View Full Version : A claim to salvation

December 21st, 2016, 12:21 AM
My journey started on a hot summer afternoon, while playing kickball with some of the neighborhood kids that went to my high school. The purpose of me playing was to win! Once that happened, I was sure I’d be famous--which would of given me the key to unbolt the door. And what’s behind the door you ask? All the lucky hot chicks who would want to date me for being a superstar.

My team captain on that day was my best friend Frank, our very own 200 pound freshman. Although I was barely half his size, and a tenth grader, me and Frank got along pretty well. He knew every single dirty secret that I carried around with me through the hallways and in the classrooms. But right then, all he also cared about was winning.

We were playing on a grassy field next to an old junkyard, and Karen--who was the other team’s pitcher, was awaiting for me to step up. She looked extremely voluptuous in her jean shorts and pink basketball jersey, I even had a hard time concentrating. She rolled the ball so fast that I barely saw it coming, and my nervousness rattled my whole rib cage!

That was the last play of the game, and we were down. But if I were to make a great kick, we would surely win; and I would of definitely got what I wanted, which was to be a hot playboy. So I kicked the ball with all the willpower that I could muster from my limbs, and we all watched it go up in the air like a rocket! But eventually the unthinkable happened, the ball flew past the big metal fence and landed in the junkyard.

I watched it all in bewilderment as my inevitable downfall begun. We had to take a tie, and thus cutting short our easy sunday afternoon. And just like that--my dreams of being famous was like a broken vase that you can’t piece back together, and if you tried, the jagged edges would cut you.

Later on that day Frank, Karen, and myself, all sat in my bedroom as I contemplated going over the fence to get back my ball. And reclaiming my salvation.

“Dude, you just need to hold the freaking camera to record while I do it!” I impatiently yelled at Frank. You see, the idea was, if I got back the ball everyone would think me a hero and I would still get what I wanted. All Frank had to do was record me with the camera as proof for my validation.

“Forget the camera, it’s the guard dogs that I’m worried about,” Karen said.

“You let me handle that sweetheart.” I replied. Soon after I ran out of my bedroom leaving those two behind, and when I came back, I flashed an all black .380 pistol.

“Jesus dude, is that real?” Frank asked.

“Relax. This is just my dad's air pistol. He likes to use it to scare off the racoons who trashes through our garbage cans-”

“Holy crap! Let me guess,” Karen interjected. “You plan on using that incase the dogs attack you, right? Ugh! I swear, boys are so stupid.” She muttered to herself in disbelief.

“Don’t worry babe I can handle it.” I replied, then I carefully studied my glock until I fell in love with it. Then I loaded it and cocked it, then threw it on my waist under my shirt. We waited for nightfall to sneak to the junkyard like purebred ninja, Frank and Karen stayed behind while I climbed over the gate. *

As I started snooping around I took notice of the junk that was crumbling on the dirt beneath my feet, creating an echo throughout the junk yard. I was staring at multiple piles of old vehicles in the dark hoping to find my ball, while Frank and Karen stood on the opposite side of the fence filming me with an infrared light camera.

When suddenly, I kicked a glass bottle by accident. I jumped in horror as it flew across the ground cracking a loud noise. Then my ears quickly locked onto a loud snarl coming from the distance,

“Dammit” I whispered to myself. Soon after, I was alerted of barking and multiple footsteps scrambling in my direction. So I panicked.

“GET ON THE FREAKING TRUCK!” Frank jerked out. I started sprinted towards a big red truck, and when I got in front of it, I reached up to grab the emblem on the hood to pull myself up. When the dogs got closer all three of them ended up slamming into the front of the truck in their attempt at biting me.

“Holy Jesus.” I said. My heart was pounding out of my chest, my breathing was hard, and by then, my face was drenched in sweat from all the running I had to do to stay alive. But the three dogs wouldn’t quit, they all stayed in front of the truck barking and barking, and I knew sooner or later we would get found out because of all the noise.

In that moment I gave up on finding the ball, by then it was more about survival and finding a way to stay out of trouble. So I reached around my waist and searched for the cold steel, when I pulled out the gun I fired it multiple times at the dogs. They were shaken because of the tremendous noise that it had made, so I used that opportunity to step down off of the truck.

I kept my gun pointed at them to keep them in check, and they didn’t dare to try anything funny. I looked over at Frank and Karen and saw them waving me over, and by the time I got closer to the fence--I noticed a red ball sitting in the corner by a pile of cars. And just like that I reclaimed salvation.

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December 28th, 2016, 11:30 AM
Hi rickyknight1. What sort of feedback are you looking for? And what are you looking to do/create/evoke with this piece? Only then can I tell you whether you've achieved it :)

As it was, I quite enjoyed the high-school feel of this story. Nice image of dreams being like a vase that would shatter if mishandled. If I were you, though, I would make less of the backstory about Frank and more of the shooting of the dogs. That's the noteworthy event.

One point: "would of" -> should be -> "would have". Schoolboy, schoolboy error that unfortunately will put off some readers investing at all.

Few comma splices: But eventually the unthinkable happened,[<- there] the ball flew past the big metal fence and landed in the junkyard.
She looked extremely voluptuous in her jean shorts and pink basketball jersey,[<- there] I even had a hard time concentrating.

Watch also those exclamation marks! There's only so much amazing a person can take in a short space!