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CrimsonAngel223
December 4th, 2016, 09:30 AM
I died and finally I arrived: reaper island this was a place for me to live and by the night that grows thicker in darkness here I am. The name is Lucia Ben and I am a tribeswoman of this island the one thing this island has given me is this commodity that I am simply just a piece of currency that is paid with: my life I have died too many times on the other side of the moon. Moon island but I allow myself never to die from any circumstance. There was a figure up ahead of my home and from the distance I decided to take refuge to this thing that lead me to it and I wondered? Just how utterly dumbfounded that I was when I had finally saw what was there: a dark macabre entity with a scythe and then it came hovering towards me and gave me a stab in the chest.

‘Die’

‘Dare ye?’ I reply

‘Hajajajajajajajaja!’ it spoke

‘Zzzzzz hello there young one.’ it added

I screamed

‘NO! I dare not perish!’

The reaper let go of the scythe and made an exchange before I were to cease to exist.

‘You are Lucia Ben I presume?’

I spoke softly ‘yes… I… am….’

‘I will give you immorality but you will have to do something for me in the meantime.’

I kept bleeding ‘ok…. just heal this wound for me…’

The reaper healed my wounds and I recovered quite quickly but shivered a little for some reason.

‘The other tribe members you know? They must be slain by your juju nonsense got it?’

‘Aye! Whatever you say!’

bdcharles
December 5th, 2016, 03:56 PM
Hi,

I can see that English is not your first language so well done for having a crack at this. English is however both tightly rulebound and incredubly fluid and loose so I just want to point out some grammar issues here:




I died and finally I arrived: reaper island[<- should be capitalised: Reaper Island] this was a place for me to live and by the night that grows thicker in darkness here I am [<- you do have a knack for neat phrases]. The name is Lucia Ben and I am a tribeswoman of this island[Here you have a run on sentence. You should manage the transition from one sentence to another properly - use a semi colon, or a conjunction, or an m-dash, or a full stop, something. Not a comma though, not unless you know what you are going for.] the one thing this island has given me is this commodity that I am simply just a piece of currency that is paid with[<- garbled. hard to make sense of that]: my life I have died too many times on the other side of the moon. Moon island but I allow myself never to die from any circumstance. There was a figure up ahead of[<- choose a different preposition; this makes no sense] my home and from the distance I decided to take refuge to[<- see previous comment] this thing that lead me to it and I wondered? Just how utterly dumbfounded that I was when I had finally saw what was there: a dark macabre entity with a scythe and then it came hovering towards me and gave me a stab in the chest.[<- I quite like the slightly old-fashioned style you have here. Don't know if I'd say "gave me a stab in the chest" though; sinmply because "gave" is a weak word.]

‘Die’

‘Dare ye?’ I reply

‘Hajajajajajajajaja!’ it spoke
[why is there a newline here? one character speaking generally means stay on the same line unless they are going on at length]
‘Zzzzzz hello there young one.[<- comma, not full stop]’ it added

I screamed

‘NO! I dare not perish!’

The reaper let go of the scythe and made an exchange before I were to cease to exist.

‘You are Lucia Ben I presume?’

I spoke softly ‘yes… I… am….’

‘I will give you immorality but you will have to do something for me in the meantime.’

I kept bleeding ‘ok…. just heal this wound for me…’

The reaper healed my wounds and I recovered quite quickly but shivered a little for some reason.

‘The other tribe members you know? They must be slain by your juju nonsense got it?’

‘Aye! Whatever you say!’

OK, yep. Lots of mistakes that continue beyond my comments but keep at it. There is an interesting voice buried in here somewhere :)

CrimsonAngel223
December 6th, 2016, 03:19 AM
Thanks for your feedback I appreciate it.

JaneC
December 7th, 2016, 02:57 AM
What an intriguing idea. Keep at it!

M.R Steiner
December 18th, 2016, 08:55 PM
despite the language barrier, I can see you have a vivid imagination and a yearning to share a fun story. to be fair english is my first language and I can barely use it myself :) no better place to work it out than in writing though.

my advice in terms of story is to maybe make it a bit more in depth, expand it a little without having to drop the information at the beginning, for example, someone could call out her name to her. the horror feel will become more pronounced with little touches like that :)

either way it offers and interesting offer and prospect.

will try to check on this if you update, message me :)