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CrimsonAngel223
January 6th, 2017, 07:39 PM
The clock struck midnight and the witches hovered fairly over the hilly Victorian night gazing their clock tower. Declaring the Witches of the Church a toast to a great fanfare when goodness prevailed over the ticking of midnight indeed. They stared in awe of their church from below the busy wagons and people living their daily lives. A nightlife for a gentleman one would add and to them their satisfied of these witches that flew above them. No qualms whatsoever, knowing that they’re there to protect them from the clock runners that possibly would ruin their paradise and they needed to ensure their shield of promised verbosity that they will shelter them from these big hands and little hands that spring out like cushions from a warm bed. Their broomsticks fell over in the air as Meddy whose known as Medahlalem the Cat was enjoying his helping of injera to turn himself into a blob like it was his last night above, suspended from the world.

‘Inde! We're falling, help us Meddy!’ exclaimed Lucky.

Lucky and Moody plummeted as the alarm of the ticking hands reached out from the clock-tower in the form of an alarm-clock that went into overdrive but the cat lost his footing and nearly fell from his feet. He used his paw and caught his broomstick, almost about to fall a horrible death. But he remembered that Lucky and Moody had wings but could he use his sorcery to use their supported miracle to flutter through the sky?

‘Wings! Use your wings! Inde! Waye! I’ll help you two!’

Meddy used his hat to conjure magic from it and strange dust swirled down to raise some essence into their wings. Streaks of blue and orange waved through the air and their fins caught its spell. Their bat wings started flapping rapidly and picked them to make them ascend away from the floor of the crowd. The flew away taking their broomsticks to get away from the clock-runners for now.
***

‘You were spared this time you three.’

‘Huh? Oh no what happened now?’

The clock runner replied ‘We caught you flying above the sky, and now we-‘

‘I am the injera king, Excalibur of the Eskista!’

‘Go for it Meddy!’ yelled Moody.

Meddy blasted a beam of light and lalalalalalalalala! Went his tongue.

Meddy was a blob of injera, and became the ball of injera king.

‘This is our paradise! These skies are ours! Don’t forget that right here is the white cat of Medihalem!’

‘Mediahalem the white? No! I shall stop your witch church and your cat too!’

‘How can you do that?’ questioned Moody.

The clock runner changed its tone.

‘I’m here to help you, relax.’

‘Wait, what?’ went the witches.

‘Just run before I call my friends!’

‘I thought you said you were going to take our cat and church?’

‘Balagey! Oh, and I also speak Amharic, and your language will be extinct soon, if you push me too far…’

Rairice
January 6th, 2017, 09:16 PM
I'm not exactly sure what it is, but this is very hard for me to follow. You have some run on sentences, and need more commas in there. I'm just so lost as to who is speaking in the dialog and what exactly is happening. I'll leave this for a more experienced critic, but it needs a little refining, i think.

CrimsonAngel223
January 7th, 2017, 09:56 AM
It's clock-runners that are overrunning the world and these witches have to put a stop to them.

Ell337
January 7th, 2017, 05:17 PM
The clock struck midnight and the witches hovered fairly incorrect use over the hilly Victorian night you can't hover over the night gazing at their clock tower. Declaring The Witches of the Church gave a toast to a with great fanfare when goodness prevailed over the ticking of midnight indeed. They who is staring? stared in awe of their church from below the busy wagonsso are they hiding below the wagons? and people living their daily lives and somehow underneath the people too. A nightlife for a gentleman one would add and to them their satisfied of these witches that flew above them. No qualms whatsoever, knowing that they’re there to protect them from the clock runners that possibly would ruin their paradise and they needed to ensure their shield of promised verbosity that they will shelter them from these big hands and little hands that spring out like cushions from a warm bed. Their broomsticks fell over in the air as Meddy whose known as Medahlalem the Cat was enjoying his helping of injera to turn himself into a blob like it was his last night above, suspended from the world.

‘Inde! We're falling, help us Meddy!’ exclaimed Lucky.

Lucky and Moody plummeted as the alarm of the ticking hands reached out from the clock-tower in the form of an alarm-clock that went into overdrive but the cat lost his footing and nearly fell from his feet. He used his paw and caught his broomstick, almost about to fall a horrible death. But he remembered that Lucky and Moody had wings but could he use his sorcery to use their supported miracle to flutter through the sky?

‘Wings! Use your wings! Inde! Waye! I’ll help you two!’

Meddy used his hat to conjure magic from it and strange dust swirled down to raise some essence into their wings. Streaks of blue and orange waved through the air and their fins caught its spell. Their bat wings started flapping rapidly and picked them to make them ascend away from the floor of the crowd. The flew away taking their broomsticks to get away from the clock-runners for now.
***

‘You were spared this time you three.’

‘Huh? Oh no what happened now?’

The clock runner replied ‘We caught you flying above the sky, and now we-‘

‘I am the injera king, Excalibur of the Eskista!’

‘Go for it Meddy!’ yelled Moody.

Meddy blasted a beam of light and lalalalalalalalala! Went his tongue.

Meddy was a blob of injera, and became the ball of injera king.

‘This is our paradise! These skies are ours! Don’t forget that right here is the white cat of Medihalem!’

‘Mediahalem the white? No! I shall stop your witch church and your cat too!’

‘How can you do that?’ questioned Moody.

The clock runner changed its tone.

‘I’m here to help you, relax.’

‘Wait, what?’ went the witches.

‘Just run before I call my friends!’

‘I thought you said you were going to take our cat and church?’

‘Balagey! Oh, and I also speak Amharic, and your language will be extinct soon, if you push me too far…’


As you can see the basic English used here needs a bit of work. May I suggest you get someone to help you with that first.

H.Brown
January 10th, 2017, 03:40 PM
The clock struck midnight and the witches hovered fairly over the hilly Victorian(Is this the time setsetting for your story?)night gazing their clock tower.(why is this their clock tower? Did they build it?) Declaring the Witches of the Church a toast to a great fanfare when goodness prevailed over the ticking of midnight indeed.(This is a confusing line: who are these witches? Why are they toasting goodness? Goodness prevailed over what?) They stared in awe of their church from below the busy wagons and people living their daily lives. (how can they starstare in awe from under the busy wagons?)A nightlife for a gentleman one would add and to them their satisfied of these witches that flew above them. (this seems like it is suposed to be two diferent lines? Which makes it cinfusing)No qualms whatsoever, knowing that they’re there to protect them from the clock runners that possibly would ruin their paradise and they needed to ensure their shield of promised verbosity(I do not think that using this word makes sense here as you are not using it in the right context!) that they will shelter them from these big hands and little hands that spring out like cushions from a warm bed. Their broomsticks fell over in the air as Meddy whose known as Medahlalem the Cat was enjoying his helping of injera to turn himself into a blob like it was his last night above, suspended from the world.

‘Inde! We're falling, help us Meddy!’ exclaimed Lucky.

Lucky and Moody plummeted as the alarm of the ticking hands reached out from the clock-tower in the form of an alarm-clock that went into overdrive but the cat lost his footing and nearly fell from his feet. He used his paw and caught his broomstick, almost about to fall a horrible death. But he remembered that Lucky and Moody had wings but could he use his sorcery to use their supported miracle to flutter through the sky?

‘Wings! Use your wings! Inde! Waye! I’ll help you two!’

Meddy used his hat to conjure magic from it and strange dust swirled down to raise some essence into their wings. Streaks of blue and orange waved through the air and their fins caught its spell. Their bat wings started flapping rapidly and picked them to make them ascend away from the floor of the crowd. The flew away taking their broomsticks to get away from the clock-runners for now.
***

‘You were spared this time you three.’

‘Huh? Oh no what happened now?’

The clock runner replied ‘We caught you flying above the sky, and now we-‘

‘I am the injera king, Excalibur of the Eskista!’

‘Go for it Meddy!’ yelled Moody.

Meddy blasted a beam of light and lalalalalalalalala! Went his tongue.

Meddy was a blob of injera, and became the ball of injera king.

‘This is our paradise! These skies are ours! Don’t forget that right here is the white cat of Medihalem!’

‘Mediahalem the white? No! I shall stop your witch church and your cat too!’

‘How can you do that?’ questioned Moody.

The clock runner changed its tone.

‘I’m here to help you, relax.’

‘Wait, what?’ went the witches.

‘Just run before I call my friends!’

‘I thought you said you were going to take our cat and church?’

‘Balagey! Oh, and I also speak Amharic, and your language will be extinct soon, if you push me too far…’

Hello chrimsonangel, I have read your story and I must concur with what Ell has said about needing some extra help with the basic use of english within your piece, as you use words that I do not think you know what they mean, such as verbosity. You do not take the time to tell your story properly, jumping from one plot point to another leaves your writing hard to follow which leaves the reader uninterested to continue reading.If you wish I am willing to help with the english.

I think it has merit as a story idea I just feel that it needs more work and the idea behind it needs to be researched well and a clear plot needs to be determined upon i.e. A timeline of key events needs to be determined.

Your characters need to be looked at also so that they become their own people within your story.

The setting needs to be clearer , along with when the story is set, as if it is set in the victorian era you must research this time in history to make sure that your story fits in with historical information from that time for example if you set your story in victorian times in america, would there be a clock tower or carts? How was the technology at this time? Etc...

As I said above if you would like extra help I am willing to help you. :-)

MyrtleM
January 10th, 2017, 03:58 PM
I was a bit confused as well. For me, simplifying the sentences would allow it to become more reader friendly. The first paragraph, which set the tone, left me confused. There were a lot of unnecessary words. The edited critiques were very helpful. Especially for myself, as a new member who is hesitant with critiquing other people's work, saw my thoughts echoed in the edited critiques.
Keep going!

Moonlight
January 16th, 2017, 12:56 AM
I found it a bit confusing and made a few changes to make it read a bit more clear. Of course, my changes may not represent what you are trying to convey either.


As the clock struck midnight, the witches hovered fairly over the hilly Victorian night gazing at their clock tower. The Witches of the Church gave a toast with great fanfare when goodness prevailed over the ticking of midnight. They stared in awe of their church from below the busy wagons and people living their daily lives. (who is below?) A nightlife for a gentleman one would add, and they're satisfied at these witches that flew above them. (who is satisfied with the witches flying?) No qualms whatsoever, knowing that they’re there to protect them from the clock runners, that possibly would ruin their paradise. They needed to ensure their shield would shelter them from the big hands and little hands that spring out like cushions from a warm bed. Their broomsticks fell over in the air as Meddy, whose known as Medahlalem the Cat, was enjoying his helping of injera to turn himself into a blob, like it was his last night above, suspended from the world.

My suggestion would be to do some editing and read the piece again, but as a reader, not the writer. Since you are the writer you know the characters and the events unfolding. As a reader we are confused because what is happening is unclear. For instance, exactly who is flying and who is under the wagons?

I'm intrigued by the clock runners and hope you do take time to edit and expand the story. :)

CrimsonAngel223
January 17th, 2017, 06:47 AM
Lmao sorry my mind was a little scatter-brained when writing it so sorry for the confusion of the story I will edit it and show a revision if you guys desire to see.

kaminoshiyo
January 31st, 2017, 05:04 PM
Lol. It doesn't make too much sense. I think you had the action-scene in your head, but no story to go along with it, but it's cool for what it is. Even so, you've already gotten much of the advice you'll need to shape it up if you wish...

I DID like the title of your story- particularly your use of the word 'Ethiopia'. Very interesting- I thought I was in for something culturally and fundamentally different, but Ethiopia didn't seem to play a part in your story :(

However, there is something interesting about this world you made. I'm wondering about the role of the Clock-tower. Already, I'm thinking of metaphors of society and 'order' and how the witches guard this Clock-tower which they call a Church.

In my opinion, it sounds very magical and possibly philosophic and has great potential as an idea. It also sounds hella-fun if you decide to run with it.

Thanks for the morning smile :)

kaminoshiyo
January 31st, 2017, 05:07 PM
Lmao sorry my mind was a little scatter-brained when writing it so sorry for the confusion of the story I will edit it and show a revision if you guys desire to see.

:loyal: Yep, lol.

CWoodsField
January 31st, 2017, 05:25 PM
I am confused, as well. There are run-on sentences and it's hard to follow. Moonlight gave some valuable advice: "My suggestion would be to do some editing and read the piece again, but as a reader, not the writer. Since you are the writer you know the characters and the events unfolding."