View Full Version : Entity - #1 - Wake

December 29th, 2016, 10:05 PM

Jay Greenstein
December 31st, 2016, 04:01 AM
Okay, some hard truths:

1. People don't steal stories. So the warning serves only to demonstrate that you're a beginner, one who hasn't looked into the norms and craft of the profession. There are only seven basic plots, so forget the idea that yours is unique.

And you "have witnesses" who know it's your work? So what? Say I post it as my own work. Would you spend the money to come to my state and bring suit to make me take it down? It would cost you thousands in legal fees, and trips here, and the best you could do is to make me take it down, since I've not made money. Before you begin talking about copyright law, take the time to learn what it is and does.

2. What you posted is a synopsis, not a story. I'm not certain of what you're trying to do, or if you think what's posted has some relation to a finished story, but it cannot work as something for the reader because you, the narrator, are talking to the reader, who cannot hear the emotion in your voice, cannot see it in your expression and gestures, and knows none of the background you know as you begin reading the story.
Seth from Usa wakes up in a bed, in a different house from the one he lives into, Did you do even a cursory editing of this? At 52 words it's more than a run-on sentence, and is unfocused. A sentence has one subject. What's rhe subject of this one?

What does "Seth of Usa" tell a reader? With 319 million people living there, you hardly make a meaningful introduction by mentioning his country, because he could live in any city there, and be ten, ninety, or anything between. And in any case, someone raised in Montana, on a ranch, would be a very different kind of person from one raised in Long Island, or from Tucson Arizona. So simply giving the name and country of birth, or even the city, tells the reader nothing useful. That aside, the country name is presented as USA, or US, not Usa, because it's an abbreviation.

What does telling the reader he wakes up in a different bed mean to the reader if they don't know where he usually wakes, or why the change happened? From a reader's viewpoint this is meaningless. And that pretty much applies to the rest of what you posted, I'm afraid. You're thinking in terms of plot, and explaining what happens in it to the reader. But plot is history, not story, and the result of talking about it always will read like a report, and be no more, or less exciting than any other report. Readers want an avatar, not a cast of characters. Story is triggered by what happens to that character. So listing where everyone in the story woke is an info-dump of meaningless data. You could interchage the waking place of every character and have no change in the story.

Story is lived, not talked about. And to present a story in that way requires far more than the report and essay writing skills we learn in school. It requires an in depth knowledge of things like how a scene on the page differs from one on the stage. How can we write a scene that seems real if we have no idea of what a scene is, and how to handle the elements that make it up? Here, you have no scene, just a listing of where people we don't know woke, and an overview of people doing nothing more interesting that talking about what happened.

Given that you've posted a second chapter, we know you have the desire, and the perseverance. And that's good, but not enough. You also need the writing techniques the pros take for granted, just as the nonfiction writer must know the structure and presentation techniques needed for an essay or paper.

So keep on writing, of course. But in addition, put some time aside to acquire and perfect your knowledge of writing fiction for the page. Your local library' fiction writing section can be a huge help in that.

December 31st, 2016, 04:32 AM
I know it is a synopsis. I do not see this as a finished work. I posted it for feedback.

Seth is an actor. It's explained in the story and that differentiates him from the millions of american teenagers. Not everyone, but many characters of this story are described and have their own identity. I know that a few of the chars have little info. I recently bought a screenwriting book -manual. I am planning to refine this episode at some point in the future.

December 31st, 2016, 05:36 AM
I'm not sure wht kind of feedback you are looking for. As a synopsis it is long-winded and incomplete - it's really just a scene setter although still much too long. As an idea - well what is there to say about an idea? We all have them - it's what you do with them that counts. So go write your story then let someone read it and give you feedback then.

Good luck.

December 31st, 2016, 09:10 AM
This part would also probably be too short for a single episode, so maybe to design the first episode I would need to take the first and second story I got and get them back in a single one.

December 31st, 2016, 09:28 AM
Is this supposed to be a TV series?

December 31st, 2016, 10:34 AM
Is this supposed to be a TV series? Yes, it is supposed to. I guess there is much work to do about it. But I am writing loglines and general summaries for the plot, characters and episodes. I also created a dedicated blog.

December 31st, 2016, 10:54 AM
A logline is a one (or occasionally two) sentence description that boils the script down to its essential dramatic narrative in as succinct a manner as possible.

I'd work on that.

Ok look - you already have WAY too much material here. This is all stuff for you, as the writer, to keep track of the characters, backstory etc. It has no part in the actual script and is impossible for anyone to give any feedback on. It's all ideas stuff, not actual script.

As for writing the script... get some good scriptwriting software.

Ok I did recommend Celtx which is what I write my scripts on, but it's been a while since I visited the forums and apparently they have closed.

You can still download it from here:


It's free, it's brilliant, it has loads of templates for every conceivable type of document you could want and makes script writing as easy as it can be without writing it for you.

December 31st, 2016, 11:13 AM
I almost don't know where to start advising you on what you have written.

Character descriptions must be specific and vague. Someone has to cast the parts so where the character is from makes no difference whatsoever.

What you need is:

Seth, age 16, an acting nerd, likes Toy Story.

Leon, age 15, Argentinian, active outdoors.

Kath, age 17, cheerleader.

The idea is to give the casting director a type to look for - age, race, important physical characteristics or 'type' - soccer mom, housewife, cheerleader, office worker, sporty, manual labourer, those kind of things that define a person through appearance, but you can't be too specific so no 5'6" brown eyes black hair type descriptions because those aren't important and make casting impossible.

location descriptions:

you are NOT, repeat NOT the set designer. You will NOT, repeat NOT have any say in these things. So your job is simply to locate the person in a room that you describe as LITTLE AS POSSIBLE and only to set the scene.

Seth wakes up INDOORS, in a bedroom decorated in Toy Story paraphernalia. Done. The rest is up to the director, the set designer and the art designer.

Familiarise yourself with things like INDOORS, OUTDOORS, DAY, NIGHT. These are important descriptors for the rest of the crew to work off and really all you will ever need. Remember you write the words the actors speak and virtually nothing else.

No emotional descriptions for the characters. The actors will do that under the directors advice. You are NOT the director or the actor, just the writer. You put words in the actors mouth - they act.

Take a look at some sample scripts to get an idea of how to write a script.

December 31st, 2016, 01:18 PM
The actor for a part must not be necessarily similar in personality. Seth is not Andy. Seth played Andy in a movie.
Okay, so minimal description of the locations. But that minimal is necessary to the plot at some point.

December 31st, 2016, 04:41 PM
The actor for a part must not be necessarily similar in personality. Seth is not Andy. Seth played Andy in a movie.
Okay, so minimal description of the locations. But that minimal is necessary to the plot at some point.

Not your call. Writing a script is not anything at all like writing a story. You literally provide the words and practically nothing else. A movie or a TV show or even a play is a collaborative effort - there is a director, actors, set designers, casting directors and a writer. The first and most important lesson to learn is that you have your job, which is to write words for actors to speak, everything else is someone else's job.

Look at this script:


Location is given as 'bookstore' but there is no description of it. The actress's age is given but no description. There is no idea of what they are wearing, what the location looks like, nothing. Just the absolute bare minimum to create the framework for everyone else to build on.

December 31st, 2016, 04:55 PM
This is a page from Lily Collins actual script for 'The Mortal Instruments'. Take note of where she has crossed out the writer's idea of how her character should feel. (so basically don't do it - you are wasting your time). Note that there are no camera shots or filming directions (those go on the shooting script which is a separate beast and made up by the director and DP (Director of Photography). It is basically words and a few very basic essential directions and nothing else. That is what you write.


December 31st, 2016, 05:24 PM
I'm new on this forum, so only discovered this myself, but I think you ought to be posting in this section: