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View Full Version : Opinions on one of the main antagonists in my book.



CPMurphy
December 19th, 2016, 01:12 AM
I am doing a rewrite and wanted peoples opinions about how i have portrayed one of the main antagonists. (strong language and cruelty )
This person is mentioned earlier in the book and through out this and the following two books.

He is a important character i envisioned him as a cruel self centered person but very clever. its a long read but i enjoyed writing it so hopefully some will enjoy reading it.

Chapter 6




Paul Mason stepped out the front door of his apartment onto the footpath, tilting his head backwards he looked through the gloom of the darkness of night, a darkness which was made even more frightening by the giant shadow, a shadow that was been cast by the alien craft overhead as it refused the moons light access to the land below it,

His eyes took a few seconds to adjust before they could make out what they sought. The architect of the shadows, he could just roughly make out in the distance where the ships dark border met the slightly brighter night’s sky.

Whereas almost anyone who looked at these giant ships was consumed by a sense of dread and terror. Paul saw them almost as if they were here as a personal lucky charm; he gave slight smile, accompanied a nod of greeting towards the dark object overhead.
Thanks to this occurrence, the nightmare few days he had been living vanished the moment these ships arrived.

He had been on forced leave while Colonel Wallie did his best to build a case against him and have him dishonourably discharged,

His father’s face had been all over the newspapers and television, everyone wanted to see the disgraced minister squirm,

Paul knew he would have no help from that direction, he wasn’t even sure how long it would be before his father even spoke to him again,

He could see no happy ending, every scenario he ran through his mind gave him roughly the same outcome more or less, your fucked Paul,

Thoughts of suicide had even forced their way into Paul’s head those nights, his father was refusing to take his calls even his mother refused him when he asked her to talk to his father for him, “I plan never to see or talk to that man again” she had told her son but in somewhat more colourful language,

Paul had lay on his bed most of the evening, a half empty bottle of Scotch his only companion, he had argued all evening with himself, always blaming everyone else for the circumstances he now found himself in,

Stupid old bastard what were you doing putting some slut up in an apartment just so he had somewhere to dip his wick when he was in Canberra,

That stuck up prick Wallie who the hell does he think he is. One of these days I will sort you out, mark my words.

But mostly he blamed Nathan, you have always stuck your nose where it doesn’t belong,

I was the King of that school till you came along, every kid there was scared of me and would do everything I told them to do,

But after that day in the school yard, his mind drifted back all those years, the image of a young Paul crying and running away from the taunts and laughter aimed at him from those very same kids who just yesterday wouldn’t have had the nerve to even look him in the eye,

You did this, couldn’t mind your own business,
I’m a fucking solider you owe me some fucking respect, but no you have to fill out some shit filled report, and then you send it into that bastard Wallie so he can try to take from me the good life I had built for myself here.

A new image pushed into his mind, this one bringing an evil grin to his face, he could almost still feel the sensation of when his boot landed on Nathan’s ribs, his leg started to twitch in unison with the memory of each kick he hurled into Nathan’s body that night.

He had drifted off into sleep somewhat happy with the images that accompanied the surrender into unconsciousness.

He couldn’t be sure how long he had slept before a loud knocking on his door finely managed to pierce his drink infused slumber.

At first he had tried to ignore the knocking, but whoever was causing it was very persistent.

“Hold your piss will you” he roared in the general direction of the front door as he clambered from the bed,

Upon he opening the door he was greeted by a young faced soldier he recognised from his barracks,

“What do you want calling here at this hour of the night”, he hadn’t a clue what the time was but since it was pitch dark outside he guessed it had to be late?

“Sergeant Mason you are ordered to report back to barracks without delay”, the young soldier announced.

The slight tremor in the soldier’s voice and scared look on his face gave Paul a brief superior feeling, they still see me as the real power in the barracks he told himself,

He took a few seconds pause to gather his wits, before addressing the frightened looking young man at his door,

“What’s so urgent that they want me back in such a hurry”, “don’t you and who ever sent you know I’m on leave”, “so if they want me to report in I will do it in my own good time”,

“I’m sorry Sergeant” the young man replied, tears starting to form at the corners of his eyes,

“I was just given my orders, and those were to notify you and some others that they were to report in immediately”.

Paul took a harder look at the young soldier, what has him so scared of me Paul asked himself or is it something else that has him this scared,

The young man looked like he was barely out of his teens, twenty at tops Paul guessed, he had just passed his basic training a few weeks back Paul remembered seeing him at his passing out parade.

If it’s urgent why send this greenback for me why not just phone, Paul wondered, this kid is scared shitless and it something else not me he finally surmised, he isn’t even seeing me, whatever it is, this kid just wants to carry out his orders and run home from the look of him.

“What’s your name Soldier?” Paul asked the tone in his voice had worked for years to strike fear into any recruit unlucky enough to find themselves under his command.

But it had no effect on the young soldier standing in front of him. The soldier seemed like he wasn’t even listening he just kept glancing back over his shoulder,
Whatever is going on hasn’t just got this kid scared he’s terrified Paul told himself.

Reaching out with both hands Paul roughly grasped soldiers’ shoulders and shook them at the same time telling the now almost panicking Soldier to “snap out of it”,

When he finally managed to get the attention from the soldier and was able to look directly into the young man’s tear filled eyes Paul again asked him his name but this time his tone was gentle and none intimidating.

“Just take a breath and tell me your name”,

“Mooney Sergeant”, “Private Mooney”,

“That’s better” Paul told him while keeping his hands on private Mooney’s shoulders so he could shake him if his attention started to wonder again,

“Now tell me everything that’s happened and why you were sent here tonight”. “Why not just phone?”

“There’s no mobile signal it’s all been blocked off” private Mooney answered his voice filled with sobs as he tried to compose himself,
“They had to send messengers to tell everyone who hadn’t already reported in that they were to do so right away Sergeant”.

Paul ceased his now slight shaking of the man’s shoulders as it dawned on him this is something else I don’t think it has anything to do with my charge.
Which is what he had initially believed the summons to report in was all about

“Private Mooney”, Paul said, “just take your time and please tell me what the fuck has happened that the brass would sent your sorry little ass out in the middle of the night to summon me”, “can you answer me that”, his tone had started softly now it was back to a one filled with menace, he never had much patience, and the little he did have was been worn thin by this sodding wreck,

“I don’t know Sergeant”. Mooney who was now looking like he was making ready to flee, his glances over his shoulder becoming more and more frequent, “they sent some others and me out with a list of names and addresses”, “and told us to let everyone on the list know that they were ordered to report in”, “without delay”,

“And Sergeant its ten hundred hours”. “It’s been dark like this since the ships arrived”, Mooney’s voice trailed off as he again turned his head to look over his shoulder,

Paul was now sure this was a dream he was having because what he was hearing wasn’t making sense.

“What have those sheep shaggers in the navy fucking done to make it dark during daylight”, upon hearing the word ships his mind instantly related to the navy and had Paul trying to imagine what disaster could those clowns have done.
“And what the fuck are you looking over your shoulder at?” Paul asked.

Private Mooney turned around and pointed his finger upwards to the sky, “the ships Sergeant”, “they just appeared there last night”, “they are everywhere and no one knows why they are here”,

Paul said nothing as he stepped outside his door, his eyes followed Private Mooney’s finger to where it pointed to in the darkened sky, what the fuck is he pointing at Paul wondered his eyes had frantically searched in the direction the finger had been pointing but he couldn’t make out any shapes among the dark sky. The sky is too dark to see anything he was in the middle of telling himself just as the realisation hit him that it wasn’t the sky he was seeing,

Paul’s knees almost buckled as the truth of what he was seeing sunk fully in, from every direction from where he stood all he could see in the sky was the underside of a ship that was the size of a small city.

Paul wasn’t fully sure why he had reported in for duty, initially he had just wanted to barricade himself into his apartment, but it didn’t take long for the pointlessness of that plan to sink in, if they can build something that big a fucking door isn’t going to stop them he reprimanded himself for his poor judgement.

After abandoning his first instinct to hide his thoughts turned to defence, there’s plenty of bodies he could have defend him back at the barracks he remembered,
That was the reason he was here he reminded himself, he still wasn’t sure what his position of power held like but still had his stripes till someone told him otherwise.
As he made his way to the CO’s office as he had been instructed to do he was greeted by a fellow NCO,

“Shit Paul am I glad to see the likes of you here”, “half the companies are down as low as 40pc without enough NOCs or officers to command even that few”,

“we have been sending hundreds of younger heads out to order as many as can be found to report in”, “but most of them either fucked off themselves before delivering any orders”, “or if they did pass on the orders before they fucked off not many have reported in”.

“Slow down Joe and catch your breath will you”, Paul told his colleague. “Will you wait here and you can fill me in when I came back”, “I have to report in to the CO first”, “and you know that cunt Wallie doesn’t like been kept waiting”, he was just about to leave when what Joe replied made him stop in his tracks,

“No problem Paul I will be right here”, “oh and Wallie has gone”,

“What?” Paul asked, he had clearly heard what Joe had said, he just needed the time it took for Joe to repeat what he had just said so he could try work out the ramifications of Joes statement and figure a way to work this in his favour,

“Where has Wallie gone and for how long?” “And who the fuck is in charge now?”

Paul asked grabbing Joe by the collar.

Joe’s eyes went from Paul’s face to his hand which had hold of Joe’s collar and back to Paul’s face, “For fucks sake Paul what’s wrong with you”, His own hand working to loosen Paul’s grip on him to no avail,

“Sorry Joe” Paul apologised as he let go of Joe’s collar, “you know that cunt had it in for me”, “he was doing everything he could to set me up”, “just tell me what’s going on with Wallie?”

“Its fine mate” Joe replied, “I heard some of the bullshit that was been said about you”, “I never believed a single word of It Paul”, “you were always ok in my book”,

Joe noticed Paul wasn’t interested in any of this he just wanted answers. “Yea Wallie got moved on”. “A few hours after those fuckers up there arrived”, Joe nodded his head upwards to make sure Paul was understanding what he was referring to ”this staff car arrived with two military police on motorbikes escorting it, it pulls up right outside Wallie’s office”, “two brass get out of the car don’t even look right left or even upwards”, “they just head straight into Wallie’s office and shut the door”,

“About five minutes later one of the brass sticks his head out the door and askes could someone tell Major Sturridge to join them in the office”, “he closes the door and goes back into the office”.

“Those of us outside were left scratching our arses wondering who the fuck is Major Sturridge”, “you will never guess who it is go on try?” Joe asked Paul.

“I haven’t got a fucking clue” answered Paul, “just continue with the story will you”,

“The Old Badger that’s who” Joe continued, “in all the years I have known him I never knew him by anything but the Old Badger”, “someone remembered delivering a letter to him at some time and thought he remembered he name on the envelope was addressed to Major Sturridge”, “you know corporal teabag, what’s his name from D Coy”,

Paul had to interrupt or this story could go on all night,
“Joe will you just concentrate and tell me the main points please he asked”,

“Sure sorry again Paul”, “anyhow” Joe continued without missing a beat,
“The old Badger was found where he is normally to be found”, “in the officer’s mess”, “thankfully he hadn’t got too much into himself and if you didn’t know better you would swear he hadn’t touched a drop”.

Joe noticed Paul was starting to lose patience again, “to cut a long story short” he said noticing a look of relief on Paul’s as he continued, “after ten minutes or so after the Old badger went in the two brass plus Wallie left together”.

“The three of them just got in the car”. “None of them saying a word they just took off accompanied by the two bikes”,” a few seconds later the Old badger appears, a stupid grin across his face”, “soon as he seen the car had left the main gates he couldn’t wait to fill us in”,

At long last Paul thought.

“The hub of the story the Old Badger tells us is that Wallie has been assigned to some special task force”, “something to do with a coming up with some shit about tackling the alien treat or something”, “anyhow he is gone as far as everyone is concerned”,

A slight smile crossed Paul’s face after hearing that piece of news, “so who is in charge now?” Paul Asked,

Joe looked at Paul, a stupid grin on his face lighting it up, “That’s the best part”, the Old Badger informed us that he is the new Co”,

“Bull” Paul answered back, “There’s no way would the brass ever but a fool in charge”, “they couldn’t do”, “there’s no way that prick Wallie would sanction something as stupid as that”,

“No No its true honest” Joe replied. “There’s a shortage of officers, hundreds of the cunts have done a runner and the Old Badger was the highest ranking officer who was on duty”, “from what I heard Wallie was told he had no say in his successor”. “He was told his duty lay elsewhere and there wasn’t time to discuss anything else”,
“My guess is it won’t be too long before someone is sent to relieve him but till then he is the new CO”, Joe finished

Paul felt like lady luck had just showered him with good fortune, not only was Wallie not around to make life hell for him but he now had the Old badger in charge,
Fuck they may have just made me CO, that old drunk does everything I tell him to do in fear that I will turn off his bar tab in the mess he told himself,
Paul looked skywards and nodded his head in that direction in salute to the darkness that had so far brought him good luck,


The ships had been overhead for almost a month and as Paul stepped out of his apartment that night and looked at the alien ship he felt no fear from its presence.

A month and they haven’t moved an inch or made any sign that’s there’s even anyone or thing on board, they were just there.

Paul was convinced they posed no treat, he believed something intelligent enough to build something so magnificent as these crafts that if they were here to attack they would have done it immediately upon arrival and not just hang there in the middle of the sky doing nothing,

He was a believer of the latest explanation, some university professor has surmised, something that Paul had listened to on the radio,

The Professor was on some government hosted show telling everyone it was his belief the ships were in fact empty that they were actually giant tankers, he went on to explain how water is such a rare commodity in space that these tankers are here to take our water,

“If they are here for our water” he was asked “why haven’t they started take it?”

“And if they are here for the water why are they stationed over almost every city in the world and not over the seas?”

“Simple” the professor continued as if he was being asked a simple maths question by a ten-year-old,
“The reason they have not started to take any water is because they didn’t expect to find intelligent life on the planet”.

“They have most likely travelled hundreds of thousands of light years to get here, they would have been using some kind of advanced technology to scan the universe for signs of water”,

“They spot our little world that has abundant water on it”, “then when the tankers they sent arrive they used the tankers to scan the planet for signs of intelligence”.

“The tankers then would be ordered to estimate the population and they would then measure how much water can safely be taken before it overtly hurts the lifeforms on the planet”, “that’s why they are over our most populated locations, they need to see how many people there are”, “and I strongly believe once they have made their calculations they will contact us in friendship”,

At first the professor and his theories were dismissed as the wishful thinking of foolish old idealist, but as the days turned into weeks and there was no sign of hostile intentions the professor views gained more and more converts who started to think and mostly hope he was right,

His bringers of his good fortune had also cast their gaze on other members of his family, His father James was getting his voice heard and face seen more and more often on television and radio, this time he was been seen as a voice that related to the people’s fears, and his previous transgressions were been quickly forgotten by most, his ministerial position was even reinstated.
If there was one thing James Mason knew it was the use of the words that the people wanted to hear.

“We have contingences in place”, “measures have been taken”, “if they are here with peace as their message they shall receive a warm Aussie welcome”,
“If they come here with menace as their objective”, “they will be greeted by an even warmer Aussie welcome and shown what the spirit of ANZAC means”,

Life is good Paul told himself as he got into the waiting army G Wagon.
“Did I miss anything today?” He asked Joe, who had been giving the cushy job of been Paul’s driver,

Paul made himself comfortable in the back seat. “Nope just the normal stuff” Joe answered, “some of the lads caught a looter and are holding him over night in an abandoned building to scare the life out of him”, “it’s just a young kid so it shouldn’t take much to make sure he doesn’t go looting again”.

“Another batch of AWOL turned up today for duty”, “seems more and more people are feeling safer with the strong military presence”, “they are not seeing many signs of looting or gangs running wild since you” … “I mean Major Sturridge enforced martial law with his special guidelines”,

“He got another two calls today from brass letting him know how happy they are with the great job he is doing”, “Silly old piss head is lapping it up and hasn’t got the foggiest what they are talking about”, “Thank, you sir”, “Just doing my best sir”, “lick my balls and scratch my arse at the same time sir”, Joe mimicked Major Sturridge.

“When this is all over I am guessing you will make sure it gets known that it was you who kept this place together?”, “the Old Badger did nothing but get pissed out of his head every day”, “Am I right Paul?”

“It’s up to every soldier to use his initiative Joe”, “and that’s all I’m doing”,
“The brass doesn’t want to hear reports of looters getting shot and such”,

“We don’t have the time or luxury of courts to deal with things”. “So isn’t it best to make sure anyone caught looting doesn’t do it again”,
“A few broken bones is a great deterrent”,

“Trust me Joe”, Paul continued, “if someone is pointing a loaded GP 35 at their head while they are getting their face stamped on they won’t ever try steal anything again”, “If it’s a mob running wild”, “well a few shots over their heads and half of them shit themselves there and then”,

“I agree Paul”, Joe replied as he drove through the deserted streets, “most of those looting or forming mobs are just kids”, “or some knob heads thinking they can get away with it”,

Joe hesitated for a second, “there is some of them who are genuinely hungry and are just trying to get food”. “Maybe we should go a little gentler on those?”

Paul’s tone got harder, “and how the fuck are we to know if they are genuine or not Joe?” “Have you got some mind reading abilities that you never told me about?” “Fuck that”. “I want it out there that’s there’s no exceptions”, “you commit an offence and you get your bones broke”, “if you’re hungry tough shit”, “I’m not a fucking charity”.

“I guess your right Paul”, Joe meekly replied. “He had seen both sides of Paul before, and knew which side he wanted to stay on”.

It’s Time to change the subject Joe thought to himself, “we have some time to kill you’re not due to send in the old Badgers report in for another hour or so”, “how about when we get back we hit the mess for a while”, “I could do with a drink”, he said.

Paul was about to agree when he remembered something, “I have a better idea Joe”, “I feel like letting off some steam”, “let’s go have a chat with that looter you mentioned earlier”,

Joe’s fingers tightened on the steering wheel, “by the time we get there and then back to base we wouldn’t have much time for a drink before you have to send in the reports”,

Paul had taken it upon himself to fill in all the reports that were to be sent to the brass, most of the time the old Badger was too drunk to read what he was signing and would gladly scribble his signature to anything Paul put in front of him, especially since Paul would always bring a bottle of whiskey with the reports,

“I’m paying Joe continued and that’s not an offer you hear every day”. Joe said whilst cursing himself under his breath for mentioning the looter,

“That’s good of you Joe”, Paul replied, “I will hold you to that”, “but I want to pay a visit to the looter first”, “there’s plenty of time after the reports are sent to have that drink”,

Joe knew well enough not to push the matter any further, “sure thing Paul” he replied,

The two soldiers stationed outside the abandoned store where the young looter was being held watched as the headlights of the G Wagon drew closer,
“Looks like they are coming this way” one of the soldiers remarked to his companion,

“Yep looks like” the other soldier replied, “maybe we are being relieved early”,

“not a chance we only reported back for duty a few days back so you can bet your life we will be here for the night”, the first soldier managed to say as the personal carrier came to a halt in front of him,

They were expecting to see some high ranked officer exit the back of the G Wagon especially when the driver rushed to open the door for the occupant,
Both were surprised when the passenger exited and it was clear to see he held the same rank as the driver,
They exchanged glances to each other but said nothing,

“It’s a cold one” Joe said to the two sentries with a nod of recognition,
“This is Sergeant Mason he wants to talk to the looter”, “he is still here I hope?” Joe was praying the answer would be no,

“Yes Sergeant”, “the prisoner is still inside” the first soldier responded, “he was doing a bit of crying earlier”, “we scared the shit out of him threating to murder him and his family and such”, “I don’t think we will be seeing him getting up to no good again”,

“That’s great” Paul replied in a dismissive tone, “you three wait out here while I go and have a few words in his ear”, he stood at the entrance of the door waiting for it to be opened for him,
“Take it easy on him Paul”, “he is just a scared kid” Joe said as he opened the door for Paul to enter,

As soon as the door shut the first soldier turned to Joe and asked, “Who is that?” “Some brass masquerading as a NCO?”

Joe turned to look the soldier in the face, “Nope he is no officer”, “although he likes to feel like he is”, “that my friend is Sergeant Paul Mason”, “and my advice to you is don’t ever draw to his attention”,

“He looks way too young to be a sergeant” the first soldier replied,

“Well ask yourself how someone so young can get that rank”. “Strings were pulled by strong connections”, “trust me stay clear of him if you can help it”,

Paul looked upon the boy sitting on a chair in front of him and said nothing, no more than 15 I bet Paul thought, he could see the streaks on the boy’s face where his tears had traced their way from his eyes,

Paul noticed there was no signs of bruising that could be seen, this annoyed him slightly, he had had it made clear that anyone caught looting were to be given a good beaten,
He got even more annoyed when he noticed a wrapper of a chocolate bar on the ground beside the chair and next to it an empty plastic water bottle.

The boy broke the silence, “can I go home now please?” “I promise I will never do anything like this again”, “I was just hungry and so was my young sister”, “I was just trying to get us some food”, Paul moved closer to the boy till he was standing right in front of him he kneeled down till the faces were level, “Go on” he said in a soft voice,

The boy seemed to relax slightly whether it was Paul’s tone or the smile Paul had on his face, which ever it was it seemed to give the boy some comfort,

“Those soldiers said if I was caught again I would be put in jail and never see my family again”,

Paul stopped him talking anymore,

“Well what those soldiers told you was a lie” he said, “tell me did they hurt you in any way”,
The boy was now fully relaxed, Paul seemed like he was on the boy’s side to him,

“No not really they shouted at me a lot”, the boy bowed his head, and they frightened me and made me cry,
“They shouldn’t have done that either” Paul said while putting a comforting hand on the boy’s knee, “did they feed you?”

“Yes” the boy replied, “one of them gave me a sandwich and the other one gave me a bar and some water”, he stopped talking and looked at Paul hand which was now squeezing his knee, “you hurting my knee” he said,

Paul’s expression had changed, his nostrils were flared and an evil grin went from one cheek to the other,
“That’s not hurting” Paul said as he squeezed the boys knees harder, “I will fucking show you hurt you thieving little bastard”. His fist slammed into the boys shocked face splintering his nose,
The boy screamed out in pain, the sound of which filled Paul with pleasure, he kept squeezing the boy’s knee harder. “Well which hurts more?” He asked,

The young boy was now screaming uncontrollably, his tears mixing with the blood coming from his broken nose, “Please let me go” the boy begged,

Paul felt a warmness coming from the boy’s knee that he was squeezing, he looked down at his hand and recoiled it in horror,

“You fucking little bastard you pissed on my hand”,
The boy had wet himself in fear and the warm moisture had spread through the boy’s trousers till it had reached Paul’s hand,

Paul was now in a fit of uncontrollable rage, “you little cunt” he shouted as he stood up, with all his force Paul brought he foot down on the boy’s knee shattering both knee and leg, with one final scream the boy passed out.

“Sweet Jesus Paul what have you done” Joe shouted, he and both guards had charged into the room when they heard the last scream, the two soldiers rushed to check on the boy while Joe tried to pull Paul away,

Paul turned to face Joe, “He fucking pissed himself and got it on my fucking hand Joe”, “the bastard”, he lifted his hand to show joe as if expecting Joe to be able to see where the piss had come in contact,

Joe had seen Paul lose it before on some poor recruits, but he had never witnessed the rage that Paul was now in,

“We better go Paul”, “he has had enough”, Joe pleaded as he tried to manoeuvre Paul towards the exit,

“He is just a fucking kid” one of the soldiers said out loud, this made Paul spin around, he still hadn’t calmed down and held his hand out in front of him as if trying to keep its foulness as far from him as possible,

“Next time either of you two don’t follow orders it will be you on that fucking chair”,

“no one and I mean no one gets an easy ride”, “do I fucking make myself clear” he almost hysterically screamed at the two soldiers, both of whom had enough sense not to reply,

Joe put his hand on Paul shoulder and handed him a bottle of water, “Here Paul use this to wash your hand and how about we get back to base and you can wash it properly when we get there”,

Paul took the bottle and started to pour its contents over his offending hand as he allowed Joe to guild him back outside to the waiting transport,

“He pissed himself Joe”, “he fucking pissed himself” is all Joe heard Paul say as he settled him into the back seat,
“I will be right back Paul”, “I’m just going to have a word with those two inside” he said nodding in the direction on the open door to the building,

“How is he?” Joe asked the first soldier who was tending the boy,
“That cunt out there needs a bullet in the head the bastard”, “there was no need for this” the soldier responded as he cradled the still unconscious boys head,

“Shut it” Joe rounded on him, “for your own safety both of you had best forget what happened here tonight”, “that fucker outside has taken down colonels before who tried to stand up against him”, Joe was of the belief that Paul had something to do with Colonel Wallie’s departure.

“I told you already he has pull”, “so shut up”,
“Just get that kid to a doctor quickly” Joe ordered the first soldier,

“and you” Joe said to the second soldier, “find out where he lives then get back to base”, “tell Sergeant Harris I sent you”, “he will give you a week’s food and supplies”, “bring them to the kid’s home”, “you are to do this every week till this blows over if it ever does”, “Am I making myself clear”.
“I will talk to Harris when I get back and tell him to expect you”,

Both soldiers nodded in agreement to Joes orders,

Joe turned to leave, “soon as I have this mad cunt out of sight get that kid out of here and never tell anyone what you saw tonight”.

“Tell me that you both understand”.

Both the soldiers in unison replied. “Understood Sergeant”.

CPMurphy
December 20th, 2016, 02:16 PM
No opinions on this? A lot of the SPAG has already been fixed since I posted the chapter. As the character is a major figure in the book I was hoping for some feedback on how I portrayed him. A lot of his backstory is mentioned in other chapters.

Any feedback good or bad would be appreciated.

Ptolemy
December 20th, 2016, 02:40 PM
No opinions on this? A lot of the SPAG has already been fixed since I posted the chapter. As the character is a major figure in the book I was hoping for some feedback on how I portrayed him. A lot of his backstory is mentioned in other chapters.

Any feedback good or bad would be appreciated.
I'll try to get through this, it's just that it's so darn long for just a character check.

Rairice
December 22nd, 2016, 10:15 PM
WOO! That was a lot to get thru. I wasn't, at first, sure who the protagonist was until i got to the part with the kid. Starting out i thought Sgt. Paul was just a moody guy with his superior giving him some trouble. Joe, seems really relaxed around Paul. I'm assuming, because Joe is used to this kind of behavior from Paul? The mood seemed to change drastically, almost like Paul just flipped a switch. He seemed like an alright dude up til that point. Don't know if this helps, but i thought i would put something since i took the time to read it.:lol:

CPMurphy
December 28th, 2016, 04:25 PM
Thanks for the feedback Rairice, A lot of Paul's background is explained in other parts of the book, But what you described was what I was after, someone who seems in control but can snap for no reason, Joe is just a minor character who fears Paul, and is under the illusion Paul has much more power and influence than he actually has.
I am trying to make Paul a somewhat complex character, were in the book there are parts you dislike him. and other parts that you would almost feel sorry for him, I,m hoping to get the reader to feel that he has some redeeming features and in book two I plan to lead the reader in the direction that he has changed for the better, Only for his true nature to come out, this will continue all the way through till the end of book three.