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View Full Version : The Elitist (877 Words) (work in progress)



CrimsonAngel223
December 1st, 2016, 03:39 AM
Exploring the rest of the country when driving down the autostrada was a hard and not to mention troublesome. There was this traffic that was bothering the hell out of me, my name is Jake Micheal's and had just came to Italy just a few years ago. I live in Firenze and today I decided to travel down the road in my blue per-gout and see the sights and ride up this white pebble road up the rolling hills and there lied a heavy cliff of a town and a castle looming ahead. I wasn’t sure what or who lived here but I wanted to know just who was in charge of it. It looked like the day was coming to an end and I was sure that the weather: Humid and dry but sunny and celestial was perfect for my 14-year-old body. I loved this country and I am an elitist and the whole reason I had arrived in this country was because that was I wanted to truly be… drinking wine and driving cars you would not be able to drive. A saw a girl up ahead and she was dressed in white and looked at me very cautiously and for some reason she disappeared before my very eyes. What? How did she- well looks like I wanted to investigate and wonder what she was doing there. I had done enough exploring the country already but his castle in the region of Umbria was a perplexing one. Unlike this land this realm I came over to didn’t have as many castles although there were lots of villa’s and lots of land that felt way too far apart for me to just walk along on. But there was something about this land that I needed to see. I needed hope that I could stay alive and stay immortal for the rest of my life. As I came closer to the staircase the girl stood there she was tall. Taller than me looked like she was in her 30’s though. She threw things and started thrusting her body at me and I was concerned and wondered to this person ‘what are you doing?’ and she by the looks of it was a native here in this land. She spoke and her voice echoed in my head.


‘Cabello…’

‘Cabello?’


‘My name is Cabello…’

‘Do you live here?’

‘Nonsense.’

Nonsense? Then where do you live? Do you have ancestry here? I assumed she could have been some outcast and for that matter it was difficult to know whether she could be from this region or from elsewhere.

‘I'm Jake.’

‘Please leave this castle.’

‘Will do.’

Though I was kinda apprehensive to her request I came over up the staircase once more and went to see her drinking wine and looking outward to the land. This person must have been a loner all her life. I noticed her Gucci suitcase and her clothing all thrown out all over the place in castle and it was odd to see. Was she like me trying to figure out what this land was all about? I explored a lot in this realm for awhile now and she must have done the same. We both knew that we could just go wherever we pleased. But the question was will she ever going back to her home. Her own town or villa? That was all I needed to know.

‘So.’

She rose up

‘You have to leave! I told you to leave bambino!’


I sat down with her.
‘You don’t need me to go. I understand where your coming from.’

‘I’m 30 years old. I don’t need to hear this from a kid like you.’

‘In Europe we are older than we look.’

‘You’re still a kid though.’

‘Kid? I am old enough to drive here.’

Regardless I come over to her aid and she was distraught and for my age doing something like this and making her feel calm and less angry was the best thing that I could do. But it was rare for someone like me to do such a exercise like this anyway. We both sat quietly and looked away and I explained my situation in why I was here.


‘Really? You left you own country to come here?’

‘It was hard but I made it.’
I nodded.

‘Don’t you just love this country? I for so long wanted to be an elistit and this was what I got for it.’

‘You got-‘

‘It was the best being this way. An elist.’

‘I am pregnant.’

‘Huh?’

Umm that was unexpected she said that she was pregnant with a child inside of her. Now I really have to leave.

‘Where are you going my friend?’

‘I am seeing my way home right now. Ciao!’

OK now what just happened? This might have a very bizarre experience for the likes of me but I want to do a little more rides along the stretch of highway and this night that had just begun was OK for me to turn on my headlights and ride around if this lady doesn’t come and follow me around the road she couldn’t drive, could she? I had more exploring to do anyway.

Ptolemy
December 1st, 2016, 04:39 AM
I know it is a work in progress but these are still some comments on it.

Alright I have a few problems with this off the bat. It is very exposition dumpy. You're literally (and I mean literally) tell us, the readers, this kid's features, character, motivations, and you tell me the setting. Show me this, show me that this kid's elitist, show me that he left his country through dialogue (which you do, which leaves this exposition redundant.) That leads me to another point, all of your introduction is pointless if your going to tell us it in dialogue. It's also weird to be talked to through this introduction, why is he talking to us? Is he aware he's in a book? Is he psychic? Is it a note? Who is he writing to then? It kinda ruins the feel you have here.

Now onto contextual problems,

Humid and dry but sunny and celestial was perfect for my 14-year-old body
I have real problem with this line. For one, it's all over the place. "Humid and dry but sunny"? Uh how can it be humid and dry BUT sunny? The sun technically makes humidity through evaporation of collections of water, aka it is the amount of water vapor in the air relative to the temperature. Dryness is created from an uninterrupted sun sending rays into the earths atmosphere, which makes it dry. My question here is wouldn't it need to be sunny for both of these to happen under this current description I got here? Yes humidity doesn't technically need the sun, but under the context of "Humid and dry" it would need to be sunny, so the "but sunny" is the wrong word to use. (gotta drive home a point)

The next point is "and celestial was perfect for my 14 year old body." Use the word fourteen, not 14. Also it sounds weird. Really weird, why is it perfect for a "fourteen year old body?" (Does that really not sound awkward as hell to you?) It's a muddled sentence that needs revising to be honest.

I loved this country and I am an elitist and the whole reason I had arrived in this country was because that was I wanted to truly be…
I don't know if you noticed but you used the word "country" four times in the introduction. Explicitly you use "country" twice in the same sentence (posted above). It makes the whole sentence choppier than it should be. Also, what's with the ellipsis? You go on to state his motive, there is a minuscule need for a pause, if one at all really. It breaks the flow of the sentence again. Use Italy once and a while too if you can, you already said Umbria.

I needed hope that I could stay alive and stay immortal for the rest of my life.
This was as subtle as a brick to the head. It's also a conflicting sentence too. I suggest maybe breaking this into two sentences or expanding more on this point.

Taller than me looked like she was in her 30’s though
Again, if your going for this melodramatic description use "thirty" not the number 30, it looks unprofessional and again, ruins flow.

She threw things and started thrusting her body at me
I don't know if this was your expectation but I chucked at this line, I don't know why, but I did. I really doubt you are going for comedy here though. I suggest expanding the showing here, and use a different word than "thrust" it is so vague in this situation. Is she like pelvic thrusting like I thought? Or is she shoving herself at him? It is kinda confusing.

You need dialogue tags.
I read all the dialogue in a monotone echo because that was the only description I got here. You need some sort of dialogue tags not only to show emotion but to show who the hell is talking, I realize it's a work in progress but really, I need to know who is talking in this, and I don't. I mean I caught up after she said "I'm pregnant" an example of this is here:


‘Who are you and do you live here?’

‘Nonsense.’

Nonsense? Then where do you live? Do you have ancestry here? I assumed she could have been some outcast and for that matter it was difficult to know whether she could be from this region or from elsewhere.

‘I am Jake.’
‘Please leave this castle.’

Holy. Is he thinking nonsense? Is it echoing in his head? or his he talking? I DON'T KNOW other than the "" because there are zero tags. It confuses everything and made me supremely disinterested in the story. Add tags to add some clarification please.

I noticed her Gucci suitcase
So... what is this timeframe? Gucci was made in 1921, and didn't come into prominence until the 1950's when they expanded their brand to Italian actors. I got a early history vibe (like 17th century tops) due to the word usage of "villa" and "realm" but that was soon dashed by the word "car" and this is Umbria, who's borders were fixed in I think in 1927, and became apart of the Italian republic in I again think in the 40's after WWII.

Villa now a days means mansion, which is what I'm guessing this setting is based in. Is it a modern villa? Also what timeframe am I working with? Present day Italy? 1960's Italy? Post war Umbria? I don't know the setting, while pretty and a good setting, is just again, confusing. I'll commend you for using an Italian company in Italy even if it one of the most recognizable brands, you still get some points from me.

You have to leave! I told you to leave bambino
Clever use of bambino, or masculine form of "baby" for non-Italian speakers, but you kinda blow it by using no other Italian words other than "Ciao" (which is from Venetian etymology too) in the entire excerpt (and it's spoken by the main character, a presumed foreigner.) You got me and you lost me, you got some promise if you used some more complex regional Italian words. Clever though.

‘It was the best being this way. An elist.’

‘I am pregnant.’
I again chuckled at the delivery of this line, also the word your looking for is "elitist" you use it before correctly and you fuddle it here. Elist isn't a word.

I'm having a very hard time understanding the plot.
I'm a pretty cohesive guy, but even I had no idea what was going on. Was he walking? Driving? Where did this confrontation take place? In a Villa? In Umbria's rolling hills? What is the time frame? What is the point of this? Why are you showing nothing of Umbria's beauty? You tell us so much but you do Umbria zero justice.

Also the legal driving age to drive in all of Italy is eighteen, and has been eighteen for years, so no he couldn't drive if he's four years younger than the legal driving age. (tad plot hole)

Also, why is this kid alone? He's fourteen. He legally cannot drive, and as a foreigner he'd get pulled over immediately. Fourteen year olds look fourteen you know. Also ‘In Europe we are older than we look.’ Italy is in Europe by the way, this confused me more than anything. The setting is undefined Umbria, a region in Italy. Italy is apart of the European Union. Hint European. Europe. The sentence loses all meaning unless this kid is a complete numbskull. (Which thinking about it, that may be his character. A shallow know nothing teen.)

Also for a fourteen year old, he really acts like a twenty-one year old, it's odd.

I hope this helps in any respect.


Edit: I also noticed that she drank wine during an early scene and she's "pregnant". It's clever and very subtle sure, but the fact that she isn't pregnant/the pregnancy wouldn't matter is okayly obvious to a trained eye. It's decently clear if you take a look hard enough. Unless she wants a birth defected baby, she's lying. Which adds to her character as a possible gold digger.

But hey I want to commemorate you for that subtle tell, it's pretty good.

CrimsonAngel223
December 1st, 2016, 05:46 AM
First of all I have been to Italy many times and I am pretty sure you can drive at 14 my cousin lives there and he had been driving there ever since.

Ptolemy
December 1st, 2016, 07:00 AM
First of all I have been to Italy many times and I am pretty sure you can drive at 14 my cousin lives there and he had been driving there ever since.
I've been to Italy too, and the legal driving age is eighteen. If you really want to get technical, you can drive at seventeen with supervision of a person with a full A1/B1 license.

Heres an official site that confirms my thing (it is written Italian though)
http://www.poliziadistato.it/articolo/25889/
(here's also an English travel site that confirms my claim)
http://www.autoeurope.co.uk/go/car-hire/italy/driving-information/

The jist is that the legal age to drive is eighteen, seventeen with supervision.

I was unable to find any sources that stated that the driving age was at or below fourteen on any site. Official travel sites, the government site, even an Italian driving handbook all stated that the minimum for a full license was eighteen years old. (Again technically superviseable at seventeen.)

So that's good for your cousins, getting ahead of the curve and all but even the government says he shouldn't be driving.