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View Full Version : The People Watchers (Flash Fiction) (843 words)



CrimsonAngel223
December 18th, 2016, 11:42 PM
I let Daniel have the conversation first as I let him begin discussing some things after reaching to our seats in the patio’s of a local Restaurant in the wide cobblestones of Milano. We people-watched among the nuns, school children, tourists, and trendy hipster teens while chatting about the wine distillery while regarding the curfew that had to be abided by in accordance with the prime minister.


Chatting heatedly as well as the culture and what is currently perched on my table on a hot sunny day like this.


“Love this drink!”


“Heineken?”


“I drink wine! Not beer!”


He returned to focus


“I’m sorry, what? Oh!”


“Over there!”


He showed me the police


“Porco dio! Si Stronzo la Calibeneri!”


We instead focused our attention to the police wondering what they purposely were doing hanging around from across the patio as they looked like they were about to arrest somebody. But looked like the person was wrongly convicted of the crime.


“We should put a curfew on these calienberneri, tsk tsk!”


He stood up “Vaffanculo!”


He held his drink up high and struck the middle finger when they let go of the wronged accuser and went sliding back into their bulky small fiats.


“They won’t interrupt our people-gazing! And hopefully no question on my end!”


I reply “Too hot for them to talk to us, they’ll sweat so much they’ll feel like they’re melting and run inside their car,”


He fixed his gaze back to me.


“Perche?”


“Oh mamma mia! Well you want to take off?”


“Ciao ragazzi!”


She came; our girlfriend, well mine as I worked hard in owning her affection to me and I find her sexuality fitting to my eyes.


“Ciao come stai?”


“Ba bene! Stai facendo?”


She tilted her head slightly and looked bored rolling her eyes away from us.


She held her arms on the patio railings with a satisfied stare like she won the lottery or something.


“Allora! You two doing here in Via Maria eh?”


“Eh? Why wear black bella?”


She became worried “Alessandro! You no like my dress’ah?”


“Bella no time to talk, we are people watching! Take off those clothes!”


I smacked myself in head as I realized it would have been wrong for her to do that in public.


“No wait don’t do that here! Home, just do it at home.”


I waved at her sarcastically “Va via, a dopo!”


“Perche?”


“Bella it's too hot! Caldo! Ok?”


“Si certo certo I know!”


“I lost the will to have a conversation with my friend here now,”


I gazed back to my buddy who sat back down to guzzle his drink.


“Because of me?”


I shrugged to my lady “No the pope!”


I looked back to my friend “Another thing, we have not much to talk about do we Daniel?”


Basically she gave in and explained about the reason she was wearing the unpractical attire in the first place.


“Wait, it’s because it’s a style in nordic countries,”


“Denmark? For example?”


She winked “Yes, still want me to go?”


Suddenly the calienberneri came along and saw the usual gold chains wrapped along her neck.


“Scusi! We’ve been looking for some jewelry late’ah-ly... is that something you stole signora?”


“Eh!?” she stood there pissed


“Fanculo! Che cazzo voi?!”


She guarded up her hands protecting her jewellery and ran for it. Shoving away the police from her path when she fled.


I stood up with my head shaking perplexed and looked at her when she ran for it.


“Bella? Why did you steal those! Wait!”


I ran for her but decided to come back to the patio not giving a damn about her problems. Been a dreadful day right about now!


I came face to face with the police as I am not afraid of them. They’re pizza eating, Giovanni Boccaccio wannabe’s they’re a problem in this part of town.


“Could we get back to people-watching officer?”


“Excuse me?”


I let Daniel do the talking now


“We think you enforce too much on the law,”


“But what’a does’ah have to do with people watching?”


“We saw you convict someone of wrong-doing, it’s been an often occurance sir!”


He looked at the both like they’ve reached a drunken stupor “You’ah two should’ah watch how you speak to an officer,”


The dispatcher started up and a voice was speaking in italian of my lover.


“Si!” he responded


“You going to arrest her?”


“We’re trailing her right’a now, she wouldn’t get far, are you someone of a relative? Boyfriend? Husband?”


“I am the boyfriend,”


“Ah! Well you prob-”


“I’d rather let her deal with the consequences,”


“People-watching is kind of a waste here, It’s a social culture throughout europe, as you mentioned…”


“Yes,”


I added “I am here with my friend Daniel,”


“We must see the crowd,” he says


A couple from a foreign land were arguing and started fighting as well and stormed out and tripped on the railings of the table stand knocking my sparkling wine to the hot sticky ground.


“People watching is officially canceled, you agree amico?”

M.R Steiner
December 19th, 2016, 12:17 AM
Hey there Crimson.

keeping running into your work :)

I like this, very 'slice of life'

dialogue oriented, obviously. the voices were clear, but I have to say I found it initially confusing, your tags & actions sorted it out as time went on but the start (even with the opening sentence stating who started the conversation still turned me around a bit, same for the back and forth before the next action. but after that I was mostly able to pick it up and found it delightful :)

Bard_Daniel
December 28th, 2016, 03:32 AM
I found this a little confusing. I'm also not quite sure that this falls under the loose perimeters of flash fiction. In my opinion, and keep in mind its only mine, you didn't really draw me into the story. I think you need a stronger hook to draw someone in and more general plot points to make it shine.

Just my two cents! Keep on writing!

Roo2503
January 2nd, 2017, 09:49 PM
I thought this was a nifty little story. More about the moment than any real drama I feel. I liked the dialect though and for some reason it made me think of Ernest Hemingway watching a bullfight! Keep writing!

Ell337
January 2nd, 2017, 10:05 PM
Hi,

You are not a native English speaker are you? I just want to be sure as there are language issues with this that have made me realise that some of things I've been picking up in your poetry might be language issues rather than construction issues and I'd like to be sure of that before I say anything about this piece.

CrimsonAngel223
January 3rd, 2017, 02:29 AM
I am from Canada ok? I speak english, I might have to fix some dialogue tags but it's ok to assume that I can't speak english.

Ell337
January 3rd, 2017, 12:48 PM
I am from Canada ok? I speak english, I might have to fix some dialogue tags but it's ok to assume that I can't speak english.

yes but this sentence:


Chatting heatedly as well as the culture and what is currently perched on my table on a hot sunny day like this.

makes no sense whatsoever in English. If you are not a native speaker, then my comment on it will be different from my comment if you are a first language speaker.

CrimsonAngel223
January 11th, 2017, 12:35 PM
I realized this story was confusing, I wrote it in italy guys, I am an italian citizen but is born and raised in canada. I live in canada at the moment so I may really need to improve this english-style writing.

Jamboree
January 13th, 2017, 04:50 PM
Whilst it is certainly a confusing piece that needs work, I found the character's very engaging. I feel like more description in amongst the dialogue would help us to put the characters into the scene better rather than just using dialogue.

Don't be disheartened just because English may not be your best language to write in. What you've written above is far better than I could produce in German (probably my second best language). As they say, pratice makes perfect :-)

Ptolemy
January 13th, 2017, 07:03 PM
The Italian flair was nice, the differentiation of dialects kinda threw me but vis-á-vís.

The thing you need are dialogue tags, without them I again am having trouble understanding who is talking. I would understand if each person had a unique dialect or speech pattern, but they all talk the same to me. As a reader who is reading flash fiction with different linguistics tied in, I find myself immediately phased out of the conversation because I have no idea who is talking.

Just my two sense of course, I enjoy the use of your roots in the piece

Absolem
January 25th, 2017, 07:28 PM
Was interesting what with the Italian theme and the girlfriend and whatnot but there's nothing going on. Would like to read more and see where the plot comes in.

CrimsonAngel223
January 25th, 2017, 08:27 PM
The whole point of the story was just a bunch of guys watching people while shit was happening that was prevent them from seeing people.