar.” Walking forward, she motioned Xander to follow.



Xander began scratching his neck. He shuffled positions before meeting her blue and green eyes peeking thru(Incomplete word) her long, platinum locks. ’She has to be the only person I know with heterochromia. A real dumb reason for kids at school to be rude. What’s wrong with being different anyways?’ (to me this is a bit long and could be broken down to help with the pace, for example:He shuffled his feet before meeting her eyes, that were peaking through her long platinum locks. One blue, one green gazed at me. She was teased constantly for her heterochromia, pretty dumb reason I thought... Xander pondered for a moment, trying to backtrack his thoughts. “You know, I clearly remember General Zilévo strictly forbidding us to go down there. In fact, He’s said that EVERY time we’ve come over.” Xander snarkily remarked.


Alexial, exasperated, ( I think this would read better as Exasperated, Alexial) finger-flicked his forehead. “General Zilévo keeps secrets as well as my father(as we as his father is unneeded as we know nothing about anything aboat him, ask yourself is he important to the story?) and for no good reason. Plus, (delete as not needed, does not add anything)I’ve already snuck down there, and all he has is a bunch of old books and weapons.”
Xander gasped lightly, “Isn’t it dangerous then? (It isn't dangerous tthen?)What if something happens while---“

“Nothing is going to happen Xander,” Alexial snapped, “We are(we're instead) just going in to snatch Gabriel up and get out. We don’t have time for anything else.”

“Well, if I knew what we were doing maybe I wouldn’t have to wonder.” Xander rolled his eyes, stuffing his hands down his opposite sleeves.

“Don’t be so worrisome. It’s stressful.”(I would have wrote it: Don't worry so much, it's stressful. I think that reads better)

“You’re stressful.” He quipped. (I feel that a reaction from xander would make this more realistic, maybe xander could push the speaker or roll his eyes?)“Why can’t we just fly over the gate,” His gaze fell down to his wings, veiled by the cloak,
“wouldn’t it be easier to just go to the front door and ask for him?” Xander’s main remiges twitched at the thought.

This last part is very sudden and confusing. They are angels? Fallen angels? I also think that it could be rewriten so it fits with the pace of the previous narrative. Such as: Why don't we just fly over it?" His gaze fell on Xander's wings, hidden under his cloak.
"And it would be easier still to just walk through the front door and ask." Xander replied sarcastically as his feathers twitched.)
Alexial’s gaze shifted slightly. She continued to pace closer to the fence and (she began to trace) (Delete what is in the brackets and add tracing, this will read better.)her fingers across the bars, a flash of blue, streaked like lightning, crackling and webbing the perimeter of the house. would read better as: tracing her fingers across the bars caused a blue streak, like lighting; flashing, crackling and webbing around the house.

“How did you know that there was a barrier? There wasn’t a haze, was there?” Xander’s excitement turned to bewilderment. He quickly stepped beside Alexial. Leaning forward, he tried to get a better look at her face. Alexial pushed him slightly.

“Powerful mana users don’t leave magical residue. Well, if they’re smart. The General must be feeling suspicious.” Alexial flexed her numb hand.

“But how were you able to tell? Is that advanced too?” Xander’s voice trailed off in a disappointing tone. Alexial lead them to a stone wall. Tall and upright, it stood there alone on all sides. She paused in front, for a moment, turning abruptly to face Xander. She waited for him to be close.

“Xander, are you still thinking about what my father said to you?”

“I guess, it has been on my mind ever since.” He replied simply.

“You can’t give my father so much credit. He’s a bully. You, of all people, should know how cruel he can be.” Alexial grasped her hip, exuding irritation.You do not need to repeat my father as we the reader already know he is the topic of conversation.

Xander looked away, glancing at the wall in his peripheral vision. ’That’s odd.’ “Why does the General have a lone wall in the back of his home? He stared quizzically.

“It’s a diversion. It’s made to throw people off.” Alexial placed her right hand on the smooth, stony surface, and then covered her blue eye with the other. Mumbling an incantation, her green iris glowed, bee-lining around her sclera. Her fingers rapped in repetition, (in repetition to what)until the wall seemed to adjust its structure.

Folding his arms, Xander felt defeated by his own questions and Alexial felt his frustration. Relaxing her shoulders, she stepped closer to grasp his. “Look, your lack of magical abilities have nothing to do with your family’s position in society. Magic is in your blood. It’s in all of us. It’s about learning to harness and control it. You just need more time, that’s all.”(This could do with mmore explination, what is the social structure?)

‘There’s no way she believes that. She knows her father dictates the teachings of mana by status, right?’ Xander, fixed on his feet, resisted debate. “Thanks Lex. I just wish my parents were mana users, like yours. Maybe then people would respect us.” Xander huffed, quickly flashing a half-hearted smile.(What is her social standing? Who are us?)

With flattened lips, and expiration( has she expired? I think you meant expectation?), she lifted her head high. “Come on, through the wall you go.”

“I’m not going thru (it is not a text message so you need to use proper words instead of shortened slang.)a wa---“He was Cut short,as Alexial tugged him forcibly(In what direction does she tug?). She sprinted towards the wall, flinging Xander at it first. Clinching(again wrong word used here) his eyes, he let out a short cry. Beyond his eye lids was a flash of light that was soon replaced by darkness and even sooner, he was met by the floor. With a muffled groan, he laid there.

Hello,

Your story has great merit as an idea and with more drafts could be a fantastic read however I have found some issues with it as I have critiqued in red. I will now further explain why you have used the wrong words:

Expiration- this means the ending of a contract or period.

Clinching- is a term used in metal pressing and to clinch something is to either confirrm something or to grapple in close quarters,

I think that you need to remember that it is more important to use the right word even if it is a simple word rather than putting a fancier sounding word and have it not mean what you want.
Lastly I feel that you need to spend some time constructing both the setting and the characters in this chapter as at times both can be unclear tonthe reader. You have a good hook it just needs to be defined a little more, keep going with this as I woukd be interested in what this story could become.

I hope that this helps.

H.

Rairice
January 10th, 2017, 07:57 PM
Hello,

Your story has great merit as an idea and with more drafts could be a fantastic read however I have found some issues with it as I have critiqued in red. I will now further explain why you have used the wrong words:

Expiration- this means the ending of a contract or period.

Clinching- is a term used in metal pressing and to clinch something is to either confirrm something or to grapple in close quarters,

I think that you need to remember that it is more important to use the right word even if it is a simple word rather than putting a fancier sounding word and have it not mean what you want.
Lastly I feel that you need to spend some time constructing both the setting and the characters in this chapter as at times both can be unclear tonthe reader. You have a good hook it just needs to be defined a little more, keep going with this as I woukd be interested in what this story could become.

I hope that this helps.

H.

Thanks for the feedback. I'm a novice, so i appreciate the fact you took the time to read and critic it. Really, heir speech being in bold is just artistic preference. That's also the second time someone has commented on it, which i don't know if that is bad thing or not.
I really try to catch those 'thru's in there. They drive me nuts and my phone thinks it's funny to auto correct them in there. (as i type on my phone sometimes) I'll try to be more vigilant about that.



“You’re stressful.” He quipped. (I feel that a reaction from xander would make this more realistic, maybe xander could push the speaker or roll his eyes?)“Why can’t we just fly over the gate,” His gaze fell down to his wings, veiled by the cloak,
“wouldn’t it be easier to just go to the front door and ask for him?” Xander’s main remiges twitched at the thought.

This last part is very sudden and confusing. They are angels? Fallen angels? I also think that it could be rewriten so it fits with the pace of the previous narrative. Such as: Why don't we just fly over it?" His gaze fell on Xander's wings, hidden under his cloak.
"And it would be easier still to just walk through the front door and ask." Xander replied sarcastically as his feathers twitched.)
Alexial’s gaze shifted slightly. She continued to pace closer to the fence and (she began to trace) (Delete what is in the brackets and add tracing, this will read better.)her fingers across the bars, a flash of blue, streaked like lightning, crackling and webbing the perimeter of the house. would read better as: tracing her fingers across the bars caused a blue streak, like lighting; flashing, crackling and webbing around the house.
As for this part; Yes they are angels. I guess i kinda thru that in there because one, I was trying to find a way to tell the reader that they are angels. The characters already know this about themselves and i was struggling a bit to find the right way to tell the reader. (this particular piece is only the 3rd or 4th page in the first chapter so it's still fairly early.) But i will take your words into consideration and see if there is a better place to put this.
Her social status is important and should be more explained. I'll fix that. Her father is one of the main characters, so he is important.

I might be using clinching wrong. Should of used clench instead. For 'expiration', I was using the technical term. I got it from the dictionary so i know it's not wrong. Maybe confusing. Probably will change this too, as i don't want to confuse anybody with fancy words. Just trying not to be repetitive.
But again thanks.

H.Brown
January 10th, 2017, 08:24 PM
Hello Rairice,

Everyone has to begin somewhere and I think you are doing a very good job for a novice. The only way to improve sometimes is through another set of eyes. :-) There is nothing wrong with putting the speach in bold, as far as I am aware there is no rule about it, I had just never seen it done before which is why I questioned it. I had to learn about using fancy words the hard way myself when I kept losing marks in my university essays because I used a word that meant something different to what I was trying to say, so do not think you are alone in this, many of us fall into this trap.

I would enjoy reading your first chapter from the beginning as that would put this small section in context. Do not be afraid to over explain things in the first draft because you can always cut it down when you re-draft, I would say that the main aspect of your first draft is to get the complete story together with its many elements, as once this has been completed you can develop it further. I believe that finding out the characters are should be shown earlier, however without reading the beginning of the chapter I could not suggest where you could introduce this idea.

I would love to read an edited version of this once you have completed one.

Take care and keep writing.

H

Rairice
January 10th, 2017, 10:05 PM
Thank you. I will eventually post the chapter as a whole on here...well maybe. It may be too long to post pages on here but i'll keep posting pieces as i go along. At least for the first chapter. I did post the very beginning on here to be looked over. if you would like to look at it, but if not that's okay.

http://www.writingforums.com/threads/169469-VOVIN-CHAPTER-1-861-WORDS

Your advice was well received and very much appreciated.

H.Brown
January 10th, 2017, 10:15 PM
Thank you. I will eventually post the chapter as a whole on here...well maybe. It may be too long to post pages on here but i'll keep posting pieces as i go along. At least for the first chapter. I did post the very beginning on here to be looked over. if you would like to look at it, but if not that's okay.

http://www.writingforums.com/threads/169469-VOVIN-CHAPTER-1-861-WORDS

Your advice was well received and very much appreciated.
I have seen the beginning now and it makes for an interesting read, Rairice. If you would like the whole chapter looking over when finished let me know I am sure you could email it to me. Also if you have any questions feel free to ask me. ��

Rairice
January 12th, 2017, 05:01 PM
I will probably take you up on that. Hopefully i won't take too long typing it out.